I need to find some help for my stepfather. He is peeing in his bed. Any advice?

JudeAH53 - I want to answer here as well... no need to be sorry... be happy you have the UK Med.Service..... Having lived in Canada, UK, and Germany... without a doubt...US is the worst from my point of view..... I recently saw a comic strip showing an old women buried under a mountain of papers.....the caption: """ Someone told the US Post office I was over 65..."""....Yep, and I am wondering if there will be any trees left in the US make sheets of paper out of - in another 100 years... The care factor is really intermittant,,, the worst at times, good also at times... the cost {insurances} is the sticking point.. here... yet the paperwork I could not have managed when both parents were ill, had my daughter not had the time to help .with that...

Sorry everyone ....obviously had a stupid moment... I keep fogetting I am in UK and its different here xxxx

JudeAH53 - I do agree --- there is more wrong here than just the possibility of drinking still...... but medical intervention does cost heaps, if you are un-insured.......
soooooo.....? !!!......Get with social services available in that county.......!!!

If he has been a drinker all his life and I can only go by my ex then it is possible something is radically wrong. My ex started to need to pee urgently and often and his doctor found he had prostate cancer. He luckily didnt have all the other problems but it is worth getting him checked out. My ex drank all his life and a lot but luckily never enough to stop him working however when I say a lot I mean a full bottle of vodka at least every day.

12:12 PM 4/2/2015
Yes - Veronica91 - you are right and so is porchpickles.... yet the way I read theVirg's text... I can't help but imagine that her stepdad is in withdrawal or beyond that point in depression and suffers male-incontinence. Most likely has liver problems and more... Can you imagine how bad he feels about himself ??? He needs medical and financial aid. If she cannot help him out of bed, he must be able to get himself out ocassionally with some effort.... As I said, clarification by theVirg about those points would help. Does he still have access to drinks, and can he walk about ...??? Yet I am sure that between working and homeduties in her situation, she has little time for herself or to blog...
,,,,,,,, if I remember right I suggested getting Social Services involved as the least costly start to relieve her stepdad's situation... Just call places,,, don't worry about asking dumb questions, that personnel is trained to ask the right questions of you during the conversation, ...even call Alcoholic's Anonymous if he still has drinks...
Years back I have dealt with alcoholics, and attended AA... for a year plus... but in the end it was the medical help that helped straighten out things and the Alcoholic was so glad to have had help to get rid of the monkey on his back.... turned into a different, pleasant person... as it also helped remove the depression..
That step of getting Soc.Services involved is so necessary to prevent accidents of several kinds - while she is not there, the worst of it being an involuntarily-set fire....... TheVirg would never forgive herself if that became the end of this situation.
Calling in Soc.Services is so urgent here... as it takes a while to get all that set up and he may even be placed onto a waiting list....
Most counties do have agencies that will know how to get her help... as I received after moving to a new state and bringing my ill parents there....... as every county works it a little differently........ I wish theVirg strength and I wish her well !!! and God bless !!!

sorry...but pamstegma doesn't have the right answers all the time... stats dont deal w/ the real person... call your local ALCOHOLICS ANON. they can lead you in the right direction

DHiBe never mind what Pam said and she is one i never care to disagree with. An alcoholic will find a way. As long as he has money and phone acess he may be able to get the liquor store to deliver, seen that done!. Also a favourite grandchild may help grandpa or grandma out, that case it was bottles of milk of Magnesia which for obviouse reasons the daughter confiscated. Where there is a will there is a way.

Pam... since this poor soul is bed - or house-bound, how would he get ahold of alcohol ???......

We solved that problem with my hubby, who has dementia, very nicely. My son-in-law bought him two (and my daughter later another one) Batman, one-piece polyester pajamas. My daughter ran out and bought him a Superman one as well. He cannot possibly reach the zipper down the back in order to pee anywhere but in his well-padded Depends. This is the perfect solution! Ah, life CAN be beautiful!

I agree with Pam. He made his bed so let him lie in it (no pun intended) If he pees in his bed it's his problem. Cut off his booze. If he has no retirement, that means he has no money. My mother in law would drink the rubbing alcohol and my good perfume. Fortunately she wouldn't stay at my home because I deprived her of her booze. She died of an alcohol overdose at age 50 in an apartment that my Ex paid for for her. She used her social security that was paid for her for her minor son to stay liquored up. I cleaned her poop and pee for a short time and I refused to do it anymore. Drying him out is the kindest thing you can do for both of you.

Can we just establish is dad still drinking? Because if he is he is either getting out of bed to get it or someone is giving it to him. If he isn't then there are other problems that need to be addressed. How old is he? Does he have other problems? Is he under medical advice currently?

If he has no insurance, you can go to the county hospital where you cannot be turned away for lack of funds. I'm sure that as many hospitals as Houston has, that there is a county hospital. That is, if you think going to the hospital is necessary. You say he has dementia, has that been officially diagnosed? It sounds as if he could also have some depression. Going to Parkland ER in Dallas (the county hosp) turned out to be a God-send for a relative of mine, through them he was admitted to a hospital with a lockdown unit that he stayed at for a few weeks while they got his medications all straightened out. It enabled him to stay at home longer than otherwise, because he was becoming a mess. Aggression, sundowning, stripping, wandering, to mention a few.

To the person who says calling 911 costs $175, I haven't heard they do that, but if so, they would charge the senior man--not his family. Ditto for medical bills, etc. All of dad's bills are his responsibility, not the family's. If he needs financial help he will receive it, he might have to do spend down but his spouse if any won't be impoverished.

