How do I acquire more patience taking care of my father in law when I don't like him as a person?

Taking care of anybody is a demanding job. When a person has Alzheimer's disease (the most common type of dementia), folks do not realize that the care demands increase with time and never decrease. That said, you may have come to realize that the your father-in-law's needs have increased and you do not have the resources to cope with it alone. Talk with your husband, just the two of you, and discuss how your father-in-law's behavior is impacting each of the family members (stress, avoidance behaviors, acting out...). Then, consider options:

1 - If family members seem happy and well-adjusted, there is no need to find another place for FIL. Consider getting more people to help with his care: family members, friends, members of faith community, paid help... The goal is to create balance in your life and your home life. Balance will look like everybody getting 7-9 hours of sleep daily, 3 regular meals, "time off" for fun, and alone time as a couple. Each person's health needs should be able to be met as well.

2 - If you, your hubby, and/or the children are not happy having a "grumpy grandpa" in the house, Consider that FIL needs some mental health counselling. You and your hubby need to talk about how to handle unacceptable behavior with boundary-setting and appropriate consequences. I like the books by Townsend and Cloud about boundaries. I suggest reading their books along with joining a counselling group or seeing a therapist to help you with implementing changes.

3 - Please take your FIL to see his doctor about his behavior problems. The doctor may refer him to a geriatric psychiatrist for behavior/mental health issues. The doctor may also refer him to a neurologist for testing for dementia. Based on their examinations, they can let you know what to expect in the future of your FILs disease processes. If dementia patients live long enough, they come to the point of needing 24/7 care. That level of care is beyond the abilities of one caretake in the home. It may be more appropriate for a memory care placement.

I agree with all the other advice here. Mine is more immediate and in the interim. Gray rock. You need to learn the technique and put it into play early and often until he moves out. It works!

The question isn't how to acquire more patience. The real question is how to remove him from your home. He's 78... he could live another 15+ years, and he is the sort who is too mean to die. That same anger kept my grandmother alive 94 years!

You had good intentions, but this is a mistake, and that happens. You gave it an honest effort with him living with you, but it is not working. You could have the patience of Jesus himself and it still wouldn't be enough to continue this.

How much hands-on work is your husband doing with him? Does he have any interest in mending their relationship? Doesn't sound like it, from what you say here. He isn't interested enough to take care of FIL, anyway. That's been thrown on you. You've been given another child to take care of.

As for your kids... I don't know their ages, but consider what they're witnessing. They're seeing their mother be disrespected by their grandfather. Do you want them thinking that this is normal? Would you like it if they grew up to have a spouse like your FIL? Because they're learning that it's okay to walk all over Mom.

If you have sons, they'll learn this is how wives/moms are to be treated. It's what women are there for, to serve and treat harshly.

If you have daughters, they'll learn it's okay to be walked upon and disrespected. That they must never show anger or emotion or objection at being mistreated. Just smile and make nice, be sweet and patient, be a people pleaser, just be quiet! Because she learned from your home that she isn't worth defending and abuse is okay.

Hey, if granddad can do it, why can't they?

Correcting them will be a lot harder since they aren't learning by example... no point in telling them to be polite, respectful, etc if it keeps happening in the home. And you keep allowing it.

You're approaching this in a casual "omg I'm exhausted haha" manner and this is concerning. It sounds like you've already gotten accustomed to being treated badly. This stuff is not a joke and I fear you're not seeing how serious this is. It's causing what could amount to permanent damage to your marriage and kids. It's already damaged you!

FIL needs 30-60 days and he needs to be out no later than that.

I actually went through this same issue with my MIL. She was a very cold and selfish person, often just plain cruel. After my FIL passed away, she came to live with us. It didn't take long to realize that was a huge mistake. My breaking point was when my son explained his "safe zones" in the house, which were basically where his grandmother wasn't. I realized my MIL had options on where she could live, our son did not. We were making his home life miserable. So, we helped her find a more suitable living arrangement. Was she happy? Not really, but she was never happy anyway. But we got our home back, and our son didn't feel a need to hide in the basement.

Put your immediate family first. You'll all be happier.

You “volunteered to take my in laws in to live with us 5 years ago”. You now know that it was a mistake. Yes, we all make mistakes. Most of the time, we don’t have to live with them for ever – we get a chance to go back, appologise if necessary, make what you now know is the best decision with the benefit of hindsight. The exceptions can be about going to jail for 20 years for murdering someone. You didn’t do that, this is not one of the exceptional mistakes that can’t be put behind you.

You can be a good human being while you go back and reconsider the choices that you made 5 years ago. You can support your husband and your children, as well as your own father. Your FIL does not NEED you to go through this. Find another option!

Perhaps your “attitude isn't what I would want if the shoe were on the other foot”. But equally, You would hope that your own attitude then isn’t what you are trying to hard to put up with now.

New plan time.

