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helped for a couple months mother went to hospital for a short stay havn't heard from them since 6 months what do i say when they finally do call so they definitly know how they have hurt me
Thanks, emjo - I'm going to check out the book because the title so aptly fits how I feel. And you are right about the tools - I've seen her use all of the above and more. One I've learned about is called "splitting" - a psychological term in which they see people as all good or all bad and within a second, my mom goes from thinking someone is wonderful to full blow scorn for them. Having been conditioned since childhood to be a "people pleaser" by a narcissistic mother, it definitely takes time to unlearn that I was taught a lie, and that is not my purpose in life. Still trying to unravel the lie and release the guilt she has imposed on me for not living my life to serve her, but it is getting easier by the day to say "NO - enough already!" : )
Setting really firm boundaries and sticking to them is not easy. I have written some out for myself and saved them on my computer desktop and vowed to read them when I feel like caving or getting "hoovered in" as someone phrased it. It might be worth priinting them off and putting them in another really visible place. As you say, givingup, your mum finds others to do things for her anyway - mine too. Yes it is about power and control - almost totally and when you recognize that you have tools to deal with it. Mother has a repertoire which extends from threatening, anger, cajoling, pleading, trying to embarass me, telling other how I am not helping her and if she can involving them to try to force me to do what she wants, and so on. This has gone on for years. She plays people against one another if you let her. Her behaviour when I was younger and closer was hard to take and embarrassing too. I can see that it is hard in a small community however I hope you can see that anyone with any sense will soon realize that your mother has a "problem" and that you are not part of that problem. Separate yourself from her and know that you are OK even when she is not, She has a disease and that does not reflect on you. if anyone thinks it does, they are not worth knowing anyway. There is a book and workbook called Stop walking on Eggshells" that might be helpful - there is a workbook you can order with it. It was recommended to me some one on agingcare and I found it on line. Christina, you make a good point about becoming a people pleaser - that happens to us and we have to heal from that to become whole. ((((hugs)))) and love ♥ Joan
Dearest Giving Up, I remember as a child being so humiliated by my Mother's behavior toward people out in the community. It made me be overly nice to others, being the Libra balancer I am:) I wish just one of the therapists I went to from the age of 28 until 58 had recognized the torment, but, Mother always corrected herself when put on the spot. Now at 94, she is revealing her true nature. Dementia is allowing her repressed thoughts that she never expressed constructively to erupt. I guess that's a good thing for her? I don't know anymore. All I know about you, Giving Up, is you are a compassionate and good person. You are NOT your Mother, and I am not mine. Others who matter know this, God knows this, and He also knows why we had to go through this for so many years. It is only a portion of what we have experienced, and we have many Blessings, too, that others do not. I hug you warmly, my friend. We must detach from the pain. Love, Christina
The food issue is also one I have been dealing with and what I'm realizing is that most of these behaviors are about power and control - all part of the narcissistic personality disorder and sense of entitlement. People are just objects for them to manipulate and if I don't do it, she'll find someone else. The hardest part for me has been the lies - telling caregivers how horrible I am and that I won't do anything for her and telling caregivers I pushed her down and other horrible things that she just makes up to get attention and project the things that are actually true about her. I live in a small town and these kinds of things are very destructive and I'm humiliated by how awful my mother acts toward medical staff, bank staff (she calls yelling at them because her statement hasn't arrived), etc. I'm just so worn down but today is a new day and I'm taking three days off from her to detach emotionally and regroup. My challenge is to learn how to set really firm boundaries and limits - no easy task with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother but I'm determined to heal and grow from this experience. Thank you for sharing your experiences - helps me to put things in perspective and very validating.
Every story is different, yet uniquly the same. Like I said I took on the responsibility because I am the youngest of my 2 siblings and had no college or career and just married with a child. They kind of threw it at me saying that I have no clock to punch or boss to deal with.
In a way they took complete advnatage of me for over 10+ years. I feel bad for them. They were always there when holidays came most of the time. But I have to be my mom's support for the rest of the year. We talk on the phone at least 5 times a day my sis and bro, not once have called her. She feels heart-broken about the changes as do I but what can you do.
