My wife, 71 has lost all interest in anything other than walking up and down our street. She has wandered on 2 occasions when I had to call the police to find her. I have recently placed an air tag on her shoe that shows her location, but still, I cannot keep her home, and I cannot assure her safety.
She refuses to shower, wash her hair or take any meds. I am at my wits end and cannot see this continuing. Placing her would break my heart, but I tell myself that she may be better off and even happier with activities and other people around her.
I know that you want your wife safe and well cared for, and at this point memory care is your only option. There she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you can get back to just being her advocate and husband. It's a win win for you both.
Will it be hard? Of course it will, but knowing that your wife is now safe and will be bathed and getting her needed medications will bring you great peace of mind.
God bless you both.
I had purchased long term care insurance years ago and started some in-home assistance. However, at one point she started acting aggressively. When I no longer felt safe sleeping in the same house with her we started looking for memory care facilities. After she attacked us twice within 2 hours the police took her in and she was sent to a state hospital for evaluation. They determined that she needed to be in a controlled memory care facility and agreed to release her as long as she was taken directly to the memory care facility we had settled on. But when she did come out from the state hospital it was like she was a different person.
For me putting her in memory care was a very difficult decision but in retrospect it was the right thing to do. Lesser options such as the adult care facility were not available due to Covid shut downs until her condition was so bad that they could not allow her in the program once they re-opened.. My life is emptier as when visiting she really does not seem to recognize us and it is hard to see my wife in her. She cannot assemble a sentence to communicate with us. All that comes out is gibberish. She had been the true love of my life (we have been married for over 43 years) and that makes it hard to continue without her as she was.
And as a later shock I got a call from Adult Protective Services. I had always been concerned that they may be second-guessing how I handled my wife through this process. However, they said that I was the one that they saw as at risk and since she was now in the memory care facility they were closing the case as I was now safe.
I will tell you that leaving him there on the first day was wrenching. I was not prepared for the look of pure sadness and abandonment. I thought he might be angry but he was just lost. I had to force myself to reason as those here have advised and to offset that expression with the terrifying images that led to this decision: lying on the street at 4:00 AM surrounded by police and EMTs because he had wandered; covered in his own waste because he had tried to cope with his own incontinence; his fury at the smallest slights and his confusion.
It hasn’t been an easy transition but we are at a point where he is accepting his new situation. Is he happy? I think there are times when he feels some degree of control and appreciation for the kind and competent people around him. He eats well, gets PT and speech therapy, sleeps well, and showers three times a week in his own apartment. Our next goal is acceptance on his part that this is his home.
I wish you strength and luck. Every response here is spot on, I now know from experience.
Every situation is unique. Telling someone else what they should do or not do when life decisions are being made is beyond my scope of expertise. However, you asked if someone had placed their spouse in Assisted Living and I did. Placing my husband improved his quality of life and saved my life.
As lealonnie posted don’t let the guilt of having to place your wife in MC delay your decision. I suspect you’re already feeling a sense of grief for anticipating your separation from her. This grief is a normal emotion. And after placement you’ll long to be with her and wonder if she’s being cared for with the compassion, love and care you gave her. But I suspect, like me, you’ll also feel a sense of relief, knowing she will be cared for and that you can take a breath. Don't think that by placing your wife in MC that you're no longer taking care of her. I assure you that by placing her in a care facility you ARE taking care of her as best you can.
Placing my wife in MC was emotionally the hardest thing I ever did, but there was no Plan B. And the word “hard” doesn’t begin to describe what you have to do for both her and your wellbeing. So take that deep breath and make the commitment to find her a caring MC facility. I wish you well.
My point is her best interests had to come first - health and safety are paramount. It doesn’t mean it’s not difficult emotionally, because it is. The thoughts - are we abandoning, failing, etc. Failure would be failing to recognize when the situation exceeds our abilities. Heck, we would move heaven and earth, if we could… but the point is, we can’t.
Health and safety. Her’s and yours, too. If she is wandering, finding a great place where she is safe, in the right environment with the right care, and you can visit, is going to benefit her the most. Plus you need your rest in order to advocate for her in other ways, and for you to stay healthy.
My best to you both.
Yes, I did it for my wife of 55 years. It is selfish to hang on to something that is gone and you know it is gone yet your heart sees the physical person and not the reality of someone that is no longer occupying the physical body you know so well. You have to learn it.
My wife has been in MC for 6 weeks now and I visited her everyday for the first 4 weeks and have learned to try every other day but will also cut that back. I was her full time caregiver for approx. 4+ years and the disease finally stole her from me.
Like everybody told me but I didn't believe it, she has made new friends and may not even know there names but the attachment transfer is definitely there. You will be amazed at what the inner self finds to compensate for the loss of memory. It is a way and despite the incredible cost, it has saved my life and sanity for the remaining family I have and love.
I often say that dementia is a fate worse than death and it is....but who would choose that? Not me....I have my love and my memories and just hope and pray that my wife will be comfortable, satisfied and happy for as long as she is able to find compensation in what has been placed on her. With death, it is definitely over....with dementia, you are in a fight that you are going to lose. You can't help your loved one (other than MC) but you can and should help yourself.
If you just can't stand it, you can always take her out of MC care. But you will be signing your own extended misery.
I wish you luck!
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