Have gone no contact with NPD mother with dementia and feeling worried and guilty. Any advice?

What I learned from decades of dealing with a mentally ill and abusive mother is this: it's a lose/lose situation tygrlly. It truly is. We are damned if we do & damned if we don't. No matter what, we LOSE. We work our butts off to make them happy, it backfires, so we back off a bit and that blows up in our faces. So we tiptoe back in to try and 'fix' what they claim we 'broke' in the first place, which we didn't, and then listen to histrionics which make us realize why we backed off to begin with. And so it goes, on and on, until one day, we break. We say ENOUGH and we go no contact or low contact or whatever, and STILL the guilt permeates. It's how the game plays out, unfortunately. Between the histrionic personality disorder that underlies everything, and then the dementia that overlays THAT, phew, there's a big MESS to deal with whereby everybody loses. Even mom.

Accept the fact that you WILL feel guilt in this situation, you WILL feel loss, you WILL feel like The Bad Guy b/c you've been conditioned to feel precisely THAT. You will feel worried and scared that mom is somehow not okay and 'needs you' and you're not there. But it's not true, any of it. It's all the illusion they've created to make us FEEL beholden to their every whim at every moment. The reality here is something entirely different. She's fine. She's always been fine. She's like a cat who always lands on her feet, dementia or no dementia. She's got flying monkeys to do her bidding, people who will move heaven & earth to make sure she's fine and looked after, etc. She's living in managed care of some kind, so she's looked after. That's ALL you need to remind yourself of. And find some coping techniques to manage YOUR anxiety, b/c SHE is fine.

You've allowed her to destroy ENOUGH of your life already. Stick to your guns now and let her be. Stop trying to get her to be someone she cannot EVER be, especially now with dementia. Even your dear father told you not to let her destroy you, so please don't. Stay with the program, get the therapy you need, and live your life now.

Absorb the grief and the worry and the stress you feel and find a way to manage it, that's my recommendation, from someone who gets it. The truth is, there's no real and total relief here until mom passes away. And if you don't get your head straight NOW, once she does pass, you'll likely be consumed with 'guilt' over what you 'didn't do' when she was alive. Come to terms with all of this NOW, so you're able to give yourself permission to LIVE free and clear of all this BS you've put up with your whole life. It's your turn to live now. So do it.

I am so sorry you're going through this. You're on the right track by setting up counseling for yourself, but what about now? "With Christmas so close" you are worried and guilty. So what - Christmas? It's just another day. Logically it has no bearing on making you feel guilty. Worried? APS has her covered and you're off the hook. They're so busy taking care of people they don't have time to call everyone and say, "Hey, your mom drank all her prune juice and smashed the glass on Santa's head." Would you want to hear what she's doing anyway? I don't think so. It's boring when you get right down to it.

Let her be where she is - no news is good news - and you have a merry Christmas with your husband. It's a time of comfort and joy, dancing reindeer and elf on the shelf (okay, maybe not, but pretend). Meanwhile mom is somewhere else getting her St. Nickers in a twist because they never do enough for her, and she'll continue doing that until her last breath. At least it won't be under your roof. (Up on the housetop, click click click.)

huggggg.

your father apologized to you on his deathbed and told you not to let her destroy you.

listen to your sweet father. he loved you.

I think when you're dealing with mental illness, really any sort of mental illness, there is a compulsion to try and come up with rational explanations for irrational acts. Whether it's dealing with family members behaving like your mom all the way to extraordinary acts of violence, we tend to want to rationalize, even to ourselves, what drove that person or persons to behave in such a way. And then the thought "I/we should be able to fix this or to have prevented it in the first place" starts to worm its way into our heads, and the next thing you know, we are blaming ourselves for something that we have/had absolutely no control over.

Some things are unfixable.

There are people in this world who cannot be fixed. Nor do they want to be fixed.

