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Rburd, you are entitled to live your own life, without negative interference from your mother. You said that your mother is only 63, and in good health. Please don't allow yourself to entertain any thoughts of guilt. You need to take care of yourself and your daughters first and foremost (especially if your mother is capable of taking care of herself.) If she continues to pressure you to allow her to live with you, that is a red flag that there could be some mental problems or depression there. Whatever you do, do not feel like a terrible daughter. You are not this! It does sound like she is wrapped up in her own world and thinking primarily of her own wants and needs. As far as her telephone calling of your daughters, you could tell your daughters to let her calls go to voice mail. And then you could speak to your mother on behalf of your daughters , saying they are "tied up" with such and such. Good luck....
My mom is only 63, and healthy as could be, the only thing in the world she wants is to live with me and my teenage daughters, I went through a bad divorce, and finally have my life on track, so I totally understand, I often feel like a terrible daughter. My mom actually wants to be sick, because she feels that is a way for her to move in with me, if I mention I am going on a date, she gets upset, its like she doesn't want me to meet anyone, I think she thinks if I don't, and when the girls get older and move out, it makes room for her. I am at witts end, she calls my daughters all the time and cries to them how lonely she is, and that makes me so angry. She refuses to go into a senior living apartment.
bobbir321 Why are you telling this woman that Assisted Living is the way to go? Do you know what that means? Assisted Living is for people who cannot manage fully on their own. She said nothing about her mother needing assistance in any way. She said her mother has moderate emphysema. That's all. It is manageable. Her daughter mentioned nothing of her dependence on anyone for daily living. I'm sure she can make her own meals, dress and bathe herself. I don't understand why people are so ready to shove their parents into a facility which, if they don't need to be there, will actually take away their independence and crush their confidence, dignity and will to live. What happened to caring for ALL of our brothers and sisters, not to mention the very people who raised us from infancy, our parents. By having this flippant attitude towards loved ones will only encourage your children to do the same thing to you. I am so glad that I would do anything for my mother who raised me and my 5 brothers and sisters while working 2 jobs her entire life just to make a decent life for us. The VERY LEAST I can do is welcome her into my home the same way she welcomed me into hers 55 years ago.
anne, thank you so much for your comments. i feel they were extremely helpful. i am trying to find the strength, i am working on finding obtaining some backbone. it is so hard when it is your mother. i think some of it is i am an only child and my parent divorced when i was 7 & mom remarried. i feel alone and guess she is the last little bit i have and am afraid to stand up to her. but this is no way to live with like you say her "bullying me" i need to speak up and say you can't just call me and complain about everything-she is so negative. i have to dig myself out to try to feel happy. i am always crying after i get off the phone with her and if i haven't spoken to her i worry about her. she told me she was re-writing her will when she was upset with me, so i guess i am going to be out and my kids will get all of her estate (she doesn't have alot just a modest house paid for and some money in the bank). i guess my mother feels she can try to keep hurting me-nothing like the love a special mother! i don't feel i should just sell my soul for these remarks. how awful!! sorry to keep going on---- thanks again for all your insight!!!!
my mom has dementia - started the same day she had surgery for gall bladder - before that her memory was fine- just moved her in -79 yrs. old- unsteady on feet- broke arm 4 months ago- have to watch bathroom use- seems to always get feces on the floor and tracks it through the house- very nervous , cant speak , prone to crying, americas funniest videos makes her laugh - keep it on all day, smokes- i dont so have to go in garage with her- my borther lives in her house, never moved out-used up most of the equity - i moved her in 1 week ago- $600 social security check goes into his accoiunt- he was supposed to write me a check - didnt- said the elecric bill was $600 cuz mom did it- love her to pieces, cant put her in home -no money anyways if it gets worse? need to get power of attorney - she has annuity for $14,000 would like to use that for funeral exp. when need it - brother said that it will take 3 weeks to get the money so recommends i get it out now- since she has dementia will it cost me $2500 to get power of attorney and i need to change her primary doc since i live 90 miles from her home - anyone know abut power of attorney?
