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Thanks Cattails. Not sure if this is my last post. https://www.agingcare.com/153840 - but things are sort of OK here for now.

We were, for reasons I won't go into, unable to place my MIL in Assisted Living. Her two other sons still won't help in any way. We had some tough times recently and I left for a short while - had a couple weeks of R&R in AZ - long enough to get my bearings, collect my wits and let me BP stabilize a bit.

Made some tough decisions about how things would be after I came back home and for a short while actually thought that I could pretty well 'resign' from my care giving job - but due to recent Medicare cuts in services - I am still the IT GIRL. She no longer qualifies for Home Health and cannot afford self pay.

Although I do my care giving 'from a distance' now. I clean when she isn't home. I arrange for the Senior Van to pick her up for the foot doctor appointment and friends meet her there and escort her in/out. Hubby takes her to her other doctor appointments - inconvenient - but necessary.

I still do what I always did - but my hubby is the go-between (bless him). He checks on her a.m. and p.m. She gets meals on wheels M-F and I prepare breakfast and dinner several times a week and he takes the food over to her.

I will no longer have one on one contact with her. She is in complete denial and vilifies me at every opportunity - to anyone who comes by or calls her. She writes unkind things in letters. My DIL told me she got a 'strange note from grandma.'

Of course, she blames me for this separation. Kept telling people she was waiting for it to 'blow over' and for me to 'get over IT.' That isn't going to happen. This is the only way I can continue to be her care giver. I will be kind to her but I will not get 'sick' for her.

Right now she is able to care for her personal needs and shower herself. Not sure what we will do if her health circumstances change - and of course, they will. She has some sort of 'crisis' every few months. We will deal with that when the time comes.

For now, we are neighbors. She has her own apt. attached to our home with her own exits. She no longer comes here unless invited. She complains of being lonely - but has more visitors in a week than I have in a year. Church friends come each week - sometimes more than once. She gets phone calls and letters from friends. She goes to church on Sunday and out to lunch afterwards with friends. She is no lonelier than I am - and I don't feel lonely. Surely she doesn't miss ME! :0)

Right now she is doing fine. The doc said that her anger/rage problem will NOT get better - it will just get worse and that appears to hold true. She talks nice to my hubby but if I interject a thought her demeanor changes instantly. He even told her once when she did that - that her attitude was the reason for the changes we had to make. She just can't be different.

The best way for me to deal with it is NOT to deal with her. I feel better and have actually gotten used to not thinking of her every minute. I hope her health holds steady for a long time. It will be very difficult to have to go back to the 'hands on' routine with her if her health fails. But for now, things are OK. It is as good as it is going to get.

Thanks everyone, for caring and sharing.
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OC2: On some level, I think your MIL has broken your heart. She has hurt you so deeply with her comments to you and others (about you) that you feel like a wounded animal with no place to run.

As you said earlier in this thread, your MIL has always pitted her sons against each other. So she is just doing the same thing she has always done and doing it with the two people (you and your husband) who are within her reach.

I applaud you for walking away from her care and letting others handle it. That's the way it should be and I'm glad your husband supports your feelings on this. Still, I feel badly for you for the hurt she has caused you. I'm sure you have felt shamed and embarrassed by her hateful rantings, but you know they are not valid.

I hope your MIL qualifies for Medicaid and if her health fails and you find yourself being called to take on her care again, please say no. There are nursing homes that she can go to and she will continue to have visitors; so she will have people to complain too which seems to be what makes her life meaningful. There is absolutely no sane or acceptable reason for you to subject your self to her abuse.

In the meantime, try to build on your ability to let her mental illness, because she does have a problem reasoning and accepting reality, not hurt you so deeply. You don't have to prove yourself to her, her friends or even your husband. You have a right to be on this earth and just be you. You don't need their approval.

Since you are free of her for most of the time, get out and get some exercise. Try to find positive things to integrate into your life. I think your real job is to find you again and let the rest go.

I hope you will stay in touch on this thread and let us continue to support you. You are a very good person. Sending you love, Cattails
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Thanks cattails.

Yes, she has hurt me deeply and continues to hurt me in any way she can - mostly by telling lies about me. Just mean digs, or misconstruing something that happened into something mean spirited with unkind motive.

