A few weeks ago, my 90-year-old father-in-law was driven to my home in tears asking can he move in as he had nowhere to go and he was applying to live in residential care. He had been living with my sister-in-law, his daughter, prior to this but said he had 2 days to be out of the house. It turns out his daughter did not want him as she wasn't getting enough money from him but he was paying for his food, meals delivered to the door and the home heating. Under the circumstances, I felt I had no choice but to take the man in. Now as he is living here I am really struggling with this transition. I recently lost both of my own parents and cared for them until the end and find it very tough reliving this again in my own home as it is bringing up a lot of difficult memories of my parents' decline. As well as that there is a daily invasion of in laws and support people into my home which I'm finding really intrusive. My in-laws do and always did just walk in without warning into my home and now it feels constant. My father-in-law has 3 adult children and 3 adult grandchildren living nearby, but the only person helping with father-in-law's needs is my brother-in-law. My husband is rarely here as he is so busy with work, and I'm at home out of work left hiding half the time in my bedroom or escaping the house as much as possible. My marriage was in trouble prior to this and I was very unhappy where I was living as it is very rural and isolating and the only people living near me are my in-laws. My husband's family doesn't discuss things and from what I can see they all assume that this is the long-term solution and there is no further discussion needed on the long-term situation. Before this, I desperately wanted to move away from here but now I'm feeling completely overwhelmed with everything and feeling very trapped. I have my own health issues and this is settling me back greatly. I have 4 children of my own and my daughter is in and out of hospital with health problems also. Any advise on how I could cope with this situation would be appreciated.
The in-laws visit by walking into your home. They might use the kitchen and bathrooms. Look at the floor plan of your home. Is there one door that could be locked that leads to the bedrooms and bathrooms? Lock it.
A HOUSE DIVIDED:
Maybe put Fil in the livingroom, his bed, a commode, with a couch for visitors, and a microwave. Add a door that accesses the rest of the house and kitchen. Block access to everywhere. Sounds harsh, extreme, but the message is clear.
And people won't stay, people don't visit if it is u n c o m f o r t a b l e .
" I have no idea what happened with that idea but I will certainly be getting my husband to find out and to find out what the long term plan is."
YOU are the long term plan. The in-laws don't talk much, right? So don't expect any discussions about the long term plan to happen anytime soon. As far as they are concerned, the problem has been solved.
Kick those plans to move out in high gear. Good luck in interviews!
You didn't really say what your husband thought about this. Maybe he does work a lot, but depending on dad's condition...is he a lot of work? Sounds like you cared for your parents - in your home???? -- so if hubby was agreeable to that, maybe it is time to help hubby out now.
First thing - talk to his daughter to find out what happened. Then make a plan from there.
People use "not knowing anything, not knowing the truth" to get away with whatever they want.
Covid Quarantine
Place deliveries on porch.
Maybe you've become the perennial caregiver. "Oh, Sharon won't mind. She's use to it. That's all she does". And maybe its become your safe place although you think it's your duty.
Your sister-in-law was not getting enough money from her dad? Was money your motivation. Did SIL give you advanced notice that she was on her way to your house with him and his belongings? How is it she didn't place her dad in a facility?
I can only guess that perhaps you were still reeling from the caregiving and deaths of your parents to think straight.
Did your husband have a say about your FIL moving in? What happened to the application to the residential care you were told about the day your FIL moved in? Did you see the paper work? Did you call the facility?
Ask your in-laws to bring a dish each time they visit or to help out in another way like taking him for a ride to give you a break. Assign them little jobs like following up with research on finding a place for your FIL.
Are your in-laws always inconsiderate? Do you realize no one put a gun to you head? You do know that No is not a curse word. And if you are afraid of not being liked, sweetheart you are not liked already or they would not have done this to you. Maybe you need to communicate better. Post on sheet a list of some things you need help with.
