Hand washing. Thoughts?

Question

Hand washing. Thoughts?

Follow

Share

FIL rarely washes his hands. Has been living with myself and husband for 3 years when his wife passed. He is 90 years old with several health issues, including Parkinson’s, but is able to ambulate with a cane and take care of other hygiene measures, including brushing teeth, shaving, showers and dressing/undressing self. He can feed himself / checks and records daily vitals and weight. Has his own bathroom. I will hear the flushing of the toilet but will not hear water running afterwards. have checked soap dispenser, bar soap, sink, towel, and all appeared to be unused. I have left alcohol type cleansers, and those appear unused. I have seen him wash his hands before dinner at kitchen sink but not routinely. When confronted, he claims that he is washing his hands with bar soap. Became almost angry when I had that brief conversation - thoughts?

Family Caregiver Hygiene Multi-generational Living

18 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

Is this new that he is not washing his hands? Or has it been like this all 3 years and it's bothering you more and more? If he's never been in the habit of washing his hands after using the toilet all his life (seems common with males) then I doubt he will develop a new habit now.

Helpful Answer (1)

Reply to gnyg58

Report

Here is a different slant on male handwashing. Yes, it matters after bowel movements and wiping. But men have grown up (on farms particularly) undoing their fly and letting go on the ground around the corner wherever they are. No handwashing, because there are no taps handy. The ‘germ’ danger is virtually non-existent. I haven’t noticed contagion at all, and 'man to man' he might get laughed at.

Just as contrast, when H was doing his ChemCert license training, the teacher was keen on washing hands BEFORE the piss, not afterwards, The actual risk was chemicals on the hands before the doings, not what was touched afterwards.

Helpful Answer (0)

Reply to MargaretMcKen

Report

Maybe there’s a reason water making his hands dr or something
maybe try wet wipes with a bin next to them /
the novelty may work
failing that depending on how much it’s irritating you say if he doesn’t exercise hygiene washing hands he’ll have to move out
Only you know him to know his that will go down
You could try to irritate him
By spraying everything he touches in front of him including mug handles and say you’ll stop when he exercises hygiene because you’re not catching germs from the toilet?
and the soaps bone dry so unless he washed and then put it under the dryer it hasn’t been used !
drastic measures but if it’s really bothering you then you may have to think out of the box /
I don’t think I count cope with that - I feel for you

Helpful Answer (0)

Reply to Jenny10

Report

I, too, noticed this with my husband with dementia. Finally I just brought the sanitizer bottle to the table. I squirted some on my hands, then asked him to show him his hands, and we rubbed together! Voila! I do notice that he will absolutely lie about various habits. His world is different from mine now.

Helpful Answer (1)

Reply to Swanny

Report

Going along with the antibacterial wipes…. That worked great with my dad when he stopped washing his hands. You may have to come up with a creative reason for him to use the wipes. We would wipe our hands with one & then say, “Here dad, here’s one for you.” Sometimes we’d say there was a virus going around so just trying to avoid it by using the wipes. Whatever works without making them feel bad. Arguing with a person with dementia that they haven’t washed their hands usually never works. It either makes them mad or confuses them because they think they washed their hands. Most of the time when you hand them a wipe, especially if you are using one too, they will automatically wipe their hands too.
Also having Clorox type wipes around to wipe door knob’s, handles, etc. might be a good idea too.

Helpful Answer (3)

Reply to Ltracy

Report

Agreed! Covid and the flu are a great reason to heighten hand hygiene anyway, and if everyone is doing it it makes it easier!

(3)

Report

It is entirely possible for your FIL to be able to complete certain tasks and fall short on others. The brain can flicker on and off like a light bulb. It makes it harder for people to understand, but it is hard on the person it is happening to as well. The frustration they feel is hard, as I saw it with my precious Dad. One day my dad washed his hands in the bathroom, but forgot to turn the water off. I realized he needed more help. I would just wash hands with him as we talked. I trimmed his nails and then filed the sharp ends, and would put lotion on his hands after they were washed. Eventually, he needed help with wiping with wipes to keep everything nice and clean. He never gave any complaints about the help, he appreciated it. Elderly deserve to be treated with love and respect. If they are super combative, then maybe a trip to the doctor for help, and if all else fails, they may need to be cared for by someone else. I can only imagine that when they sense that the kids are frustrated and don’t want to help, that affects their mood. They are not choosing to be old and in need of help. It would never be something they want. It all depends on how the relationships have been over the years. If you had good parents growing up, it is part of life to want to lovingly help them.

