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My in laws are getting to the point where they probably should not be living alone (90 and 94). He is extremely hard of hearing and she is having a lot of trouble walking. He also seems to be slowing down cognitively. We have an in law apartment in the basement of our home. My husband and I keep putting off making a decision to have them move into our home, mostly because of the anticipated stress of caregiving. In our 60’s we are just getting around the corner of our youngest child getting through substance abuse and depression issues. He is on dialysis due to a genetic issue, but has been Sober and emotionally stable for 3 years. He is currently living with us while he goes to college. In addition, my widowed 83 year old mother lives in her own home 5 minutes from us. And My husband and I have 2 businesses.


How do you make a decision to have aged parents live with you and not end up feeling overwhelmed and like your own, already overly obligated life will be unmanageable? Like most of you, my husband and I are starting to experience our own signs of aging and I stress out fairly easily (a little ptsd since our struggles with our son). In our 60’s, after building our businesses, we were looking forward to retirement, travel, etc and are feeling like we are now stuck with this ongoing responsibility ( including overseeing my mother). I don’t mean to sound heartless just being honest. We haven’t truly researched retirement homes because of the in-laws push back on the idea.


I’m mostly venting but I guess my question is, how do you make decisions about the next steps while balancing out all parties needs and wishes?

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I would not advise doing this because it will kill your dreams of travel in your retirement; mean a decrease in income because one of you will need to stop working; and likely stress out your son.

Also, with her having a lot of trouble walking, going up and down basement stairs are not going to work.

I would have each of them see a geriatric doctor for his input of what level of care they need. Maybe they will listen to a objective third party more than a relative.

Have they given you durable and medical POA? If not, that is a deal breaker right there unless they will do it.

I wish you the best with this difficult situation.
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If your in-laws are not incompetent, they are in the position of making their own decisions and doing their own research.

I would not offer in-home care to them, or to anyone. I believe it's isolating and makes getting good health care (constant appointments for multiple health issues) a real challenge.

When elders live in a care setting, there are multiple sets of eyes on them around the clock. Amenities such as hairdressers are onsite and routine healthcare (geriatric internist, podiatry, psychiatry etc.) are easily accessible.

Reading about your current life stressors made me tired. Don't add to that, especially with a fragile adult child.
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It's not good for a 90 and 94 year old to be living alone, or driving if either are.  If you bring them to your home, they'll need care, and that will progress.  Then they would have to move again, which is stressful for anyone, especially for elderly, and even more with cognitive issues.  It may be better to find assisted living that matches with their current and possible future needs.

At 83, your mom should not be living alone much longer.  It would be good to look into assisted living or independent living that transitions to assisted living for her, too.

As nice as it might sound, you'll wind up taking on more than you bargain for if you bring anyone into your home, especially an elderly person who likely needs or will need caregiving at one level or another.

Good luck in whatever decision you make.
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I'm sorry, but by the time parents reach the stage they cannot be left alone, they are usually beyond good in home care. They need the staff available 24/7 to answer their calls as provided in an assisted living environment. Particularly if they are still competent, the socialization and activities available in an AL can greatly improve quality of life. One couple I knew didn't care for shopping on the AL's weekly mall trips but did use the opportunity to enjoy restaurants and eateries. Many routine needs can be addressed by specialists visiting the AL instead of outside doctor trips. When they do need to visit an outside doctor, the AL staff can prepare them for the trip so they are ready when you pick them up. You and your husband can visit and provide supportive care without the dramatic impact providing 24/7 care creates.

I ask you to consider how you would handle one possible scenario: one of you has the flu or needs a minor outpatient surgery, one parent falls and needs an ER trip while the other needs someone caring for him/her at home, and there's a minor crisis at one of your businesses. How will the two of you cope and handle everything?
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I am stressed just reading your stresses, you have too much on your plate already.

Having them live with you IMO will put you over the top. Read the many posts on here, don't make a snap decision, you will regret doing that.

One of my concerns is isolation, both my mother and step-father waited too long to go into AL, they sat alone and digressed, they are both in AL now (different homes) and are flourishing, making new friends, doing things.