Are you able to have an ADU built on your property for your FIL to move into? If you can, keep your door locked after he moves into it. Visitors will only go there. The Con with that is that he will be your problem. The Pro is that you can rent it out when he's no longer your problem.
Can you walk right into your in-law's homes? I suggest you start doing that regularly with FIL in tow, and right about lunchtime, tee hee.
Walking right in makes my hair stand up but my husband came from rural living background and it was not unheard of for the door to be, (as they'd say), always unlatched. Very country. But that was in-the-day. Maybe your area is still like that.
Of all the craziness you mentioned the only question you have is "Any advice on how I could cope…" Honey babe, you keep busy with things that give even the smallest sense of accomplishment. Create projects and complete them daily. Can you take a course online? Contact businesses that can train you to be an online support agent in order to work from home. Garden. Learn how to can. Go to thrift shops or garage sales for mason jars and learn about safely putting up dry foods. Go to every corner of your home and straighten, clean out and get rid of stuff. Either bring things to auctions or flea markets or donate. It's springtime, plant starter seeds with a little dirt in those little crates that eggs come in and then I think around mother's day transplant the little seedlings to a place you've prepared in your garden. Tend to that pile of papers. While you're at it take photos of important documents. Get that thing that needs repairing repaired. Get a white board, (some are magnetic so you can put it on your fridge), and dry erase markers and each evening make a list of 5 things to do for the next day. Do only as much as you can and keep adding. Clean windows, next day bathroom(s), next day sew, next day clean out the fridg. Watch YouTube how-to videos to learn, learn, learn. Read. Walk, walk, walk. Become interested, and more interesting.
Get busy.
My husband spoke to his sister to see what happened and I also spoke to my brother in law. In both cases they said she said that she was complaining that he wasn't contributing enough money to her but my brother in law says that he has always paid for his own food, his meals on wheels and pays for the familys heating oil. He is doing the same in my house so from what I can see he is not costing us anything. She has been saying he needs to be in a nursing home but he is mobile, slow and uses a stick but can get around himself and potters in the kitchen for his own needs so I don't see him as somebody who is that bad that needs to be in full time care. I can absolutely say money is not my motivation. I didn't ask for any of this. I just want my home back and to see can I get through the problems I already had without feeling further trapped here.
There was no prior warning. He came out of hospital 2 weeks before he arrived in my house and apparently himself and his daughter were fighting over money since then. She had been getting all siblings to contribute to a cleaner in her house to clean her home and she had wanted to stop paying her 3rd and the father in law to pay it instead so in that case her two brothers and the father in law would be paying for her cleaner and she wouldn't have to. Apparently he didn't agree to this and it all went downhill. So was driven to my house in tears asking for a place to stay while he applied to a nursing home. There was no prior warning and there was no discussion or planning around this and my husband and I are still trying to get our head around how this happened so fast.
No conversation has since taken place regarding the nursing home. The family don't discuss anything and I have no idea what happened with that idea but I will certainly be getting my husband to find out and to find out what the long term plan is.
Honestly, I feel sorry for the guy, especially that his own daughter wanted him out of the house because he wasn't paying enough. Sad excuse. Or was his daughter tired of her own relatives going in and out of her own house?
Those "visitors" seem to be ruining what could have been a good situation. If they have time to visit, they have time to help with Dad-in-Law's care.
I would help Dad-in-Law find senior living, so he can be around people more of his own age group. I know I own Dad was happy as a clam to find all these new sets of ears to hear his stories :)
In the mean time, see if your four children can help their Grandpa, they are old enough [you mentioned 13 to 19 years old]. I always enjoyed hearing stories on how Grandpa grew up, etc. Or start a family tree and gather info from him.
And lock your front and back doors. Ignore the knocking at the door and the door bell ringing. Is Dad-in-law using Meals-on-Wheels, or is he using a Door Dash type thing ordering from restaurants? Set a certain time that he can order meals.