Sorry if some of you disagree. The ugly truth is that alcohol depletes vitamin B1 and the result is Korsakoff syndrome and Wernicke's encephalopathy. Harsh, yes, I agree, but allowing him to continue has worse consequences. Go to alz.org and look it up.

Boy Pam glad you have a thick skin!

Pam-as usual harsh and not thought thru.

Yes Pamstegma - that was a bit rough.......and not thought thru..... what's more 'thevirg" did not say that he is still "boozing"... and I happen to think that alcoholism is as much an illness, as cancer...... we just do not know yet how to treat the brain to eliminate addiction-settings in the brain..... we have figured out what chemical in the brain causes Alzheimers ( also in days past one used to think that forgetfulness by the elderly was just bad behaviour)... but we still now think that alcoholism is just bad behavior, when it is really a brain-illness !!!
AND... for 'thevirg" to call 911.... PLEASE understand that since this man has no health-insurance.....calling 911 in our county costs hefty dollars in the neighborhood of $175.-- last time I looked, about 3 years back, just for that transport to the hospital......which has to be paid by the family!!! Then she better call and find out how much it costs to be seen in the ER for someone WITHOUT insurance !!! That will shock her... and possibly throw her into financial difficulties for years....
It might be advisable AND A LOT LESS EXPENSIVE THAN AN ER VISIT to just look online, to find and call SOCIAL SERVICES and keep following their suggestions and see if they can come to the house at a time when she is home..!!!
That visit should be FREE, and will give the Social worker a much better Idea of what needs fixing and suggest or put into action the available services... and again WHAT INSURANCES , LIKE MEDICAID , are available FIRST and BEFORE taking any other actions... !!!
Yet if he is really ill feeling... I am hoping that 'thevirg" can arrange to get some friend or relative to help her get him into the car on a seat covered with depends and some pinned on him, or a Urinal propped in front of him during the trip ...since a Depend can leak, and take him to the ER.. where she can ask for a stretcher or wheelchair...and help ... to get him inside... she should ask the doc or other personnel for a Sodial-worker and request info how to get him on some form of INSURANCE ...or whatever PAYMENT ASSISTANCE format happens to be used in her county?
So the time to take him to the ER should be during business hours, where she can be more assured to have availability to a social worker. ALSO yes she should then indicate that she can no longer care for him... as it is dangerous to just leave him alone....I assume for at least 9=10 hours each working day....!!! .... All bad possibilities have to be considered here !!!
A man in this condition home alone could even accidently start a fire in the kitchen
I do wish 'thevirg" a good and quick and responsible solution that will not end up making her feel like " I wish I had done more and had done it sooner" ... after the worst has happened..!!!!!!
It could also leave her in bankruptcy .... and would NOT get hospice until the house is set up and secure, so no tempting piece of jewelry or little Hummel statue is sitting about to be abducted.... in other words... lock up all valuables securely...
It is not fair to poorly paid aides to have valuables tempting them.... plus at times the patient may break or loose something, for which then the aide gets blamed, as patients are often very forgetful of their actions.
I am wondering how Hospice could be of help anyway... since 'thevirg" is at work all day... I would not hand out keys to the house......They would have to come after she is back home each day..... that would not help during the day.!!!...........
Hospice would be the last agency I would call in this situation.
Well.... lots to consider.!!! I do wish her well !!!

Nice as it would be to keep him home where he wants to lie in bed and rot to death pam is absolutely correct. call in Adult protective services and your local health dept. He is doing what he wants and in a stupid way it is comforting. you alone will not change him and should not even try it is not your responsibility. Does he have kids of his own. if so notify them and let them know he is their reponsibily whether they like it or not He is NOT your relative, the law and conscience tell you to ensure his safety but not that you have to do it yourself

He needs help and so do you, caregiving is not an easy job. If he's disabled and under 65 he can sign up for social security disability. You need authority to handle his affairs, if he doesn't have advance directives or a poa for finances, then he needs them. Don't bring in the alcohol. I understand why you do it, when he doesn't have access and is having problems-you can call 911. You need to educate yourself about caregiving issues. Contact your local area agency on aging for caregiving information, home and community based programs and any other info they may have. Speak with his doctor, he may need time in a facility for rehab or he may need to be in a facility for 'always'. He really needs the men's pull ups/depends. Don't give up, keep trying, good luck

First, get him the pull ups for men. I'm assuming he isn't 65. If he is, have him signup for Medicare. If not old enough, then u have a problem. He needs evalution and without insurance its going to be hard to get him help. There could be a number of reasons why he wets the bed. If he has a primary, give him a call.

Do you have poa, and medical poa ? Someone needs to get him to go nursing home, or hospice, or some residential treatment place.

Ooooh youre a hard woman pam but you're right. in fact spot on on this one. However if he isn't still drinking then he won't get the DTs and then you need to consider getting him a pee bottle one that doesnt allow a flow back or he will still end up with a wet bed. Meanwhile get a new mattress and put a full plastic cover over it - they are damned difficult to get on (ask a neighbour to help you) but effective. Then talk to a doctor he may be able to prescribe something. Whatever you decide you really do need to consider Pam's view because I think that would be more effective. It might even inject a bit of action into him.

Cut off the booze. When he goes into DT's call 911 and let them take him to a hospital, and after that refuse to take him home, tell the Social Worker and the Discharge Coordinator he needs a Nursing Home. Ask about Hospice, too, because he may be a candidate.