Sending support your way!
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Frances73 Dec 2019
Yes! My mother has a busy social life in AL. Yes, she still regrets losing her “independence” but now has daily social interactions.
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I'm chiming in to concur with all the opinions below to not have them move in (or anyone else, including your own mother).

You are under no obligation to provide that kind of care for anyone. Not caring for them personally does NOT mean you don't love them or care about them. It's just not possible and will be damaging to you and your marriage and your future.

Your parents probably didn't ask you if you were going to be willing to be their caregiver (before all this) and even if they did, you wouldn't have known what it would entail. It would have been an emotional, not rational, decision.

You are already not yet "recovered" from dealing with your own son's issues.

All objective minds answering you on this post are telling you it is ok to not have them move in. Don't feel guilty! They've had their whole lives to think about this time and they should not have assumed you'd be their solution. They WILL be isolated and you WILL be overwhelmed and burn out in a flash. Again, don't feel guilty. May you receive peace in your heart over this decision and may all your parents' future transition go smoothly!
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You already have plenty on your plate. Find an AL facility. Then the burden won’t be just on you. And you can hopefully enjoy the time you spend together.
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Your hearts are amazingly generous. However, you don't need to move the folks in. Please consider having home health care aides step in to assist them. This worked well for my MIL who lives in Hawaii until she could get into an adult day program and find a good live-in caregiver. AL and total care residential facilities can be a bit pricey. No matter which way you go, try to create a list of tasks that the parents need help with, resources to meet those needs, and the costs in time and/or money. It's easier to make decisions when you can see all the options laid out next to each other in black and white.
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Frances73 Dec 2019
You have to do the numbers. It was better financially for my 92 year-old mother to sell her house to finance AL than use all her savings to maintain a home and use home help. Plus in AL there is someone there 24/7 if she needs help. Home help runs +$25 an hour!
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I'm glad Barb brought it up because I thought no one was going to ask - what do your parents-in-law want to do?

Until they're unable to make decisions for themselves (either both of them, or one of them for both) it is up to them to make arrangements if they feel they're not managing at home. They of course can't move into your attached apartment except at your invitation, but have you discussed the idea with them in principle? What's been said about it?

If they're not keen, there's the end of your worries :)

If they've been counting on it but had reservations, there's the beginning of the practical talk. And ideally that talk will lead to their living in an environment that offers all-round support for them as well as a lot less weight on you.

If they are positively eager, it will still be your opportunity to say "hold your horses..." and then outline a) the practical difficulties of the apartment and b) (having first done your research) a shortlist of preferable alternatives.

You will gather I don't on the whole think it's a good idea for them to be so reliant on you, which they soon will be even if they aren't right now.

You yourself have noticed that you are beginning to fray. The stress of taking primary responsibility for not one but two potentially dependent elders *on* *your* *own* *premises*? - no. You'll snap.
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The words "basement apartment" and "difficulty walking" should alarm you to think again. Does the apartment have a private entrance and exit to the outside that does not require a flight of steps? Do you live in a flood zone? Is the apartment self-sufficient: kitchen, bath, laundry, living space, etc,? Would the in-laws need to come upstairs on a daily basis? Face it: you and your husband both with two businesses each, plus a son who needs attention; how much time can you spend with the in-laws in their apartment, let alone your mother five minutes away? Your in-laws will need help which you are too busy to provide, so you will need to hire help like Visiting Angels or Health Care Aides. Will everybody be happy with the new arrangement? I doubt it! The in-laws are probably right in pushing back. Don't do it!
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Teddy2019 Dec 2019
No, the in laws are not right. I have friends who's parents told them they would want them to be in AL and not burden their children. I have made up my mind to tell my family the same. I will gladly go to AL when I need to and I do not want anyone to feel bad about that. I would feel terrible knowing that I was causing such huge problems for my family. I love my family too much to do that to any of them.
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"How do you make a decision to have aged parents live with you and not end up feeling overwhelmed and like your own, already overly obligated life will be unmanageable?"