Just because they’re your in laws doesn’t mean you can’t lay down the law. He is gonna be gone on June 1 as you have sick minor children to support. You will not be instilling railings or anything else to make YOUR home more nursing home like to his liking, and you will not be an open door AL for his relatives, help or no help.
If you’ve been married 20 years the minor children are issue of the marriage, correct? Heard the term being taken to the cleaners?
I’ve had the problems of living in an isolated farm, and that’s why we are (still!) in the process of moving to Alice Springs. Small town, but the CBD and lots of activities are 15 minutes down the road. You need to have plans to leave. Where could you go?
You are being too ‘nice’. Have you told your FIL that he is not welcome to live with you, and he needs to make plans to move on? If he is capable at all, he should be doing that for himself, not working on mods to your house. Be rude to him and everyone else about the way that his daughter treated both him and you. Object to the unwelcome visitors - ‘Please leave’ is nice and clear. Don’t pretend that it’s OK. It’s not. Make a fuss. Upset the family. Let the family upset your husband. Have a big row, don’t let this just slide into ‘the norm now’. Make sure that your husband realises that his marriage is up for grabs.
‘Domestic violence’ means a lot more than physical violence these days, and it includes being treated like the family slave by your husband and his relations. Phone a Domestic Violence service, and start asking questions about where you can move to with your children. Phone APS, and say that you intend to remove FIL who has nowhere else to go, whose own children have dumped him.
You are in a very difficult position, and you are the only person with the need and the ability to change it. Get help from any agency you can think of. Best wishes and good luck!
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-husband-and-i-are-starting-to-have-to-think-about-where-my-mil-wi
He was applying to be in some Medicaid snf, right, so whoever was helping him can just expedite it. Or, and don’t tell them this, but the next time dad has a fall, needs the er, you’re leaving him there for the hospital to figure out. He has six people to call, so he can call them.
The actual biological daughter dumped the dad on her with zero notice. You however will be giving notice as you only took this on for the lack of planning on her part. The notice is two months regardless of whom they are getting to come in and help or be the help. I don’t think even with round the care that op would be happy. She doesn’t have to be the center of the village.
Just a comment on that. You don't have to tolerate people walking in and out of your home. The easiest way to stop that is to lock the doors. If you have to, tape a sign to the door stating that all visitors must call before coming, and when they call, tell them this isn't a good time, and they'll have to call some other day.
There is absolutely no excuse for people being so rude, inconsiderate and irresponsible, but since you've allowed this in the past, you'll have to be the one to stop it.
Or establish visiting days and times. Another alternative is, when they call, tell them that you need help with a, b, or c....all big projects that require them to get physical, or do something besides meddle.
I did that when some church people were making nuisances of themselves. I told the husband that I needed help moving mattresses around, and found some other tasks for him. He didn't appreciate that, and his visits became less frequent.
Tell him you feel sorry for FIL but you cannot be his caregiver. You have been there and done that. That the constant barrage of people coming in and out of your home daily is maddening. You spend most of your time in the bedroom. Its no longer your home. His reaction will be your answer.
Then you start making plans. Talk to a lawyer to see what you r entitled to. Get a job. You can collect SS at 62. You get less than if u wait till 67 (100%) and still make a certain amount of money a month. Maybe you can stay with one of ur children till u get on ur feet.
I've told my husband how I feel and he knows the situation is driving me crazy and I cannot cope with living in my bedroom and escaping when I can. My car broke down the other day so I was stuck here and it drove me crazy. He gets it but he has not had the time to find resolutions and have any discussion re boundaries with his family as he is unavailable due to deadlines so I am waiting for him to deal with setting some rules and discussing the long term plan here.
Staying with my children is not an option as I am supporting them, they are 19 down to 13 and live with me and as we live in a rural place they require a lot of time driving them around. I'm trying to get work so as to get my own independence and get out of the house. I know this would be a good start in gaining some control here.
They were living in the way-back mountains of West Virginia. They couldn't drive cars to the property; they had to walk in. No phone service, etc.