It is the strangest thing and once in a while I hear her through the door and what she says is so completely fabricated and one wonders why - and I am afraid we will never know why. She lies even when she doesn't NEED to. Her personality has cracked upstairs. She told the Soc. worker that while she was hospitalized that I came to the hospital BRAGGING that I had just thrown out 5 big garbage bags of her junk. She told him that I had gone through her 'things' and thrown away things she wanted to keep and even thrown out mementos and things that had belonged to her mother and sister! Then she said "She didn't have the right do that - DID SHE?" in her 'poor pitiful me voice.' What I had actually done was clean her apt. top to bottom, wiped down her cabinets, cleaned 5 year old expired canned goods from her pantry, cleaned her refrigerator and freezer and thrown out old food. When she came home everything was clean and organized. I threw nothing away of a personal nature. This was just one of many similar 'stories' she is telling. All of which never happened - at least not in the way she is telling it. So, why would a person twist reality like this? It just goes on and on and on and I just had to put a stop to it because it was killing me. The only thing I COULD DO was separate myself from her.

I do believe I grieved her 'death' - the day that everything 'ended between us' was August 16th, 2012. So, yes, I do believe I have grieves her loss and am moving on. I pity her. She has lost more than I have. She has lost me and the respect of her son. She never says anything unkind about her other two children and their mates who have never done anything for her in 8 years. They don't even invite her for a visit. They call once a month or two and visit once a year or two for a few hours. All her hate is saved for us! I have decided to allow her to wallow in it alone.

I have just decided to deal with it by NOT dealing with her personally any longer. Thank goodness I can do that - for now anyway.

Yes, I am afraid I did love that old woman and she betrayed me and broke my heart. But the old heart is healing. What was happening between us was not healthy at all for me. I cannot control her thinking or actions but those who know me well know that what she says is not true. At least the blatant stuff. She does sound pretty convincing and sounds 'perfectly normal.' Those who might believe her are not worthy of me. God knows. He's the only one I really worry about long term :0)

We have planned a 2 week trip this winter and will schedule friends and family to visit and call her while we are gone. If anything happens to her while we are gone, one of her other kids will have to catch a flight and come to deal with it. We will be 'out of town.' :0) Looking forward to some sand and sunshine with my husband. He deserves it too.

Had a nice long talk with my doctor before I went to AZ for 2 wks in Aug. and he finally convinced me that my life was just as important as hers and that she has THREE children and they have THREE MATES and it is just impossibly unfair to expect just ONE to do it all just because they say it ISN'T CONVENIENT for mom to come visit 'right now.' It will NEVER be 'convenient' for them to help with mom - it hasn't been convenient for 8 years now. The doctor said 'since when has it been convenient for YOU?' Convenient has absolutely nothing to do with it. And that is true.

But, for now, this solution is workable and just hope it lasts for a long while yet.
Hubby is realizing now, more than ever, just what I have put up with the last few years. :0(
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Assisting Living Facilities are much cheaper and nicer than most nursing homes and can provide most of the care, including bathing, nurse visits, medication, filling of prescription,, meals, activities, transportation, even doling out a cash allowance, plus social events for the residents. Plus, they know you can move out and switch facilities, they Want your business. Be sure to ask for their all inclusive rates.
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Her diagnosis sound like she should qualify for hospice. Those services can be in place in your home or at a facility. It's extra help that medicare covers at 100% including bathing, nursing, social work, chaplain, supplies, and diagnosis related meds.
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She does not have a terminal illness - she just went kind of bonkers - unable to deal with her many losses (home, health, husband, mobility, freedom, independence). Since I still have these things - her anger is projected onto me.
So, I am not sure how the post from Galoshes59 applies to our situation. I have posted that we CANNOT at present put her in Asst. Living OR a nursing home and she definitely DOES NOT QUALIFY FOR HOSPICE.

No, she does NOT qualify for any home services at present. They have done the interviews and Medicare is 'tightening up' and 'cutting back' big time. The same services she has received for the last 2-3 years would now be considered 'Medicare Fraud' if the Home Health company provided them and tried to charge Medicare for them. It is a sad reality we face. It will be worse when/IF we are 80 and need care. Maybe they will include euthanasia as a paid Medicare Service by that time. :0(

She is still considered able to make 'rational' decisions. She just isn't rational when it comes to me :0(

She does not have the funds for Assisted Living and for personal reasons we cannot make that move right now no matter how good it would be for all of us. It just can't happen yet. So things will remain as they are with us making up for the things she cannot do for herself and me doing that when she is not home. Hubby will continue to check on her frequently and friends will continue to help out. We are fortunate to have a strong spiritual family.

