Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

midwest, I can't imagine being married 33 yrs and getting a divorce. I can see how it was the toughest time in your life. Then to have your mother joyful over it, wow, that's just terrible.
I admire you for believing you deserved the best and for going for it, keeping loyal friends and finally realizing the truth about your mom. I wish I could've had that feeling I deserved more, sooner rather than later. I'm thankful I reached that point but my life would've been so much happier if it hadn't been ingrained in me from toddlerhood that I didn't nor ever would deserve the best. You're right, I chose what I knew. I always thought I was looking for a good man like my dad but I was really looking for someone in mom's image. I get mad at myself for not being smart or snapping to about the clinical aspects of mom's condition, heck I wish I'd even known what the condition was in the first place. Then I move on and give thanks that I finally wised up and saw the truth.
I re-read emjo's list for narcissistic traits just to see if I had any of them. Whew, I think I'm in the clear! Not to say I don't have emotional problems but most of that is due to depression, which I'm convinced is inherited (too many cousins with it). The reason I checked was remembering when my daughter got mad at me a few times and told me "mom, it's not always about you". Little kids don't understand that at times what may seem selfish is actually a survival tactic, i.e. divorcing her step father because he threatened to kill me but she thought I was just making her move.
I do not even remotely blame mom for all of my woes. She built my foundation which has threatened many times to crumble but I finished the job and the final result is mine. I wish I knew what caused mom to be a narcissist. She hated her mom. I never saw anything wrong with my grandma, I loved her very much but then she didn't raise me. Could there ever have been anything amiss between my grandma and her mom, that I'll never know. Hey I could come from a long line of narcissists! I do know, like all of you, that it's not going to continue with me.

Sometimes we pick spouses that are so like our parents, because that is what we know and have grown up to believe to be normal. As sic as it is that is what we think we deserve. I on the other hand always believed I deserved a good man and I saw that in my ex-husband. Sometimes I think about the reason I divorced him and I have to wonder whether my expectations were tarnished by my mothers sneaky manipulation. I'm rethinking all the sequences. I was married for 33 years.
My Dad died 15 years ago and he liked my ex-husband. I think my Dad would have been a great shoulder to lean on while I was going through my Divorce 10 years ago, which was the toughest time in my life. I did not share to much with my mother, due to the fact she was very joyful that I was getting a divorce. She thought I was going to live with her. WRONG! Never.
Yes, I had a great Dad, he made sure I knew I was loved. He called me every day until he died and told me he loved me,
I also have life long friends who have been loyal to me. One of those friends is a high school girlfriend and she always remembers one particular behavior about my mother, Nancy always said: "I never knew if your mother was in a good mood or not!" There you go folks, so many tell tale signs years ago and I always made excuses for that mean woman, because I thought she had such a bad life as a single parent. Boy did she let me know what a burden I was. Til today. But guess what guys, I do not feel it's my fault. I'm actually a very adjusted person. I just have this mental vampire of a mother, that's all. Other that, Life is good! :)

AlwaysMyDuty, you are so lucky to have had your Dad. One thing I will say, by having a narcissistic, bullying dad, I looked for a gentle, kind, thoughtful man. A man who never gets into arguments or shouting matches. There are things about my husband of 30 years that I did not recognize. He is very cheap and tight fisted, just like mom and dad. That has been a challenge. Sometimes he is very passive agressive, I can deal with that. Dad taught me how not to behave. How talking down to people gets you nowhere. I looked up to men I worked with. I worked at a large engineering company for many years and when I did something "like dad", they would tell me. And I changed. I learned that when you lose control, you are not in control.

Yes, it was hard. Dad had some real "issues". My brother, mom and my dad's brother all have acknowledge this. Dad's only sister didn't even come to his funeral nor call my mom. I asked mom why and she said, "Oh, your aunt always hated him." Hmmmmm, I wonder why.

I think the biggest disappointment to me is recognizing my mother's part and her narcissism. My brother says she is much worse than dad. Not so, just different. They enabled each other and complimented each other. She let Dad verbally abuse her daughter and he gave her all of his money, which she saved, and she never had to work.

The more you read about this disorder, the better you life will be. you will understand it was "them" not you. Then you can fix some of the damage that has been done to you.