Best of luck to you.
🙏❤️☘️

Helpful Answer (0)

Reply to Tiger8

Report

My dad would be very insulted and feel diminished by “washing hands together”. (We aren’t talking dementia here, just different life habits.). I guess if you helping them wipe, then it would be natural to go to the sink and wash together for sure! But OP says she “hears the flush and no hand washing to follow”—I experience the same. My dad would feel creeped on and think I had gone crazy if I busted into his bathroom the minute he flushed, to wash hands. If your parent is more open or less independent I can see them being open to washing together, or supervision. I’m glad your situation was so warmly received. I mean it when I say that is special and must be gratifying. We all have different situations and are dealing with different personalities. I choose to help Dad by keeping his nails short, gentle reminders about washing with soap, and wiping down all surfaces repeatedly but not within his sight (unless he has an active infection and then I do “nag” about washing more often, but still wipe down surfaces covertly). Respect is very important and so is the health and well being of the care recipient and the rest of the household, and just because you find a situation challenging doesn’t mean that you don’t want to deal with it or are angry about it, or that your parent resists because you aren’t dealing with it correctly. We all have different dynamics at work. Yes, love and respect is always the goal.

(2)

Report

See 1 more reply

Supervise his handwashing. It will ensure your peace of mind and his hygiene. Remember, most men touch their intimate parts when going to the bathroom, don't wash after, and think nothing of it. Supervise his handwashing, plain and simple.

Helpful Answer (1)

Reply to DonnaZapo

Report

Agreed. Also, as aging happens motor skills for wiping, sense of smell for awareness of problems, eyesight for seeing what you are putting your hands into or have on hands diminish as does caring about hygiene many times. Also, many do not like the feeling of water and soap. Infection and serious germs could get spread very easily.

And, agreed that men of this era grew up without hand washing being important or sometimes even easily possible, and I think that as they age they revert to ingrained habits and have a hard time following what doesn’t come natural, even if they intend to.

(1)

Report

Do his hands look dirty? Is he getting sick, are other family members getting sick from things he touches? If not, it's probably not worth arguing over or making a big deal about. You're not going to easily change the behavior of a 90 year old. My 93 year old husband likes foaming hand soaps and uses them more effectively than other hand soaps.

Helpful Answer (2)

Reply to NancyIS

Report

I think he comes from a different era. I have recently discovered that my 85 yr old dad also does not wash his hands in the bathroom. He is otherwise very civilized and clean.
Their era learned to "wash your hands before supper", so they make a habit of it. But, he simply may not have learned to wash his hands more regularly. At 90, he probably grew up with an outhouse, a Sears catalog for wiping, and a large metal tub for family baths once a week. They survived.

Helpful Answer (1)

Reply to CaringWifeAZ

Report

After reading this I just realized the soap dispenser in mom's bathroom in her MC has been broken for weeks. Mom was so particular about handwashing all of her life and now she almost never washes her hands. I'm surprised she stays as healthy as she does. All we can do is be encouraging and not let it get to us when they get mad about it.

Helpful Answer (0)

Reply to JustAnon

Report

You may consider leaving a note or message near the places you want him to wash his hands. Symptoms of Parkinson’s can sometimes show cognitive irregularity or even mimic depression or dementia. There are neurological effects that can also be affected as well. You can also check out the American Parkinson’s Association if you would like additional details about signs and symptoms of the condition.

Helpful Answer (0)

Reply to Senior8

Report

If he can check and record his daily vitals and weight, he can wash his hands.
"Get back in there and wash your hands!"
Get the bar soap out of the bathroom so he can't say he used it.
Supervise his handwashing.
Send him to assisted living.

You can tell I've had a bad day with my Mom.

Helpful Answer (3)

Reply to Lylii1

Report

The individual wipes is a very good idea and I'd also like to mention that your father-in-laws nails should be kept very short.

Helpful Answer (1)

Reply to Hrmgrandcna

Report

I read your profile and you said your husband is the primary caregiver. If the handwashing is too difficult, he can buy Purell wipes in individual packets, and open and hand one to FIL whenever he comes back from the bathroom. You can get them at CVS, Walmart, Target, etc. or order in bulk online.

Helpful Answer (3)

Reply to MG8522

Report

Time for DH to be there after Dad uses the bathroom to make sure he uses soap and water.

Helpful Answer (4)

Reply to JoAnn29

Report

If he has dementia he probably needs assistance with washing his hands on a regular basis.

Helpful Answer (1)

Reply to JustAnon

Report

According to your profile, Robert has dementia. People with dementia cannot be reasoned with, so if you want him to wash his hands, you'll have to supervise him doing it. Things will only get worse from here, so you may want to talk to DH about placing your FIL in Memory Care Assisted Living when his behavior and hygiene become unmanageable for you at home.

Good luck to you.

Helpful Answer (9)

Reply to lealonnie1

Report

This is something your husband should address firmly with him, man-to-man. He should tell him that this is a health issue for all three of you and that verification is possible, as you've mentioned.

Bigger picture: do you want him to continue living with you? Meaning, is it just this one issue that's bothering you and if it's resolved you'll be happy, or is it kind of a "last-straw" or "situation becoming too much" symptom?

Helpful Answer (8)

Reply to MG8522

Report

Hand washing. Thoughts?

18 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions