My mom has Alzheimer's and she is in a nursing home. I get physically ill at the thought of going to see her and I have to force myself to go. Does anyone else have this problem?

Thanks for that info, Ed. I remember the day I said to my husband: "I am afraid of my Dad." So sad. But as it says in Ed's piece above, there are moments spent together. I can feel the important moments of love and I know I will look back later and be thankful for this time I've had with my Dad at the end of his life. I've finally learned to just be quiet when my Dad gets into an angry tirade of some kind ( about politics, or complaining about various things). When I used to engage with him while he was angry, it only made it worse. A nurse advised me to just be quiet. That helped a lot. He eventually calms down and we move on to a different subject. Connie, what you are going through with your Mom is so very hard, and I'm sorry you are. I think you are smart to keep your visits a month apart. Don't you think if our parents could talk to us, with their "old" personalities and minds, that they would be telling us to take care of ourselves and limit our visits if it is too painful for us?

One of the things that works the best for me, is that no matter what happens, try to be positive with my dad. If he says something inappropriate, we just fly past the comment, and answer in the affirmative. I have seen the above, while visiting, he'll just get up from the table and walk away. OK, visit over. No, I'll walk down to his room, and it's as if I just got there. Hmmmm. But he yells at my little one sometimes. We managed to talk him into following us to an outdoor courtyard for a picnic last week, and he yelled at his grandson to "come back here...NOW!" He does that at times, or he'll call him my his little brother's name. He also tried to put baked beans in my coffee. We don't take him too seriously, but always try to be kind. I do a lot of smiling while there, because the other residents are always trying to get our attention. Sometimes my smile just hides the tears trying to well up at all the pitiful things I see and feel. I get real emotional about my dad, especially. I sometimes have to look away, so he can't see me cry. I tried to tell him the other day that his firstborn had a birthday...that he held me soooooo many years ago. I even point blank told him it was my birthday. He did catch on at all. My dad is drifting away. I have learned not to take things personally. It's definitely not his fault, and he can't help it.

Pictures don't work, because he asks, "Who's that?" He doesn't remember being a pharmacist, or much of anything. A picture of his mom and dad produced a happy response: "That's mama and papa," for which I've never heard him address his parents that way before. His dad's been gone since 1962, and mom since 1985.

When mom visits, and kisses him, he doesn't seem to mind, but he won't leave my side to do what she wants... She's always been very controlling, and she's antagonistic toward me. He seems to prefer me to her. She has cognitive issues, and will never understand. The whole package is hard for me. Mixed emotions go with the territory. My comfort comes from elsewhere.

I am trying to learn from all these experiences and hope I will be able to make it a little easier for anyone who has to take care of me someday.

I have to leave in few minutes for my weekly visit with my mother. I have anxiety that is located in the pit of my stomach.

It wouldn't be so bad if she would just quit talking. But she yammers constantly. Most of it doesn't make sense or is a repeat of what she's already told me. Often it is some grudge against someone in her past like the way her father ran the family when she was growing up.

I really hate her. Why is she still alive?

Why do you visit her, Maggiesue? Maybe someplace inside you don't hate her so much. It hurts to hear how upset you are. Maybe you can make yourself feel a little better by listening to your mother for 5 minutes without getting irritated.

I visit her out of duty. It means I can actually do something rather than just wait for a crisis. Also I don't like the idea of other people being mean to her which I've seen because she is so obnoxious. I feel I have to protect her from the bullies because she is my mother.

I listen to her to try to determine if there is something different in her life which would signal a need for medical evaluation or a deterioration in her condition to the point that her living situation needs to be changed. I'm ready to step in but can't do it if she is still capable of being in charge of her life.

I take her on errands because she needs transportation and help carrying groceries. Fortunately she has given up driving on her own. The lady next door had two accidents before she decided not to drive. I think that was a deciding factor for my mother. Sometimes you get lucky.

Okay. Here I go. I can almost predict the conversation it's so repititious and boring. God help me.