My father was not either. He was wonderful, loving, nurturing. He loved mom and I always thought they had a great relationship. His sister, though, has eluded in our conversations that wasn't the case. If pressed,I know she'd spill the beans, but I consider their talks confidential so I'll never ask and what good would it do anyway.
I've been married more times than I like to admit and each one was a narcissist, some worse than others. Looking back, I see why I married them and that those relationships were always doomed from the start. I stayed married a long time to each because I couldn't admit defeat. I said in an earlier post that I finally got it right with my current husband and it's due to recognizing the mistakes I made and learning from them. Let me tell you, it's not a good life to have a narcissist mom and a narcissist husband at the same time. I spent a good part of my life being miserable. That's why I'm so thankful for my husband and I never take our marriage for granted.
I can't imagine what a nightmare you endured madge1 with your parents. I'm sad for you. I don't even want to think what my life would've been without my dad. I had him for 46 fantastic years. When he died, I had a nervous breakdown. It was the saddest day of my life. The next day my mom turned on me like a pitbull. She knew I no longer had my protector or the person I loved more than my own life. It brings me to tears just thinking about it. I couldn't understand how a parent could be so cruel and hateful and so jealous about her own flesh and blood. I don't understand how a parent can hate one child and adore the other. I'm a mom, I understand loving your kids for the people they are...I just don't get it.

My Father was not. In fact my Father was very loving towards me and perhaps that is why I always had long term relationships with men. But I must admit in in hind site, some of my behavior was not loving towards my ex-husband, but he always assured me, that he understood me. Thank God I did not marry a Narcissist. He in fact protected me during our marriage from my mother. She hated him and then again my mother had no use for men, unless they did her bidding.

Although I have read that males are more narcissistic then females. Help me out folks, are they?

I have a question. Were any of your parents "both" narcissistic? Mine were. Dad was far worse than mom. They enabled each other. He was verbally abusive and emotionally abusive. When he died, I didn't care. That was my first light bulb moment.

I can find many books about narcissistic mothers. And mine is very narcissistic. However, I can't find many books about narcissistic fathers. Dad was just awful, very abusive. Even my golden child brother and mother admit he was, however, mom doesn't want me to talk about it now that he is dead, of course. And forget that she let it go on and never defended me.

I know how mother's affect their daughters but what does a narcissistic father do? I know I should be completely bonkers with my parents but I am not. Not perfect and have damage but I am realizing waht alot of the damage is and have been very lucky in my relationships.

Would love to hear from those with narcissistic fathers too.

It's getting funnier by the minute......hissing possum. LOL

AlwaysMyDuty- Yes Mom called again. I let it go to voice mail. I was on the phone with my cousin when she called. I listen to her message and she moaned a groaned about her mail being redirected. Basically it's not an emergency. She also said that I was not calling her back, I only leave voice messages, there for she will call me at work. Yikes! She never called me at work, I always told her, unless it's an emergency do not call me at work.
She is worming herself back in. Now what? I really don't want to talk to her. There is nothing to talk about. I need distance. She sounds so normal. WHAT?
Hey ya all, what is the solution? Help!

Thanks midwest. Yes, mom played a big role in our first breakup. She was thrilled when we broke up and doubt she'd be pleased we're back together. We jumped at this second chance because we knew it was a blessing to get it. Your guy friend is right, you're mom is jealous, hates you and wants you to fail. That exactly describes my mom. She was so jealous of my relationship with my son and daughter that she constantly badmouthed me. They got mad and told her to stop and avoided her as much as possible. I felt so bad for them. I had wonderful grandmas and I wished they'd had that with mom. Did your mom ever call back? Good for you in distancing yourself. Easier on your nerves I'm sure. I also agree that it's helpful for all of us to discuss our narcissistic moms. I spent a lifetime thinking I was the only one with a mean mom.
MyWitsEnd, that's hilarious about the rabid animal thought! I sure hope you can get that her "trapped and released" elsewhere. She doesn't need to be with y'all if she can't behave.

Playagrandma, you are right. I have known that, but the non-confrontational part of me didn't want to face it. With her continued treatment of our son, I need to step up for his sake. I got on this board because of MIL, but these threads have helped me come to terms with my own mother's issues. She died a few years ago, but the impact of growing up a narcissist never goes away, really. There are definately things I need to work on. One thing though, I have little tolerance of this behavior in others. MIL is not my mother, so she does not have her hooks in me. Her tricks don't work because I don't care what she thinks. My husband has a harder time. I need to figure out how I can help him get there. He knows she needs to go, but getting her out is another issue. It sounds horrible, but I feel like a rabid animal has built a nest in our house, and I can't get it out. Actually, she does resemble a hissing possum on occasion :).