Pressures mounted. She ended up admitted to a state hospital for a few months.
(What did people do in earlier generations? There have always been family matters that increase pressures, etc. I guess it must be, back then, families stayed together--extended family--and therefore the resources to spread out the responsibilities more fairly.)
It sounds like you feel setting some boundaries at this point would be futile, and ultimately, that would take care of only so much that's weighing on you.
In your place, I would feel it necessary to organize my thoughts and present them in a manner that is objective and logical, not personal or needy-sounding, and present it as "how do we move forward because it's impossible under the present arrangement, as you can see."
Choose words and phrases thoughtfully. No inflammatory words. No accusations.
In this, include options you see as viable. Including placing your FIL. Make it clear that, as family, everyone needs to offer solutions, and be a part of them.
In this, include "if this, than that" as discussion points. (If he stays here, this needs to happen; if no one helps, I can't do this b/c XXXXXXX.) From the sounds of it, though, no one will want to be invested in his care.
This is too much for one person to "cope with," as you say, and maintain any sense of well-being.
Lay it on the line (with an organized, objective agenda, as suggested) or draw a line...that he needs to be placed. Period.
This will get messy.
But if you don't take action, your burden will worsen, especially with a 90 yo.
It's harder for people to fight logic. If you present the case to be made (and a very good case you have) as emotional, that's what they'll see and hear--when they need to realize the new situation has compounded an existing situation.
My heart goes out to you. (And your FIL.)
I appreciate what you are saying and this needs a very objective plan so as I can work something out. My wellbeing is being hugely impacted by things and I find myself turning to alcohol more these day and yet I struggle so much with seeming as the bad person in all this as I feel very sorry for the way my father in law was treated by his own daughter. I would never have treated my parents like this and would do anything to have them back. All the inlaws now act like this is fine and the father in law is settling in to my place and they just carry on like nothing happened.
If your marriage was already in trouble, I don't see this working out, quite frankly. How long have you been married?
I bet it's hard living in an isolated rural area (I would absolutely hate it!). I think in-home care is probably hard to find, so any vague promises to get this kind of help aren't going to work out.
"he was applying to live in residential care."
So did he? Or did he mean he was going to, so that you wouldn't think his move-in would be permanent? Was one of his children helping him with applications?
Can you get some (at least emotional) support from your children? Since your FIL is 90, I'm assuming your children are all adults, unless you are a good deal younger than your H. Are any of your children living in your home?
One more question -- what does your H say about all of this? You have told him your great unhappiness, yes?
I'm not sure how serious my father in law was about applying for residential care. He apparently asked one of his kids to download application forms but I don't know what happened to them. I don't know if he was just saying it so that it wouldn't seem permanent or if he meant it but yesterday he was asking me about putting up safety rails in the bathroom for him so I'm thinking he has decided he will be here long term.
My husband has known about my great unhappiness for a very long time but nothing changes. This has very much affected my mental health. He sympathizes with how I feel in this abrupt change to our lives but he has said nothing to his siblings about it and he is unavailable for me really at present due to deadlines he has to reach. He knows the situation with the father in law arriving so quickly with no prior planning is appalling and unfair but he is not here everyday so its not impacting on him the way it is on me. Lets hope at least one of my interviews are successful so as I can regain some independence and control on my life.
If they are, you need a log term plan. You can't solve this overnight. Getting and holding a job, saving your money and preparing for a post-marriage life.
What are FIL's care needs?
What are his resources?
It sounds like you are used to not being listened to, either by your husband or his family. I think you need some help in figuring out how to change that.
You are right in saying I don't get listened to by my husband or his family and yes I'm struggling with the other things too of getting a job and my own money to gain independence as well as to get out of the house, my own health, my daughters health, and my marriage problems so a long term plan is definitely needed here. The problem is I really don't want to be the bad person here in all of this as I do feel very sorry for him after the way he was treated by his daughter.