Maggiesue - I can commiserate with you so much. I also wonder why she's still alive. I can't even go to church without lying to her about where I have been, because she wants to go witih us and the last time we took her, she complained so loudly about how much she hated the service that I vowed that I would never take her again. What an embarrassment! Speaking LOUDLY in CHURCH about how stupid she thought it was. I was raised Lutheran and the church we choose to go to is not Luthern, but a non demoninational Chriastian church. She is angry because it is not Lutheran.
She also yammers constantly and it is ALWAYS about some grudge or misconceived notion that she has, or crying about how my family doesn't like being around her, or that someone where she lives dresses weird or wears their hair weird or.... whatever it is... she NEVER has anything to nice to say about anything or anybody.
She has "yammered" consistanly for the last 10 years about wanting to move back to Colorado. Now that my husband has been transferred to Colorado, she thinks its a bad idea and doesn't want to go. I've told her, "Fine, stay here, but the rest of us are moving." She says maybe she'll just die and then we won't have to worry about. I have to bite my tongue to not tell her that she is right and we would be better off.
Now, I am on my way to do my weekly duties - groceries, medication, go through all her JUNK mail that I have told her a thousand times to just throw away (but she insists that I look at it first).... blah blah blah.... I dread it sooooo much.
So, MaggieSue, I COMPLETELY understand what you are saying and going through. I pray that we both can find peace with all of this soon.

Wow, Dede! Sounds like we spent the afternoon in the same way.

Having vented here before I left made me feel more in control and I went in my mother's house with a sense of purpose that I don't usually have. I told her what we were going to do. Usually I let her muddle around and tell me.

The first thing she said to me was I was not talking loud enough. We go thru this every single time I enter her home. Then she remembers that she needs to put in her hearing aids. Usually she complains about the hearing aids but today I hustled her along and didn't listen to the story of how the audiologist ripped her off. Some of the reason she cannot hear is she can't comprehend more than five or six syllables at a time. All communication has to be dumbed down to her ability. So I wind up using hand signals and grunting a lot.

We went to the pet store and got her cat some flea & tick medicine. Mother stayed in the car but gave me her credit card. The girl at the store was kind enough to come out to the car to get a signature on the sale. Oh how much easier that was for all of us than me trying to get her out of the car and walking her to the back of the store.

Then we went to the hardware store where she insisted on coming in. She bought batteries for her hearing aids. I have to check those kind of purchases to make sure she gets the right size. She thinks the people at the hardware store remember her and treat her special. They remember her all right as she sometimes brings them old junk from my dad's workbench thinking they can sell it. It's embarassing for me, but they are kind enough about it and take the stuff.

Then we went to a grocery store where she sent me in to get her donuts. They we went to another grocery store to get lunch from the deli and other groceries.

After that we ate, I dosed the cat with flea and tick medicine, paid the bills and turned her mattress and made up her bed. She delayed me by telling me she was too tired to sign the checks for the bills. Once I got her to do that, I stopped by the post office and mailed them and came home and ate ice cream.

I feel pretty good now that it's over for a week. I still call her every evening just to make sure she's still able to answer the phone. If she doesn't answer, I go over there and check on her.

I decided to make a list of all the things she will say when I visit on Sunday. I can make a game out of predicting the repititous "conversation". It's not really conversation because I don't get to say more than 5 syllables at a time.

She will always tell me about her money. She is convinced that she is wealthy and is very proud that it gives her a step up in life where she can look down on the "little people". In reality she is not wealthy but has enough that I don't have to chip in.

Also she will comment about my hair. I keep it sort of short. Mother doesn't like short hair and thinks I should not wear short hair. Her personality disorder is such that she can't tell the difference between me and her. She says she "lives through me" and expects me to relate the details of my life to her everyday. Then she picks thru what I tell her and decides what is acceptable for her. You can be sure I don't tell her much anymore. She's got enough of my life as it is.

She's about as close to psychotic as you can get without being truly out of touch with reality. And now she's ancient and living in her dream world. Her brain is slow, but she doesn't seem to have dementia.

It's just tough to have to spend time in her fairytale world.

maggiesue - Sounds like you dealt with things much better today. Good. May I ask how old your mother is?