You don't make the decision to have them live with you for otherwise, you will end up feeling overwhelmed and your already overly obligated life will become unmanageable.
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"We haven’t truly researched retirement homes because of the in-laws push back on the idea." You've answered your own question i.e. start researching retirement homes and take moving into your basement apartment off the table.

You cannot make everyone happy. Accept that.
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I think you have made your decision and have come here for moral support.

My mother, who also has mobility issues, routinely asks to move in with me. She cannot life one foot high enough to step up ONE step. I have 6 going downstairs and 5 coming out the 'back way'. Despite this obvious impediment, she still thinks it could be workable. (She currently lives with my YB and in her own apartment).

Let your folks decide, but first look into other options. Your home will be a halfway house for all the elderly, sick or afflicted within months.

And you really, really need to guard your own health. First and foremost, or you will be of no help to anyone.
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JoAnn29 Dec 2019
This is one reason I moved Mom to an AL. I have a split 4 level house. She had 3 steps out her back door. 6 steps up to my main level. She needed help getting up and down steps.
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My husband & I 'convinced' his folks at age 82/83 to move back from Florida when we kept getting phone calls about one or the other having to go to the ER for various issues. Worst decision we ever made and it was largely my fault for thinking that they would only live another 5 years or so. We are now approaching 13 years of caregiving in our home and there seems to be no end in sight. I thought I would be good at taking care of things for them, but the things I am good at (keeping up with appointments, helping with chores they no longer can manage, running errands for them, etc.) they don't want my help; the things I won't do (personal hygiene, etc.), they expect us to do for them. I've now been retired for 4 years and we have no hope for any kind of vacation. Please don't do this out of guilt. It's overwhelming!
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PLEASE don’t do it! It is so true, that you may expect them to live for a couple more years, only to be surprised by a seemingly unending obligation of your own creation.
it is my experience that the biggest obstacle to moving into a senior center is fear. They are afraid they will lose all control over their lives, don’t know if they’ll be treated nicely, that they are being abandoned. You are so lucky that they are both still alive and can be moved TOGETHER. Think about it, this will be much more comforting to them than going into the ‘dreaded place’ later and alone, after one of them passes.
Please, don’t even offer your home as an option. Don’t keep thinking that YOU are as strong as you once were — you’re not. Salvage what you can of your own life. Place them in an assisted living, and do it quickly while they still have the advantage of togetherness.
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At their age they have mobility issues, will they be able to climb the stairs from the basement to come into your home? Sometimes, even 2 or 3 steps can cause a major issue with the elderly. As much as everyone would like to age in their own home, it is not always possible or safe for them to do so. When they require help from others to do basic things, they have already lost some of their independence. You and your husband would be better off finding a place for both of them and you can visit them as often as you like, knowing they are being taken care of by professionals. Enjoy your life and retirement, you deserve it.
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How are they going to be able to get in and out of a basement In-Law Apartment?
Do they have funds to pay for caregivers? If so make that a part of the conditions that they agree to PRIOR to moving in. With caregivers in place you can go on your trips and maintain most of your life as usual.
Is the In Law Apartment set up with...
Wide halls, no carpeting, wide doorways, barrier free bathroom large enough to move equipment in and out of, barrier free shower that a wheel chair can roll into, secondary exit that they will be able to use easily in an emergency? I could go on with other things but you get the idea.
The slowing down cognitively at 90 or 94 I would not worry about the problem would be if the slow down cognitively occurred at 60 or 70 then the prospect of a cognitive decline for 20 or 30 years would be more of a concern.
This could be a "we can try it and see" situation and give it 6 months and if it works out great if not then a move to Assisted Living or if necessary Memory Care could be discussed. (If both are mobile and able to care for them selves to some degree a Skilled Nursing Facility ((aka Nursing home))would not be necessary)
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You know I think people who haven't had to physically care for someone look at having a parent live with them with "Rose Colored Glasses". They see where the media portrays it as everyone living together so nicely. Grandpa sitting in his favorite chair taking a nap. Grandma in hers knitting away. The old TV shows show a "senile" LO siiting in a chair all day staring at the wall. Caregivers will say thats not how it is.