Lcg, my mother ( who died a year and a half ago) used to try to say "manipulative" things to me too , to get me to do what she wanted me to do. When I was trying to get Dad to stop driving she said to me: "That's too much to ask of him." and "If he can't drive, he'd just as soon be dead." Just before she died, a situation came up where she was again trying to get me to do something I did NOT want to do ( and she knew it). For the first time, I said to her: "I will not be bullied into doing that." She was not happy about my saying that, but somehow inside I knew I needed to say that, and she needed to hear that, before she died. What I want to say to you is please find the strength within yourself to know that what you need to do for YOURSELF and your own self-preservation is right and good. God will tell us what to do, not our parents or anyone else. You are a wonderful daughter to care about your mother and love her this much. I loved my mother with all my heart and I miss her terribly. I know that you love your mother too. You are doing the best you can. You were smart to come to this site to discuss your situation with others in the same boat. It is so difficult to talk about these things out in the day to day world, in polite society. This website gives us a safe place to release our frustrations and receive suggestions from others who have ---let me say it---suffered through experiences where lessons were learned. God bless you and hang in there.
We were told as children not to be 'an indian giver'. But when it comes to adult kids taking in their parents to live (apparently forever), then, I'd rather be the Indian.... who cares?
I certainly,(speaking out of experience mind you) would NOT allow her to move in, simply because that is what I did. When we allowed My mother moved in with us , she was healthly enough to care for herself. We took her with us when we moved clear across the US to where we know no one. Then she got sick. My mother has been draining the life out of me and my marriage now for over 3 years. it has put a real strain on me, my husband, our finances, etc. I now live in a prison called home, I am unable to go anywhere or do anything but take care of My Mother. Don't get me wrong, its not about loving my mother, I Do love her very much ( I wouldn't be able to do what I've done if I didn't) Just remember, though, Once you start it.. its hard to undo. perhaps had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't be in this position. just a thought.
I took care of my dad and the farm for many years. 10 years he was in wheel-chair. He had colon cancer, triple by-pass and several other problems.His enlarged heart and lack of oxogen caused some sort of dementia which got worst. He was totalley bedridden the last year of his life. I was there for him 24-7. Now he is gone but I feel as though I am 85. I feel more comfortable around seniors than I do people my own age;IS THIS NORMAL TO FEEL 30 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU ARE,after taking care of your parent alone.
If your mom said you're "bad and selfish" for not taking her in, that's just a guilt trip she's sending you on. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a relatively happy, normal life with your husband and children. Needy people equal entrapment, so don't do it! But It it makes you feel better, let her stay overnight once every other month and visit during the Holidays. Be candid about it, but don't negotiate.
If you do, your life will no longer be your life. It will revolve around her navel and will become a nightmare and you will believe you have moved to the twilight zone and THEN you won't be able to find a way out of it and you will be stuck. Sorry, but that is a fact.
To onesmrtrn: Near where I live there are several apartment buildings for seniors where the rent is income-based. I was able to move my mom into one (after a 2+ year nightmare of her living with me and my family). All of us are MUCH better off! It's not a nursing home, but there is a social worker on-site that makes sure mom has any assistance she needs with day-to-day things. The stress and worry that I was experiencing with my mom living in my house has been cut by about 75%. Just "google" senior housing and the name of your city. Good luck!
I have also thought about moving my mom in with me and my family. I am an only child, and my options are slim. I have talked it over with several people and had long discussoins with my husband. My mother has become more and more dependent on me over the past year. I go to her home every nite after working all day. I assure she has something to eat, and takes her meds. After about an hour, I go home. I am so tired all of the time, I cannot enjoy anything anymore. Just think of what it would be like if she moved IN our home? She is self centered as well even if she doesn't mean to be. I have no one else, but she's not quite ready for a nursing home, and we cannot afford an assisted living. I'm stuck where I am....... GOOD LUCK to you! Please don't think your not a good daughter. I think your awesome for caring!