Alwaysmyduty- How fantastic that you found your first love. That made me think of my first love, how my mother destroyed mine. I almost married him and we were nuts about each other, but my mother made sure I was not going to be with him. 35 years later he found me and we met. You see we moved and he went to Viet Nam, when he returned he could not find me. He looked for me over 5 years and then one day he ran in to my mother and asked about me and she told him I wanted nothing to do with him, which was a lie. I never knew she saw him and he asked about me. Years later he found out were I worked and called me. I will not go in to this story what happen, but we met after a flurry of phone calls. When he called me the first time, he asked me if I knew who this was, I hesitated listen and said: "Where you been?"
Anyway, let's just say for now my NM had a lot to do with my love interests. She has destroyed many opportunities for me and today one of my dearest guy friends said: Your mother is jealous of you, she wants you to fail and she hates you. She wants you mostly to fail, so you crawl back to her. She wants to control every aspect of your life. He was blunt and said it like it is.
I'm so thrilled for you that you found happiness. Yeahhhhh!!!!!

playagrandma,catgrace,flameworker--- Ohhh you guys are so right. The drama that plays out with these mothers is unbelievable and yet we all now can see that we are not alone. I knew we weren't, but isn't it great to converse with each other on this blog and see that we all have something in common. The question then becomes how to handle it.
My saga is at a point right now that it's been six days since she left and granted the distance is what makes it great for me and yet I know her tentacles, (the phone) can reach across the country. So what to do? I decided to keep my distance even more, by limiting communication. I already told her Doctor to call me if there was something important I should know and I reiterated "important". But guess what Folks, last night I was on Skype with my son and the phone rang. It was about 11 pm. I looked at the phone and what shows "Mom," I let it ring and go in to voice mail. Did not call her. I know why she is calling me. She had the mail redirected back to her home and wanted to talk about the mail that is coming. It's not an emergency. This morning I decided to call her, but I chose a time I knew she was still sleeping or still groggy. My mother is an night owl. She wakes up late and takes numeral naps during the day and then stays up til 2-3 am.
Sure enough when I called this morning her answering machine came on, which I was hoping it would and I left a voice message that her mail has been sent out. For the first time, I did not address the voice mail with "Hi Mom" I simply went in to my message and hung up. I noticed during the week I have a hard time mentioning the word "Mom" that's to endearing. I can't say Mother ether, that gives her to much authority. I have noticed that I have been cauterized. My warm and fuzzy feelings that I had left for her are slowly disappearing.
Mind you when I was listening to her voice message, her voice sounded so endearing and sweet. Her request was so gentle and kind. I just shook my head and thought to myself, what a camel-ion. Can change in a heart beat. And I think that is what draws us back each time, we are hoping to hear more of that kind, gentle soul. Not happening. I know better.
So, after I hung up. I thought to myself. You did good. Keep her at an arms distance and limit your communication. Don't be angry, do not retaliate. Do not get yourself all in a tither. Simply live in piece within yourself.
I know my mother doesn't get herself all together until late afternoon and she will get the voice message. Technically that's all she needs to know, but she will try to worm herself back in to my life as if nothing happen. But it did. My eyes are more open then ever and I will not allow her to manipulate me.
Thank God I have people who know how my mother is and yet these same people never say anything to her about her behavior. I wonder why that is. My aunt for instance, her youngest sister, knows how she is and sometimes they get in to it too, handles it by not calling her, which my mother interprets it that my aunt is cheap and does not want to call because she watches the dollar. My aunt on the other hand told me the reason she does'n t call her sister (My Mother) is because my mother is mean and argumentative. And my aunt said she knows that her sister thinks it's because of money, which is a lie, my aunt simply find her sister nasty. Well, welcome to my world, I told my aunt! I have asked my aunt why she doesn't call her on her bad behavior and my aunt said: It's not worth it. She has so many other things going on in her life and my mother would only occupy to much space. Further more, my aunt stated that it does not matter what anyone thinks, my mother will always think that she is right and everyone else is stupid. So what is the point in arguing with someone who is so set in their ways.
I have to pay more attention to my aunt, she has the right idea. Limit communication.
Let's see what the day will bring. Will she call me? I hope not. What do you guys think?