Kindest thing for all of you is to get a little space apart. Your family in your place - FIL in his own assisted living or memory care room. Where his cognitive, physical & emotional needs can be met - without undue burden to you.

Your patience with him may really improve when it is a visit instead of the daily grind.

It's time for your FIL to be found another living situation. Don't keep him in your house any longer. You state that your husband never had a good relationship with his parents and there isn't much of an emotional connection between him and them.
There's a reason for that. I'm not going to get religious on you here but there is a quote in the Bible that is very true. 'You reap what you sow'. If your husband doesn't feel any great obligation to take care of his father (or his mother when she was living), he is not wrong. You describe your FIL as an unkind, selfish, ingrate because that is what he is. You're the one taking care of him and describe him this way. You and your husband owe him nothing.
Your FIL needs to leave your home and be in a nursing home or assisted living facility. If he doesn't have money or resources to afford it, that is not your problem or responsibility. That's for your state's Department of Social Services to work out because it's their job, not yours.
It's not selfish of you and does not make you a bad human if you may not be willing to sacrifice your home, time, and family to become what I call an elder care-slave, and it sounds to me like that's exactly what you are.
You can still help and take care of your FIL, just in a different way. Finding him a new living situation that is decent will be helping and taking care of him. It will also help and take care of your husband and kids as well.

I do agree with the others that your FIL needs another living arrangement.

That said, it is important to bring up some topics:
1) does he have decent income/assets?
2) does he have other medical conditions?

If he has sufficient income to cover the cost of MC, this should be the planned new "home." Will he be happy there? Maybe, maybe not, but he certainly doesn't sound very happy now and YOU certainly aren't! Hopefully all the POA documents, will, etc have been taken care of already. POA doesn't allow you to force him to move, but with dementia there are "ways" to facilitate it. POAs merely allow you to manage finances and health concerns. IF no one has the POAs, he may be beyond capability of granting them, so guardianship would have to be applied for. Neither POA nor guardianship means you have to take care of him, they just give you the means to facilitate his care.

If he does not have sufficient funds to cover the cost of MC, then you might have to consider Medicaid. This can be highly dependent on what state you live in. Each state has it's own income limit, and most don't cover the cost of AL or MC, primarily NH. The problem with NH (and Medicaid) is there usually has to be a medical reason for needing SNF.

Navigating POAs, guardianship and Medicaid are best done with help from an EC attorney. Some will give you a free initial consult, limited, so have all questions drawn up, have some indication of income and assets, and hopefully a medical Dx. If you do end up hiring one, FILs income/assets should pay for this.

If he were to qualify for Medicaid and NH, but his assets are over the limit (~2k), you can spend it down on approved things such as a prepaid burial plan, and the cost of the facility. Once the assets are down to 2k, his regular income and Medicaid would cover the cost of the facility.

If he qualifies for Medicaid, but not the NH, you would have to explore options with EC atty and Medicaid. Some will pay for limited in-home care-givers, which could take some heat off you until he does qualify for NH. Some states do cover MC, but the facility choices are limited.

Another option: Are there any elder day care places near you? If so, even one day a week would give you a breather until you can resolve the living arrangement.

It was GRACIOUS and NOBLE of you to take in your in-laws and care for them all this time. It is especially notable since your husband, their child, had no interest in a relationship with them! Caring for elders can be challenging, but also can be rewarding, esp for the grandkids. BUT, when they are (or become) just miserable AND then develop dementia, all bets are off the table! He is NOT going to get any better, only worse, so it is in YOUR best interest to take this bull by the horns and start making plans. Even though hubs doesn't participate in the care of his father, you just might be able to offload some of the footwork needed to get information, find daycares and MC facilities, find EC attys, etc, to get the ball rolling! Since he doesn't really care for his dad, he should be willing to help get him into another place to live out his remaining time!

Keep us posted!

they are all correct.father in law needs to be in a health care facility where staff will be kind and caring 24/7. you tried your best..but one day , you will snap and say horrible things to your fil that will haught you forever..this happens all the time. I lived in a facility ...dad said that one day his daughter dropped him off at his new apartment (early stage dementia), gave him the keys and left for their florida vacation! no turning back! I got to know both father and daughter..both were great people. dad was mad but came to realize that it was best for everyone. be thankful that your husband would not fight you in finding an appropriate facility for fil :)

Let’s say that your FIL had a broken hand 5 years ago. You got him the help for that issue.
The help for the issues that you are all facing for the broken part of his body NOW, will look very different from the simple broken part of his body 5 years ago.
There is nothing wrong with trying to get help that looks different for different issues. It will just take a different approach.
You’ve been given great advice by other posters, as to how to proceed going forward.
Best wishes.

I am so very sorry that you are in this predicament.

No one ever thinks it will be as bad as it is and sometimes it ends up being worse!

I believe in miracles but I have to tell you that I don’t see a miracle appearing in this situation. It actually sounds like a nightmare!

Many of us have been haunted by continuing nightmares in our dream world.