She's 91.

i moved my mom in feb.this year. i am unemployed currently. she was staying in her hoje eith son that never moved out. she is 79 he 47.he always been spoiled and treated her bad but she always sticks up for him and when she sad and nervous i say whats wrong she says nothing. even when he was 21 he not pay rent - she would cry and tell me and when i would ask him he would walk up to her and say mom i paid you rent - didnt i and she would say - yes. so partly her fault for spoiling him. my husband and i always stay home- i said lets not use her as excuse for nver gong out as a matter of fact lets make sure we do or we both will g crazy and blame it on alzhkkemer mom. so we went on cruise for his 35th high school reuninon . we had my daughte4r stay here. we also are starting t hav3 company over- we fixed up our porch with patio furniture, tiki lights, and a heater cuz my mom gets cold. we bought a hot tub on craigs list and use that when mom goes to bed. we order the ufc fights and she watches with. we are going to have peopple over more- i am going to alzheimer meetings on mondays and a recovery group on tues. and church on sat. nite and will bring her with me. i like to be isolated- like to stay home- but my mom did the same thing starting at 60- i do not want to use her as an excuse to stay home ( even though i like to) so live your life- have people over- join groups and LIVE!

Sounds like what you'all are dealing with is DREAD. It's the same emotion that I feel every time I have to go to the doctor or dentist. But in my case, I throw a little diarrhea in for excitement. It's the knowledge that I HAVE to go, but I don't WANT to go. Good old DREAD. :(

I know it is difficult for many family members to go visit their loved ones at a nursing facility. It is even harder if you know that they are not going to remember it anyways. But force yourself to go regular even if only for a few minutes. I am a nurse who has worked in long term care and I know first hand how over worked the staff is. A nurse will be assigned 25 - 35 patients and the nursing assistants 8 - 12 patients each. Even in the best facility there is, even when intentions are the best, the resident that the staff knows has family coming for a visit are sure to get attention first because they do not want family complaints. I am not saying that someone who gets no visitors will be neglected and not cared for, but the staff will work harder if someone is checking up on things.

Medication isn't always the answer, but sometimes it can actually stop all the nastiness. Ask your parent's doctor.

Mia,

I fully sympathize with not wanting to go. My Dad also has Alzheimer's, and lives 500+ miles away. I dread driving to the airport for another visit, dread making the phone calls. It truly hurts to give up control of one's life, but they do need oversight.

My GP put me on Celexa because it is an antidepressant with some amount of anti-anxiety activity. This has helped, and I also have Klonopin (anti-anxiety) which I take on the actual visits.

Other things that have helped - forcing myself to take time to walk on a regular basis, especially when I am at my Dad's home. Talking to friends and to my pastor.

I wish you all the best.

I go to see my dad regularly. He knows me. He smiles when he sees me. He's pitiful, as far as mannerisms, but he's my dad. It really encourages staff to see us visit often. They always tell us how thankful they are. Who knows what my dad is thinking? I love to visit, though. He will fade gradually, but not without my visits. It is sad sometimes, but I'll have no regrets later. I do balance my life with lots of joy, and encouragement from friends. Prayer helps a LOT!

wow this thread lasted a good long while....I dread everytime the phone rings cause it might be mommy dearest with her strung out delusion of constipation....NOT>..she's driving the caregiver nutz as well with this same stuff, even though the caregiver and I are constantly flushing down what the caregivers uses "BM"...LOL...so tired of hearing the drama over and over and over again.

Hello all! I am just now getting caught up on this thread - wow! Well, the quote of the week was 'Where the CAT HAIR have you been?" Talk about YAMMERING - I take one week off of spring break (even unplugged the computer when we got back) and I didn't hear the end of it! My goodness!

Life is so the drama - and I see that the drama has continued for all of us. OH - and he even called all of the relatives b/c I was missing in action (I let the answering machine pick up!) Do you know how annoying it is to be in Wal-Mart shopping and have your cell phone go off fifty times? GRRR!

Oh my! How I have missed you all!

Secret Sister, you are so right - it's all about BALANCE! And how I needed a break !!! A few days away and a few more hiding out at home with my family - it was wonderful!