There is a bible scripture about a 'friends that stick closer than a brother' and that has proven true in our situation. Our friends have done FAR MORE for her and for us (and willingly) than her own children. We just didn't want to call on them until it was absolutely necessary - but when we did - they came through for us. We try not to call on them too often. They do willingly visit her each week - taking turns. She has no idea how fortunate she is. And we will be forever grateful.

We do most of what we have always done - just differently. Thankfully - she allows her son (my hubby) to be the go-between and doesn't give him any trouble. She lets him know if she needs groceries and gives him a list. She tells everyone that HE shops for her - but I do that too :0( She just cannot acknowledge me in any way. She is very 'sick.'

As long as her physical health remains fairly stable - well, things will be stable here. We will deal with any changes as they come. I am trying VERY hard NOT to worry about what MAY come (and probably will come) later. That would ruin the 'present' which is my gift. I feel as though I have been given a gift. Even though I still do the grunt work - I don't have to deal with her personally and that makes ALL the difference. I know this isn't possible for everyone and for that I am sorry.

For now, we are trying to enjoy our life and we include her once in a while if she desires. She usually says no. I am sure she thinks this upsets us, but I think I am beyond that now. If she chooses not to be here when we have company, or family over - that is her choice. It is HER NOSE she is cutting off to spite her face. She does this a lot. It guess she is happier when she is miserable.

Again - my thanks for all the thoughts and prayers sent my way and I continue to keep so many of you in my thoughts and prayers. We are 'unsung heros.' That's for sure!
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Your profile says that she has multiple health issues related to her age and is living with general age related decline due to obesity, arthritis, diabetes, multiple surgeries and medication side effects and slight stroke.

Diabetes alone will sometimes qualify you for hospice, plus mobility issues. You don't have to be on your deathbed. When someone recommended it to me for my mom, I dismissed it for months because I was sure she would not qualify. Then when I finally called she did qualify clinically. She has a heart condition that she has had for decades. They have been a huge help. And if she doesn't qualify, they are much more helpful in getting other benefits than other medicare providers have been.

We use Gentiva.
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She is able to be up and around right now - using a walker. Her diabetes is under control. Her physical health is now fairly stable for an almost 88 year old. Whoever oversees Home Health Services for our state visited her and said 'she no longer qualifies for home health services' - so, they must believe that she is 'safe' and 'able' to care for herself somewhat. They also know we live next door.

Until her next 'crisis' we are back to square one with NO home health services unless we pay for them. Ultimately, it may be better for her because it gets her out of her chair a little.

She was is much worse physical condition in the past than right now at this moment. And with the recent Medicare cuts - her home health and the home health services for many others as well, I suppose, went out the window. It is just the tip of the economic iceberg. It will only get worse as time goes on.

Until something happens where her health takes a turn for the worse - that requires a hospitalization - she does not qualify for any home services. :0( She usually manages a few days in the hospital once or twice a year. :0(

But thank you for mentioning Hospice. If ever her health fails dramatically - I will at least give them a call and check. I would not have known to do that. I understood hospice to be palliative care service n the final year of life. Sorry if my curt answer offended - did not mean that. I thought you perhaps worked for a nursing home or AL facility. For reason we prefer not to mention on this forum, she cannot at present go into an ALF. Maybe in time.

