My Mother has been in a conv. home since sept. She has alzheimers. She lived with me for 9 years. I really have to force myself to go see her and do not go very often at all. I am the only child and took care of her myslef while working until I finally got some help. Which seemed to take forever. It wasn't until she set my patio on fire that her doctor realized the extent of her disease since she always seemed fine at her visits. Its like I have a panic attack before I go to see her and it takes all I have to go there. Everytime she "never" remembers when I was there. I call her often but she does not ever remember the calls. Of course, I feel guilty not going. Actually haven't been there since Jan. But I find myself becoming physcially ill at the thought of going to see. My home is now peacful. I do have a 19 yr old daughter, but unfortunately she refuses to go see her. Only on the holidays. Does anyone else have this problem?
I think anne123 said it best - they are a different person now. Just like a kid who changes and develops a new personality, Mom has changed, too. My mother has forgotten my name, told me to leave after 10 minutes...She can't talk on the phone, but I call the nurses station often to find out how she is, I bring treats and flowers (she couldn't care less sometimes!). I'm trying to do the best I can for her - no one - including her - and including myself - could ask for more.
Dont "suck it all in" - don't make yourself sick. Your Mom is being taken care - go when you can.
You and I know it's only the disease talking, but it sounded strange coming from his grandma. She thought he was her husband, before they got married. He grew a little more apart from her, even though he knew it was the disease talking. For crying out loud, she used to watch him, buy him crayons and coloring books. Just think, if you're male, what would you think if your grandma asked you that? If you're female, what would you think if your grandpa asked you that?
I just can't deal with her going back to her childhood and thinking she has
to go to school and her parents are alive. I tried to get into that world, but I wasn't going to let me be sucked into her world completely or I'd lose myself.
She is such a sweetie and I love her for many reasons. 1) I was caring for her b/c it was a way of paying her back. She would take care of my son, when he was younger, 2) She would take me to work and take me grocery shopping 3) pick up my son from preschool, school if he was sick, karate, etc .
Your 'story' is very much like mine was (Mom passed on May 7th) and I have to say, that knowing "Mom" is/was in a safe place is/was MUCH better for everyone. Don't feel guilty.... but please continue to visit her.
NOT visiting is not the answer. We both know that. God bless you for being willing to walk into the 'mind field' .
Now about her 'wanting to go home with you'. This is very normal,and with the use of therapeutic lies you can easily side step those 'land mines' by calmly and happily letting her know that she "WILL" be able to come home.... right after you finish cleaning the carpets (use that one visit) or right after you get the car fixed.
Reassure her that she is in a very safe environment and that your 'home' is in a bit of an upheaval, so ask her for a little more time to get things in order. I know it seems like a sin to lie to someone, but believe me, they will feel better and God understands.
I found it helpful to have something FUN to do when you visit. Even a small puzzle, or a small snack and a warm cup of tea helps.
Now when its time to leave, just make sure she is 'occupied', never say 'goodbye' just let her know that you are running out to the store, and you will be right back, or you have to go to work, or you have to pickup the laundry or anything else and calmly leave, preferably when she isn't watching you leave. Ask the nurses assistant to help distract her when you are ready to leave.
So often we feel 'guilty' or panic when we have to visit our parents, husbands, or loved ones, not unlike what they must have felt when they had to take us to the doctors, or leave us at 'daycare' or school. The 'flight' response is very strong, BUT since we are not in any real danger, we should fight that response and go anyway.
If seeing your parent in a 'home' bothers you, make her room more personal. Ask what you can bring to make it more personal, even just a comforter or blanket may help.
What activities did you do with your parent in their home when you visited? Did you have tea and cookies? Lunch? Did you watch TV, or go for a walk, or have friends over? Why not try to recreate this activity with them where they are now?
I had little influence over my family and their visits, but hopefully I can help others that realize what is going on to VISIT!! We can't visit them after they are gone, and the guilt and pain that we will feel by not doing it now are much greater once they are gone.
Only you can decide what is best for you. I am not one to judge, but I do know that I made up for 'not' visiting my mother when she lived with my brother by going as OFTEN as I could when she was in the skilled nursing facility. And I am not sorry I did.
Even when 'brother' and I crossed paths in the nursing home, I just let him wheel Mom away from me, knowing that he would only be with her for 20 minutes, and I would have the rest of the day with her myself. He never gave me the time of day, but that's ok... I have my OWN watch!! :)
If the kids are older and 'harder' to please, have THEM decide what they would like to bring to "DO" with PopPop, but they have to bring something!
Have them use their imagination, and tell them that PopPop's condition is not contagious, but a bad attitude is. Tell them you will reward them for every SMILE they see.
OH... and let them know that in a nursing home... kids are ROCK STARS!! Anything a kid does in a nursing home is relished by the elderly. They see their past in their actions! And its ALL good.
God bless Gigglebox...(I love the name)
The kids didn't get a trip to the store b/c they were so antsy - but we survived. Dad has me on my toes and anxious enough so we will save a trip to the store for another day!
However, having learned from that, I have organised that my son have POA in regard to myself. I probably ought to think about putting my home in the children's names also.
I'm unsure as the whole financial situation can be a minefield.
I must say here that the local council, due to their underhand dealings and theft (proven) almost forced me to sell up and fork out massive amounts of money that was not owed to them.
They (council) actually had themselves appointed as Guardians, and stopped all my husband's pensions at source... leaving direct debits and insurance unpaid ..
Please organise POA with someone absolutely trustworthy. It is NEVER too soon to get this organised.
Anyway, I was feeling resentful that I had to take care of people who didn't take very good care of me finally felt forced to see a therapist after my father tried to have sex with me. The therapist and I we talked about the advice from all religious traditions and philosophies led back to forgiveness being the key to peace. I decided that I wouldn't be able to properly care for my parents until I got past my resentments and forgave them. I found this forgiveness meditation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNp6C1Rq-Ow and listened to it every morning for a couple of weeks. I found all my agitation around past hot button issues disappeared. In fact, my mother is much easier to deal with these days, I think because she is too tired to be mean, and I can see that all her meanness comes from her own insecurities. She is doing a pretty good job with my Dad all things considered.
Anyway, I wanted to share the meditation with all of you. It's easy, it's free and non-addictive. And it helps us do the right thing. So let's put on our big girl panties, be kind to our ailing elders (jerks or not) and especially kind to ourselves cause this is so hard!
Best to all of you.
With emotionally abusing, self-entitled guilt producing parents, we have very minimal obligations to them, eg: safety, food etc. Those of us with these types of parents will most likely take the severly damaging repercussions of our parents selfishness to our own graves... and here I am, with my miserable, unappreciative, self entitled narcissist mother living with me and complaining how she hates it, tho every need and desire of hers is met. My grown childen don't come to my home as her only interest in them is how they make her feel... my husband endures my daily complaining about her. If she thinks we're both out, like when my husband is walking the dogs and I'm in the back yard and she didnt see me... she gets all pissed off that we left her alone. Why? Because her driving privileges were take by her doctor and she''s angry staying home. Everywhere I've taken her for social activites she refuses cause at 87 she doesnt want to be with "those old people".
Tell me exactly why I "should" feel guilty if I am caring less about her and more about my emotional preservation, my children and my marriage? For those of you in my shoes... think about your life of unwarranted guilt. Our parent(s) instilled the "guilt button" in us and we push it ourselves. My kids hate my suffering, They tell me, "Enough with the BS guilt. Go live your life, mom!"
That's my message to those of you who relate. God bless you and me with the couage to take care of OUR needs and start living!