Wow I am very pleased by all of your posts. I say this because you all are truely loving straight from your souls. I thought people like us were a dying breed. Selfishness and greed are the bottom of the list. What really matters is family unity and care for others. I could tell you a long story about what I went through with my family and thier attitudes but you all know first hand...same stuff different family.
((((((givingup)))))) I have found that you can work yourself ragged and it is brushed off, What you wrote is very familiar. Mother doesn't have dementia but she does have some age related memory loss and yet some things she remembers very well so you never know if it is part of the "game" or what. Either way you have to deal with it. I have had something similar with my mum - she has been pestering the assisted living management to bring her her special foods as she has a touchy stomach and has asked several people including myself to get involved, call the management etc etc. All this has been done for her. and I can't say the service has been very good but she manages. She just came out of hospital and the management went up to visit her and discuss her food needs and she sent them away and asked me to sort it out or it will cost us??? a lot of money. She didn't find out what they were offering to do or how much money it would cost. I have seen the dining room menu and there are things there she could eat but I think she feels it is "below" her to eat in the dining room with the others. I don't intend to do anything. She also asked me to send her $1000 to help with the after hospital care. Her finances are fine according to her financial advisor and she really does not need any more care now than she was getting before. She has housekeeping, can get laundry done, has someone shop for her and do a little cooking and has had several weeks in a rehab hospital so she is in decent shape. (hip surgery). With her touchy stomach she has a meal of boost, lots of juices, a bit of fresh fruit, some rice and a little fish - not much cooking involved - she has a microwave. I am not even answering that one. None of it makes any sense! I did go and look after her after her gall bladder surgery about 10 years ago and it was a nightmare. We totally unnecessarily spent Christmas morning in the ER of a large downtown hospital surrounded by street people. When she finally let me contact her doctor he said it was not a good place for her and that she should go home. She had thrown up and that was from eating pickled herring, lamb chops and other rich food right after having her gall bladder out but she would not listen to me about what she should eat. aaaaargh!!!!
Emjo - My mother has exhibited the borderline traits also and that just adds to the crazy-making behavior I'm dealing with. When she was discharged from the hospital three weeks ago, I worked tirelessly with the hospital social worker to set up caregiving support, physical therapy, got her a walker, etc. A few days ago, I was doing my "shift" and just walked in - she told me she had called the agency and "discharged" the caregivers who were scheduled to come because she doesn't need them. Then she told me to call the other agency and change the schedule because she needed them for two hours each day instead of one. So I did - put the case nurse on speaker phone so mom could talk also and hear the entire conversation. Then the next day, I show up for my shift again and she asked me who changed the schedule - she doesn't want or need caregivers coming in for two hours and is going to "fire" them. I am also paying a private caregiver to come in and she said she was going to tell her not to come and that she can refuse service. I snapped - I said what is wrong with you?!! I can't figure out if she knows what she is doing and doing it just for attention due to her narcissistic PD or if the dementia is causing her to forget what she did or if it's a combination? But at this point, I'm coming to terms that it doesn't matter the cause because there is no solution other than to limit contact as much as possible and watch her sink her own ship. Thank you for sharing that information with me - helps me to realize that no matter what I do will never work and that I'm in a no-win situation.
"It is very sad for many of us that our parents last years, months, and days have come to this and many of us never had a mother or father who were loving and kind, nurturing parents" yup - can't change that and there comes a point that you can't do anything to help your mum. Mine has Borderline Personality Disorder and is narcissistic and trying to help her is a nightmare. She asks for help then rips strips off you for doing what she asked you to do and nothing is accomplished by your efforts except you wasted a lot of time amd energy and get hurt. She also simultaneously asks others to do the same thing so it gets very complicated. I have had to back out and will not get involved unless it is something critical and then only as I can. She is healthy and in assisted living and can manage very well but wants to be "waited on", My sister is a user and mother favors her and doesn't expect her to help. So be it. I have seen other loved ones taker a path of self destruction and that is their choice. It is very hard to sit back and watch them but not much you can do. You have made the offer. I read that the nicer you are the nastier she gets. You might take note of that and not be so "nice" but tell her directly how you feel. I pray that your gain acceptance of the situation and thereby peace. ((((((hugs))))♥
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Honest. I know having an elderly parent, no matter one's role is hard on everyone. It's hard for everyone to 'see' the same thing or even perceive the same thing and needless to say my sister(s) and I don't process information the same way.