I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it was to move my parents (91 and 93) from Florida to Illinois.In assisted living,they were paying a small fortune monthly. They fought like cats and dogs in a one bedroom. They wanted to change "hotels" and go back to Fort Myers in the fall. Mom was moved to a memory unit.My dad went beserk trying to bust her out. He went to a behavioral hospital, fell and broke his hip and went to rehab after surgery. I drove my mom 68 miles round trip three times a week to see him. She was depressed because he didn't always recognize her. I got depressed seeing my once vibrant, active parents in diapers drooling. Mom went to a behavioral hospital when she refused to eat. I put the house on the market . After four months, I finally found a mediciad nursing home that would accept both. By this time, we were running out of money. The house sold a week before mom died of pneumonia. She looked so tiny and gray. I hated that it was my last visual of her. She died 5 weeks ago. My dad is unaware that she died. When I visit him, 48 miles round trip, he is usually asleep in his chair in the community room. I often can't wake him long enough to talk. The last words he said to me when he was coherent last year, " I don't know how you did it, but I know you are behind our incarceration". I have had severe anxiety attacks, asthma attacks, and gained 40 pounds self medicating with food. Their house sold for $175,000 less that it was worth 3 years ago but it will keep dad going for a while.
Both my parents would have hated to see themselves in chairs, wearing diapers and unable to feed themselves. They were proud strong people married seventy years. I get physically nauseated before my visits and deeply depressed after. The only other relatives are elderly and living in Florida. The nurses and cna's are great people. My parents were always clean and dressed properly when I visited. It's Mother's Day tomorrow and i'm in the fetal position sucking down ice cream. My life sux right now and I want to be free from the pressure.

Dear chik, my heart goes out to you. I will tell you what I tell myself: you did the best you could, loved them, and provided for their needs in a responsible manner. Forget the words and images, and above all, forgive yourself!!! I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. That must hurt a lot. And your dad is not now who he once was, but it's not your fault, so you need to lighten up on yourself, sweetheart. From your words, you want the best for him. It is hard when we cant "make it all right," but we can't. See if forgiving yourself relieves some of your anxiety. Self-talk yourself into believing you are a loving daughter, who would do anything to help, if you could. And rest knowing you did! God bless you my dear. I do know what it feels like. I spend sleepless nights in anxiety. Saw my dad at his nursing home today, and it left me feeling quite down. But life is about more than their decline, though that is part of life. It's also about beauty, joy, forgiveness, and comforting others who are down.

I'm so glad you posted on this site. I hope that helps a little. If I were there, I'd offer you a cup of coffee and a hug. I'd attend a dementia support group with you. Know you're not alone. God cares, and I'm saying a prayer for you. Please keep writing. And please take care of yourself. You deserve to live free, and at peace. Hugs for all you're going through.

I am a home attendant and I am taking care of lady with dementia. her daughter and granddaughter live with her and they are really helping caring for her. my job is to encourage her to eat because she has lost her appetite and she doesn't want to swallow even though all her food is blended. she get aggressive when I made her to eat, but when she hear her daughter's voice, she changes her personality completely to be nice again. she is bedridden, so I have to do everything for her. her two son are not going to visit her tomorrow being mother's day which I think is wrong, but definitively, I wouldn't like to see my mom with dementia, either because is very stressful. visiting your mom at least weekly is fine. It doesnt' have to be daily. my aunt has dem/alz and her daughters put her in a nursing home and she fall down twice/injuring her head/eyes/elbow/legs and they didn't do anything about it. she went to sleeps in another patient's bed because of her dementia and the staff allows her wonder inside the nursing home maybe another pt. beat her up . now she is bedridden and doesn't recognizes anybody. she tried to choke her husband and two times she got lost and the cops found her, so her daughters put her in a nursing home.

