Does anyone else feel that their mother treats their sons differently than daughters?

Yep. It went on til she drew her last breath. My dad, however, knows how selfish my brother is. My mom was a narcissist...so is my brother.
Let it go. It will never change. Sorry.

i am in the same boat but im male...my older brother works 60 hrs per week....we both are now at home with mom since covid and have not been staying in our own separate homes/apts(we are both single). i do everything - take vitals in the morning for mom, give her meds, make breakfast, clean the house, laundry, food shopping, drs appts, caring for vegetable garden etc....we are 1 yr apart.....my mom never ever yells at my brother but i get yelled at......i know she loves us both but she feels more comfortable with me i guess to yell at me...its def unbalanced but my brother is better at fixing things, driving us around etc but between my dad(passed 2 yrs ago) and mom, its been trying yet gives me purpose......its hard tho when you feel you do everything ...

My father just passed in June. I have two brothers who are estranged from the family. They do not call or visit and has not in many years. One brother talked my parents into moving near him some 17 years ago and then after a falling out he neglected them. Sister and I moved them back near us. These boys were the favorites especially for my mom. Now that she is old and failing she loves me. I feel its just convenient because my sister and I take care of all her needs. She has no one else. She has her own apartment in a senior community and will stay there. She has a part time sitter now. I see that she is cared for only because its what God calls me to do but some days are very hard. She is argumentative and impossible to please.

I am a only child so everything falls on me with my parents and grand parents but I HAD a friend that her mom was like that very similar to my mom, mental issues. She also had a boyfriend that was a moocher, unmotivated, no license at 25 years old needs glasses but always has a excuse for everything. She had a brother that was disabled he was about 7 years older then her but there was her sister that was about a year older then her max. My ex friend was working 60 hours a week, seeing about her brother and managing her mothers household in addition to her apartment while sister literally didn't work, cook. clean, go to school and had a rude demeanor. It is disgusting really how some parents and grandparents do us and expect us to be alright with it and or not have any problems. I let her know that the only person that can change this is her and that to always keep herself at the top of the pedestal. I couldn't watch them drilling her into the ground. Hopefully it sank in before it was too late. I spent about 30 years of my life dealing with unappreciative, non supportive, toxic jackasses in my family and life. I am soon to be 42 I am not going back.

Vanessa1: I am sorry for your experience and my heart goes out to you. Have you brought this up to your mom and dad?

As a young woman, it seemed to me that (in actions as well as in verbal communications from my parents) my brothers were mostly preferred and doted on more than me. I am thinking some of that was the "time that I grew up in...the attitudes towards females in general, etc."

FF to the present (my dad passed years ago, so my mom is a widow, who was living alone until she could not): The dynamic of who's who in our family is now different because my mom has dementia and doesn't remember she preferred the brothers, lol. I certainly am not making light of how awful living with dementia is; rather I am just reflecting on my surprise in realizing that I no longer am the "not preferred" one.

Anyway...two of my brothers, their spouses, my husband and I have been sharing responsibilities to help our mom through this difficult time (she and dad had put away a lot of money and that has helped her out tremendously at this difficult time with care, residence, etc.).

We're here for you! Vent if you need to and maybe find a way to get your brother more involved.

Yes! I am primary caretaker to both my bedridden parents. My brother lives in the same town and sees them about 12 times a year. It’s just not in his DNA to do the caretaking thing. He’s supportive in every way, he just has no idea what all is involved in what I do for them. I used to do it all, but we now have hired help, so it’s not as bad. I’ve had to distance
myself from my mother because she takes everything out on me. She calls my brother and talks like they’re old friends, whereas all I get are “to do” lists and complaints of how she doesn’t like the way I do things. Never a “How are you - Do you need anything” like she does my brother. She has always been a great mother who was sure to equally give my brother and I the same of everything. I know she doesn’t mean to treat me unfairly. It’s the circumstances of her being bed ridden and me having to take complete care of them (even if it is through hired help), that she has lost all control and she struggles big time with that. “Control” is a huge thing for my mom. Anyone “running” the show Is the enemy to her and that is me. She’s used to doing everything for herself, and she’s resentful that she can longer do it. She ignores the fact that she should be grateful I’m here to help, and just downs everything I do for them. Yeah, it is tiring and it’s so old. Best thing I ever did as hire caretakers to get me away from her. I set boundaries which she is constantly trying to defy. It’s not my brothers fault she treats him better. If the shoe was on the other foot and he wAs the one here caring for them, the tables would be turned. Hard to keep that in perspective when you’re the one on the front line. It’s a whole new ballgame these days. My parents are leaving the house in the will to us both, but my brother has said he will give me his half. That would be the right thing to do considering I’ve given up my life to care for them for the past 5 years...We shall see.