Thank you, SS - reading your kind supportive words is an enormous blessing for me. I just told her today that I wasn't going to stop by again for a few days but if she needs anything, give me a call and I'd be glad to help. My heart aches leaving her there alone - she is so pitiful but also incredibly mean and hateful and so ungrateful for any good. I told my husband I feel like I've been in a cage fight with Satan - the more I tell her I love her, the nicer I am, the worse things have gotten. What makes me feel the most sad and totally defeated is that it's just a matter of hours before she is either back in the hospital or dead. She cannot manage on her own due to extreme confusion and paranoia, and will hit her lifeline button several times a day when having delusions - ambulance comes and then she screams at them to get out. I've contacted every agency and they all say the same thing - w/o POA or guardianship, she's got the right to do as she pleases. Another obstacle is that I live in a small town in Wyoming where resources are limited and the culture supports the "every man to himself mentality." The doctor suggested getting a court order but said that is timely and costly due to attorney fees, and he told us last week to just wait til she puts herself back in the hospital. My husband and I were stunned - he acted like he couldn't care less what happens. So it hasn't only been a battle with her, but a battle with the system. I've written my brother emails telling him what is going on and asked him to call her (he's the prodigal son) because she favors him and was thinking maybe she'd listen to him, and he refuses because he doesn't want anything to do with her. My experience with him is that I've let go - I just ask him for help and if he doesn't respond or refuses, I leave it alone because the more I've tried to reason with him in the past, it only made things worse - we have no power over anyone's behavior and my only peace comes in knowing that he will have to answer to God for his actions. Thanks again, SS - finding this board today has been like walking into a room filled with angels and thank God for all of you who are sharing your stories. I never could've imagined the stress and strain and burden we are experiencing until I encountered this situation first hand with my own mother, and I am reminding myself now that "this too shall pass." It is very sad for many of us that our parents last years, months, and days have come to this and many of us never had a mother or father who were loving and kind, nurturing parents. But this is our cross to bear and all we can do is pray that they will finally be at peace. At this point, that is all I'm praying for - peace - peace for her and peace for me and all of you here going through this same living hell.
Lordy, Givingup....what a story. I'm so sorry for your tears and pain. I don't know what you CAN do except let things happen. Sounds like her bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder are peaking. I think all you can do is be there if she asks for help. Tell her you can't take the abuse anymore (maybe why ur brother stays away ---and you just happen to be the strong one), and she should call you if she needs you. My brother and sister both stay away, so I know of the isolation and anxiety that comes with being the only one to try and make things better and the all the crap that comes with the day to day care. It's exhausting on so many levels. I get it.
Have you involved Social Services? They can help you take the steps to have deemed incompetent if you wanted to go that route. Just try to regroup, darlin'. We are here for you. You're going to be ok.
I'm about to collapse and have spent the past five weeks lining up caregivers, paying for private caregivers, cooking, cleaning, and acting as a servant to my elderly mother who has a life time history of bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, ADHD, and is extremely emotionally abusive. She has told her neighbors I pushed her down, that I'm crazy, that I've stolen her medication, and on and on. I have a Master's degree and am a retired college professor. My husband has a Ph.D. in engineering and his own consulting practice - we are educated and stable people and have done everything possible to provide for her. We pay her cable bill each month, buy her everything she wants, give her money, and so on. My brother and his wife have done nothing even though they are financially able to chip in. They haven't seen her in six years and couldn't care less about her or the emotional and physical toll this is taking on me, my husband, and our marriage. My mother has decided she is going to fire the caregivers and manage on her own. She has refused to assign a POA or guardianship, so she is basically going to kill herself in her apt. or end up back in the hospital (she is drinking while taking high powered meds), so I am not going to rescue her again. I was told that if there is no one there at discharge from the hospital to accept her and provide for her care, then she will be discharged to the nursing home. Unfortunately, that is the only option I'm left with. My mother has "ordered" me to leave her alone saying she doesn't need my help. I have prayed and cried and pleaded with her to let me help her and she is now refusing, despite the fact she is on oxygen 24/7 and is paranoid, experiencing delusions that we are trying to kill her, and on it goes. Now all I can do is pray and hope that God will alleviate all the suffering for both me and herself. I feel like I am watching her kill herself and it breaks my heart - but I have no more tears to shed.