Thank you all............
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Dear Oldcodger2,
Agree with everything jeannegibbs and the women advised above. Also, that bath lady should be fired as cattails said above and report her to the agency and get another bath lady. She shouldn't open her mouth when it comes to family issues, she shouldn't open her mouth unless asked to open her mouth; she's intruding on issues she has no business making any type of comments; its none of her business and she should know better. We had to fire an organization because one of the CNAs turned out to be Dr. Jekly and Mr. Hyde-she was abusing both me and Mom. Sis reported her actions and I hope they got rid of her too.
You're not going to get any pats on the back from MIL. First of all, she is sick, please try to remember that. But YOU need to make the changes or else you will get sicker than MIL. All great advice up there, please try to make the changes one at a time or as much as you can as fast as you can. We do not want you to end up in the hospital! I understand what you are going through as I went through the same thing [though not as severe as your situation ] with my Mom;who is now in hospice [dementia and terminal cancer]. You are doing a fabulous job, thankless job, more than any human can take on. The Lord sees what you are doing, believe me, and He knows exactly how you feel for His understanding is infinate. Go to Him with your tears, anxiety, stress, and everything else. God Bless you.
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Yes, I know my MIL is a very sick woman and her physical ailments are the least of her worries now. Yes, her bath lady is long gone. My MIL will NEVER forgive me for that - and takes NO responsibility for what happened that day - when they BOTH came after me with their verbal attacks. But, my MIL is a very sweet person - really sweet - to everyone else and she does sound perfectly normal and I have NO doubt that the bath lady thought she was 'helping' her patient. What the bath lady DID NOT KNOW is what my mother in law had said and done just a few minutes before she arrived - when she was in a rage. I know that no matter what - the bath lady was out of bounds in what she said and did that day and that is why I did report her and did discontinue the services of that Home Health Agency. This is something my MIL will never forgive - she tells everyone I fired her bath lady for 'no good reason' and in reality, I saw 'no good reason to keep her.' Ultimately, due to the recent cuts in Medicare - my MIL would have lost her bath lady anyway - so it just happened sooner rather than later.

They seem to feel that for now she is able to care for her own personal needs and we are allowing her to do that. She has a Lifeline necklace and knows how to use it. She has regular visitors. She is not neglected.

And, yes, I do pray a lot - not only for myself but for so many stressed out care givers who have such an enormous burden. I am so grateful for finding this site and for being able to read so many comments and to know that what I feel and how I feel is not 'wrong' - that I have just as much right to be cared for as my MIL does. So, I put myself on my list. I have backed off from my MIL and realize now that I probably did 'too much' for her and that could possibly have contributed to her anger. But, for whatever reason, what IS - IS - and we have to deal with the situation the way it is now. Hindsight is 20/20.

Thank you all again and again and again.
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Praise God oldcodger2,
I am very happy that u have put yourself on your own list of who to care for. You need to take care of yourself first.....as my sis and bro and everybody else have told me in the past when I had my own several personal breakdowns. Good that you have backed off on MIL--its not only good for MIL, but GOOD for you too. Do not be as I did, I was in so much stress that one early morning I bashed my head into the side of the door as I was walking [wasn't looking where I was going] and had a mean black eye and cut and bleeding and had to see the opthamalogist and have a CT scan of my head. The bash was so loud that I woke sis up. I was so stressed out that I wasn't looking where I was going. It's still swollen after one month and the bone has not yet healed and the red scar is still there and the bone is calcifying and I think that I may have to see the doctor again. Do help yourself as you are doing now before you hurt yourself as I did. Keep praying to the the Lord.....He has enabled you and helped you this far and He won't stop helping you. I believe He already has by you coming to this site. This site and all the women here has helped me tremendously and I believe that God led me to this site and all of these wonderful woman and I pray for ALL of you every day.
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lefaucon - do take care of yourself! Make sure you take vitamins - the basics, a multi, some Omega 3's and extra C. It is our nutritional insurance policy. It has kept me relatively healthy so far. Stress is a killer and if we don't get relief - then pretty soon we stop caring - for ourselves!!

It took a while and it took a lot of trouble - but I realize now that caring from a distance is the only way I can continue - for a long while anyway. I hope you are able to get the care you need and heal - emotionally and physically. May you find peace. It is sometimes hard to find. But, keep looking. Do good things for yourself. The best thing I did was start walking - not even very far - but it is a 'mindless' activity - meaning it doesn't take any thought. It settles the mind. Energizes the body. And if it is cold - just bundle up. It still feels good. :0) It is FREE and you come home feeling much better. DO IT!!
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There are some Assisted Living facilities that have a "transitional Unit". That is where my mom is. She is still in the Assisted living with her own room but is pretty. Uch taken care of all day with activities. She is with a group all about the same I. Their dementia/ALZ. They eat together, go on outings together but also participate with the Assisted Living people for entertainment, lectures, etc. it can be expensive so if you don't have long term insurance or a way to pay it wouldn't work but it has been great for my Mom and she seems to be happy.
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What does a person do when they feel they can't be the caregiver anymore and there is no one to take their place?
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See an Elder Law Attorney - first hour is free. He will help you sort out legalities if required. Check with your local Area Agency on Aging - ASK LOTS OF QUESTIONS. Talk with your family doctor. There is always a way out. Keep us posted on how things go. I have been where you are now. I may end up there again.
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