Her husband (my stepdad) died tragically over a year ago. She got into a online romance scam and gave all her savings away. Took out loans to give the scammer. She finally dropped that scammer and another scammer is involved now. I got p.o.a. but she is still asking people for loans. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Any advice?
There are studies being done to pinpoint why so many widows fall to these romance scams. One I read is honing in on the women who were very dependent on their husbands for their thought processes, well-being and financial support.
In other words not independent or worldly. Then throw dementia on top of this, a recipe for disaster.
Do what you have to do to protect her from herself, have her tested for dementia.
Yes, she will get mad at you, but so what? You are doing what is best for her.
You need to place restrictions on her computer just as you would a child.
And at some point the computer needs to go away. Either it "breaks" or it needs to be taken for "updates" and those "updates" will take a V E R Y longtime. And if she has internet on her phone that may also have to "break or need updates" as well.
With dementia counseling will not help.
She will not retain most if not all of what is discussed.
(I am actually wondering how you managed to get POA if she was already diagnosed with dementia unless an attorney during discussions felt that she was competent enough to understand what documents she was signing.)
What she's doing is a very common problem for people with dementia. Search on this forum -- you'll find scads of posts about this.
Since your authority is active (assuming she has an actual medical diagnosis), you can put parental controls on her devices so she can't access those types of sites. Or, cancel her data plan so she no longer has access. Give her a tablet loaded with games she can play. Demote her to a flip phone so she doesn't use her mobile for access.
What kind of loans did she take out? Find out what would happen if you stopped making the loan payments...she no longer needs a credit rating anyway and a bad rating may help prevent her from getting any other loans.
Contact anyone she has phone numbers for to let them know to her mental state and to not lend her money no matter what. It's a lot of work but there aren't other easier solutions.
Is she on meds for depression? Consider this, since counseling for someone with dementia will probably not be fruitful due to their losing their abilities of logic and reason, judgement and memory.
Also you should check her social security earnings at www.ssa.gov. Scammers who have her social security number can actually get into her account and have her retirement check (if she gets one) sent to their own bank account. Make sure that's not happening. If it is, you can straighten it out and report it by following instructions on the social security site.
Notify her local police. They usually can't do anything, but they will make a record of it.
There are three credit bureaus in the US - Experian, Equifax, and TransUnion. Contact them online or by phone. You can freeze her credit with them, making it difficult or impossible for her to get a loan from any financial institution.
That's a start, and as you go along contacting people, some may have some good ideas about how to protect your mom. Good luck.
As to how you can get anyone to get therapy? You can't. So you may as well stop beating yourself up and arguing with her. It will just send her to her computer and phone all the more. Attempt to get her on some other interest. Album making. Knitting class. Volunteering. Church activity. Something to engage her.
This is a matter of self-comforting for her now. It keeps her mind off all the losses she has sustained and all the losses to come.
I also suggest you read this 33 page booklet to learn all about dementia. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck.
I doubt if any bank will loan her money now. Tell friends and relatives not to loan her money. You will take care of her needs. If she has outstanding loans out there, you may have to declare her bankrupted. Make sure u report these scams so there is a record. If Medicaid is needed, the money she gave could be considered a gift and there will be penalties.
Mom can no longer make informed decisions. So its all up to you now. Its not what she wants, its what she needs.
As far as counseling: My Dh always thought he'd have forever to talk his mom into getting some therapy for her over the top anxiety and anger issues.
Well--she's 93 and has severe dementia. He admitted the other day that she is 'gone' and can't remember anything from day to day. His hope of her having some kind of 'aha' moment before she dies is not going to happen.
If you haven't gotten a troubled relative into therapy before the slide towards the end is well established, it's pointless. Dh thinks 'she's crazy' when the truth is she has dementia--IDK what level, just that she no longer can make any decisions and DH is having to step up as her PoA and he hates it.
Therapy doesn't help with dementia. My Dh keeps thinking he can 'talk' her better--but in reality, talking about past events and relationships makes her angrier and worse than just going along with her circuitous way of thinking. And she has always been that way--so to see her becoming more and more impaired is like watching her just become MORE like herself. Nothing to be done, really. Just keep her comfortable and don't pick fights.
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