playagrandma,catgrace,flameworker--- Ohhh you guys are so right. The drama that plays out with these mothers is unbelievable and yet we all now can see that we are not alone. I knew we weren't, but isn't it great to converse with each other on this blog and see that we all have something in common. The question then becomes how to handle it.
My saga is at a point right now that it's been six days since she left and granted the distance is what makes it great for me and yet I know her tentacles, (the phone) can reach across the country. So what to do? I decided to keep my distance even more, by limiting communication. I already told her Doctor to call me if there was something important I should know and I reiterated "important". But guess what Folks, last night I was on Skype with my son and the phone rang. It was about 11 pm. I looked at the phone and what shows "Mom," I let it ring and go in to voice mail. Did not call her. I know why she is calling me. She had the mail redirected back to her home and wanted to talk about the mail that is coming. It's not an emergency. This morning I decided to call her, but I chose a time I knew she was still sleeping or still groggy. My mother is an night owl. She wakes up late and takes numeral naps during the day and then stays up til 2-3 am.
Sure enough when I called this morning her answering machine came on, which I was hoping it would and I left a voice message that her mail has been sent out. For the first time, I did not address the voice mail with "Hi Mom" I simply went in to my message and hung up. I noticed during the week I have a hard time mentioning the word "Mom" that's to endearing. I can't say Mother ether, that gives her to much authority. I have noticed that I have been cauterized. My warm and fuzzy feelings that I had left for her are slowly disappearing.
Mind you when I was listening to her voice message, her voice sounded so endearing and sweet. Her request was so gentle and kind. I just shook my head and thought to myself, what a camel-ion. Can change in a heart beat. And I think that is what draws us back each time, we are hoping to hear more of that kind, gentle soul. Not happening. I know better.
So, after I hung up. I thought to myself. You did good. Keep her at an arms distance and limit your communication. Don't be angry, do not retaliate. Do not get yourself all in a tither. Simply live in piece within yourself.
I know my mother doesn't get herself all together until late afternoon and she will get the voice message. Technically that's all she needs to know, but she will try to worm herself back in to my life as if nothing happen. But it did. My eyes are more open then ever and I will not allow her to manipulate me.
Thank God I have people who know how my mother is and yet these same people never say anything to her about her behavior. I wonder why that is. My aunt for instance, her youngest sister, knows how she is and sometimes they get in to it too, handles it by not calling her, which my mother interprets it that my aunt is cheap and does not want to call because she watches the dollar. My aunt on the other hand told me the reason she does'n t call her sister (My Mother) is because my mother is mean and argumentative. And my aunt said she knows that her sister thinks it's because of money, which is a lie, my aunt simply find her sister nasty. Well, welcome to my world, I told my aunt! I have asked my aunt why she doesn't call her on her bad behavior and my aunt said: It's not worth it. She has so many other things going on in her life and my mother would only occupy to much space. Further more, my aunt stated that it does not matter what anyone thinks, my mother will always think that she is right and everyone else is stupid. So what is the point in arguing with someone who is so set in their ways.
I have to pay more attention to my aunt, she has the right idea. Limit communication.
Let's see what the day will bring. Will she call me? I hope not. What do you guys think?

You betcha, midwest, this can consume you. I choose not to let it. I don't suppress the thoughts but don't dwell either. It happened and nothing I can do to change it. I just make a concerted effort to not be like mom. I feel resentment that mom could be so loving and kind to my sister and treat me so crappy. But I don't blame my sister and would never trade lives with her. She's far worse off than I am. She's in desparate need of a spine implant. At least I can face life and tackle what needs attention...she can't. We had "different" mothering and each came out with problems.
While I was caring for mom, I was married to a narcissist, albeit and "nice" one. That marriage didn't survive unfortunately. Two yrs ago, my high school sweetheart contacted me, and we're fixin to celebrate one yr of marriage. I finally "got it right". He supports me, encourages me and loves me, flaws and all. And my mom always said no man would want a dumb, unattractive,mentally ill excuse of a person that I was...well she was wrong! I've decorated the house with momentos from our parents,but none from mom because it's too painful. I'm surrounded with happy memories and enjoy life with the love of my life. I worked hard at self improvement and overcoming obstacles and the time was right for me to feel I deserved happiness. I kinda feel sorry for mom now. She was so busy being mean, she missed out on a whole lot of good stuff. Nope, I don't want to be like her. So in a kind of quirky way, she did me a favor. From it all, I have the ability to get through life without consciously hurting others. I feel blessed and sorta proud that I never let her break me. It's the little things, I guess!

freedom, as I mentioned in my "hug" to you, we could have grown up in the same home. Occasionally, though, people outside our home became my mother's victims. She simply adored making people jump through hoops for her, even if the target behavior was the opposite of what she found "acceptable". For example, my mother prided herself on being a teetotaler, but when she invited our minister for dinner, she insisted on serving wine when she knew he abstained. She nagged, cajoled and mocked him (even Jesus drank wine) until he, uncomfortably, caved and had a small glass.
A boyfriend of my sister refused to drink because his father had been an alcoholic. We were all wondering why my mother was in such a good mood the evening she prepared her specialty, chicken paprikash for sis's boyfriend. It wasn't until dessert was being served that she revealed that she put wine in the dish (never had been before!) and she gleefully watched him squirm at the news. The woman is pure evil.
On the other hand, my mother adores anyone who serves her. When we had to admit mom to a rehabilitation facility after her hip replacement, the staff was just gushing over how lovely and sweet she was. "Bless her heart," they would say as my sister and I just exchanged knowing glances as we new she couldn't keep up her charade indefinitely. Sure enough, after three days she'd call the front desk and shriek at the receptionist, refuse to do the physical therapy, called the nurses constantly to do things like change the channel on her TV because she couldn't figure it out. The staff was shocked, but my sister and I were relieved that for the first time, someone else was finally witness to her abusive behavior.

