Eight weeks ago my mother in law was walking, albeit precariously, with her walker. She had several falls and worried us to death by getting up on her own. She got a hospital bed through hospice and now she is confined to bed, except when we help her up to the recliner. She cannot get up on her own anymore. She is confused most of the time now, and I can deal with that when she is content, but being confused and distressed is definitely the hard part. Yesterday she was crying out, Help me! I need to get out of here! I’m dying. I’m so afraid!
We prayed together, as I strongly desire for her to be comforted in her fears and she is also a praying person. But we also went with medication to help calm down the outburst. So then she was just sleepy. This situation can be depressing. I’m sure there are others out there experiencing similar things. This is not so much a question as it is reaching out for moral support.
Since she is a praying person, I have a couple of suggestions:
1 - Read the Bible to her. I like the gospel of Luke since this gospel had Jesus talking to so many different types of people, including a lot of women.
2 - Read or watch the movie "Heaven Is For Real." It is about a little boy who died for several minutes on an operating table and came back with amazing stories about heaven and the people he met in heaven. It may help your MIL - and the family - to feel more comfortable about dying if she knows what can await her.
3 - Ask her what she is afraid of. Praying is fantastic help, but dealing with fear may be what is needed to relieve the distress. If she feels she is not going to heaven, ask her to talk with Jesus about this and to accept His offer of help. If you are not comfortable talking about this, ask a pastor from a Bible-based church to talk to her about this.
4 - Anti-anxiety medication can help her to relax but will tend to make her sleepy. Near the end of life, most people tend to sleep most of the day. Hospice staff can advise you to make sure she has very little pain or discomfort.
5 - For yourself and any other friends/family that are having distress about her dying process - join a grief group. I like GriefShare since it is full of others who are processing the loss of loved ones. They can offer the best advice on ways to cope.
I adored my father. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with your dad.
I think my dad knew during his final hospital stay, that he wouldn’t be returning home. He died in the hospital.
I'd spoon feed him, sometimes he'd puke all over me. I'd just laugh and say "Betcha I puked on YOU a lot when I was a kid"...making a yucky situation better. I rubbed his legs and back. Kept him calm and watched RoadRunner cartoons. When he had his lucid moments I reveled in those.
As he declined, he was asleep more and more (and it was not due to increasing the morphine, it was his body shutting down). We were quiet when he was quiet, talkative when wanted that. He had me sing to him, sometimes, for hours.
I have THE sweetest memories of being a part of ushering him into the next life. It was beautiful and sweet.
I realize that not everyone gets the passing that they'd choose, but for dad, by understanding what he wanted and needed and being calm and patient FOR him, helped him tremendously.
For me, b/c I am a woman of faith, dad's death was a glimpse into eternity. I KNOW his mom and sister came to 'get him'. What a sweet blessing.
I’m also glad that you could pray together and have that comfort.
May God continue to guide you.
If you have not already done so, have her checked for a uti. This could be the source of added confusion. It was for my mom.
Sending you both a hug.
I even put a gel pad on top to try to help it be more comfortable.
I ended up letting him sleep in a regular bed for awhile then bought him a new automatic recliner and he liked it so much, he even sleeps in it.
The only times he's not in it is when he gets his sponge baths, Cathiter changed, goes to the bathroom, eats at the kitchen table.
He's happy to be around people.
He doesn't like being by himself.
He's not on any med's at all and he has dementia and has short term memory loss, can't remember 5 or 19 minutes.
When he is awake, he is constantly saying What Do I Do Now?
other prases I'm hungry, I want a snack, I have to go to the bathroom, I'm tired and just want to close my eyes and rest.
Yes it can be very annoying to have to hear him non stop while he's awake but at 96 he sleeps on and off all day.
I wouldn't give meds unless the person is in pain as they can trigger all kinds of things including depression and suicidal thoughts plus keeping you groggy all the time which can make you paranoid and it can be scary.
I find it best to let them do whatever they want as long as it isn't hurting themself or someone else.
At this age I feel they deserve it.
My Dad eats whatever he wants as it's nonsense to have him on some kind of strict diet at his age.
If my Dad wants a snack every couple hrs he gets one
If he wants to watch TV at midnight he watches it.
Try Playing music for your loved one, it can be very soothing and good therapy.
Also, my Dad loves his feet massages, puts him right to sleep.
Juse remember it might be annoying to hear what do I do now repeatedly but I try to just think of it as when you were a little kid and was always asking What's This, Why, When are we going to get there, I'm bored, What can I do, ect
If you're going to have someone on meds, they might as well be in a Nursing Home because that's exactly what is done there so they are less trouble and bothersome.
I know it is bothersome but find ways to entertain them and remember, they won't be here much longer and when their time on earth is up, you won't have any regrets.
Do unto your loved one as you would want your lived one doing unto you.
Prayers
It is or can be distressing particularly if your loved on can not express their fears or concerns.
The anti anxiety medication does help and take the edge off. And as a side bonus when MIL has less anxiety or stress it makes her caregivers less anxious as well.
She needs comfort and reassurance. Hold her hand tell her she is safe.
And "hold her hand and tell her she is safe" is dear advice. You always have a such good perspective on our difficulties. Thank you for wise and calming advice.