Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

Nothing positive has come from my demanding self absorbed mum. Except maybe the fact that I dont want her in my life while she is like this. She has grand memeories of being a wonderful mum, my memories however are entirely different, financially she fed and dressed us but the rest was all negative, reared in a abusive home, molested and beaten and she says she knew nothing of it. She is NEVER WRONG spends money like its free flowing, and accuses us of taking it from her, my brother and I have provided homes for her for the past 20 years and she thinks she deserves it. The result on me personally is I wish I coild kill myself to get away from her. Until I read this column I never thought anyone else had this problem. Thank goodness I can vent. Thanks for listening

Ditto here Jessie... It breaks my heart sometimes to say "No... Can't do it any more... ask your sons to come and take you..." (without feeling the guilt attached)... But, the bottom line is... We're not miracle workers and the 'sons, etc. are their children also... As we get older and realism sets in... you just have to say "No". We're not responsible for,their happiness.

One thing with my mother is I know she is not mentally well. There is so much going on with her that I have walls up all around me. I look at her and wonder how she could do the things she does and think it's alright. Then I realize that she doesn't see anything outside herself, so that whatever it takes to gratify herself is right.

Today after we got home from church she said that she and I ought to go down to Florida. She'd love to just sit on the balcony and watch the waves rolling in. Hmm... you want me to drive 6-8 hours to the beach -- no wait, longer, since we'd have to stop every few minutes for 20-min bathroom trips -- so you can watch waves roll in. I didn't say that, but I told her she would have to get my brother to take her. It was the last thing in the world I wanted to do.

I can't even talk her into going into the front yard. The beach trip sounded like a lot of work for me for no good reason. The trip would be awful. I can't give anymore. She'll have to ask one of my brothers -- something she won't do.

Oh yes Jessie Belle. I think its a form of slavery you get mentally whipped into place and Heart it is so amazing how they can hide it so well. I get this from my mother and sister. And when they forget to put a cover on it they acutally look ridiculous. I just dont understand why Im just seeing it for what it was before now. I got used real good by them both. Would give and gave my all to keep them happy. Now I feel stupid. I trust my own judgement and then I dont. Thats why I have to stay in prayer and just try and focous on my health and my own life what's left of it and let them have at it.

My mother and my golden younger sister have acted like mean girls bullies to me since sis was a kid. Complaining about me (and me getting slammed from both sides), ostracism, smear campaign, scapegoating, etc. My mother has lied to me about family occasions to make sure I wasn't there, because my sister didn't want me there. (What kind of a parent lets one child cut another child out of the family?) Yet she would scream at me, for days, to do things for my sister (when both of us were adults, we weren't kids.) My mother has referred to my sister as "her daughter" when she talks to me. (What does that make me? Oh yeah the hired help.) Sis is still doing the "I'm telling mom" thing. She's in her 40s, mom is in her 80s, aren't we too old for this? (I think sis is also a narc, and an alcoholic. Mom's an enabler.) Now they expect me to be the one to take care of mom. They treat me like an employee. They have a lot of nerve, considering the decades of bad treatment. But I guess they think they can continue to treat me the way they always have and I'm not supposed to object. It's like having someone hang onto you with one hand and punching you with the other.

I've had a lifetime of my mother's chronic lying, manipulation, gaslighting, passive aggressive, mind games and throwing me under the bus. And literally breathing down my neck. (I had somewhat of a break since I got married and we lived over an hour from her. But now, she's moved near us. Big mistake.) Her favorites lines are: I never said that/that never happened. But I'm the only one she expects to help her. (I have three siblings)

When I was growing up, she was verbally and physically abusive. (which she denied) The beating she gave me when I was 13 was so bad I had a nervous breakdown and I ended up with severe depression, panic disorder, agoraphobia, IBS. I've been struggling with these things throughout my life. Now that I'm expected to help her, spend a lot of time with her and she's moved near me, and the bad treatment I've been getting from my siblings, those problems have kicked in again.

Telling my mother no, stop, and leave me alone didn't work when I was growing up, and it doesn't work now. She won't take no for an answer. Tunes me out. She'll hound me about the same damn thing for weeks. I think I have PTSD from her phone calls and messages. Funny, when I told her that what she was expecting of me was too much, she bit my head off: "Well, you could've said no!" (thereby throwing it back on me, it's my problem) But I have said no to her, many times.

I'll stop here. There's so much more.
I've been reading through the old posts -- hugs to all of you.

DDDuck, There is no reason why you were slapped. It was not you.
Serious abuse happens to children, even in public. It breaks my heart to see this happen, but I am sure it was not you, because children should not be treated this way. So sorry this happened to you.
You may need to be held and hugged way into your own old age to get over it.
Sending hugs, so many hugs. Cyber hugs.

