I am 84 with physical issues (need stair lifts, rollator, etc. My husband is 87 and was diagnosed with dementia 18 months ago. So far managing well in our 3 story home but I feel this can't last. He, of course, does not want to move, I would love to move to assisted living or even senior living that also has a memory unit for later. We have different needs but certainly want to stay together. Would home care be a better option with caregivers coming in? We have John Hancock elder care but having difficulty getting reimbursed for stairlifts, rollators, Comfort Keepers.
You can try and maintain this lifestyle with home care providers for as long as possible. If your 87 yr old husband has had dementia for 18 months, soon he won't recognize where he is, and you could move to assisted living. Move a few pieces of your favorite (small) furniture and photos/decor that make it feel just like home.
Start looking now for an assisted living with memory care which you like, and start planning the move. This will take a while. Your husband may be upset with moving, but he is no longer in a position to choose to stay in a 3 story house!
It sounds like you are being realistic about what may lie ahead. I suggest you start looking at websites and setting up visits for the assisted living / memory care places in your area. Could some of your children take you to tour them? You may find that some have waiting lists. Putting your name on the lists doesn't obligate you, but it gives you a head start if your current situation deteriorates and you need to make a decision unexpectedly on short notice.
At first doing this might seem overwhelming, but you'll come to understand the differences between the locations. Evaluate from both perspectives: the two of you sharing a suite or apartment together, and alternatively, you in the assisted living while your husband is in memory care.
If your husband has a medical issue that requires hospitalization, that's often the catalyst for making a move -- the family uses the "therapeutic fib" that the move is necessary for rehab and recuperation, and the patient goes from the hospital. This can be much easier than moving straight from the home.
I hope you'll stick around here on the forum, if you have time.
Physical therapy, and a good diet, are great ways to keep yourselves healthier.
Best of luck to you both!
🙏❤️☘️
We had an exceptionally hard winter as far as snow and ice but hired a plower and also have lawn help in the summer.
He does not yet have some of the typical behaviors I see on TV commercials for medications for this progressive disease, but I know the day will come, hopefully not too soon.
We also have Comfort Keepers who come in two halfdays a week to do the laundry and housekeeping.
Unfortunately, one would need to wait for a 911 emergency, such as a fall which requires hospitalization, then rehab, then going back home (which now could be senior living). That happened to my Mom but her fall was too serious and she spent her final days in a nursing home.
My Dad hired around the clock caregiving for himself as he, too, was a major fall risk. The caregivers were costing him $20k per month. Yes, expensive. Dad finally sold the house and moved into senior living which at the time was $5k per month. He loved it there. He enjoyed being around people of his own generation. And the perks available such as weekly housekeeping, etc. And no more fear of falling on the stairs.
Oh, in the mean time. we had another set of handrails installed on my stairs, so that way, I can hold onto both handrails with my left and right hands. That made a huge difference, and I feel so much more secure going up and down the stairs. Now, if only I can get hubby to use the handrails :)
I'm glad you are smart enough to realize AL is not an asylum or prison cell, and you get meals, cleaning, laundry and more. It's easy living, compared to what you are doing now! Just put your foot down with Husband, or threaten to move out yourself. Dementia patients don't run the show anymore. Start looking for the AL place you want, before it becomes an emergency situation.
Caregivers coming in is very expensive. You can't count on them, unless the are from an agency. You are still in a 3 story house fall situation, caregivers or not. Now is the time to sell your house and get an easier life.
3 stories with mobility problems is a dangerous accident waiting to happen. Start looking for some nice places you will like!
I would also start talking to realtors about your house. The realtors will have a lot of local resources available.
You might be able to get his doctor (or yours) to recommend it and then tell him “doctor’s orders.”
You might be able to pick a place out, arrange a move, then tell him a white lie such as “we have to stay elsewhere while the house is being treated for bedbugs” or something, to get him there. Maybe he could stay with family for a couple of days while you are having a few things moved to the place and then when it’s time to move, he is taken straight to the new place.
My point is, don’t wait for him to agree. Trying to talk or reason a person with dementia into something is a big waste of energy in my experience.
Managing caregivers in your home is more complex. You have to find them, schedule them, what if he doesn’t see the point and tries to drive them out. My dad did that. And both your physical limitations and his dementia are going to increase. It’s way easier, and you have more flexibility, to move before a crisis occurs than after.
good luck and best wishes!
How about taking husband on a tour of some continuum of care facilities? Or if he's not capable of understanding them, you go on the tour without him and then present him with "We're going to do this because we can no longer manage our present way of life, and I want to spend as much quality of time with you while we can." If that doesn't work, woe is you! Because it likely will all be on you to care for him, the house, the finances, etc. etc. And that is NOT fair to you.
If he's already 18 months into diagnosed dementia, he's well on the way to situations that you'll find impossible to manage at home. Incontinence. Behavior so uncontrollable he'll need to stay home. Wandering. My husband hid knives in the sofa. Peed all over the house. Let strangers into our home. Didn't know what his own poop was and carried it around. Put his clothes on inside out upside down any way you can imagine. He's a highly educated intelligent man but that made no difference. Keeping someone with these issues at home will wear you out and down and you'll eventually be running for the nearest exit.
We had John Hancock LTC also and were very disappointed in it. They were very picky about what they'd pay. He'd have been better off stashing his money away years ago in a good interest-paying account where he could get it when he needed it with no middleman to screw things up.