She is 97 years old has been in the nursing home for 6 months. She was living alone until she broke her hip. She underwent surgery, but was not able to start walking again. She was showing signs of dementia before the surgery, but it is worse now. Some days she is totally out of touch with reality. She was very unhappy when she was first in the nursing home, so he thought we should go every day for a while until she got adjusted. We live only 10 miles away so that that is not a problem. She is still not happy and is not going to be no matter what. We are both 72. I have RA, but it is well controlled. He had an aortic aneurysm repair a year ago and recovered well. But now that we are in the stressful situation of dealing with her on a daily basis, his blood pressure has gone up and he is now on blood pressure medication and cholesterol medication. He has also been sick for the last month with colds, sore throats and congestion. I'm sure it is all stress related. I can't get him to stop going there every day. I go with him just to make the visits easier for him because I can handle the stress better than he can. I've just come off of 8 years of helping with my own mother. We have fallen to a pattern of going right after lunch every day and now she is waiting when we arrive and if we get there later, she starts with "Where have you been?" And so on. I am beginning to resent having to plan my life around these visits. It has been 6 months since I have had a whole day to myself. If this is selfish, I'm sorry, but I like to do my own housework, shopping and want to be involved in church activities. I thought about telling him we could alternate our days going, but I really don't like going to see her by myself. She wants me to take her somewhere and I can't because she is in a wheelchair, she is heavy and I can't handle her. Plus she would want to go the bathroom somewhere and I can't handle that either. He can't take her anywhere either because he is not to lift more that 50 pounds and she is a dead weight getting her up and down. At the home, she does not want to participate in any activities. I think we need to back off going every day so she will decide to do things and not sit there and wait for us. She has a cell phone and on the few days we did not go due to doctor's appointments or something we had to do, we would tell her we were not coming and she would call asking where we were. I don't want to refuse to go with him because I don't want to add to his stress. His brother also goes to see her every day, but he only stays a few minutes. We stay about an hour and a half and she still tells people we don't come often or stay more than a few minutes. She does not have anything really wrong with her physically so I am afraid this may go on for a long time. I tell him she is killing him. Maybe not, but it IS dominating our lives.
My hubby's uncle moved out of state about 25 years ago. We never saw him, literally. He had a bad fall and his sons brought him back "home" and had to place him in an NH. He had about 3 "death's door" type declines, and every time my hubby would race to the NH. Uncle didn't recognize him, or anyone else. When he finally died, my husband said he was "devastated". I was agog. I asked him why...and he just said he hadn't been a good nephew. He really beat himself up over it. It was just really, to be honest, ridiculous. We had a trip planned and he cancelled so he could go to the funeral and was angry at ME because I went ahead of him on the trip (having only met his uncle once or twice in my life!!).
I think it was the grieving he DIDN'T do when his own father died. Not a tear for his father, but took 3 days off work due to his "grief" over this uncle who had not even been a part of his life.
I think your hubby is being *bullied* and allowing it---be firm and loving with mom, but let the other brother visit on the days you don't. Coordinate the week with brother and don't answer the calls from mom.
This is not going to get better unless you make it be so. If mother ever goes into an NH, I won't visit her everyday. You said you didn't before the fall, go back to the less frequent visits and allow her to adapt to the new surroundings.
Let him go alone sometimes as you are becoming an enabler to hubby - once in a while have YOUR activity that you need to skip the visit [special baking, hair or dr app't, etc] - it's time to cut the apron strings -
You [& hubby] should NOT be going when you have a cold, sore throat etc as that can spread like wildfire & compromise others who won't be able to fight off the bug - where my parents are there is a big sign 'do not to enter if you are sick' - I am surprised that staff haven't talked to you both to stay away when sick
You are not being selfish rather you are realistic & hubby has blinders on about his mom - what can you talk about for 1 1/2 hours daily? that's 10 1/2 hours a week! - you may find that the quality of the visit increases when the frequency decreases as you will have more to talk about - if he needs to, have him call on days he doesn't go but at various times so MIL won't stay to get the call but rather will participate in communal activities
A suggestion is to COMMUNICATE . One person at a time visits, evaluates and assesses her for proper care. Does not need to be the same time of the day. Does not need to be a lengthy visit.
During an upcoming visit say you left something in the car - whatever - and talk with this person and explain how the daily visits are negitivly effecting your hubby and your relationship. See if they might be willing to take hubby aside on an upcoming visit and present the idea that the daily visits are keeping his mother from better adjusting - would he be willing to cut back to a few times a week - just for awhile to see what happens? But it should at least be for two weeks to give it a fair shot.
If this is doable I'll bet that after the two weeks hubby will maintain the new schedule.
I'd also suggest that both of you read up on dementia. There are great books and the alzheimers werbsite has info on all dementias. Memory loss means that MIL doesn't remember that you were there yesterday. My Mom greeted me one day with 'gee I have't seen you in a long time!" I had been there the past 5 days! LOL Great ideas above too. Good luck and keep us posted.
Every day may or may not be too much for MIL but it is obviously too much for the two of you. Cut back.
Yep that's me, but I'm getting better at detaching some and I feel much better!!!
Thanks to these friends here giving advice and reading here every day ! thank you so much
I like the part about carrying germs into the residents. And if that doesn't work, I might have to let husband do it alone. He may suffer, but, maybe that's what it will take for him to use some discretion and see that's it too much.
Can you hire a professional visitor to go everyday for an hour? I know some people who have done that and it worked well. They are introduced in a number of ways, not as a paid professional, but, are cheerful, kind and eager to listen to the senior. It develops in to a nice relationship. The ones I know work through an agency and these are trained professionals.
I use to visit my Dad just before dinner, then I didn't need to stay long as he would be in his walker heading down to the dining room.... that man would never miss a meal :)
Dad did have an outside caregiver from an Agency, she would come mornings only. She got him to get some exercise, and go try different things at the facility. She was worth every penny, and was with Dad for a whole year.
If it is recent, then he is likely suffering from anticipatory grief.
If it is not recent, then he is emotionally enmeshed with her as seen in fear of not keeping her happy, feeling obligated to visit every day and feeling guilt for not keeping her happy or seeing her every day.
Either way, he needs to see a therapist.
Good answer! There is not enough information, but is it possible her husband could be suffering from the f.o.g.?
Joanne, The f.o.g. is fear, obligation, and guilt.
It sounds like he's having what is sometimes called anticipatory grief.
1) People with illnesses should not bring their germs to nursing homes where the patients have compromised immunity. You said:"He has also been sick for the last month with colds sore throats and congestion."
If his brother is also going, schedule every other day, going on separate days.
Did you both visit daily when she lived alone? Isn't she basically "living" there now?
An outside caregiver can be hired to go on the days you cannot go.
Meet with the director, ask how to change your Mil's expectations of a daily visit. Start by getting her to meet you in the community room, this will get her out of her room. Does she have a roommate? Hubs should not be going in there sick.
If it boils down to you not going, save yourself first. You are amazing that you have done this for so long.