DDDuck, I read what you wrote and thought about gaslighting. It is my mother's main thing. I've gone through gaslighting since I was a child. It makes you feel crazy, because what you know is right is said to be a lie. I personally think it is one of the most damaging forms of child and adult abuse because it is done to frustrate and make them doubt their own perceptions. It's a very good way to do anything you want, then deny it ever happened.

It's so interesting hearing the different perspectives of narcissistic 'knowing' behavior. When you're enmeshed in it (and, they hide it all so well from others)... It's a very hurtful thing to go through by yourself... I so,often wonder if my mother and brother get some sadistic gratification out of it... Or, it's some kind of counterbalance to their subconscious maladies... I just can't fathom living inside a narcissists mind to do this to people, especially those close to them... And, generally, the ones that care and love them the most (because, they know/think they can get 'away' with it). Perhaps narcissism should be treated as a disease. I feel badly for those of us that have had to deal with it...

Dang, Heart, I would like to believe that they dont know what they are doing. But I beleive that somewhere inside those pretty little head there is an inkling of an idea of what they are doing and their motives. I think they just cant stand to look at themselves so they project ugly on their victim and that justifies their ugly evil. It is amazing and frustrating when I look at my mother. I often think she is possessed because she will act as if I am the biggest liar when I bring up her deeds. The same MOA I have seem from a child. I am sure she knows what she was doing. Hell once we were walking shopping when I was about 6 or7. She is a fast walker so we all walk fast now. So we are speeding down street and she just slapped me. I had no idea why. Maybe I have it too and said or did something??? Only thing i dont get a lot of stories about some ugliness I did. So I think subconsciously they know exactly what they are doing. I wouldnt want to see my self either if I constantly did .,/, that my mother does and do. Thats why I get so riled up when she does her thing because its a viscious circle. You do any nasty evil thing you want to me and write (right) it off by making me the biggest lying craziest fool in the world. So I think I would go crazy or would be crazy if I figured it out. My code name was dumb dora.

In my family it is the golden child that turned into a narcissist and spoiled her daughter rotten thus creating another narcissist. I think everybody has narcissistic tendencies but I think it is the lack of empathy that really defines it.

I just had an interesting thought (since I've read that narcissists don't know what they are doing). I wonder if anyone on this site would admit to having narcissistic tendencies and if so, if they personally could shed some light on how it feels to be a narcissist (I know this is a long shot) and how it feels to 'hurt' people.

Brandy did you spoil your daughter? I mean rotten. My experience with the narcs in my immediate family is that they are spoiled rotten. My mother was, I heard strories about how her grandmother spoiled her, then she married my father and she never had to do anything especially after I got old enough to to laundry and dishes which started out fun for me. My sister was spoiled rotten by my parents. If she didnt want to wash dishes walk the dog, whatever gues who did it me. If I was on a bike and she wanted to ride guess who got off the bike. My father used to hit the dresser if she was supposed to be getting that rare beating. Imageine the kind of power that gives a child in their poor little head. Same with my aunt my mother's baby sister. The middle aunt who is deceased is the one who did the cleaning cooking washing and so forth. They dont learn to think of anyone else and feel entitled. Its all about them and what they want, Guess what they all get along too. Just one observation amongst many. I wish there was a written code or something to just keep them in check.. or something you could sprinkle on them.

Good topic, except for me it is the other way around. My daughter has narcissistic personality disorder. She thinks the world revolves around her. She thinks she is entitled to all that's good.

Continuing from four sisters. Our brother is quite the natcissist, a bully who criticizes and tries to intimidate others Especially his sisters.

Our mothers attitude toward us has effected each of us four sisters in different ways. One became a social worker and is pretty calm and caring. She does carry quite a bit of excess body weight. The other three of us have varying degrees of low self esteem and tendency to try to please others too much, especially our Mom. We all take varying dosages of anti depressants and three have varying degrees of anxiety.

Thank you Caregivingnyc and DDuck for your messages. Having this forum gives me strength. Yes, I mourn the childhood I never had and I grieve the mother and sister that I will never have but I thing I am a good mom and that gives me strength. I will no longer take the abuse and bullying from that and they know it. They are cowards and have backed down but the meanness stings. They would not treat there worst enemy like that and all I have done is be myself. Yes, I guess it is jealousy. Remember "When someone is cruel or acts like a bully, you don't stoop to their level. No, our motto is, when they go low, we go high"~Michelle Obama

I don't think that these mothers fool everyone. I know that some of my friends and a cousin of mine saw through my mother's "sweetness" and could see how hard she was on me. But, she does fool a lot of people. I used to imitate her harsh behavior at times because I was used to it, but I have also always rooted for the underdog and am very sensitive to detecting abuse of children or animals because I know how helpless they are.
I had tried for years to figure out what beyond the general dysfunction of my family was making my life difficult and was thankful for the day (after decades of seeking the answer) when I realized the my mother and my sister were both self-centered, toxic, people who put on a great "sweet act" that quickly fell apart when you looked beneath the surface.