You have got to be kidding. Are you? There are thousands of 'hints' and stories on this thread and every other one in this site! There are people happy to be doing the unique job of caregiving, and there are people going off the deepend from the endless isolation and selfish family members who don't help. My brother called yesterday, prompted by our older sister-- who told me in April if this year, that her life and responsibilities are more important than mine, and that's why she simply cannot come for 3 days to stay with Mother while my husband and I get away. This woman has 2 homes, a timeshare, and travels without exception every year like clockwork. She talks down to me, wouldn't take her Mother to the bathroom while I was fixing them lunch one visit-- so I don't fix lunch for the bitch anymore. In fact, I kicked her ugly ass out of my house after her insulting comments in April, and she tells her kids what an unstable person I am and should be on "meds". I told her you can't be a person who NEEDS meds to do this crazy lifestyle. You know what? I am sick to death of talking about this, and I want some justice. I don't want to wait until I die. I want my life to live and not go crazy from the frustration.
I have been reading all of these comments with great interest. This topic has generated much discussion and the common theme of frustration and personal hurt as siblings argue and abandon and otherwise not assist in caring for parents is heartbreaking. Sharing your stories here on this site does help reduce some of the isolation and hopefully provide some support. Just knowing that our experiences are similar to those of other caregivers brings with it compassion and support. Are there any helpful hints or success stories that could be helpful to others either in getting siblings involved or in addressing the sense of frustration and hurt when the burden is not being share?
Gavanno, we can't even begin to get into the minds of how others think. I spent way too much time trying to understand my brother...then laid that to rest to get on with what had to be done. I have every reason not to want to take care of my mom...but I choose to love her instead! You will never ever regret doing what you are doing for your mom. Now if you could just get some therapy help for you to help settle it in your mind, you will be golden! Even though I am married and have two grown daughters....I, too, am handling all of this on my own...
My mother is 83 in Scotland, has a bit of short term memory problems but otherwise physically ok for her age. There are no other relatives at all taking care of her, except for myself and a friend I have. I am the youngest of four, two are abroad and have been for years in the USA, one nearby. NONE of them have helped with my mum's care, by being there or financially even. It has strained to the point that I am only now in touch with my brother in the USA. Even he says that it is 'God's will', he believes that I am there as the only 'caregiver' because that's how it is meant to be. If he put as much energy into his mother's care as he does to his church issues.... The sister in USA refuses to help also. The sister, the eldest (20 years older than me) who lives nearby my mother also has refused to even visit for years - I asked her to return two years ago and it only ended in a horrible situation. She said that she couldn't continue because of me! She refused to assist long-term and wanted my mother placed in a carehome! and one near her so she didn't have to travel any distance! I am male in my early 40s and have put my life on hold the last few years - it is as if my siblings don't CARE about their own mother, a thing I can't understand. I finally told them they have a MORAL duty to help. That's when the sisters went too far - they made malicious lies up about me and reported me to social services, that I was abusing our mother - I was cleared of all charges, but this is the length they went to to DENY themselves any responsibility. The strain is at times quite bad, I have no partner, and only a friend who can help sometimes. I have thought about a mediator - but I doubt anything will help with people who go to such extreme lengths to deny responsibility. The sister nearby even goes so far as to say she has a 'mental illness' and one (conveniently!) that she says is caused by her mother!
My sis didn't even come to our town until after Mom passed. She came for the service. I was at the hospital almost 24/7 with Mom for a week. Doc told me to sleep at home but I just couldn't leave her.