I learned this early in my family. As a youth, I would spend months planning, making or buying just the right gift for my Mom. My brother would walk in a store and buy anything and my mother would melt and gush over it - even though I would know it was something that she normally would not like. Finally, after hearing her going on about something my brother bought, I mentioned something that I had put so much effort into selecting for her and she said, "Oh, that's just what girls do."

I have read all these posts and I myself have a brother who did absolutely nothing to help care for both parents before they died. WE NEED TO LISTEN TO OURSELVES HERE. Make sure we are not raising these kinds of sons. It needs to start when they are children. Do not wait until they are grown to "expect them to do the right thing", when we never trained them to act that way.

You are not alone. I did not suffer from it from my mother, and anyway I'm an only child, but I've seen this practically everywhere : grand-mother, aunts, mothers of several friends... I even know a woman who rejected her daughter at birth just because she didn't want a girl, dotes on her son and tries to sabotage every relationship he has, to keep him for herself. And succeeds ! It's seldom advertised, but women are a HUGE component of sexism. Maybe because really good couples are rare, relationships are important to women, and they need a man (their son) in their life. Men tend to compensate through work (in the best of cases) or addictions. What to do about it ? Nothing. You can't fight the fact that a woman needs a man and has only found her son or grandson to fulfill that need. In an ideal world, the son should gently set limits. A hard task. A woman, being non essential to her, is powerless.

Several weeks before my brother’s birthday, my mom would call me for long discussions about what she should get him. One month later, my birthday would roll around and — nothing. No gift, no card, not even a phone call. For YEARS.

It happened for so long that I was able to work through the disbelief, the hurt, the anger and arrive at the other side — indifference. But one time, I sarcastically asked if she even remembered my bd and in complete self-defense and with righteous anger, she pointed out that she told some nameless aide at the hospital that it was her daughter’s birthday.

My brother was gold to her and I was not, all of my life. I have had a successful life with a professional career, it just is what it is. She could ask what time it was, and if I answered first, she would check with my brother 😂

This happened in my husband's family. His sister was the favorite to the point where she could do no wrong and took advantage of that situation. My husband had a job, so they gave him little, but his sister was indulged. She had been a drug addict for over 30 years and the parents wouldn't listen to us or anyone about it...complete denial. Money spent bailing her out etc etc. She was later living with MIL and supposed to care for her, and died of an overdose several years ago. Suddenly my husband was considered when there was no one else to care for MIL. After MIL passed away 3 yrs. after SIL, we found evidence that she had been giving a couple thousand dollars a month to SIL.!!! I have never seen such favoritism for one sibling over the other despite so much wrong doing, or such denial of a problem in that sibling. It is all over now, but I will always wonder how such a thing could happen.

Vannesa1: You are NOT alone! I dealt with this exact situation all my life. In the end, my precious mom was in hospice (in a hospital setting) and my brother PROMISED to take turns with me wherein he would stay with her overnight and then the next night I would stay with her. (I actually planned on staying each night but didn't tell him that as I would have welcomed him being there with me every other night as promised). For 13 days and nights I stayed with my mom...alone. Not one night did my brother stay with me. He went on dates with his girlfriend, stayed home "to let the dog out" (when others offered to do same!) and ALWAYS had some excuse not to stay with his own mother.

I ended up witnessing horrific things with my mom...her screaming out in pain, writhing in pain, choking and much, much more which I won't describe here. My brother is 10.5 months older than me and ALL his life my mom treated him differently. He was always spoiled, selfish and always gave my parents a hard time. It was as if he didn't know right from wrong. I now see it's a sickness of some kind. Maybe Narcissism and I try not to be so angry and resentful of what he put my parents through but, it's so hard.

I totally understand your feelings and, as described above, you are certainly not alone.

The only thing I can offer you is this...in the end...you know what you did for your mom and that is all that matters. You did your best and gave your all. Whatever your brother did (or didn't do) is on him; not you.

Bless you for what you are doing for your mom. She is very, very lucky to have you as her daughter.

I'm here if you need to vent or talk. I understand.

I know my mother treated my brother different. I never let it bother me, but I saw it. It seemed the sun rose and set in her son.

Oh yes. I have 5 brothers. They all drive past my grandmothers house every day yet I’m the one that gets the phone call about visiting even though I’m an hour away. My mother complains about how her mother’s expectations of her sons and daughters differ yet my mother is the same. I remind her. She asks me because I won’t say no. She my mother. And she’s dead now.

Yes, but we can teach our kids better.

Yes, my mother baby’s my brother all the time. He can do no wrong. I’m a CNA work midnights n come home n my brother is retired. He sleeps all day n I’m lucky if I get 4 hours sleep. Thts ok with my mom. She is very unfair to me.

