My father died at 82 from MRSA after heart surgery. He never came home from the hospital. I find myself feeling sad that there were so many times I complained to him about my mother. They were amicably divorced. He was remarried. She wasn't his problem any longer as she remains mine.
I get you! (((Hug)))
Self-preservation! She used every bit of her energy to keep up the image that she had the perfect home life to the public and keep our interactions with FIL as short as possible to mask the truth. DH and SIL had repressed enough of their childhoods to honestly think it was all just normal and quirky. FIL is a raging abusive narcissist.
There are times that DH, SIL, her husband(BIL) and I find ourselves feeling incredibly bad that we often thought MIL was the bad apple, because of the things that she did to protect us from FIL. At the time we didn't have the big picture. And we miss her a lot. And he is so hard to get along with and even more difficult to take care of, that I know every single one of us has said out loud at least once, and thought far more times, that it would be a lot easier to be taking care of her now, instead of him.
We feel what we feel. There is nothing wrong with how you feel about things. Your title was what caught my eye. I felt an immediate connection to the statement "losing the parent they felt closer to while the remaining parent lingers on and on". I don't have that experience on my side. I lost my dad over 5 years ago and I was close to him, but I'm closer to my mom. But DH and SIL were definitely closer to their mom. AND ALL of the grandchildren were definitely closer to their grandmother. Quite literally they are the lowest possible contact they can be with their grandfather and still be considered in contact with him. He has caused too much damage. And by all rights - even the doctors say they don't know how he is still around- yet truthfully - there is nothing actively right now that is speeding anything up - he has plenty of things wrong but nothing that hasn't been a problem for years - since before MIL passed away.
It probably sounds callous - but I do think there is something very difficult when you lose the parent you are closer to and are left to care for the one that you don't have the best relationship with. You could commiserate with your closer parent and now you miss not only that relationship in general, but also that ability to talk through your feelings with someone who understood and didn't judge your feelings.
No matter what you feel - you are entitled to your feelings. It's ok to feel bitter or angry or sad. It's ok to miss your father and wish he was here. It's ok to wish your mom was someone else's problem. And I imagine your dad understood. As a parent, I listen to my daughters complain about things all the time. I consider it part of my job. And I don't think you stop being a parent just because your kids become adults (mine are both young adults now). I think you just change HOW you parent. Your entire job becomes listening. Your dad knew that was what you needed. And you never know- maybe that was how you made him feel needed.
Big hug
My partner listens to a LOT about his ex and her machinations. To tell the truth it has little effect on him and he enjoys hearing about the by now old gal. We kind of get to almost feeling affectionate in some ways about the old relationships that didn't work. Esp when we are all older, and aware of that ticking clock. We have even said to one another when an old spouse is being troublesome to our kids (now kids in their 60s) "But I kind of feel SORRY for him (her?) at this point.
Time heals all wounds. Wounds all heels. And on we go.
I recently lost my brother at only 65. His son turned 35 this month. His parents were divorced. His mom was/is very difficult. His dad/my brother always had his son’s back. They were best friends and business partners. Your question made me think of how alone and lost my nephew will be without his dad.
My brothers children asked him once why he continued to take care of their mother even though they didn’t live together. He told them, so you won’t have to.
I’m sure your dad understood when you complained about your mom. A couple can divorce and move on. Not so easy for the children. Big Hugs to you Riverdale.