Annie, being able to express my pain and confusion really grounds me. In ways I do feel liberated. I get help and encouragement reading and chewing on the insight here. It also feels good to vent. Since finding this site I have decreased the amount of crying and complaining to one or two friends. Partly knowing it can be overwhelming but also because its a weakness and it seems on natural that people use it when they can. I was told at a young age to never show your weakness. I also find that I either dont speak up for myself or I go to the opposite extreme. I am tired of finding myself in the company of people whom I have to calm my spirit on basic stuff. So thanks to you all for being there and hearing me. Im with you all also.

Hello all,
These answers are all so understanding of ourselves and though we all wonder whether we have that special quality........I truly believe that we have it.
ICan we, bruised, battered ripped torn and suffering...damaged in some cases. Are WE good mothers.
And yes we can. I truly truly believe that as long as we do it, one day and accept that we are not perfect , thats all that matters..........
I so loved reading these messages....DDDuck, you aren't babbling keep on writing.I love how you think. Remember what Kimmee writes:
"The fact that you've identified the problem liberates you."

So clever. I believe that too.

Kimmee and Linda the good thing that comes from a narcissistic mother is that I am very loving and giving and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. What you suspect Kimmee is true. We want to give our children the best and better than we had. I would never inflict the pain that I have received from my mother and sister. I never backed down from them neither but its a painful fight to agrue with them. Its useless. You never get closure. there is no understanding or openness. No matter what the deed you are on trial for if you are innocent and they want you guilty then you are guilty. Period. I survived this thru my faith and trust in God. I had to turn somewhere as a young child. Its the best thing I did in my life besides my son.

So yes, we end up tainted. Very much so. But we learn the importance of unconditional love and respect. The true meaning of love.

I loved my son as best I knew. I always treated him with respect and made myself reachable to him. I was not the perfect mother as I had these issues before he was born and I did not figure it out untill my forties. Or see or accept it for what it was. I still can't fanthom what goes on in their heads with me. Its like a jealous evil demon is in them. I wasted a lot of love and trust and hope and energy and life on them. Had I known better I would have put it all in my own home for myself and myson.

So many good intentions get turned into something monstrous and ugly. It still does. Even my mother in her old age cannot help herself. Its demonic in nature. I still get amazed. Regularly. So thank goodness I happened on this site and got insight and understanding.

I am still needy. I get very bitter when I look at my life and when I see my mother in her mode posturing and manipulating I want to cry for the little girl who was me. What ever mechanism I used to cope then is falling apart for me. Part was religion but I cant turn the other cheek anymore and I think its so unfair that people can just carry on with this bad thinking. Taking the ball and running just running with it because they think they have something or need to have something against you.

But one good thing is that I was bless with a beautiful son. Yes I raised him looking like I was alright. And of course he was around people who didt care about me. And he had a lot of pain because in trying to hurt me they tried to turn him against me. so those natural fights were made into again some monstrous ugly thing. I stood my ground. Not knowing then what was happening. But my son loved me because that's what he got from me. He turned out to be continuous blessing to me in the mist of all my storms and pain. He is a good father and good husband. Guess what though, I see him in same role i saw my father. He does every thing. Its like he holds the family down they have everything and he comes home and cook and clean.. I wont voice the other and I think that has gotten a little better. Or it seems so.But I just wonder if good people in heart attract narccistic people. Oh of course. Is it a curse? Am I babbling!!

kimmee, you have a very good chance of being a terrific, empathetic mom because of this experience. It makes you respect your kids as autonomous people, you listen more and you take every opportunity to give unconditional love. You will be proud of their achievements, not envious and competitive. In a word, you will "anti-mother".

I know I'm about 3 years late to this forum but here's my two cents.

The fact that you've identified the problem liberates you.

We can't help but be similar, in ways, to those who raised us. But, we don't have to cave to those unhealthy behaviors and we can recognize and apologize when/if we do.

I'm hoping that because of my narcissistic mom I'm actually a much more empathetic person than most. Here I am, second guessing myself and feeling that reality is nothing but a gray murky mush because of the way I was raised but I feel this whole awful experience has humbled me in a way that some may never experience.

I don't know if I'll be a good mom but if I ever get that chance I'm going to try my hardest to just listen and not pass too much judgment.

There is no absolute truth. We are all groping in the dark for a sense for warmth and acceptance. If I can make my (someday) children feel accepted for who they are, provide a consistent loving environment, spur they're imagination, encourage them when they're in doubt and keep them fed, I think that's the best I or anyone else can do.

If I hear one more time how "wonderful" mother is and have to stand there and smile while I am dying inside because I KNOW the truth about her, I really believe I will just burst into flames.Others just see a stooped over little old lady but I see the DRAGON.