playagrandma ~ Whoa you are so right. Narcissium (sp) cannont be cured. They are who they are. Mean and nasty and oh so selfish. The whole world evolves around them. Mom has played so many tricks on all us forever that everyone in the family has left and will not have anything to do with her. Only my son and his wife still visit her. She was born that way. She had 3 younger sister's who have since passed away. All 3 of them were gracious, sweet, kind and loving. Mom was the oldest and demanded it all. She was the only one growing up who had her own bedroom and a new bedroom set. The other's slept in one bed together. She is 85 and mean and nasty. When I moved out I couldn't get all my things including my clothes. Today I am trying to figure out how to get them. She will not allow me to take anything from the house even though I lived there and cared for her 21 year'. My son went over there last week to pick up my air purifier. The caregiver who happens to mine also, told me mom went down to my room to inspect and see what my son had taken. She watches everything with a Hawks eye. Even through her Dementia. Go figure

mywitsend-please please get her out and now-she is toxic and there will be a next time. My NM thinks that saying she is sorry-acts like nothing happened-trys to give blood money-makes everything okay but there is always a next time. And when there is a next time and you remind her about her actions the last time? she all of sudden has dementia. These people have all the tricks in the book. Good luck and hang in there

My mother was a narcissist as is my MIL. My mother passed away several years ago. I have tried to hold on to the good memories and let go of the bad. Sadly, I do feel some relief that I do not have to deal with her drama anymore. The affects on me as an adult are mixed. My husband and I realized early the similarities in our mothers. One difference is I know my mother loved me. She could be wonderful one minute and raging the next. She was never diagnosed, so I have to wonder if something else was going on too. My MIL, however, has no capacity for nurturing and love. She definately sees herself as the queen and everyone else beneath her. My husband and I are both extremely nice. I definately do not like yelling or conflict. We have had very little of either in almost 30 years. We have a very calm home. I have suffered from low self esteem, and have had to work at speaking up and voicing my opinion. I am getting better, though. Several months ago MIL moved in. We should have said no, but husband felt guilty. Big mistake. It has been a nightmare. She is mean and nasty. Just yesterday, she was being very negative toward our teen son, who does not deserve it. I just snapped. I remember no adults standing up for me when my mom was putting me through hell. I will not let that happen to my son. I told my husband enouh, she needs to ofind another place to live. She can well afford it, but she isbgetting 4 star treatment here and doesn't want to leave. Tough. Following being so nasty yesterday, she was sweet as pie today. My husband told me she feels bad. Have we not all seen this play out many, many times? They be nice, absolving themselves from whatever they did, and a few days later, they are back to their old ways. I will not let anyone cause my children to be miserable in their own home. If she is lonely by herself, she only brought it on herself.

Alwaysonduty- I too felt robbed. Girl I feel your pain. But I do not feel resentment. I do feel a loss.
This ordeal has made me strong in many ways. I'm very confident in what I do and I feel I did the best I knew how under the circumstances.
There are moments, but one can not let it get to you to much, otherwise it will consume you.
Right? Right!

My narcissist mom died 2 yrs ago. I had to hear it from my elderly aunt (dad's sister) from 1200 mi away although mom was in a hospital 8 mi away from me. Sis called her with the news (she lives 3000 mi). Sis has yet to speak or write the words to me. Why? Because mom told her never to tell me if she died. Can we say hateful on both their parts? To be honest, I was relieved. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted. No more ugly names, no more ridicule, no more hate, no more fear. I was moving ahead very slowly trying to pick up the pieces. Then I get involved in a legal entanglement with my sister over my mom's estate and believe me, I would've avoided it all costs except I was going to get sued. Bam! there went the relief. All those feelings plus some smacked me in the face. The damage this woman has caused is massive to me. I don't hate her, I don't hate anyone. I just feel resentment. She robbed me of having a normal, loving mother/daughter relationship, she robbed me of entering adulthood somewhat sane or secure or worthy, she robbed me of being able to have a decent marital relationship and then berated me for failing, I could go on but it does no good. I won't give up, will continue slowly moving forward and not let all this consume me. I guess she did me one favor through all this...even though she wanted to wear me down, it had the opposite effect. I can survie anything or at least die trying!