LCG - I thought my dad would socialize more at the nursing home - you can't make them do what they don't want to. The staff have tried - he even eats in his room... don't beat yourself up over it. Easier said than done, I know... specially since she is critical and you are her life it seems. You have to let go.. I did... b/c I soon saw that he and others in my family were gonna take control of my family. Balance and prayer is all you can do!
When my dad was at home, he would call me every few minutes - lived minutes away, mind you... forgetting he'd call, demanding something. He doesn't have a phone at the nursing home so that has stopped despite some wanting him to have a cell - something else for him to keep up with.
He is taken care of... I couldn't do it. He is critical and so negative. You are an only child I see so I can't imagine... I am the only daughter and here so I can relate very little. At least you don't have the critical eye of siblings. That can be more trouble than it's worth.
yes, you are right she does feel lonely and very concerned with her health and future. she does not want to join any groups she does not socialize with lunch, dinner or outings unless it is me. i would love to spend time with her when she is nice, not mad at me and not complaining about everything. she is mad i know because i saw my husbands family for new years day. i saw my mom for christmas eve, christmas day, day after christmas. my family went away to pennsylvania to see my son in a hockey tournament. i get back day before new years eve and invited her over for new years eve for a little while or dinner she declined. i told her i was going to see my husbands family to exchange gifts for new years day. she did not talk to me on new years day or the day after. i was home all weekend thought we could spend time together, told her but she did not want to speak to me since she was hurt i didn't see her new years day. weeks later she brought it up again and she said i really hurt her not seeing her i said i was sorry she was hurt but i never said i would see her new years day and that i had the weekend to spend time with her. now she refers to that as, she can not believe how i treat her, how she raised me and the things i have been saying to her and treating her the past few months. so to all if this seems like a horrible act please let me know--- she is not happy with doctors, we talk and i make appointments for her, change my work schedule and she said how about the other doctor and i don't want to do it anymore. how about she wants to look for a dog, and she buys the items and looks to pick it up over the weekend after i go with her to look at the dog, (this is about the 5th dog she has wanted, i am embarrassed to go in to the pet shop again). i ask her to go to dinner, she says its too crowded and we go to the mall-which is fine. i can't do it anymore. she is unhappy with her life she told me i have it better than her and everyone in her family has it better than her and she is the only one who has to work when she is sick. she is worried about finances but i can't make these major decisions for her..an attorney told her she needed a therapist, the pharmacist said to me,she either comes in crying or screaming. this is not me, i am seeing a therapist because my mom won't and she said i need to stop trying to make my mom happy. she doesn't want to be happy. and now the therapist is going to help me, see i am an only child and my mothers family is not local. she keeps saying she has no one to help her, no one to take care of her. she is 62 y/o and able to work (did i mention she hates her job) but it is hard but what would she do at home if she doesn't socialize. i don't know what to do??? but yes you are right she is lonely and afraid of her future....but what am i suppost to do??
No it's natural to feel that way. She's probably lonely and concerned about her future and health. Explain yourself to her and that you'll do what you can to keep her company or arrange for her to have some activities like a senior center. Do you visit her often? Maybe if you schedule a once a week visit then she won't feel like she's all alone. Encourage her to keep her independence if she can.
Taking on a parent with a family in place is very difficult especially if you don't have help.
God is beside us to guide us... you are only responsible for your actions and reactions... all sounds rather cliche sometimes, does it not? Seriously, you have to love yourself before you can love others, that includes taking care of yourself first. Don't feel guilty about it, either... for caregivers, I feel like we all are part of THEIR drama, are we not??? You gotta laugh to keep from crying most days! And my dad is in a nursing home - private pay!
Heavens, no! You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your loved ones, to the extent that you are able. Listen for God's direction in your heart as to what He is asking you to do. Remember the title of Leeza Gibbons' book: "Take Your Oxygen First". If you can afford to place your mother in retirement community, that is the way to go---best for all concernced. (unless, of course, all the parties agree to have Mom move into an adult child's home).
Nance, of course you know you're not alone in thinking that way. I tried staying away from my mom when she was acting out and treating me like crap. That went on for years and I was so torn with trying to take care of her and trying to take care of myself and not get lost in her drama.
