My mother and I used to be incredibly close. But since my father died, just a month ago, it seems like I've been the all-around scapegoat. I have no idea why. I've been a "good daughter". I called every day, visited regularly, and so on. I don't know that she has anything to blame me for. I understand that she is grieving, but so am I. Talking to her (I continue to call every day) has become a burden. She's always snapping at me. Our relationship has changed, entirely for the worse. I've tried to talk to her about it, but my addressing her mistreatment of me seems to be more evidence of my awfulness. It's getting difficult for me to deal with. She doesn't have much of a support system (or rather, it's likely that she won't take advantage of it). I'm one of the only people she talks to regularly. She's been much kinder to my sister (oddly, given that my sister was much less helpful / present for my family, in the years before my father died). Should I just stop calling her as much? I just feel very alone.
Is it possible that your mother is experiencing your calls as intrusive, rather than supportive?
Whatever is going on, she is pushing you away right now. Ease up and take care of YOU.
You say your mother is isolated. My mom was the same way (self-imposed isolation) and she depended on my dad for everything. She controlled him to the max and refused to do anything herself. Was that your mom and dad's situation?
When he died that control switched to me and our relationship was never the same. All of the sudden, I was responsible for her happiness or lack there of. It was very difficult.
Your mother is experiencing the stages of grief, which are not an orderly process. Anger is very much a part of grieving. You are on the receiving end of your mother's anger that your dad has died and left her alone because you keep close by calling every day.
You cannot replace her husband, her companion, her mate, and so step back and call less often - maybe once or twice a week. You both need to find a new normal now that your father is gone.
That she thanks you for calling is her being polite. I always thank people for calling because that's how I was raised to end a conversation. Try to not take her snapping personally. Stepping back and giving your mother some space will benefit both of you. And, in all likelihood, she will start reaching out to you when she's ready to resume that part of her life. Recognize that right now she isn't focused on being your mother; she is focusing on being a widow.
This is such a personal time for you both. Our Dad died the middle of February. The 4 of us 'kids' were somewhat prepared as we had watched his decline. However, for Mom, who still saw him has he was 30 years ago, could not figure out why he would have to die and leave her behind. Mom has dementia, as did Dad, but she grieves just the same. the above answers are so very good!! It is about HER... I don't know how old your Mom is, but if she depended on your Dad, like mine did, The Loss is Severe. Just give her time and lots of hugs, or whatever is comfy for you both!! And be ever so good to yourself, so that you are able to help her when she is ready!! And for heavens' sake, don't feel guilty. Time is a great healer, let it work!! For both of you!! Prayers and Hugs to you both!
One month is not a long time to process such a loss.
I can't speak for your mom or her behavior toward you, but here is my experience for what it's worth. I am a widow, it's been only eight months, and nothing is the same, especially myself and how I relate to others - everything seems unfamiliar. Sometimes I am lonely but no one can fix that for me, and sometimes I have to be alone just to deal with an overwhelming exhaustion.
Losing a parent is a difficult transition, I still miss my parents. Losing one's spouse is a very different experience. Please be gentle with your mother. It is not reasonable, in my opinion, for you to expect your conversations with her to be the same as before your father died. My guess she is not 'mistreating' you; she is trying to cope with what has happened to her.
Consider checking in with her often and simply asking her if there is anything you can do, bring her a meal, drive her to whatever appointments are required of her as she deals with her new status, no longer married but now a widow.
It is not about you.
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