Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

As an only child everything does fall on you. I'm an only child as well, but there is a solution. Move across the country. I did. She recently came to visit for 2 months and it was that visit that truly woke me up. She went back and not a moment to soon. I was emotionally drained. The fact that she has all her marbles together is a positive factor for me. She does not allow me to help her in any shape or form, not because she is kind, because she thinks I'm to stupid to do anything, she is the only one who knows everything. Never mind that I'm a professional woman and have huge responsibilities in the real world. I simply don't have the brains according to her. Can you imagine, I could not even pack her luggage, because I don't know how. Never mind that I traveled the world and when my kids were small I packed everyone's luggage. Anyway, when you are an only child everything is being dumped on you, the good and the bad. But moving across the country allowed me to be far away and she can't call me every time and make demands. My commitment to my job and the fact that I'm not at a retirement stage, allows me a legitimate excuse why I'm were I am. Although she likes to dump the guilt trip on me and say that "I deserted her", which is why I invited her to stay with me for unspecified time. Two months is all I could take and she was happy to go home. I can understand the "home" is always "home" bit, but her behavior while on this visit sealed the deal for me that I will never be able to take care of her on a daily basis. She would bury me first.
As an only child and the grooming that has been done during our lifetime, makes our current situation sometimes very challenging. How to cut loose? Other then moving 2 miles away, one has to disconnect and make the contact limited. LIMITED is the key word. I believe it's not good for our self to just cut them off totally, but keeping the distance, whether by miles or emotional, keep your distance. Don't share anything personal, you will regret it. Mine was very good at this one and each time it happen I was mad at myself for sharing. because later on down the road she would use that information and twisted and degrade me. So, do not share. If you have a best friend, share with that person. I learned over the years not to share any information. Later on she got the message and accused me of hiding things from her and I told her, that she was not the person I like to confide in because she plays dirty, she uses it against me. She just sat there and looked. GOTCHA! You see, you have to be calm and say it very factually, they hate it, but you must draw the line. Establishing boundaries is essential. Narcissistic people hate being told that they are wrong. My mothers biggest complaint always was that she always said that I was against her and I told her repeatedly I was not, I simply do not agree with her, which I'm entitled. NB has this grandiose idea that they are the only ones who know everything and everyone else is beneath them.
As an only child it is very difficult to deal with such a parent, because your all alone, but if you have a good support system, you will be fine.
This site is were you can express your self and find that you have many sisters and brothers who are in the same boat. I felt that I was talking way to much to my friends about the same subject and I did not abuse them and I'm sure they were getting bored and my constant "my mother this, my mother that" and "you know what my mother said to me today". I knew intellectually that I was talking way to much about my mother to my best friend and I had to find another outlet. And being computer literate I found this site and ever since then it's been very helpful.
How about you? Do you feel this site has been very helpful? Have you also talked way to much to your friends or family members about "Mom?" I found that some of the stuff that has occurred between my mother and I, I could not even tell my friends. Way to embarrassing, because of our age and it's so hard to believe that we have such a drama in our lives. Would you agree?
Have a good day..... midwest

I've been in therapy most of my life because of my personality disordered parents. One thing I wish would have happened that never did is that no therapist said to me - "Fairydust, wake the hell up! These people are going to get old and you will be on the hook for their care as an only child, make plans accordingly! And they may get old fast and not wait until they are 80 to need you." One of the hardest parts of such a parent is that they've already been using you up your whole life but once they have elderly issues they've finally got an official "right" to do so in the eyes of many.

So far I have read nothing but negative outcomes and the hurdles these poor women went thru, due to the NB in their mothers. Damn! I only wish I had been informed 50 years ago too, this way I could have cut her out of my life. Now she is old and yes, I have a warm and fuzzy feeling towards my mother, even though she is mean as they can get.

emjo, my mother has never been diagnosed but fits many of the traits of a narcissist. My brother, her golden child, even said to me a few years back. "The problem with you is that you try to have a relationship with her". My husband had said the exact same thing also. So, I guess that pretty much tells you where our situation stands.

I have read alot of books and have no doubt both my parents were narcissistic. And Mom's Dad was and Dad's Mom. So genes could play a part. I worry about what harm I have done my girls. my husband tells me he has never seen a selfish bone in my body, however, I have been negative many times. That is what I learned early on. But I have made great efforts to change the negativity.

My twins have problems with anxiety. They are at the age when they are finding husbands, have stressful jobs, moves, life changes. However, I can't help but worry I did or said something to cause some of this.