This situation is ‘real life’ and it is long past time to wake up!

I am not judging you in any way. I was in your situation.

I had my mom living with us for 15 years. Too much togetherness is difficult, no matter who we are caring for. You have it especially hard!

I also cared for my dad and brother.

Caregiving is most definitely a challenge and can also be a heartbreaking experience.

Very often we don’t see how damaging caregiving is in our lives until we step away from it. The weight of the world is then removed from our shoulders.

Wishing you all the best.

Ha? Crikey. I'm not sure I'd still be able to see the funny side if I were in your shoes.

This has got rather beyond what is reasonable, no? - and from there, this being no reflection on you whatsoever because you are a human with human limits, it may risk developing beyond what is safe.

So. What are the options? What are you and DH thinking and saying to one another?

You are not "being an a******", you are getting what's called "burn out". Your dilemma reminds me of a bump sticker I saw that read, "The beatings will continue until the attitudes improve". You meant to do a loving and noble thing but could not have had any idea of this thing called burn out. Your well-being and that of your marriage and family come first. You've done yeoman's work to this point, so you can have peace in your heart about that much (which is a lot!). He won't improve, in fact he will get worse and worse, which means YOU won't improve. If I were in your shoes I'd find a reputable, local facility and transition him there without one iota of guilt. He won't like it and it won't "feel good" inside you for a while. But please know that things will get so much better for all involved after he's resettled.

I'm wondering why you feel obligated to continue on with his care in your house, when you yourself said that your husband doesn't have much of a relationship with him,(and he's his father, not yours) and if you're honest he probably could care less either way.
Your husband and your children should be your number one and only priority. It's time for your FIL to move out. I don't know if your husband will help you find the appropriate facility for him or not, but that needs to be done ASAP. The damage it's doing to you and your family, having him in the same house, is not good or healthy for all involved.
I wish you the very best as you find your FIL a new place to live.

I think it is a moot point who suggested the move in. I guess that gets filed with "lessons learned" and serves here as a cautionary tale. But now is the time to address what to do about it.
I would sit with my husband and explain that I cannot go on caring for his Dad. That if the Dad doesn't move now to care, you will have to consider moving as well, much as you love your husband. That you will attempt to find a home nearby during the separation, but will need a legal separation; that you will attempt to support him in ways that you are able, but that this cannot continue.
That would be me. Not a difficult decision for me, in fact. But only YOU can weigh things and make the decision best for you. What the past was is irrelevant at this time.
I wish you the very best.

These are not YOUR parents and your DH isn't doing much, if anything to help you with the constant stress and work of caring for his dad.

I highly doubt you can change HIM...in fact, if he's happy with the current dynamic, you are in for an epic fail.

Your first priority is your own family. whether you think so or not, your anger and frustration about caring for FIL is seen by the kids. And they may come to resent grandpa and how much time of yours he takes.

A big issue is that DH isn't stepping up to help. That has to rankle the soul. My Dh didn't/couldn't help with his dad at his EOL. He just fell apart and let me handle it all and then was critical of what I was doing and how I was treating him. I refused to let FIL move in with us and DH still reminds me of that, 16 years later.

Time for FIL to move to a community setting where he can be dealt with by professionals who won't crash and burn b/c one of their clients is grouchy. He probably won't be 'happy' but then, what would you expect of him? At least he'd be somewhere with safe care and 3 meals a day and probably some grouchy old guys who will be his best buddies.

Just b/c at one period of time, you felt that you could/should have MIL and FIL live with you doesn't mean it's still the best dynamic.

You'll completely burn out and he won't even notice nor care. Doesn't make him a bad person, that kind of behavior is normal, yet annoying.

Prioritize your life and put FIL where he will be 'like' the people he's around. He can still be a part of your family, wherever he goes.

Good Luck!

Having your FIL living with you when his own son has a questionable relationship with him isn't a good idea anymore, if it ever was to begin with. With worsening dementia at play, it's probably a good idea to look into placing him in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence now. When you don't like a person, and already have too much on your plate, how you can get past all the patience issues and turn into someone with a great attitude is beyond me. I could never do it, and I know that, so I placed both of my own folks in AL back in 2014 when they needed lots of care. My dad passed in 15 and my 94 y/o mother is still alive and living in the Memory Care bldg of the same ALF nowadays. With her worsening dementia and lots of other issues including being wheelchair bound, there is NO WAY I could ever care for her here at my home. It's just too much. She and I would be fighting all day long and we'd make ourselves miserable in the process of daily life.

Know yourself, know your limitations, and don't try to get blood from a turnip. Dementia usually reaches a point where in-home care becomes impossible for most of us humans, and this may be that time for you & your FIL. If placement is not possible for whatever reason, then find a good therapist who can teach you some coping skills, and get out of the house for several hours a day after you hire in-home caregivers to relieve you (or whoever is doing his primary caregiving now).

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.