Well, I'm lost in her drama. She's on the other side of acting like a fool and she's just a sweet old lady with dementia now, but I'm still cleaning up her messes.
I figure I'm in it and that's it. Sometimes it feels pretty hopeless so don't feel bad for having the thoughts of an intelligent individual that resents being trapped.
Your mom is giving you a guilt trip. They are real good at using it with their daughters. My mother uses it on me every day and it pisses me off, because it's just more selfishish and childish behavior that goes along with their brainwashing.
If there is anything I've learned (the hard way) from the caregiving nightmare, it's that my mother will get over it, if I don't bend.
Trust me, your mother will get over it, if not, then you're better off. Once you get into caring for your mother, you begin to drown and lose all sense of whom you are. Your mother will see to it. The longer you're in, the harder it is to get out.
The good thing about crying is that you feel better afterwards!! I came to realize that this care giving can really take a toll on OUR physical body, and can really put a long hurting on our mentality. No it doesn't seem fair, and there are no answers but we just keep on doing what we need to do to survive.
I know you will be alright because you have a wonderful heart!
it's hard to know i'm getting help with my mom and she is the one who should be seeing someone..... but i just can't go on like this crying anymore! it is upsetting me and my children it isn't fair..... but who says life is fair, right???
I have to say I don't know how my sister and her family have lived in my moms home for so long, (16 yrs) I know I couldn't do it, and especially now I am grateful I have my own place to run and hide too.
Has anyone had this terrible thought that I have?? I feel terrible about this but still I think about it--ok here it is !!! Just don't go there anymore--forget about it. I love my Mom , so why do I even think like that????
thank you soo much ladies.... i called my uncle (my mom brother) i said mom is mad at me and he said why this time?? and i told him if he ever felt that i was not being fair or not taking care of my mom to let me know. he completely understands and is very supportive of me!! i just needed to hear it from my family because, when your mother tells you things it is very hard and hurtful and i would never treat my daughter this way>> i love my mom but it has been hard when i was a young adult and now it seems to be the hardest. i am going to continue working with the therapist she is nice and says that i have to stop trying to make my mom happy and she looks to me for my feelings....which is hard for me but i think she is going to be good for me! thanks so much for listening.....my husband of course would probably thank you too!!!
My mom used to get me all crying and upset too. Sux.
My heart goes out to you because I know how difficult and crazy making this behavior is.
It's not you. Just know that. It's not you.
Tell your mom, 'Mom, it is not OK for you to talk to me like that.' and then back it up and disengage from the situation. You don't have to be upset, just disengage.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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thank you so much for your comments. i feel they were extremely helpful. i am trying to find the strength, i am working on finding obtaining some backbone. it is so hard when it is your mother. i think some of it is i am an only child and my parent divorced when i was 7 & mom remarried. i feel alone and guess she is the last little bit i have and am afraid to stand up to her. but this is no way to live with like you say her "bullying me" i need to speak up and say you can't just call me and complain about everything-she is so negative. i have to dig myself out to try to feel happy. i am always crying after i get off the phone with her and if i haven't spoken to her i worry about her. she told me she was re-writing her will when she was upset with me, so i guess i am going to be out and my kids will get all of her estate (she doesn't have alot just a modest house paid for and some money in the bank). i guess my mother feels she can try to keep hurting me-nothing like the love a special mother! i don't feel i should just sell my soul for these remarks. how awful!!
sorry to keep going on----
thanks again for all your insight!!!!
My mother has been draining the life out of me and my marriage now for over 3 years. it has put a real strain on me, my husband, our finances, etc. I now live in a prison called home, I am unable to go anywhere or do anything but take care of My Mother.
Don't get me wrong, its not about loving my mother, I Do love her very much ( I wouldn't be able to do what I've done if I didn't) Just remember, though, Once you start it.. its hard to undo. perhaps had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't be in this position.
just a thought.
If your mom said you're "bad and selfish" for not taking her in, that's just a guilt trip she's sending you on. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a relatively happy, normal life with your husband and children. Needy people equal entrapment, so don't do it! But It it makes you feel better, let her stay overnight once every other month and visit during the Holidays. Be candid about it, but don't negotiate.