There are people in this world who *enjoy* causing misery to others. Whether or not that's an offset of some mental illness or not doesn't mitigate the fact that they *enjoy* causing misery to others. And not everyone who enjoys seeing others in misery is necessarily mentally ill; I could never understand, when reading history, how there were so many people who would go to see someone tortured and executed like it was a form of entertainment. Or watch people torn apart in a gladiator ring, or anything of that sort.

You can feel sorry for your mom for her mental illness; but that doesn't obligate you to be her punching bag, either verbally or physically. I doubt very much that you have "Everlast" printed across your chest. You have done way more than you were ever obligated to do. You have nothing - and I repeat, NOTHING - for which to feel guilty.

(((hugs)))

Why don't you just let her become a ward of the state? That way you're off the hook for any of her needs and it will be your choice whether or not you choose to have any contact with her.
It may be helpful to inquire with the administrator of the AL she lives in on what they think about the state becoming your mother's conservator. She will be safe. Her needs will be met, and she will be placed in the care level she needs.
As for your feelings of guilt. I want you to go find somewhere quiet and comfortable. Maybe make yourself a nice coffee or cup of tea, or a soda. Maybe a glass of nice Highland single malt straight up neat... Then sit down. Don't put the tv on, don't look at your phone, don't pick up a book or magazine. Just sit down.
Now start thinking about the situation with your mother. Forget about her broken dementia brain yada, yada, yada. She's been a nasty piece of work her entire life anyway. Just put that aside for a moment.
Now take a sip (beverage of your choice) and ask yourself if in truth do you have any reason to feel this guilt? Have you commited any acts of wrongdoing towards your mother that you should have guilt for?
If after serious logical consideration and soul-searching you come to the conclusion that you've really done nothing wrong, force yourself to dump that guilt. Allowing guilt to make a place in your mind when you've done nothing to deserve it is like a person being falsely convicted of a crime and sentenced.They don't deserve punishment for the crime they did not do. You don't deserve it either.
Please don't sentence yourself to life in guilt without parole for deciding to choose yourself, your man, and your life over your mother's abusive neediness and dementia.

You've done enough for her.

You've helped her enough.

You've tolerated her abuse for long enough.

Enough is enough.

She is being 'cared' for, and she's safe, so that's got to be your takeaway and the best you can offer.

If she CHOOSES to be a PITA while living in a NH, and she wants to be miserable, the let her.

My MIL is completely alone. She hates everyone but her daughter. She's not even a fan of her daughter's kids or grandkids. everything life stresses her out to the nth degree and she has always been like this, just gotten worse as time has passed.

I do NOTHING for my MIL. My DH does as little as he can possibly do, b/c everything comes with a battle and nastiness and he is sick of it after 71 years of her being her.

I don't when his 'AHA' moment came, but it was a few years ago when he realized he couldn't help her, she didn't WANT to be helped and there was literally nothing he could do for her.

There is no point in telling a person who has some form of mental issues that they in fact, have them. That would require a level of insight they simply don't have.
Trust me--I've got over 20 years of therapy under my belt. Nobody changes unless they WANT to.

My dear, you don't try to get people to "acknowledge" their dementia.

You also need to stop looking for validation from your mother, even if she ISN'T a narcissist.

You have tried to help your mom. She isn't accepting your help. Maybe accepting help from a loved one is hard for her.

So now you are going to try a different technique. You are going to try to allow others to help her. You've informed the director where she lives, APS and her pastor that you won't be supplying her with food at your expense any longer. You shouldn't have to pay for your mom's food. She can afford her own food. You need to take care of YOUR needs first.

Relinquish the reins. Let others take over.

Tygrilly,

Your story is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry that you have endured this situation for so many years.

Please don’t jeopardize your own health and peace of mind by continuing on at this pace.

I’m not judging your actions. Many of us have been stuck in a rut before realizing that our actions were completely futile.

I will share something with you that my husband said to me when he saw how exasperating it was for me while I was caring for my mother living in our home.

