Two days ago my husband brought his father to “visit” us for a few weeks. FIL has dementia and lives in another state. Was released from rehab. Son with POA who lives there does not want to care for him. He gave DH POA for medical only and it is dual POA. I knew this was planned but DH denied it and didn’t tell me that he was coming. He went to his dad’s to “assess the situation” and called me from there to tell me that he was bringing him here. DH works full time.
We we met with an elder attorney and DH didn’t do anything she said. She said she never recommended dual POA. I asked what if FIL came here and then BIL wouldn’t take him back. She said that would be a very bad situation. DH left the meeting, came straight home and went to his dad’s and brought him here.
DH fell and broke a bone that requires surgery. BIL is refusing to come get him. We don’t have financial POA. DH won’t stand up to the brother. Our son is here going off on me because I say his dad needs to leave. Even DH says his brother needs to come get him. Even if he says that to his brother, he can’t make him.
What do we do? My stress level is off the charts. No one seems to think this is a big deal. Since FIL has been here, every second has been spent helping him. The bathrooms were messy. He’s taken over the whole house. DH needs calm and quiet. It was a serious injury. What do we do? DH admits he needs to be in assisted living or nursing home. BIL wants money for “inheritance”.
You have always been easy going. Pretty much went with the flow because that is who you are. Then FIL came into the picture and you stated that you wouldn't take him. Everyone thought, oh she will come around once he is here. Now ur a Bitch for standing up for urself. If you had been one since u married, no one would have even expected you to take him. Been there.
I don't think you have to worry about an inheritance. BIL has probably already spent it. You need to call him, even if it means him barating you. Tel, him Dad needs to be put in an AL for now. You cannot take care of two Men. He needs to do this because he holds the purse strings. Push for AL. When he is over screaming about that, then say, then I need an aide. I cannot do it all.
If FIL could change the POA medical, he can change the financial by assigning you or DH. Then you are in charge of his finances and can see where the money is or went. If BIL used the money for himself, he can be brought up on charges.
In the end, you may need a lawyer. At least to send a letter to the BIL and ask for an accounting. Then informing him as POA he needs to find a place for Dad.
I am powerless to any of the rest. Husb wouldn’t back me up and then brother would be more empowered and laughing. I basically give up. I can’t fight all these people. I just have to take care of me. I don’t even want to know what’s going on now. It only upsets me, no way of knowing what the truth is. I’ve been told at least 4 stories that I can remember. When the story keeps changing someone is lying. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. Thank you for your support.
That is NOT an accusation; I was there about 20 years ago. I found that having a lawyer who could say the stuff that I wanted to say (I raised your kids, kept your house, stood by you while you f#%*ed around) made all the difference.
In most states, you will be awarded a good deal of his retirement accounts and pension. Please pursue this.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It’s a shame it comes to this with family. Each individual has his or her own limits and it should be respected. There is no one answer to these situations but you get someone trying to push what they want and you can’t work with them. Walk away is all you can do.
No matter what you do, your gonna come off as the bad guy. So too bad. Its 3 against one. As usual men think the female should do the caretaking bc its no big deal(to them). But it is a huge stressful deal for 1 person. Of course BIL is all for it. Doesnt have to shell out a dime, or lift a finger.
But self preservation is a must. If it were me, Id tell DH he brought FIL in, he takes care of all his needs. PERIOD! He never asked if you were on board. Never let you in on the fact that it is gonna be permanent. Didnt even consult you. Leave the house a mess. Stop everything. No dishes, no bathrooms, no cleaning, no rescuing, nothing. Dont do it. Put it back in husbands lap. He made all the decisions, now he gets the repercussions from those decisions. He needs to pick up the slack and see how stressful full time caregiving is. He needs to hire people. Better get on that asap. Dont you do it. Let son know he can do it too. Give him 2 days were he is the sole caretaker. No help. It will be an eye opener for him. Easy for son to yell at you. He can come and go at leisure. Hes not responsible for a thing. Tell him he cant go see friends/go out. School and then home. Hes gotta pitch in. See how long that works. Ha!