i stopped seeing my mom in the hpspitol the day she leaned over to my dad and whispered, ' bill, who is that? she frightens me. who is that?' God, my heart sank and i was afraid to go back there. the last thing i want to do is scare an old lady!! ( i do look kind of scary, biker look about me) and then it was to the point when she was close to dying, i talked to my dad , i felt bad thinking i should go see her before she dies, but if she doesnt recognize me, i scare her, and the bottom line was i dont want the last image of her in my head to be her all messed up..if its gonna freak you out to the point your getting sick over it, dont go ! if shes asking about you though, thats kind of another thing, but if she doesnt recognize you anymore, then dont beat yourself up. if shes asking about you, then maybe take a friend or someone with you?
you can do this, we arent given things in life we cant handle...

you have to forgive yourself. I found that it helps and take life a little lighter. It's true you can only do so much and just realize that. You've done alot already. I could not have had my mother at home that long, she's such a depressive person and that doesn't make me a bad person. I use to beat myself up over negative thoughts or verbal replys and found forgiveness helps. Mom doesn't mean to do what she does either and I now realize that. One day and a time.. that's all we have anyway. Live, Love and be happy-good to yourself and to those around you incuding mom which you are and have been doing.

short morning visits if you can. time it around PT and perhaps you can hang out while she does the therapy. staying no more than 1/2 hour to hour tops might be healthiest for you..

You don't have to stay long really just 30 minutes is enough. really. yes we get sick visiting my uncle's wife. I went once only and I never went back because she is not mother, if she were my mom, I would force myself also. so don't feel bad nor guilty because you get sick because you don't want to see her suffering. good luck.

Do what you can when you can. Taking a friend is a great idea - often helps with the whole ordeal or it can make it a fiasco (depends on your visitee's mood!! Dealing now with transport - my visitee broke his dentures!!

My Mother was in a nursing home for four years. It was a very good home. I cried every time I left her and it was because of the enormous guilt I felt. I only went once or twice a week and that was so difficult for me to do. She gradually faded away and there was no real relationship so I just stayed a short time. I don't know whether she had any real knowledge of life (does anyone know how much real thought is left when they are in the final stages of dimentia. ) Well anyway, my advice is: just do the best you can and it does end. That is when the siblings who wouldn't have anything to do with the situation will be on hand. They want to make sure they get whatever is left of the estate. It does make for bitterness, but after five years I finally can find it in my heart to forgive them. I'm proud of the effort I made.

Thanks for that advice, rliddle... yeah, I know about the siblings - those that are away (and do nothing but criticize) want the pay in the end! I had an auctioneer tell me that infamous quote. SO TRUE!... They will be there with theirs hands out! You have given me hope in my efforts not being wasted and that the bitterness and resentment will fade in time with the useless relatives! DO THE BEST YOU CAN! AMEN!

I would appreciate your prayer regarding anger, resentment and bitterness. I am struggling with an ungrateful, wrathful, lying, and vindictive mother, and a conniving, covetous, wicked sister, who are more interested in things that caring about family relationships. Dad has Advanced Stage Alzheimer's, and held everything together, as long as he could. I am his guardian/conservator, and am attempting to keep things going in the right direction, with a sister and mom fighting/striving against me. Ugly is polite terminology for what I have to deal with, including false accusations, backbiting, theft, legal battles, and worse.

I love my dad, and spend as much time at the nursing home as I can, but his wife (mom) rarely goes, and only for show. That is the worst part of all. Yes, it's difficult watching dad decline, and all the behaviors associated with Advanced Stage Alzheimer's, but the horrendous family dynamics are the biggest heartbreak of all. Thank God some people see it for what it is, but some do not, and they are part of the problem. Wednesday's child is full of woe, and I was born into adversity. I'm asking for strength to endure. Mom is declining in her cognitive abilities, and worsening in her envy and hate. My sister's greed and bitterness knows no bounds. I grieve. At least my dad still gives me hugs. No pity party here, just stark reality, and it's not pretty.

Ultimately, we stand before God. And he knows our heart, and who is doing right, and who is doing wrong. Ultimately, I hope to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant. Now, enter into thy rest." That is my great hope. Until then, I'll appreciate all the prayer support I can get. Thank you, and God speed, fellow caregivers.

I understand as I too have experienced the horror that family can create. Some days it just overwhelms. Take care. We are all here for you.