My husband said, “Honey, your mom isn’t happy no matter what you do or don’t do for her. So, why are you still trying to do everything for her?”

Something clicked as I heard his words. I realized that he was correct. I questioned why I was continuing to expect anything different.

There comes a time when we must realize that we have done all that we possibly could.

Your mom was always difficult and things escalated with dementia so you know that it is never going to improve, even though you desire for it to.

There is so much power in letting people ‘just be.’ You can’t change her or the circumstances. You can only change your reaction to it.

Of course you don’t like the cards that have been dealt. So, you’re frustrated, even angry. I don’t blame you.

Now move onto the next step of your life. Concentrate on you and your husband. This, I learned from my therapist, a wonderful man, who said to me very bluntly but with my wellbeing in mind, “You have more years behind you than ahead. Make the most of the time that you have left. You gave more than enough time to your mom. Focus on yourself and what matters to you most now.”

Wishing you the very best now and the upcoming new year.

Tygr:

I am going to reming you of this: "APS told me last time in June that they would not be able to contact me if my mother did not give permission."

Your MOTHER is in the driver's seat.

That's how she set this up. She's an adult, NOT your toddler.

Parents who want help are cooperative and let their kids take over (my mom). Parents who are stubborn and pretend to be independent shun their adult children and accuse them of abuse. (My DH's mom).

In the end, we have no control over which kind of parent we have. Your mom made her choice clear.

(((Hugs))).

Just a quick update ....I am a bit more relaxed after hearing back from Director and APS SW today. I knew my mother was close to being out of her incontinence pads so dropped more packages of them off at front desk ( but no groceries) where she lives and Director thanked me for doing so, and told me that she is safe, they are working with her and APS SW and affirmed that I am doing the right thing. She told me to enjoy my Christmas with hubby , and next weekend with kids. APS SW and I had really good phone call and she seems to have a clear picture on how mom can turn on and off the charm ..and sees clearly that she cannot handle her finances, and will be running out of money if she does not make some adjustments and face her reality...whether she wants to or not. SW is meeting with her again next week and will try to look at her medications. She is going to check her frig to see if she needs BASIC food ( not bakery, candy bars..which she can get at the little store there) If that is the case , I will have some BASIC groceries delivered from SHIPT. She has meals available there , but has been complaining and not eating them., even thought thye come out of her rent. She also tends to stockpile frozen meals so should be fine...The worker looked at her checkbook and told her there were no checks written to reimburse me for November groceries. SW also asked me if I was amenable to a joint meeting with her Jan 3 and my mother and staff there to come up with a concrete plan going forward, with clear boundaries and future planning. I told her I am willing to continue ordering groceries within reason online IF she relinquishes checkbook , and I have a debit card with statements coming to me so I can make sure her bills are being paid, etc. and would be glad to attend the meeting if those issues are addressed and put into effect. I am , however, not willing to visit her in person until she cooperates with her medications ( anti anxiety) and Dr plan of care, including his judgement of how soon she needs Assisted Living based on her level and progression of dementia . That will be hopefully be determined if it is found she is not complying with taking her meds. She is still independent in all her ADLS..so that complicates issue of needing Assisted Living...Mother just tried to call me , probably figured out we dropped off Poise...either to thank me or complain that they were out of Poise and I had to take her Always pads instead...one never knows how it will go.... I didnt pick up her call and not planning to call back . SW agreed with me about how stubborn and unrealistic she is about her abilities and gets testy when reminded she needs more help.....but at least I feel I have some allies going forward , and their affirmation meant the world to me, after over a week of guilt , and worrying, and second guessing myself. . I wish I would have asked for help with her a long time ago..dont make the same mistake I did..I hope you all also find some peace and can carve out a quiet place for yourselves this Christmas season ..and that the New Year brings clearer paths and fewer burdens to us all ....God Bless and stay safe and healthy..sounds like a lot of us will be having really wicked weather ahead ...): PS SORRY..so much for a QUICK update !