Joymoon- I just read your piece and you sound so classic. Sometimes there are remnant's from our past and we make mistakes with our children without realizing it and at this point I see it now. I for one did not want to be like my mother and I tried so hard with my kids not to be, that I became over bearing and constantly praised them and my oldest son hated it. I did not know how much he resented it, but ultimately it damaged our relationship. We recently talked after not talking to with each other for over a year. Guess what, I did some soul searching and I picked up the phone and called my son when I knew he could talk. We spent almost 2 hours on the phone and he said some things that made me realize how much my mother had an influence on me, even though I thought I wasn't like her. My son told me that , I constantly praised him and made sure that everyone knew it that I was able to make it happen (boy shades of my mother) and he said he was embarrassed especially when I would do it publicly. I guess that stemmed from not hearing anything good from my mother and never measuring up. I compensated by bragging about my boys, because I wanted everyone to know I was proud of them. By doing it so often I must have cultivated resentment in him, which I had no clue I was doing it. Our recent conversation was a good one and he indicated that perhaps we can build mutual respect. He wants to be respected as an adult and I agree. I never thought that I was not. As far as I saw it was basically my concern and I had high expectations for my son because he is brilliant when it comes to comprehending what he reads. He received a letter from Ronald Reagan commending him for being one of the top 5% Nationally of being smart. Well, as you see, what Mother would not be proud of a son who has this gift and I thought he was going to go to college, unfortunately he went 1 year to a top state college and he actually flunked out. Did drugs and did not have any ambition. I was mortified. I knew he was not happy but I could not put my finger on it. Long story short. He is now very happy. Has a wife and 7 children. But during this time he and I have been struggling with our relationship. Mind you I have other children and I do not have an issue with them, like I have with this one.
The point I'm making is this. First, think about what you can do to make things better, be honest with yourself. Meet them on a one on one level. Take baby steps. Don't put the blame on anyone. Listen to their grievance and validate it. Don't be like your mother. See what you can do to make things better.
I spoke to my son 2 weeks ago and I know he is not going to call me, because that's the way he is, so I will call him again. I will not talk about anything heavy, keeping it light. Let's face it, my son is almost 40, he does not need a Mommy. And I do not want to be mothering all over again, there for I will see were he wants to take the conversation. Less said on my side the better I'm off. I need to listen more.
I hope this has given you some other perspective and now do what you need to do my friend.
Hugs........midwest

How would you feel if they died ties in to the questions of "impacts". The narcissistic bleeds you completely dry of all emotion. I know that for decades I've lived as a completely numb person because my mother's extraordinary bottomless pit of needling the emotions of everyone. You cannot afford to feel or the sorrow would be so great as to be fatal around someone who smirked with pleasure over every successful humiliation they inflicted on you. I lived on automatic pilot, ferrying her to doctors appointments, fixing her dinners, attending to various needs she was too "helpless" to do and dealing with her endless "I can't handle it" about any challenge she might have to face. her response was to tell neighbors and relatives I didn't do a #(*% thing to be helpful.

I remember this cold hearted monster telling me to "get over it" when I found out my now ex was cheating. She informed me that she had an affair with a married man and when the wife came to the door she laughed in her face. She was still tickled by it and wanted me to get it that I was nothing but a joke. This heartless woman that cannibalized her children emotionally for decades then expected tender "I love you" 6 times a day from the people she brutalized. This person that left us with nothing but crumbs for affection, and in my case she swept even those away. The person I purposefully had to remove any sense of feeling in order to survive? How would I feel.... I think I would let the dam of tears I've held back for years lose, lay on the floor and weep for joy that the nightmare called mother was gone for good. Can I ever admit this to anyone publically, in the family, friends, or others I know? never. But, in answering this question I realize this is just one of the many impacts, you have no love left to give, life is about survival and nothing more

