I am 72 yo. My father is nearly 99 yo and is in a wheelchair. He lives in an assisted living facility. His dementia and hallucinations are increasing. He rambles on and on about things he thinks are real. I HATE being around him. I just can't take him anymore. I feel so crushingly guilty. I don't want to be around him. My only sib moved out of the country. I know that I am a horrible daughter for feeling this way. He gets angry if I try to reorient him. Ex: he said that the director came into the dining room screaming at him to get out, flailing her arms, threatening him. He says that he roams the building all night. None of it is real. It is so so hard to sit and listen to his rantings and ramblings. I can't take any more of him, my tank is totally empty. I used to go over a couple of times a week. Now I can barely stand to go there every couple of weeks. I had a very bad childhood due to my parents mental health issues. I have come to resent him so deeply. I can't find a counselor who takes my insurance. The facility he is in does not have a support system for families. I have no one to lean on. I am desperate and overwhelmed with guilt.
Compassion fatigue is a real thing; Google it. Your tank is totally empty, so is mine. I am an only child and have NOBODY to lean on but myself (and my DH) to deal with my mother who's 95 next month; I'm 64 and very, very tired AND sick and tired, too. I'd rather be anywhere else but at my mother's Memory Care AL listening to whatever nonsense she's drummed up to torture me with. So I go once a week and I call her a couple of times a week. In the interim, I call the FACILITY to see how she's doing. The NP who sees her 2x a week (at least) calls and checks in with me and THAT is how I know how my mother is doing. B/c to hear her tell it, she's dying daily and they're undressing her and lying her out on the bed but she can't recall why and on and on. She doesn't eat or sleep or do a blasted thing all day long and everyone is driving her crazy and her siblings (all dead) have abandoned her AGAIN so she's walking home (she's wheelchair bound since 2019). I don't see a therapist myself b/c nobody is going to help me through this; the only thing that will help is having this OVER with when she passes away. I don't feel guilty for saying that b/c it's the truth.
Go out and take care of YOURSELF now. Let the AL take care of your dad. See him if and when you feel mentally ready to and then stay a short while. Call the AL to check on his status in between visits. Do only what you're able b/c you're 72 years old YOURSELF! Please don't die before your father does b/c you're so stressed out and anxiety ridden over not being able to 'do' anything for him. He's lived his life of almost ONE HUNDRED YEARS already! He's well taken care of and that's what counts.
Just do one more thing: check with his doctor to see if you can get him on hospice; they can make him a lot more comfortable with anti anxiety meds that will cut down his hallucinations and delusions. I'm working on that for my mother as well. That's all we can do, really.
Wishing you the best of luck caring for YOU now.
When I am desperate, I pull them up and re-read them. This is a place where people UNDERSTAND. The rest of the world has NO idea.
Even a therapist, who may be helpful or not, is not with us 24 hrs a day. I can pull up these screenshots when I need them. Like, immediately after I get back in the car after a visit.
That doesn't make you a bad daughter.
I would ask his doctor if there is anything that can help calm him down. It must be difficult to believe the things he does. He doesn't know it isn't real and that's where his anger comes from.
I would learn to tune out when he starts, pat answers like, oh that's to bad, mmhmmm, you must be exhausted after, I hear you, really just anything that doesn't disregard what he believes is truth.
You have made sure that he is safe and cared for, now it's time for a break to reset and fill you up. You matter too!
My mother was in memory care and I stopped visiting very much. Had a bad childhood as well as estranged adult relationship. So, I felt no guilt. You owe your parent nothing other than what they put into you. It sounds like yours didnt put much into you.
I think society irrationally puts too much pressure on children of aging parents as though the children owe their parents something. People have children for their own selfish reasons. Status. To manufacture a sense of purpose. To fit in with their peers. To retain a relationship with their spouse. To procreate their genes etc. Its all FOR THEM. Children never ask to be born. They owe their parents nothing. Conversely parents owe their children EVERYTHING. It absolutely does not go both ways. People who have kids often forget this and mistreat their children when having them around is inconvenient.
Anything a child does for their parent should only be out of love for the relationship held and what the parent did for them.
A baby bird does not feed its dying parent.
There are ways to find mental health support out there; you will need to find them to help you move on with your life.
If you cannot any longer visit this person, then do not do so. He is receiving care. Whether you are there or not he will likely end his life as he has lived his life. Whether you witness it or not, you can do him no good. It is time to concentrate on your own life. I wish you good luck.
I don't blame you for hating going to visit. It's hard. Don't try to reorient him. It's a losing battle.
And you do NOT have to go at all. Go when/if you feel like it. If it's too much, that's OK. Give yourself permission to go or not go.
If you do go, keep it short and sweet. When it starts to be too much, you can leave. If you only visit a few minutes, you've checked on him to make sure he's "ok". Bring him a snack or something and don't really engage with his ramblings. Just say vague things "oh, ok, sure". He's changed and it's no wonder it's hard to be around him.