When my dad was at home, he would call me every few minutes - lived minutes away, mind you... forgetting he'd call, demanding something. He doesn't have a phone at the nursing home so that has stopped despite some wanting him to have a cell - something else for him to keep up with.
He is taken care of... I couldn't do it. He is critical and so negative. You are an only child I see so I can't imagine... I am the only daughter and here so I can relate very little. At least you don't have the critical eye of siblings. That can be more trouble than it's worth.
Praying for you today... !
she is not happy with doctors, we talk and i make appointments for her, change my work schedule and she said how about the other doctor and i don't want to do it anymore. how about she wants to look for a dog, and she buys the items and looks to pick it up over the weekend after i go with her to look at the dog, (this is about the 5th dog she has wanted, i am embarrassed to go in to the pet shop again). i ask her to go to dinner, she says its too crowded and we go to the mall-which is fine. i can't do it anymore. she is unhappy with her life she told me i have it better than her and everyone in her family has it better than her and she is the only one who has to work when she is sick. she is worried about finances but i can't make these major decisions for her..an attorney told her she needed a therapist, the pharmacist said to me,she either comes in crying or screaming. this is not me, i am seeing a therapist because my mom won't and she said i need to stop trying to make my mom happy. she doesn't want to be happy. and now the therapist is going to help me, see i am an only child and my mothers family is not local. she keeps saying she has no one to help her, no one to take care of her. she is 62 y/o and able to work (did i mention she hates her job) but it is hard but what would she do at home if she doesn't socialize. i don't know what to do??? but yes you are right she is lonely and afraid of her future....but what am i suppost to do??
Taking on a parent with a family in place is very difficult especially if you don't have help.
of course you know you're not alone in thinking that way. I tried staying away from my mom when she was acting out and treating me like crap. That went on for years and I was so torn with trying to take care of her and trying to take care of myself and not get lost in her drama.
Well, I'm lost in her drama. She's on the other side of acting like a fool and she's just a sweet old lady with dementia now, but I'm still cleaning up her messes.
I figure I'm in it and that's it. Sometimes it feels pretty hopeless so don't feel bad for having the thoughts of an intelligent individual that resents being trapped.
Bobbie
If there is anything I've learned (the hard way) from the caregiving nightmare, it's that my mother will get over it, if I don't bend.
Trust me, your mother will get over it, if not, then you're better off. Once you get into caring for your mother, you begin to drown and lose all sense of whom you are. Your mother will see to it. The longer you're in, the harder it is to get out.
i just wish my mom saw it--
why do we seek approval from our moms so much!
you do not hear any whining sons??
lcg
I know you will be alright because you have a wonderful heart!
but i just can't go on like this crying anymore!
it is upsetting me and my children it isn't fair.....
but who says life is fair, right???
Nance and bobbie I'm with you.
I have to say I don't know how my sister and her family have lived in my moms home for so long, (16 yrs) I know I couldn't do it, and especially now I am grateful I have my own place to run and hide too.
I feel terrible about this but still I think about it--ok here it is !!!
Just don't go there anymore--forget about it.
I love my Mom , so why do I even think like that????
i called my uncle (my mom brother) i said mom is mad at me and he said why this time??
and i told him if he ever felt that i was not being fair or not taking care of my mom to let me know.
he completely understands and is very supportive of me!!
i just needed to hear it from my family because, when your mother tells you things it is very hard and hurtful and i would never treat my daughter this way>>
i love my mom but it has been hard when i was a young adult and now it seems to be the hardest.
i am going to continue working with the therapist she is nice and says that i have to stop trying to make my mom happy and she looks to me for my feelings....which is hard for me but i think she is going to be good for me!
thanks so much for listening.....my husband of course would probably thank you too!!!
My heart goes out to you because I know how difficult and crazy making this behavior is.
It's not you. Just know that. It's not you.
Tell your mom, 'Mom, it is not OK for you to talk to me like that.' and then back it up and disengage from the situation. You don't have to be upset, just disengage.
Good luck,
Bobbie