For now I will stay in the background. I did call my mothers Doctor the following day and discussed with him my observation. He knows me and we met a few times years ago and I told him our history. He knows how my mother is and he did suggest to her she go in to Assisted Living, but she told him, no way. She does have mobility issues. My mother is determined to live at her home, even if it means to hire people. I have no clue how long this will last, but neither the Doctor or I have any rights if she still has all her marbles. I hope she can live at her home and I know she qualifies for people to come in and help her with some tasks. The question is if they last and how long until she falls. She does not have anyone staying with her, but I'm sure after this visit she will be looking for someone, because she realizes I'm not going to live with her and take care of her. Even if my mother was sweet as pie and we got along great I would not be able to commit myself to such a task, she is to heavy for me to lift and I have back issues. Let's face it, at this age all of us have something going on with our bodies too. I told her Doctor to call me if there was something very serious. He stated he would. So now I will leave everything as it is and go on with my life. Sooner or later I will get that call. I'm slowly preparing myself.
I recently communicated with someone on this site and I said if my mother died tomorrow, how would I feel and I think the first thing that popped in to my mind was......Relief. How about you guys, what are your thoughts? How will you feel?
Of course we do not know exactly because it hasn't happen and I know it's sort of taboo, but be honest. Perhaps some of you already lost a NM, what were your emotions?

My mother did the same to me. Since I was little, she always told other people that I was a sickly child-yeah from her unrefrigerated cooking ingredients! If I got a 95 or 96 on a school paper, it was, why did you not get 100%? It was all about her and her Eastern Star meetings, how she looked to other people, how to hide the fact that my father was and died a drunk at age 49. About her taking care of her ill mother(who lived to 97-and who did all the housework for her till the day she broke her hip and died 3 days later). It was my mother who wanted me to stay married to idiots just for the sake of being married and not have the stigma of divorce. She refused to allow me to move away more than 2 blocks from her house-this of course, got all my husbands goat. Everything was on her terms, around her job or part time job-she went to work knowing that her second husband was dying. Then she took all her second husbands money and gave very little to his grown up sons from his first marriage. She had boyfriends and live-ins till she was 83 and then took my druggie son hostage as her lacky to drive her around to doctors and her precious fraternal meetings. She always told me, why can't you be nice like other woman your age(I do have two masters degrees and have worked the majority of my life), why are you not a joiner, why are you so against going to church every Sunday, always what and why and how I could have done better. She told me I was pretty as a child and that I looked like Shirley Temple and did have over 100 dresses for me which my grandmother washed and ironed. She refused to allow me to stay up past 7PM to ruin her night when I was a child, she did not allow children to come to my house for over an hour to play with me or even eat with me(omg-this could give me a stomach ache). I finally moved away at 51 with my kids and it was wonderful to fly away from her constant nagging. This move angered her even more as now I had left her. She was a poor old lady getting over her mastectomys and 83. I moved into the family house which at that time was hers and mine. I told her to sell and come join me as I was going to do something new and get away from the area where I had 3 bad marriages. She refused and insisted that I would fail. I opened a bed and breakfast, a chamber of commerce and had fun at many types of meetings taking my then 9 year old daughter with me everywhere. I did not want history to repeat itself but as it always does, my daughter hates me too now. She claims I have personality disorder and other things. She just graduated college and is only 22 and now working. She has stated that she is living in my shadow and her fathers and doesnt want her father or I to talk about her. Well, we do when she has told me about her drinking and drugging. We both have issues with her at the moment. She now claims she was never wanted(I had her at 42 after a Downs Syndrome abortion with another pregnancy) and never gave her parenting or love nor did her dad. I really tried not to be like my mother and know that I made many many mistakes but always told her I loved her many times daily and was there for her all the time, contraray to her beliefs. What do you guys think? I live alone now and am very lonely and bitter due to my children shunning me now for 8-12 years.

Midwest I'm sorry you are in this fix is well - a two month visit sounds impossibly difficult! I'm a little farther down the road, my mother is starting to lose her marbles and I must tell you unfortunately distance is only the answer up to a point. You have to ask yourself, if it's truly literally down to you or the State, are you really willing to let things get bad enough to where the authorities take over? Realize that "bad enough" in some states and cities will equal really terrible conditions and until the authorities do take over do you sit back and do nothing while maintaining your boundaries? This is the choice I face as my mother is slowly beginning signs of dementia and I am literally the only person who can/will intervene. There are no other siblings, no spouse, no relatives, no neighbors, no friends, no trusted doctor, no church buddies. To act like we have the luxury of just walking away, well do we? I have to live with myself down the line and that makes all this so much harder.