I would not even mention the apartment to in-laws. If they have money, then they can use it for their care. Get them help or try to steer them towards an AL. You do have enough on ur plate. Your son is ur priority. He has a future and he needs you for support. At 60, it would be a huge adjustment.
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anonymous912123 Dec 2019
Yes, the media, my mother believes everything she sees on TV, those commercials really influence those who do not understand...it is just a commercial...not fact.
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My husband would refurbish our basement into an apartment for Mom, but doesn’t make sense because she won’t do any type of exercise to strengthen her legs, let alone walk up and down the street occasionally. At 79, her mobility will only decline, making steps virtually impossible.

If you are already overwhelmed, sounds like that can only get worse if you decide to have your in-laws live with you. At 90 & 94, their care will only increase. Doesn’t sound like what your future looked like. Have you had a discussion with husband about his wishes and desires for your future together?

The way I’m making my decision about Mom’s potential dementia diagnosis is by knowing what my parameters are (me and my husband). I KNOW that if she had to move, she would not be happy living with us. I’m her PoA and Advanced Directives, but she wants no help whatsoever from anyone, including us.

If you’ve already got a lot going on in your home and caring for elderly was not in your plans for the future, it would be time to search out assisted living.

Hope you are able to come to a reasonable decision about your future. Prayers going up for you.
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The in laws need 24/7 supervision. You cannot provide that.

Your son needs a calm environment in which to study and continue along his road of recovery. He hopefully has a long life ahead of him and deserves the best

Your Mum may at some point require care. You are setting a precedent, where will you house her?

Just because the in laws do not want to move into a retirement home, does not automatically mean you have to provide them with a home. This is about Needs, not Wants. They need 24/7 supervision.

You and your husband deserve to spend your retirement in travel etc. It is the parents' responsibility to accept that you will not be providing their care and they need to look into other options.
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If you need to vent, and to even ask this question, your sub conscience is throwing up a big warning sign. It can see trouble with a capital T coming your way. As you indicate, both you and your husband are declining too and that will affect how well you would cope with aging, deteriorating elders more or less coming into your care. As you have experienced, caring is a very stressful role at the best of times and can take a huge toll on ones well being.
Given your own emotional and mental state I recommend you speak to your doctor about this before taking a single step forward. He or she will give you an unbiased and honest opinion about how this prospective arrangement would impact your own health and your ability to take on further responsibilities.
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I think you already know how to make the decision...........you say No to the in-laws and help them get settled into Assisted Living instead of your basement. At 90 and 94, with the issues they're currently suffering, it's only going to go downhill from HERE. And then what? It's already too much for you to handle alone, never mind what's in store for you a little bit down the road. The falls, the incontinence, the dementia..........it's entirely too much for anyone to handle alone in their home. Not to mention it will ruin YOUR retirement years and you already have ENOUGH on your plate!!

Now, you will hear people laying on the guilt trips, saying it's your obligation to care for ALL the elders in your life, blah blah and yada yada. It's important to take what you like from these comments here and leave the rest (I haven't read your comments, I just know what to expect after being here for a few years and reading others). And, from personal experience, I can tell you that I placed both my folks in AL back in 2014 after dad fell and broke his hip. He wound up passing in 2015 and mother is now 93 next month and still living in AL, but in the Memory Care section now. There is NO WAY on God's green earth I could be caring for her in my home; she is wheelchair bound, has dementia, 100% incontinence & wets the bed EVERY night no matter WHAT, is mostly deaf, has AFIB and CHF, vertigo, neuropathy........and the list goes on and on. It's way too much for me, at 62, to handle MY life, my husband, my home, etc, AND my mother..........nope, not happening. And there is no 'guilt' involved b/c she is getting MUCH better care on a 24/7 basis over THERE than I could ever give her over HERE, let's face it.

Tour a few ALs and give the in laws a choice of 2. I suggest a privately owned AL rather than corporately owned; corporate is only after the $$$ while private has a whole different attitude & philosophy where the resident comes first. There is a TON of things to do at ALs and they'll have one another, so they should adjust well in time.