I wish children came with an instruction book. So we would not make the saem mistakes our parents did. I see mistakes my brother is making with his only son. My brother is a bit narcissist himself. He brags about his job, his new house, money, etc. But his poor son, who just turned 29, is college educated, employed, but has never lived outside his parents home. They look at themselves as a unit of three. My brother won't allow and underminds his independence. Just like my Dad did. Sad

And my brother's narcissism will play a significant role if we have to care for my mother who is independent at the moment. He is "in charge" of everything and as he told me, "that is the way she wants it".

I am so sick of narcissist people. And I read and hear it is getting worse. That the younger generation is very narcissistic. God help us. Who can stand these people?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is classified as a mental illness , along with the other personality disorders. However, narcissism exists in varying degrees, and may be just a personality trait. Most of us have some narcissism in us, and that is healthy - promoting us to care for self. When it is severe enough, it will affect relationships,

Here is a list of traits that exists in unhealthy narcissism by Thomas, D , author of Narcissism: Behind the Mask (2010)
Thomas suggests that narcissists typically display most, and sometimes all, of the following traits:[5]
An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
A lack of psychological awareness
Difficulty with empathy
Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)
Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)
Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
Haughty body language
Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
Pretending to be more important than they really are
Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
Denial of remorse and gratitudude

My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder along with narcissism. They often go together. I can see most of the above in her. I believe the older theory is that it develops due to ihadequate parenting/bad childhood experiences, but it is now believed to, in some cases, have a genetic basis. I am convinced in my mother's case it is genetic, as there were several people in her family with it. My daughter also shows some of those traits, as does my sister. Mother's siblings were all the nicest people in the world, and told me she had been difficult all along.

These conditions may be treatable to a degree, but not curable. They are only treatable if the individual acknowledges they have problems, seeks therapy, and cooperates. I think a minority do that.

RebeccaLynn - there was a discussion somewhere on this site a while ago, about those who are caregivers being more empathetic than others. I am very empathetic too and, at times, have to not act on it. We have to be careful not to become codependent i.e. put the feelings and interests of others before our own.

To your question, midwest, I have suffered from all the things mentioned by others, and still struggle with some of them. Problems with trusting myself, feeling inadequate, expressing feelings, especially anger, and so on. I have gone for therapy as I needed it thoughout my adult life.

From the website Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents, here are some guidelines for recovery for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents:

Begin working through the grieving process - allow yourself to grieve the parent you never had.
Acknowledge that you've never learned how to properly deal with feelings, and begin to start working through these feelings.
Work toward loving that little child inside you in the ways your Narcissistic Parent never did.
Stop hoping that your Narcissistic Parent will change - he or she will not change.
Remind yourself every day that you need to take care of yourself - those needs for self-care are incredibly important.
Remember - you matter too. A lot.
You do not need to harm yourself or hate yourself. You're a great person, worthy of love and devotion.

One suggestion they make, that I really agree with, is that as your parent ages, "Go through a third party as your Narcissistic Parent ages - do not allow them to rely upon you and you alone as they need care." Psychologist Pauline Boss also recommends going through a third party, and only overseeing the care of a narcissistic parent. She says - be humane, but protect yourself from further harm.

Detaching is such an important part of surviving, a narcissistic parent, and also setting strong boundaries.

I find by reading and learning about the problems, it helps me to cope. Mother was diagnosed only a few years ago. It was a real affirmation for me. I think it is a failure of the medical system that she was not diagnosed earlier. I had informally diagnosed her years ago, and it helped me to cope. A diagnosis early on would have explained why things were as they were, and helped me, and others in the family to cope with her.

Good luck to everyone. It is a tough way to grow up, and they are tough to care for in their older years.

♥ and hugs Joan

My mother's a horrible Narcissist -- you can literally check off every single criteria. Like Midwest, she manipulates my grown sons any way she can, often treating them like they're her personal prostitutes. If they want to get off the phone because they're getting tired of her badmouthing me, she tells them she paid for their time. They're young and poor and she takes advantage of that by using checks to control them or mock their father and me because we don't have all that much money ourselves. She thoroughly cut off one son and accused him of "abusing" her because he told her he didn't want to get involved in any dramas. I can't stand that she does this to my kids and so far I have shown incredible self-control by not responding to her cruel accusations and insults always sent on birthdays and anniversaries the last 3 years. She actually blames me for having been sired by the monster she worshipped for 18 years and who tortured and terrorized me almost daily, often with her consent and sometimes her participation. The gall of her. Another time she told my sons I used to cash out checks she would send us for our anniversaries and not share them with their dad which is a blatant lie. My sons are slowly letting me know that apparently she was badmouthing me even when they were young kids like when she'd tell them I couldn't hold my liquor the day after she got knee-walking drunk and even attacked us all. I'm just ashamed it me over 50 years to realize I'll never win that bitch over and what's messed up is I actually feel guilty because I know there's an element of dementia involved these days. Uggh!