Wow mizunderstood....I can relate to that. Not about my mom but with my husband's mom. After her second stroke, the family made the decision to remove her feeding tube and just have the staff administer comfort care. My husband said he didn't want to see her like that so I suggested he go in for one last visit with her and tell her it was all right to go and that the family would be okay before I would be present when the nurse removed the feeding tube. He did and when the nurse and I went in to her....she had already passed. To this day I don't regret suggesting he tell her that.
My mom heard my voice before she passed, my brother's voice before she passed, but not my sister's voice before she passed cause she "didn't want to see her like that". :P
I have lived with the fact that my older brother is definitely the flight type. Used to be very resentful about that. I went through 5 years of therapy and was very blessed by the person I had. I now am able to process things much better. The really sad part is seeing our mother pine for word from her favorite child (can process that much better now, too) who lives in Spain. Mom just celebrated her 90th birthday without a call, a card....NOTHING. I feel sorry for him because he will never know how beautiful family relationships can be.....
I used to have the problem of telling siblings what happened or is happening and they WAY overreacted. Caused me more work, made me feel like telling them I am not stupid. Once I said Mom needed clothes as a suggestion for a Christmas gift. I got an email saying that there is money budgeted for Mom's clothes and how many outfits she should have, etc. Man oh man, it was just a freakin' suggestion. I guess you REALLY gotta do what we are doing or have done to actually get what it's like to be the sibling taking care of the parent.
No Voice -- thanks for your side of the coin. What happens is the caregiver is so busy taking care of things that happen (all of them unpredictable), that it is a juggling act. All this while the other folks are living their busy lives. The caregiver is basically living two lives concurrently, so forwarding information becomes one more responsibility. I had wanted to relay information the other day, but no one was answering their cell phones so that made me feel very lonely in that waiting room once more -- a very lonely, depressing, sad spot and no one knows how long it will go on. so while everyone is living their life, I'm making sure someone's needs are being met first, and then my family's second, and then mine last. yes, i do need to get over this and i do care for my mom and family.
No Voice: can you talk to an elder law attorney and get on the docs? I don't think your sister can do that to you unless there have been legal problems. Good luck:)
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All I know about you, Giving Up, is you are a compassionate and good person. You are NOT your Mother, and I am not mine. Others who matter know this, God knows this, and He also knows why we had to go through this for so many years. It is only a portion of what we have experienced, and we have many Blessings, too, that others do not. I hug you warmly, my friend. We must detach from the pain. Love, Christina
In a way they took complete advnatage of me for over 10+ years. I feel bad for them. They were always there when holidays came most of the time. But I have to be my mom's support for the rest of the year. We talk on the phone at least 5 times a day my sis and bro, not once have called her. She feels heart-broken about the changes as do I but what can you do.
I could tell you a long story about what I went through with my family and thier attitudes but you all know first hand...same stuff different family.
Have you involved Social Services? They can help you take the steps to have deemed incompetent if you wanted to go that route. Just try to regroup, darlin'. We are here for you. You're going to be ok.
xoxo
-SS
You know what? I am sick to death of talking about this, and I want some justice. I don't want to wait until I die. I want my life to live and not go crazy from the frustration.
The sister in USA refuses to help also. The sister, the eldest (20 years older than me) who lives nearby my mother also has refused to even visit for years - I asked her to return two years ago and it only ended in a horrible situation. She said that she couldn't continue because of me! She refused to assist long-term and wanted my mother placed in a carehome! and one near her so she didn't have to travel any distance!
I am male in my early 40s and have put my life on hold the last few years - it is as if my siblings don't CARE about their own mother, a thing I can't understand. I finally told them they have a MORAL duty to help. That's when the sisters went too far - they made malicious lies up about me and reported me to social services, that I was abusing our mother - I was cleared of all charges, but this is the length they went to to DENY themselves any responsibility. The strain is at times quite bad, I have no partner, and only a friend who can help sometimes. I have thought about a mediator - but I doubt anything will help with people who go to such extreme lengths to deny responsibility. The sister nearby even goes so far as to say she has a 'mental illness' and one (conveniently!) that she says is caused by her mother!
Good luck:)