Id call the eldercare in your town and see what ideas they can offer you. It might only be a little while till FIL needs an ambulance to go back to hospital. Then you can refuse to take him back. That will force BIL to go find a facility for his dad. They will contact him bc hes POA. You cant be POA and have no responsibility. It doesnt work like that. The half medical POA is a joke. BIL can override that any time he wants. He has upper hand. Husb has no power at all. Only the appearance of power/imput.
This is what I would do. Hard situations require hardball. Worse case scenario pack a bag and spend a few days away. Go to a friend/relatives house. Get a motel. If husb calls, you cant handle the bedlam, your not having a heart attack over this, your done. Then hang up. Unfort he has to experience it first hand to appriciate the mess. Men are thick that way. Yes it will stink doing that, and you will feel guilty. Dont give in! It will only take a few days for husb/son to see how hard it is.
You have to let it get worse b4 it gets better. If you cont to handle everything, hus/son/bil arent put out by the problem. Only you are. Nothing will change. Your husb forced the issue now its your turn.
Dont worry, your husb wont pick dad over you. Never gonna happen. He'll go crazy within a few hrs, and beg you to come home. Just stay tough for a few days. I think it might be 2 days b4 it sinks into his thick skull.
As for people saying get a lawyer, I dont think its to that point at all. Just a big hiccup in the road. I really think your husband had no idea what he was getting the family into. He just saw his dad was in trouble and rescued him. I think that is all the further he rhought about it. He doesnt have experience with dementia, and didnt think it would effect family that bad. Its not like a house guest who is on best behavior. Dementia is whole new ball game. I really think he saw 1 problem and tried to fix it. I think if you play hardball a few days, he'll realize dad and his dementia are too much to handle. Let us know how it goes.
I do believe he will let me leave. If so then what am I leaving? Crazy town apparently. Even if this works out for the best, I will still have to deal with feeling betrayed and trust broken. Issues he won’t see as important.
Yes! But how do you start? You need to make a plan. Write your thoughts down. Come up with a couple of different scenarios. Write down the various suggestions that have been made here, and start to prioritize them.
Enlist one of your friends to help you with your planning.
I do urge you to see a lawyer, for the MAIN PURPOSE of truly learning that you have rights and you have resources.
I'm sure all this sounds so monumental that you're convinced you can't do it. But you can. One step at a time. Start.
And remember, do not say a word to any in your family.
I’m glad that this site is giving you a place to vent and some emotional support, but you need more. Please try to find it – a lawyer or a domestic abuse support hotline, or anything else you can think of. Neither commits you to leaving, but it is a deeper support than you can find here. A private talk with your SIL might be a disaster, but then it might be a game changer. So might a private talk with FIL - don't think you can protect him from knowing that moving him in is a big problem, even though it's not his fault.
Lots of love and concern, Margaret
For those who offered support, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the kindness you showed me.
Tell Social Worker at the hospital if this gentleman is still hospitalized that you cannot either physically or emotionally care for him in your home. Refuse to take him home and give them the phone number to call. Then turn off your phone. Seriously, a dual POA is a nightmare. No one can agree what to do. Where does that leave anyone. I would not be acting as any kind of power of attorney in this situation, and I would have other family members deal with it themselves and I would have secure locks on my doors. This is a mess that will not be solved any other way but your giving up your own life to your Father-in-Law. It is time that you and your husband met with a licensed social worker who deals with family end of life situations, and that you inform your husband you are neither willing nor able to take over the care of your father-in-law.
If this doesn't work, I don't have any other idea than your having to leave your husband and father-in-law together alone until he realizes he cannot care for him, and has him placed in care.
You do not have to take on the role of the B from hell as you call it. Gently explain to everyone involved that you wish you were more a saint than you are, and that you are very very sorry, but that you are not up to caring for an elder in your home. And placement must be sought. Remember that your home is partially yours. If your husband is willing to destroy his marriage to take on care of his father, then the home will perhaps need to be sold with assets divided so that you can each afford your own place. So sorry. When the spouses are on different pages it makes it all a nightmare. Try to slow down and explain carefully over and over to all involved that you are sorry, but you are not up to this. No argument. Just "Sorry, I am not up to taking care of him in my home". Your husband already knew this. That's why he didn't ask.
