So my grandpa is in his 70's and lives in a small town where his doctor's appointments and such are 45 minutes away. I had to move out last year for personal reasons, but up until that point I was the only one who took care of him after my mom and grandma passed away. He's getting to the point where he shouldn't drive, and he recently injured himself so everyone is worried about him. My entire family as been TELLING, even demanding, that I move back. I've been guilt tripped and told "he raised you, and he needs you." And every other excuse. I'm one of the only grandkids of his who doesn't have kids, so everyone assumes I can just move. I have severe mental health issues, and I feel like I'm mentally unable to take care of him, but no one else will listen to me. I've looked into retirement communities because he's not in such a state where a nursing home is needed, but even then it's a little pricey. I'm sorry for the rant, but I just need to know if I'm doing the right thing by denying to move back, and what other option can we do? No one else is able to move in with him, and we might not be able to cover the cost for a retirement community. I'm desperate, because I've been suffering from depression since this all started, I'm afraid to answer my families calls because all they do is guilt trip me into moving back even when I say no. Christmas is coming up and I want to visit without this issue ruining our family get together. Thanks for listening.
Your grandfather is in his seventies, and your profile states that he is suffering from nothing worse than age-related decline, is that right? We exclude the neck injury, which I'm guessing was the result of the car accident and is expected to sort itself out in due course, more or less, is that right?
So assuming there is nothing sinister going on, like major illness or dementia, the person in charge of your grandpa's welfare is... your grandpa. It's up to him where he lives, and what support services he wants. If your family feels he isn't safe or properly fed or taken care of adequately in his home, they should be persuading him to consider other options and helping him to find somewhere better.
You can do that, too. You can look around at retirement communities and facilities in places with better access to medical and welfare services, maybe visit a few, see what's available.
I'm sure you are grateful to your grandfather and I'm sure you do want him to be safe and well and happy. But it is just absurd for the family to suggest that the *only* way this can be achieved is that you move back in and wait on him. Ridiculous.
Why does the family think "this is his last go-round"? Isn't he expected to recover from his injury? What makes them think he won't live another 10 or 20 years?
Who is "all of the family" that want you to make this sacrifice? Do you have cousins? Does Granddad have siblings? Exactly who is putting this unfair pressure on you?
You lived with your grandparents. One aunt is totally estranged from them. Some family members are trying to guilt-trip you into doing something unreasonable. Do I detect a dysfunctional family in your background? All the more important to take care of yourself and detach a bit from this situation. Can you spend the holidays with your husband's family?
I imagine you have a doctor for your mental illness. Are you in therapy? If not ask this doctor for a referral. You are in a very difficult and stressful situation, you deserve all the support you can get!
Many people in your situation would cave in and sorely regret it. I admire your decision and your strength to stand up to these unreasonable expectations.
I am in my 70s. I have grandchildren in their 20s. I cannot imagine anyone in the family pressuring one of them to take care of me if I am injured. They are all very busy establishing their careers and their own families, as it should be.
Your grandparents may have raised you but you do not "owe" them (him) anything. Just like we don't owe our parents years of servitude because they had us.
You've done your share and deserve your own life. Moving in with him may even make your mental difficulties worse.
You sound like things are stable right now. Tell your family that your doctor has advised you not to move and you don't want to go against doctors orders. Do not argue. NO means NO! Your family may also feel they can force you and take advantage of you due to your mental condition. That is dispicable.
I would not celebrate the holidays with family that is so overbearing and that forces you to do something you've said you don't want to do.
This is the time in your life that you should be planning your future with your husband. The years go by so quickly. Don't waste this time feeling guilty. You said you've had mental health issues. You need to take care of yourself NOW. Going back to care for your grandfather will not allow you to grow into a happy, healthy adult. I know you're 28 but in my mind that's still not an adult:)
It's one thing to care for our parents once we've lived our lives and raised our children etc. That's our choice. It's a whole different thing to care for an elder before you've even started your life. Chances are you'll never get the opportunity to have a normal life if you start on this path.
Stay strong!
I'm already living on my own with my husband, and we are able to bring in caregivers to check on him but my family keeps telling me thats not enough, and I should move. I'm about to be 28, and they see it as he's on his last go around and want me to be there for him until the end. A little more about me, I made mistakes in life so I've lived with my grandparents even after high school, they supported me and I was FINALLY able to move out last year with my husband, I was 26 then. I feel selfish for thinking I should try to start my life, since it's how it feels. I am finally getting back on track and have a steady job and such.
Funny thing, I've been paying his electric bill for him since I moved. My dad and other family members would always tell me that I shouldn't be paying his bills for him, but now they suddenly want me to move in. It seems a bit hypocritical to me.
First, realize that you need to take care of yourself before you can do anything for anyone else.
Is there any way that you can have someone come in to his home a couple hours a day? We did this in our family when my mom didn't need full time care but we needed to have someone who could see that everything was ok, and help her get breakfast or lunch, etc. There is an agency Home Instead and other ones that have non-nursing visits for these situations.
Of course, you have to pay for it. But it can bring piece of mind.
Have you looked into: www.eldercare.gov
They have listing of resources in every state. But in my experience, government programs can take a long time to get put into place. In the meantime, maybe your relatives can chip in and you can get an agency to make regular visits.
They can help with grocery shopping and also provide company for people living alone.
Best of luck to you.
Margaret
Your grandfather could live 20 more years. Does your family expect you to tak care of him indefinitely? I can imagine the panic your whole family is feeling right now, but they cannot put all this responsibility on you. Of course, they want to guilt you into taking care of him. Somebody has to! I perceive that this is all going to get very difficult for you as they work things out, but when you are taken out of the equation they will be forced to do so.