I am a realist and can deal with the fact mom is at end of life, but the family dynamic is having an negative effect on how I'm able to deal with it. The stress I'm under is immense and I've become almost obsessive over how to deal with the family members involved. When I need to discuss with those involved what the plan is for the future, they simply refuse to discuss it, or if I mention a concern or a hard time, it is just ignored, like I'm being gaslighted and too negative about what's really happening with mom. I can't move past it. The resentment towards them keeps building. I've got to find a way because the path is only going to get harder as she gets closer to the end and even after she's gone and what that will entail. Anybody had or done anything that helps with the extreme anxiety?
i was caring for my dad till his death 3 years ago (vascular dementia and a missed tumour in the bladder) now caring for mum who has Parkinson’s whilst still trying to work (self employed)
I am on a small dose of SSRI
i went on them around 2.5 years ago and am gradually weaning off. My GP and counsellor have said now isn’t the right time as Mum is declining
what I do for my work is holistic - i know what helps and what doesn’t help in these situations but when it comes down to it sometimes we need a crutch. I agree that some things need to change in our lives to take us forward but that crutch can often help.
its an individual decision and there isn’t a right or wrong answer and there should never be any judgement
wish you well x
Regarding family, you're not clear as to what form that dynamic takes, as well as how exactly the "obsessive" way you are dealing with family manifests itself? Are you ordering them? Do you perhaps expecting them to be clairvoyant? I can be guilty of that, as in, "can't they see what's needed"? And, about those you mention who are "involved"...involved how? With care, or simply by virtue of being blood relations?
When it comes to jumping in and making themselves available, it is a rare family that pitches in harmoniously. Could be you're the only one to have the moral and intestinal fortitude, even as physically exhausted as you have become, to have volunteered and stuck with it. Maybe you always lived w/mom and so the naturally presumed one to do it all. Again not enough info.
Some family members will not acknowledge a need, or are willing to make the effort. Imagine a world where everyone is heroic. Doesn't exist.
Perhaps what would help is if you took a hard look at your expectations. Are you truly surprised by the behavior of those involved? Also important is that you must realize who you are too.
If you are obsessive, perhaps you have trained those that may have otherwise helped want to head for the hills rather than subject themselves to a hellish job plus your fault finding. "Obsessive" over how to deal with family, this statement sounds slightly alarming. Ditch obsessive. Again, I may have gone down the wrong path for lack of clarity/info in your statement. At any rate, think like a rat in a maze. If you hit a wall go down another path to find the cheese or in your case help.
You are over tired, much worried and although I've known many caregivers who took a little something (meds) to take the edge off, I only see it causing other problems.
Are you the sole person in-charge of care, paying bills, shopping, cleaning and cooking? Then you call the shots.
If you need help from "those involved" sometimes all that's needed may be for you to express it clearly. Can I count on you for help on Tuesday? Fred's coming Friday. Make sure you schedule time out for your health. Take a hike or an afternoon at a spa.
If you know NO ONE would volunteer then learn this great lesson about YOURSELF for your future happiness. You are becoming a giant. You'll better seek like-natured people for your better future.
I've got a small feeling that you may be an in-charge micro manager, and may not be aware of it. You may need to consider getting hired help. And btw, thoughts of " it's going to get even harder after she's gone", let a lawyer duke it out with vultures who appear after the fact. Smile and repair yourself is the name of the game from now on.
Again, forgive me, I may have completely missed the mark...still I've seen people fall apart from anxiety but if you mask it rather than become the solid BOSS of you life, you're going to respond this way to almost anything you fixate on later and on to your grave. In addition, you will hold a gnawing self destroying grudge in your gut that will be just one more thing to suffer and believe it when I tell you it'll be your fault for doing it to yourself.
Think back to who taught you, from their reactionary examples while you were growing up, that anxiety is a way to react. Did they garner attention by this behavior? Was this their go to tool to manipulate others? They did you a disservice. Free yourself. Your the boss.
more dangerous than any medication.
I assure you that people with anxiety and/or depression have summoned what little reserve they have to ‘be the boss’ of their lives. And when they just can’t do it, people tell them they just need to think better thoughts and meds are just masking emotions. So they keep suffering and feel like failures for not getting themselves together. And they keep spiraling down.
MEDS DO NOT MASK ANYTHING.
MEDS ARE NOT THE EASY WAY OUT.
i am so tired of the stigma placed on psychiatric meds. It’s bad advice like this that can quite literally kill someone.
Some things to know about meds:
They are not meant to make you happy. Nor are they meant to numb you to emotions. They can't make your problems go away. So many people refuse this help because they think it just masks things, that it's fake happiness, or that it's just a way to avoid working on the underlying issues. These are all FALSE!
There is no need to suffer so much when you don't have to.
What they can do is make your emotions and problems easier to handle. It stops things from swallowing you whole while you’re in the midst of it.
They are meant to soothe, not sedate!
Medication.
Talking to a therapist or counselor that will LISTEN, not gaslight you, provide a sounding board for you.
You are probably dealing with people that are in denial.
I do hope that you have Hospice helping you navigate this difficult time. The Hospice Team is also available for the family to help them come to terms. The fact that once Hospice is involved it alone can make the situation more "real" if that makes sense.
SHE SAID NO.
At that point I cracked the whip. Told her I never took pills and never asked for pills, and that I was an old retired RN. I finally said to her "I am not STUPID; if I have to get these on the street I will be able to, and I won't be asking for a measely TEN PILLS".
At that point she gave them to me.
I can only say if you need help then get it and advocate for yourself. I was offered therapy but I fear I know too much about it, and basically you come down to them getting you to a point where you face the same problems but are more "OK with them". With all the platitudes of "Are you taking care of YOU? " "Are you making good plans for YOURSELF". And so on.
We are all different. We are all shaken by this stuff and different strokes for different folks works. You need to have moments of calm in these bad weather days. I wish you luck in advocating for yourself. Do what works for YOU.
Perhaps also seeing a therapist to help you find ways to set boundaries with these family members . The boundaries are to protect you .
Do you really need to discuss things with people who don’t want to discuss, or do you just feel obligated to keep them informed ?
If you are POA , then you just do what you think is best . You can’t force people to be involved.