He is more afraid of "looking bad" and making his brother angry than he is interested in finding a solution, negotiating and accommodating the needs of his long time life-partner.
You ask questions and you get no answers, or you get lies from this pack of grifters. They want something for nothing--care from you without having to pay anything.
I'm sorry if this sounds hard and cold, but the way life works these days, most of us need two incomes to get by. Most of us are not interested in doing incontinence care for folks we're not related to, at least not when there are other alternatives at hand.
See a lawyer to find out what your rights to property and income are; this is very state specific and if you leave first, you might be giving up some of your rights.
In most places, you are entitled to half of the assets, including the house. (Don't take the house in lieu of cash; it's almost ALWAYS a bad deal).
It sounds as though you are used to being taken care of and not "doing" for yourself. You would benefit from seeing a therapist and finding your inner strength; I guarantee you that it is there.
You obviously have some food for thought and you have been dealt a crummy hand by your wimpy husband and his manipulative family. I don't think you can get out before you get burned out, to much going on for that to happen.
Stay strong and keep taking care of you.
Is husband home from surgery and enjoying no care because you are busy with his dad? Good way to show him that you can only do so much and things are to much.
But please know that I and I am sure lots of us here understand that you are in a tough situation and you need to do what you need to do. Walking out isn't always easy or the best idea. Careful planning and preparation are often the most successful. Look to your future with the information you now possess, no trust is usually the death of a marriage, but it can be done in a way that protects you and secures your future.
Rooting for you! HUGS!
Because you should be able to stay in your own home, and this may not need to lead to divorce, no one knows yet.
Not suggesting you delay getting help, and you should have your own money.
However,
1) Install a lock (cheap, inside slide lock) on bedroom door.
2) Go in there whenever you don't want to caregive anyone.
3) If anyone comes to the door, yells for you to come out, pounds on the door, makes demands (while you stay quiet), call 911, let them hear it, they will come, and take whoever away. I doubt that is going to happen to you, but a retreat in your own home, sound ok?
So sorry that you are being treated poorly.
The sons need to figure this out. Find a board and care for the dad, near one of the sons' homes. Nursing facility or a private home like environment.
His wife heard me and hired someone to help out during their month-long visit. I’m so relieved, b/c I know he would have ignored my assertions. It would mean dealing with how serious my dad’s situation is and also any guilt he has for not being here. Family dynamics being what they are, I expected to be ignored, and I already had resentments simmering about the whole visit. Imagine my surprise today when I learn my SIL understood and was able to sort a solution!
Please, find an ally in your family. Someone who can communicate how dire the situation has become. If you can’t, you need to find your voice, take a stand and confirm to them what is at stake for you. You may need to leave your marriage if they keep taking advantage - nobody could blame you when you’ve given them fair warning of your limitations. Please, stress to them that this will not do. Solutions exist. Stand your ground. You matter.
You say you're in an environment where everyone (who is "everyone"?) tells you you're in the wrong - which makes me gnash my teeth for you. But, ok, let's go with that. Here is the situation. This is what the situation requires of you. [ON WHAT F***ING PLANET] - Is that reasonable?
Some people, in my own experience, make themselves quite fantastically unpleasant if they are even questioned, let alone challenged. Is your BIL one of them? Is that why DH is so lamentably incapable of engaging him in a rational and constructive discussion?
This family is not even considering that some people actually adjust to and may even thrive in AL. They make friends and enjoy activities. The latest is BIL says it will “kill dad” to put him somewhere. Ok, move him in with you.
I truly feel like walking away from the whole family. Not easy to do. No one can help them. I am worn out from stress alone.
Older or younger than your DH?
But I asked about what DH says to *you*. What does he say to you about Dad's needs, and the role he expects you to play in meeting them?