Your right S. NB cannot be cured. They are who they are.
Wishing you all the best as well.
E.

Midwest, I have very little to do with my mother and if you read the stories about how I was brought up, you'll understand more.
My daughter feel the same way about my mother as you do about yours. No NB cannot be cured and neither can the host of other mental disorders that are out there, as of yet, but they can be helped if they so choose. No one can do that for them.
Wishing you and yours the best.
S.

Mamoogins- I asked my relatives/relatives and they said my mother always was like this since she was a child. She enjoyed watching people squirm and she liked to pull pranks that were down right sadistic and yet my mother has a tinge of sympathy for animals and babies, for they can't talk back she says.
My mother was not only verbally abusive but also physical during my childhood. I did not know that was wrong, I thought it was normal, until I got married. My aunts and my Grandmother saw what was happening but they were afraid to rock the boat.
I was very fortunate to have several wonderful women in my life who were there for me.
My mother had a rough life, but so did many others in this world and yet they pulled thru. I had a bad childhood, but I did not repeat the behavior with my children. Although I over compensated by being constantly available to my sons and I showered them with constant praise, to a point my oldest son recently told me, that I did it to much, that it nauseated him. I apologized and told him that it was all due to my own insecurities and I wanted to make sure he knew that what ever he did or accomplished I thought it was great. He kind a smirked and he said he understood because it's apparent that his Grandmother (my mother) was a big influence in my life. By the way, my son's 39 and 35 do not talk to my mother, for obvious reasons. Mostly they don't like it the way she treats me and second, the way she wants to manipulate them. These are grown men and they do not want to communicate with a woman who has no respect for anyone. So you see, this is the result of narcissistic behavior. My mother is a Great grandmother and my son's do not encourage any relationship with her. My mother still does not get it. She thinks the reason my son's don't talk to her is because of money. To the contrary. My mother at this point is all alone, except for a few people in her life. How sad is this? Very! NB can't be changed. If I only would have known years ago. Oh well!
How lucky for you and I that we had women in our lives who showed love and kindness to us. That helped, didn't it? I'm also a step-grandmother and I hope my Grandchildren see me different then my mother.

Perhaps you need to look at her past to understand if there was anything that made her become that way. It can be caused by many different things from the way they were treated to genetics.
I wish you peace and my let you know, I too had a wonderful women in my life as well, my step-grandmother. She taught me so many things tha moved my life in the direction it did. I am most fortunate to have had the opportunity to have her love me and I her.

Rebeccalynn, yes, I have had that thought of seeing other mothers and daughters and wishing I could have had a nice loving relationship with my own mother, not to be ever, but I did have a wonderful mother-in law, she was kind, soft and loving. She lived with me for over 17 years once she became a widow, the last 3 years she had Altzheimers. She was a lovely woman. I was loved.
Mamoogins, narcissistic people are not mentally ill, they are just mean spirited. Nasty to the core.There is no cure for narcissism.

Keep the comments coming, I keep learning that there are many people out there that have suffered under these nasty, mental vampires.