Midwest, I agree with about it being embarrassing to admit to friends what sort of mother one has. Those who have not experienced this particular type of maternal toxicity might wonder what sort of "brat" is so "ungrateful" to the paragon of maternal virtue that brought them into the world. Having a mother who was so extremely skilled at hiding her manipulative, hateful self under a sweet, longsuffering and gentle pretense would cause others to question my sanity if I spoke of what really transpired behind the doors of our fake world. That are have enough self possession in the absence of witnesses to know what your were dealing with is a grace. Having siblings only helps if they admit the truth and there was equally bad treatment so that intimate witnesses could affirm the woman is in fact a monster. If siblings are involved in carrying out her manipulative abuse and get stroked by her for being abusive to the child she has chosen to vent her hatred on, then siblings do far more harm than good. I've found generally the Narcissist mother is skilled at dividing and conquering siblings and burying the bodies so that no witness speak to each about the mind games going on. My own siblings benefited financially by burying the secrets and calling me crazy for not being willing to. Fortunately, I had a cousin with a similar life experience that validated with her observations the truth of the monster in the home. Can I share this with people whom my mother has hoodwinked, never. She is so convincing an actress that they are clueless.
For example mother's friend regularly calls with whom she sweetly states oh Elizabeth you are such a dear friend and so sweet, (on and on and on) and when she hangs up mommy dearest comments that woman is a stupid moron. Elizabeth is non the wiser of my mother's contempt. People want to believe that mothers are unselfish and loving and so it is beyond their comprehension what a demonically inspired monster called mother would look like

so many classic descriptions -with some so familair and some not so familiar. As for my who has posted at length elsewhere here(hi Joan)-I do have no self esteem-very insecure and decided finally that I am done with my NM. One thing I have realized but never did before from someone who posted earlier-I have went by whole life overcompensating to family and friends in hopes I will be accepted and loved. Going out of my way to make sure everything is perfect and often left drained when isnt wasnt. With my family, I dont know how to say no-no matter what and often times I wanted to. Its been a slow slow process for me, to finally come to terms with all this. I have learned so much from these forums and thankful I did. have a great weekend everyone.

To Alwaysmyduty- Why are you responsible for your mothers debt? I can't fathom being stuck in that situation and before I fall in the same hole, please enlighten me.

To Freedom- In my situation being an only child with a Father being absent from age 6 until I was 20 years old gave my mother the license to use me as her whipping post. My Father was not absent by his choice. My mother took me out of the Country and never returned. I finally reunited with my Father when I was 20 years old and he made sure I knew I was loved each day. .
I think we play a role because our own need to be liked and loved by our mother is so ingrained that we desire to be in their life because we want their love so badly and yet it's never going to happen. NB can't change and they do have problems having other relationships as well, but the relationships that they do have don't know their true "Face."
I totally get the part that you are compassionate, a deep thinker, a lover of beauty, artistic, nurturing and mentoring to others. I too have that quality and I always wanted to make people happy, to a point sometimes sacrificing my own happiness. I have become better at saying NO. I do feel I have many positive assets due to my experience, the biggest one is that I strive not to be anything like my Mother.

Hey, this is a good blog and one can see how many people are affected by those who have raised us. Keep it coming!
Hugs to all.........midwest

Impacts... I think the level of destructiveness in the impact depends on what role you played in the narcissistic family. Its not just mother or father, everyone plays a particular role in the system. I have a hero brother, the surrogate husband to my mother, he is egotistical, driven to a degree that appears manic, extremely wealthy from being given the family business (since he was male), entitled, and unable to make commitments to women. He persecutes the scapegoat sister (me) the one blamed for all the family shame. Impacts, I grew up feeling absolutely worthless, void of any hope of any future, and expected to die before I was 21 because I anticipated no future at all. I married an extremely abusive entitled man and stayed forever thinking it was all I deserved. My sister became a therapist abusing clients, power hungry, and assumes she is a victim while victimizing others with a ferociously bitter spirit. The picks up with men who don't want her, prostituting her inner self for their approval. My mother toys with her frequently, a sparring my sister doesn't realize she is in, and she has frequently been used by my mother. Most recently she was chosen to inform me I wasn't wanted at the family holiday gatherings because "poor" people made them uncomfortable. How has it impacted me, these are just the tip of the iceberg ways. But on a positive note, I'm compassionate, a deep thinker, a lover of beauty, artistic, nurturing and mentoring to others. I suspect the extreme deprivation of human kindness made me value it so intensely and want to carry it to hurting people. I understand hurt in ways that are rare. that is another gift.

I'm real emotional after reading these posts because they're my story too. I feel all the same emotions, have lived the same insecure life. My mom died 2 yrs ago yet I'm spending my retirement fund paying a lawyer every month to get out of a legal mess she left. I just "thought" she had disowned and left me out of her will, but oh no, that's far from the case. If she didn't make my life a living hell while she was here she sure made certain it'd continue after her death. I'll NEVER be rid of her. One day I'll have enough money to get counseling and see if I can salvage something before I pass on and just hope I haven't messed up too many people along this journey. God bless all of you!

Correction to previous Answer:
Oops, I meant to say 2,000 miles instead 2