I’m trying to downsize my mother’s closets and stuff. She has 3+ closets in a 4 bedroom house (she has always loved shopping and clothes) and I’m preparing for live-in care so I also need to downsize furniture, etc.
I did okay at first and put the items in the garage and waited for 30 days to see if she noticed, but it’s getting harder and harder as I grieve the loss of who my mom was with these items, trying to pick what works now and make sure she doesn’t notice. I’m trying to focus on the positive that we have the ability to try and make it work. It’s also not reasonable for her to have zippers/button clothing and numerous fancy dresses in her dementia stage. We’re lucky that she may have the ability to return to her home, but this just feels like a knife to the heart and I find myself dreading making the decisions now. I know other countries don’t have all this “stuff” and I try to look at it from that standpoint but it still hurts. Any advice? Books to read?
She needs clothing that meets her current needs, not fancy dress or high style.
My beautiful god mother, had lovely clothes and was always well turned out. But as her shape changed due to Osteoporosis, she could no longer wear many items. So she passed them along to someone who could use them. Her tailored slacks gave way to elastic waistbands, her smart blazers to cardigans.
Grief catches us off guard and in funny ways. And it can stop us in our tracks. Yes, we can grieve while someone is still living. We grieve for the person they were, and are sad when we see who they have become.
I have been clearing out closets too. Dad is still alive, but will never visit the cabin again. He also is a hoarder, so my grief is mixed with anger. For each item that went into the donation pile another went right into the garbage. So many pairs of slacks hanging in a closet with rips, stains, not even wearable for working in the garden.
Do you have a friend or can you hire a declutterer who can help you complete this task?
FYI you may see other posts about missing items at MCs. This is a good reason to hold onto some of the clothes
I handle it by not fighting with her but when I take clothing into the laundry some things don't go back upstairs. Eventually out of sight will become out of mind fir your mother. My tip is to go slowly with a few things at first, eventually eliminating what is not needed. My mother too was a clothes horse and always took great care in matching and accessorizing her outfits. With that in mind I try to make nice coordinating outfits that are easy to get on and off for her. Since many of her items are good and useful I donate them and console myself in the knowledge that someone else will be able to use them. One thing I would say is that we also are selling some items of value and we put this money back into her funds and this provides for the extra care that she needs as her condition has deteriorated. That eases a financial burden too so it makes sense all around. Another benefit is that keeping her house clean and safe is easier without a lot of clutter too. We eliminated furniture from some bedrooms on the second floor; no one uses them and she is physically confined to the first floor so it makes sense. In the long run as our parents pass on there will be less to attend to if we start slowly letting go of unneeded things now. Wishing the best for you and your mother.
Example, my Mom had some pudding dishes that I loved, I wouldn't use in the kitchen but they were a perfect size for paperclips. So I "swapped out" the containers I was using for those paperclips for those pudding dishes. I swapped out lamps my parents had that I liked and donated my own lamps that had no special meaning for me. Even swapped out wastebaskets. And book ends, as my folks had some really unusual looking ones.
My Mom loved Lands End clothing and so did I. We were the same size so some of Mom's clothes became my hand-me-downs. Another place I found really nice clothes was on-line ShopNational, Both Mom and I liked their products.
Back when I was working full-time, one of my co-workers use to shop at Goodwill. She was a crafty free spirit girl, and she would come into work beaming wearing her newest item she found at Goodwill. Her smile said it all :)
It’s a very difficult task ahead. Is there really a chance she’ll come home? If so, just cut through the clutter. If not, no sense having to do this task twice. But either way, you can do this!
Im wondering about your statement that she may return home. If it’s dementia, it’s unlikely she will return home, unless you have multiple full time caregivers for her. Even if she did return home, dressy clothes will need to be replaced with comfortable clothes that are easy to get on and off.
Try to get into the mindset you are ridding her of the burden of having too much stuff. Simplifying will be a relief for you both.
My husband was always a fantastic dresser. When he got Alzheimer’s, he’d stand in the closet just overwhelmed at all his things. He has trouble decide
ing what to wear and what went with what. So in trying to decide, his “castoffs” went into the laundry basket. It didn’t take me too long to figure out A. Why it was taking him so long to get dressed and B. Why I had so much laundry! We donated many things to charity. Clearing out the closet helped us both.
Just keep telling your self you are alleviating the burden of excess. Good luck!
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