I’ve answered to this so many times I’m weary of it. My entire family life was about being treated differently because I was female. I saw a shrink about it, managed to tell them (nicely) about it, and a little changed. Bottom line is my mother, when older & needing help, still expected everything of me, and nothing of her sons: they were her idols; I was her servant.
I did as much for her as I felt was reasonable, hired a helper here & there - whom she would then fire. Then I told her I was hiring someone to take care of certain things and, that if she fired this person, these things would not be done. I had to lay down the law. You have to draw boundaries.
Things are changing these days but I was born into the old order; as the only girl, it was not fun.

With further reading, the issue of the trust came up. 50/ 50. All she has left is the house. He won't even help with any of the repairs. They have plenty of money. I am a physician but had to be off work 7 years so far, go on disability and now I'm getting better, my husband that took care of me and my mother, is an engineer. Quit work 7 years ago. They don't offer to contribute a cent nonetheless an hour of their time. I'm the girl who wrote about the bedbugs. I truly am at my wit's end. Not only do I have all my illnesses, but a very severely depressed husband that no longer speaksor does anything around the home or out grown children and extremely limited income at this time. I'm doing all this and trying to get ready for an amputation and work at the same time. I have no where to turn and I am burnt out on taking care of everyone. I need a break. I seriously feel out of control at times. Everyone else is just lying around while I break my back. Today I just decided to wipe my hands of it and start looking at options for me and my life only .

Im in the exact same position. My husband and I take care of everything my mom needs. The worse thing about it is that during these past 4 years I've had 17 surgeries on my left leg and just last month it was decided my right leg should just be amputated because I do want a life and after all those surgeries the outcome wasn't what we expected. My husband had to quite his job to take care of me and since 2017 my mother. My brother never calls, sends her a fruit basket for every holiday and goes to his cttage EVERY weekend. He will not and has not helped one tiny bit!!! If I say something about my feelings toward him she gets angry. The best thing is that somehow we come out the bad guys. My husband now suffers severe depression and I need a leg amputated. Still, no help.

The nature of the beast....Some mom's are just stuck with the expectation that boys are "better than" and girls are still somehow the responsible ones for all things household and caregiving. Doesn't matter that we still have careers, manage to raise families, run households, AND yet, still are responsible for their demands. Or that many have reached retirement age and when it's time to enjoy life a bit and dote on the grand babies, we are expected to be at their beck and call.

"Life isn't fair" and we have all experienced our share of just how profound that statement is. When favoritism among siblings rears it's ugly head we can either ignore it, fight it, or accept it for what it is. My brother is useless when it comes to helping out, and has been a financial drain (not because of necessity) on my parents. BUT....rest assured, when all is said and done he will be first in line with his hand out to get his share of the estate. I've resolved to help my parents as best to my ability without compromising my own health and well being. I won't do more. They chose to put my brother's selfish wants ahead of being fair to their daughters. I will never put my kids through the pain of thinking for one second that I played favorites.

My mom had her trust set up 50/50 too until she got dementia & he took her to the lawyer.

We no longer have a relationship.....haven’t spoken in over 2 years and we are the only siblings.

My son & my husband told me he would do this but I didn’t believe them because we were close. How wrong I was!

Absolutely! In my case, it was my MIL treating her son and myself so differently.

I remember a Monday morning that I called her (make sure she made it through the night since she was still asleep when I left). When she answered, she let me know that she needed an enema. I told her I was at work 30 minutes away and couldn't bring her one until later. I also asked her why she didn't tell me she needed one the night before.

That didn't go over well and it got to the point of her yelling at me, "If I get impacted, it's going to be your fault!! Then, how much time will you have to take off work to take me to the hospital?!"

I suggested that she call her son and ask him to get the enema for her since he was closer to home.

Her reply? "He can't do it. He needs to go to work."

Fortunately, I called my hubby, he got the enema, and set his mom straight that my job is important also.

MIL was from the generation that women did the caregiving. That got old since I was the only female in the house and she assumed I would do it all.

I'm trying hard to raise my three boys with different expectations for themselves and women.

A lot of it unfortunately is passed down from generation to generation. I was very blessed with my parents because my mom is an only and my dad was a second son, so basically was there to facilitate his older brother's responsibilities as well as his own, so his older brother was free to be a (insert ugly word of your choice). So my parents were always very balanced in how my brother and I were raised. My poor DH and his sister...sigh. Their mom was raised to wait on men, any man, hand and foot (loved her but had alot of reeducation with my husband in early married years to counteract that!). FIL was catered to from birth. His grandmother, his mother, his sisters were told to do anything he asked in the absence of his mother and grandmother. Pair that with a naturally narcissistic personality was a recipe for disaster. MIL continued seeing to his every need (often at the expense of their children). Full blown narcissist that believes EVERYONE was put on earth to see to his needs now. He treats both siblings horribly and they were raised to instinctively obey, so that has taken work but they are pushing back hard now.
We have worked to break the cycle in our family.
But the result from MIL/FIL was favoring DH, BIL(not even their kid) and their one grandson over all of the females. MIL loved her granddaughters and at least acknowledged them. FIL only discusses our nephew when talking about his grands, and that is only to talk about how much $ he makes, sigh....