My mother has several mental health diagnoses and one might of thought she was narcissistic in her younger years, but it took years of having her institutionalized until she was diagnosed properly. Her diagnosis is Bipolar ll, rapid cycling with a Histrionic Personality Disorder.
Generally, more men are diagnosed with Narcissism than women. There are no cures for any of the above mentioned diagnoses and can be passed on genetically. They have to seek psychiatric care. I was fortunate that my mother's son got those genes. I suffered the punishment.
It took over 50 years and menopause before I finally broke down and had to see a mental health counselor to deal with my past. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I now know how to deal not only with my own feelings from the past, but also how to deal with my mother.
Before I knew what her diagnosis truly was; I'd of guessed at narcissism, but that was only a small part of a very large picture that it took years to pull it apart to see how all of her pieces were put together.
I, myself suffered from "Humpty Dumpty Syndrome!" I had to allow myself to be completely broken in order to put my own self back together again.
I had the hardest and thickest shell of anyone I'd ever known! I allowed nothing, but nothing to penetrate or break me down. Amazing what happens when your hormones go bonkers!
Due to my mother and her son's inherited illness, I became an advocate for individuals with special needs, all the time allowing a furnace to start smoldering deep inside and never realized it, until I lost all control of my own emotional self.
It took a good 5 years of healing and research to understand. I understand why they did the things they did. I had to totally divorce my mother's son from my life and I deal with her as needed; but at least now I know how to deal with her.
First make certain that you are looking at the correct diagnosis, secondly find help for yourself and third, learn as much as you can about the diagnosis and it's causes.
They hurt you, I know; I felt as though I was doomed, but remember this; no one ever said they wanted to born with a disability and they know not what they do, for they are sick. Just as if you were to ask an entire 1st grade class what they wanted to be when they grew up; I'll bet you not even one of them would say, "I want to be mentally ill or homeless," yet we see it all the time.
Heal yourself and learn how to deal with your relatives; that's the best advice I can give you. You'll be thankful that you did.
Suzanne

Good grief, yes, mother is a narcissist !! And yes I was daddy's little girl so I guess that's why I, and not my older sister, get the brunt of her manipulation and personal assaults. It was always that way as I was growing up. My sister could do no wrong. I , on the other hand , was a "problem child". It's taken me a long time to realize that I wasn't the problem. It was her. She still puts me down all the time, and she relies on the fact that I am a gentle soul and never want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm too empathetic for my own good. To this day, I look at other mother/daughter relationships (even on TV) and feel envious when I see a mother who hugs her daughter and calls them honey and things like that. It's kind of embarrassing to even admit that but it's the truth. What I wouldn't give to hear my mother call me honey....

You are so right about changing "that story".
My recent experience with my mother staying with me for 2 month visit has really opened my eyes. To bad I did not educate myself earlier in my life, that my mother was a narcissist to the core.I would have cut her out of my life when I got married at 23 and tried to heal. But being a daughter of a narcissist makes you come back and hope for the "normal" life.
Thank goodness I had a good man during my married life, he always protected me from her and he was a good listener. But I had remnants from the years of abuse prior to my marriage and when I think about it, my mother continued her abuse until now. Now she is old and worse.
I do know I always had this inner drive to do better and constantly wanting to look better, because no matter what I did, it was never good enough. Sort of "yes, that's nice.....BUT......" I finally figured it out last week. Narcissist don't know how to love. Period.
If you have a good support system and you think you are generally normal, get a grip of yourself and analyze yourself and know that you are ok, it's the narcissistic individual who is not normal, although they can pull it off real well with others who don't know them. They have two faces.

Hey everyone, keep the comments coming.

I had codependent narcissistic parents. I grew up expecting nothing, settling for very little, debilitating low self esteem. I was never smart enough, pretty enough, this enough or that enough. I loved art and wanted to go to college to major in art. My teachers were very encouraging. Mom and Dad, no way. Not sending you to college. So, I told myself I might was well not study since I had no opportunities. So I didn't for a few years. No one notice even though I had been a straight A student.

I always felt unattractive. Dad used to call me "Mousey" when I would come to breakfast in the morning. Nice......I had alot of boyfriends and realize now I was very attractive. I only noticed the negative.

When I married I thought it was an asset to be cheap. That was what I knew. It almost ended my marriage. Today I am fortunate to be married to a good man, and I am able to retire early. But he is still too cheap and I accept never getting gifts or taking vacations. That was what I learned.I don't deserve it.

What I really see now at 60 is all of the anger. I was so angry at my Dad's funeral. Angry that he never even tried to have a relationship with me, angry about his verbal abuse, and sad I didn't love him.

Now I see Mom for who she is and that is hopeless too. i have educated myself enough to know with narcissists you can never have a real loving relationship. So I have distanced myself.

Yes, i would say narcissism has had far too much of an affect on my life. But I have cut ties and things are getting better.

It would be the rare individual who can say, my parent(s) were narcissist and it had no affect on me. You parents are the first people to tell you who you are. Then it is up to you to change that story.

My mothers narcissism caused me low self esteem, insecurity, becoming a people pleaser, codependent on men. BUT...now that my father is gone shes different and treats me like a human being. The things that she would say. Argh. Were you a daddy's girl? Often that alone will trigger plain nastiness.