My mother is almost 95 and lives alone since my father died six years ago. I have been overseeing her home and have people coming in to clean and shop and prepare her meals and keep her company.
The back story is that six years ago, he was convicted of a felony for stealing from her. He was under probation and no contact was allowed. She bitterly disliked him and wanted nothing to do with him. Now, she is getting dementia, and can't remember that he stole from her. And he has gradually started coming to visit her. She wants the visits, because she is "so lonely". (but actually she has people there five days a week, at least). I don't think she can even remember visits. She is very needy.
He is telling her I am going to "institutionalize" her, and throw her in a nursing home. And telling her I harass him every time he comes to visit. Which isn't true because I literally have had no contact in the past 6 years.
I am finding out what he is saying from my aunt. My mother is keeping this recent stuff a secret from me.
I would like any input on how to get this to stop. It isn't productive, and truth be told, she will need to go to assisted living in the not too distant future, because of dementia, physical issues, and just not being able to live on her own. BTW, I do have financial power of attorney. My other two siblings are out of state and not really involved.
Get in touch with an elder law attorney NOW. Do not wait. You say her grandson is "in real estate" and he's "started calling someone to do something at the house." You also stated, "Her other caretakers have been there, and have heard him say stuff about finding buyers for her house (he is in real estate).
Bottom Line: he is getting emboldened."
Yes, he IS getting emboldened and it's escalating." If he knows what he's doing, he could be looking to file a quick claim deed and sell your mother's house right from under her. She sounds as if she can "show time" really well in front of others (sounding competent and convincing) and there's no reason not to assume grandson could take her to a lawyer and convince her sign a new DPOA or any other legal document (including a new will). She sounds lonely and, of course, welcomes grandson's attention (even if it riles her up with him telling her lies).
GET TO A QUALIFIED ELDER LAW ATTY NOW! Tell him what is happening. You have no idea what he us capable of if he has financially abused her in the past.
Bottom line is you're going to have to get WAY more hands on than managing from afar in this situation. If your Mom is 95, I'm assuming you are retired? Bite the bullet and make an extended visit to her house. Get her siblings involved (your Aunt/Uncles) and have an "intervention" with her. Let them see for themselves how she is living and what you have done to keep her safe. It also sounds like your siblings are leaving everything up to you as they don't want to be involved.
It sounds like she has dementia-like symptoms and is not capable of understanding the consequences of her actions. That alone would be reason enough that she cannot continue to live at her home alone and at the mercy of predatory people. Whether she likes it or not, she's depending on YOU (as DPOA) to act in her best interests. Be the bad guy. So what? Do what you have to do without guilt. Trust me. I've had to do it.
This grandson needs a "wake up call" to back off through an attorney's letter, an order of protection from a judge, and/or a visit from local law enforcement. Plus you "texting" him is pointless. You need a face to face with this guy and bring someone along as a "witness" to what is said. Perhaps when he's "visiting" Grandma.
He's up to something and he's turning your Mother w/dementia against you. As I said, it's not safe she lives alone. She needs to be moved for her safety. It is what it is.
I am concerned about her refusal to ever leave her home. Obviously she has too. She can barely get up ( I just bought a nice lift chair for her, which she wouldn't agree too!!!!) Now, she loves it!
I have some new ideas on how to take care of stuff, with all the great responses from the forum.
She may not remember but, his record is proof for the law.
Your POA should give you the legal authority to do this, as in her right mind she wanted no contact with this person.
I have a durable power of attorney. Which indicates I am supposed to do her wishes, (I believe???)
Also, in a good residential environment she can make real friends, AND be appropriately cared for. DOUBLE WIN.
Like a predatory python, slithering in to encircle her house.
Throw the full weight of the law against him asap. Whatever type of restraining order is available.
Seen it before. Once they find the money is held tight, they slide off to find new prey.
If needed, move Mother into care for 'respite' for safety until this danger passes. Kind of cruel to be kind.. since you arrange all her services, a break may be needed by all of them all together & since Mother cannot live alone - respite care it is. See if any of the ALs you liked could take her shortish term - 2 weeks or 2 months, for respite or even a trial.
More importantly, your mother is showing signs of being unable to live alone any longer; in fact, she shouldn’t be alone at all anymore. Along with the memory and functional loss of dementia, come other losses, including smell and taste. It is not unheard of for people with dementia to drink liquids such as household cleaners, because they cannot taste them. It is not uncommon for people with dementia to not smell things like a burning pot on the stove, which can cause a house fire. You said your mother‘s 95th is coming up shortly, so using her own words, plan on moving her as a birthday present to a wonderful new life. You will have to upsell the social aspect of assisted living. There is plenty of medical documentation showing how seniors thrive better in a community environment of assisted living than they do living alone in their homes. Personally go check out the assisted-living residences in your area, including the surrounding towns, and find the three best to show to your mother. Tell her you think she will be much happier living with a community of people and can play lots of bridge. Tell her her friends will be able to visit her at her new place and she will be able to go to the bridge parties with them . Also, tell her it is for her own safety. Accept that she will be angry with you, but it is your duty as her POA to keep her safe.
You can find information on how to select the appropriate home from the Alzheimer’s Association and from your local area Agency on Aging.
"Mom, you are no longer safe at home. Pick one of these ALs to move to on July 1 or I'm done and will resign my POA. You can manage your own affairs and let yourself end up robbed blind by your grandson and in the county nursing home as a ward of the state. Or you can go to one of these nice ALs and have all your needs taken care of."
I don't provide care for folks who abuse or bad mouth me.
I am going to print out your speech. This whole situation is getting so old and tiresome!!
Do the real estate licensing people know about his conviction for theft? From his *grandmother*, yet? I know the profession isn't the most highly esteemed of all for its ethics, but this almost sounds like satire.
Another scam he might try is to get her to sign a new will or POA, written by and attorney he knows. Her dementia needs to be medically documented. If it hasn't been, get her PCP to do a MoCA or similar screening and record that. If the PCP can't Mom needs a geriatric specialist who can address this.
When the grandson gets her riled up try saying, "Mom, you know he is just teasing you." Blow it off. Don't feed into her distress. If he is the one who upsets her and you make her feel calm and secure you will more easily maintain control.
Document her reactions after he visits. Try to establish a pattern of his getting her agitated. See if her aids can take her BP and show it is elevated after his visits. If she isn't eating or has accidents after he is there these are also signs of physical distress. This can all be used by APS to restrict his contact.
Otherwise, do not wait any longer. From what you have described, the time is now for your Mother to move to assisted living, make her life more comfortable and secure. He can be banned from the facility.
Those of us who have seen this, experienced it will be able to give you all the signs they missed, and how they waited just a bit too long to take action on behalf of their loved one. It was more complicated after the damage had been done.
I took her to visit assisted living places two different times, have had her doctor talk to her about it. Again, she bashed me for a year, saying I was trying to throw her in a nursing home.
She did say when she turned 95 (which is in 4 months), she would leave her house. Cause that's when her mother did. But I think she will again absolutely refuse. People talk to her, but no one can get her to agree. And every conversation where you get some rational agreement is forgotten. She always says "I am doing really good for my age". I make sure someone is there to check in for 2 to 4 hours 5 to 6 days a week. And all she does is complain that she is there by herself and no company. She also goes out to play bridge two to 3 times a week. But nothing is enough when it comes to her having company. She wants the world to revolve around her