Tell your mother to stop yelling at you. Walk away when she does. Don't put up with it. Call him and designate shared responsibilities. Forget your brother's feelings or her relationship with him.

The sons are the golden child. The same happened with me and I was caring for my mom and brother would not do a think to give me a break. He’d call and she’d tell him “oh you don’t have to come see me...you’re tired” he would not come for 2-3 weeks at a time.

She ended up with dementia and he took control of her finances and started to tell me how I was going to do everything. I told him he could just do it himself and stopped helping.

After that he took her to a lawyer, had her sign a unlimited DPOA that he had drafted and amended her trust to benefit himself 100%.

I found out 1 1/2 years later about this but in the meantime he I wouldn’t let my mom see or speak to myself or my sons. That was over 2 years ago. My mom will be 98 next month and I’ve been fighting to see her since.

So, my point is....if you are the one doing everything, make sure you are her medical and financial POA. My mom trusted him and he took complete advantage and we were close before all this. Control and greed really takes over in some people. Best wishes to you.

Part of it might be sociological, dating back MANY generations/years. Some of the older parents likely consider the male to be the "breadwinner" and useful, where the females are considered the care-takers and baby ovens.

There are still places in the world where they practice female infanticide! It is so bad in some small villages that there are no marriageable women! Sons are better in their minds, because the ones they marry bring in the "dowry", whereas a daughter will cost them when she marries as THEY have to pay the dowry!

That said, there are always other dynamics at play. Some people make lousy parents, treating some kids as golden child and ignoring or abusing the others. Some care as equally as possible for all their kids. Although it has been too long since dowries were used, women certainly were still considered second class. Long time to get the vote, probably still no equal pay, etc.

Unclear really what our mother thought (at this point she may not even know who my brothers are, since they don't visit.) I did get tired of hearing how my OB called EVERY Sunday (her emphasis, not mine!) Yet I would call a couple of times each week. Whatever. He isn't local, so he calls, sends cards, etc. Does he really care? Who knows. Last trip here was over 2 years ago and I sent him to visit one morning so I could get ready for us to go clean out her condo. He REFUSED to go again the whole time he was here, as he "didn't know what to do with her." This from someone who found out how much MC is and said for that kind of money, he'd take her in! YB was the one she generally called if she needed something done. Now? The only thing I had to ask was for him to take over transport to one treatment which is 4x/year (she won't stand/walk and I can't support her weight) - he tries to get out of it and BMCs about it. FOUR times/year and he's got more years to go before he can retire - by then mom will likely be gone and he's free and clear! She'll be 97 in a few weeks, who knows how long she has left, but likely not that long. Meanwhile, OB skates and I get to manage/juggle everything and do the visiting (b4 lockdown.)

I will say before they did lockdown, she had not asked about either of them in a long time. I wonder if she has forgotten them? She knew me, but now it has been several months... wondering if she'll know me (no way to communicate - no window facing out, she can't hear on a phone or tablet and recently they allow outside visits, but you have to stay 6+ ft away, so she won't be able to hear me!

Anyway, I do think it might be more common, esp among the oldest generation. But it doesn't apply in all cases - as noted, there are many factors that go into family dynamics, this just happens to be one that might be a little more common and certainly noticeable! However, the mindset can also be learned, so if someone grows up under that environment, they might raise their own kids that way too. It's only when we recognize those things we don't like and actively attempt to avoid doing that when raising our own! I have one girl, one boy. Treated pretty much the same, valued their differences and encouraged their strengths. Tried to instill values in them, rather than judgments!

Absolutely. This is a fact of life. I saw it with my grandmothers, my own mother, and my MIL. At times it can be unfair, but resistance is futile.

The family reunion food expectations pretty well illustrates how differently my mom treats my brother and me. Whenever there is large family reunion, my mother will call me weeks ahead of time and ask what I am bringing. My answer is always that I don't know but will come up with something a day or so ahead. I work full time. Still, I usually take some kind of main dish and some kind of side dish - both exceeding what my husband and I will eat by a lot. She then goes through the entirely over the top list of things that she intends to bring, which at this point is always beyond her physical ability to carry through on. Then she says, I told your brother not to worry about bringing anything.

Yes, my Mom definitely treated my 2 brothers (now both deceased) much better then she treated me. I really never knew why so this topic is very interesting to me. I was told by outsiders that my Mom was jealous of me but who knows?

Now it many years later and I take care of my Mom and our relationship totally changed for the better. Go figure...

Parents are quite often closer to the opposite sex children for some reason.