Maybe someone should write a book on sweet mothers with fangs. They're the kind that look sweet to everyone else, but put the fangs in place for one or more of their children. I think these type mothers are the most toxic.

I want to share a book I came across called 'Mean Mothers' by Peg Streep...

Dear DD, what you described is exactly what I am going through with my mother and sister. I was (and still am) in a vulnerable situation and they took advantage to bully me and make me feel less than nothing. My mother even said I could be homeless and my sister accused me of ruining Christmas when it was my mother not talking to me and threatening to throw me out. Finally I have moved on with my life and I consider them like anybody else but not family. You will never get an apology but the best revenge is being happy and thriving. That will drive them crazy. It is really sad but at least I can understand it better and realize that I'm not crazy.

You are so right. Thanks for the reminder and encouragement. It does feel better when I know that I have done and do out of goodness of my heart and for goodness. I use to say that to myself thats how bad it has gotten that I have forgotten that. Kinda puts me back on track. I am so glad to have found this site. I really look forward to getting on site. This is a good thing.

Hi DD!... I'm so happy that this article hit home for you as it did for many of us. I (and so many) can mirror your situation and feelings... Finding out that there are more of 'us' in this same situation, helps us to not feel alone and know that we are ok, but that we live in disfunctional families and when there's narcissism involved it's no wonder it does such a 'number' on us. No one should ever put anyone through what we are and have been going through (many of us through our whole lifetime!)... It it torture and mean... Sadly, we have to mentally and physically move on with our lives realizing that we are all individuals and that we can't change people for who they are. I know... I know how heartbreaking it is... I'm going through this also... Breaks my heart, but for my sake, I'll keep connecting here and there trying to break this toxic pattern and know I did everything I did out of the goodness of my heart.... And, call it good.

Heart2Heart that article was very informing. Again I am helped. I never knew or understood about narcissim. It is still so very hard to phanthom, but getting more and more info like your article and the gaslighting info from jessebell and this awesome very old post that put it in a nut shell; all these help me in ways I cannot express. I am still processing and it pains me to see my sister and mother together because its always them against me. I have stopped speaking to my sister because of personal betrayals outside of my mother. It is always my fault and like it has been written my mother has lied on me so much that my sister hates me and has now like my mother convinced her boys whom I raised to feel the same. They are falling out of it now but the pain of rejection and dedicating my every breath to keep us a family and happy. I have covered all the dirt and inabilities of my mother and sister lessened their burdens tried to make everything right and good. I have no one to do that for me. and now all my insuficiencies get thrown in my face or used to degrade me. There are times I can laugh and see it for what it is. Then there are times it hurts like hell. Its like I have known the truth and just did everything I could to make that fairytale family. And now I don't know what I did for blinders but I cant pull it off anymore and its painful. I get angry at the nerve to feel entitiled to do such ugliness in heart and spirit. Then I feel guilty for feeling good when I know I have naturally rattled them because someone gives me love or approval or I feel good and not thinking about them and only noticed because I feel or notice a pause. Is there every any recovery from years of this kind of treatment. Out side I feel guilty or accused if someone loses or misplace anything or if something happens and it has nothing to do with me and this is professionally. Then I can be a bomb like threat to someone who comes to me presenting me with that same treatment. I may see it and feel like ignore it there is no point which is not good with those people or I can just blow up which is not good . Its hard to see when you giving people power over you. I will just be glad if I can find the security to get away from it all. I mean I love my mother to death but as she gets older I am burnt out from cattering and being the mother to her child and covering her insuficiencies while she called me trifiliing and stupid so I didnt see through it all. Whats bad is she still does it and yes I call her out on it always did. It didnt matter then she had dementia its getting worse so its really like talking to a wall if I argue. So I gues its my destiny to be abused. It wouldnt be so bad if i could get some type of I am sorry or acknowledge me or even I love you. with my mother it would mean the world. I hate to say but with my sister I am done. I can never trust her or let her in again. I see who she is and it is a different level from my mother. I have a lot of bitterness from growing up having to do everything every chore she refused and then to do anything she felt like doing to me knowing she would get away and Id be fussed at when I get caught choking her. I see there was no growth in her at all and I think I would really hurt her if she goes there now. So everyday ugly seethes in my house. We cant even come together to care for my mother becuase she has sown us so far a part. A person like her is dangerous especially around fools. So the input and aspect I read here help me deal with my crazy.

Also may be part of how they were raised. But that is not an excuse for us to accept their criticism and in effect bully us.True cannot change a person's behavior, especilaly in their elderly years. But a sib did calmly comment on an incident and Mom did state "I did not realize that". Mom does not have dementia so she can understandwhen we say I won't accept that certain behavior. Even with dad with dementia, we may say " Dad be nice." or "Talk, don't yell at me".