Best of luck!
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Frances73 Dec 2019
Amen sister!
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How about this--move the couple in their 90s into your mother's house. Your mother, age 84, can take care of them! Does this sound crazy? About as crazy as moving them into your own house!

As for "slowing down cognitively," it may be much worse than you realize. You have probably already seen some red flags with their thinking, speech, and behavior, so no wonder you're concerned. It's very likely they are hiding some of the worst symptoms from you. Can they add and subtract? Can they tell time? Can they read numbers in a chart or columns? Can they understand a one-page letter from the insurance company or the doctor's office? How many tries does it take for them to correctly write a check for a bill? And where do they put the checks they made a mistake on--out on the curb on trash and recycling day, where a scammer could find them? Ask them, "How old were you 20 years ago?" If you get a lot of hmm-ing and irritation and changing the subject, there's your answer.
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This is a tough situation and you have plenty of problems yourself, along with aging and the desire to live a bit. You are being perfectly normal and sensible. These people will get increasingly worse problems and I assure you, it will all fall on you. Be absolutely strong and say NO NO NO. This is the last and maybe only chance you will get for yourselves. If you give in, I assure you, you will have no life and you will slowly be destroyed. No matter how stubborn, etc., don't give in - it will eventually become a hell you can't get yourself out of. Place them - no if's, and's or but's. You deserve this time in peace.
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If you are asking yourself if you can handle it, I would say don't do it. You really do not need to be responsible for anything else, you already have enough on your plate.

And mom with mobility issues, a basement apartment definitely will not work, it is not a safe solution.
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The fact that you are posing these questions shows how reluctant you are to do this. Your in-laws sound like they are going to require 24 hour monitoring.

How will they get up and down the stairs to the basement. What about shopping for food and household supplies? How will they get to dr appointments? Church and social outings? If there is an emergency how will that be handled. If there is a fire can they get themselves out of the basement?

How much of this burden will fall to you? Is your husband willing to do 50% of the work this will require? Can he handle the medications, incontinence issues, cleaning?

I know from only a brief experience with my mother that it's a 24/7 job. Even now with her in AL it seems I am constantly on call to pay bills, shop for supplies and clothing, organize medical visits, etc.

Please explore other senior living options, discuss this with professionals too for unbiased advice. Good luck.
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Kittybee Dec 2019
All of the above, PLUS looking down the road a year, two years...most people in that age range have a lot of ups and downs and medical dramas that need managing. Elders need MORE care over time and the roller coaster ride - of TWO people - gets only more taxing.

It really sounds like they would be best served in a care facility that's set up for the ongoing and various levels of care they're going to need over time. Try to consider what would be best for them in the long run.
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Looks like the overwhelming majority vote on this is a resounding NO! I wholeheartedly agree.
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My husband and I just had my father-in-law who is 80 years old move in with us from Oregon to Sacramento CA 3 months ago. We knew a year ago this might happen because his he was facing health issues and couldn’t care for himself anymore. His wife passed 5 years ago and he didn’t have any other family except us. We also have two adult children, our daughter 20 is at UOA in her 2nd year and our son 25 is graduating in May 2020 from Sacramento State. We were almost empty nesters at 58 years old with our own dreams of traveling and considering early retirement but now this has all changed. Please think it through very carefully because even though my father-in-law is able to walk, talk and get around now this may not always be the case. It’s has been an adjustment for us and I’ve never had to live with anyone other than my husband and children. Some days are okay and other days I just want to pull my hair out lol 😂. It’s stressful because he’s hard of hearing, forgetful, whistles all day long ( which bothers me only) and moves and eats very slow. I’ve learned in a short period of time that living elderly people is like having 5 year olds all over again. You have to have a lot of PATIENCE!! Be realistic when making this decision with your husband. Consider moving your in laws into an assisted living facility and maybe have your mom move in with you. Wishing you all the best and Happy New Year❣️
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Think long and hard about this. I would advise against it.
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Disaster waiting to happen
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