I am going to ask this outright. I couched in another thread. But I am asking outright.
I can't be the only one dealing with this. This is a form of PTSD. My cousin said so. A grief counselor did.
How do you get past the end of life very graphic images? These are haunting me, quite frankly.
I am not special by any means. There are so many of us who just muddle through. Like the old pinball games. Bump into this, bump into that. We don't get any points for it.
Does this ever get better? Is it time limited? Mine is real fresh. Not yet 24 hours. I want to know there is an endpoint here, or what I should expect.
Do you have letters that your mom wrote earlier in her life? Reading happier times in her handwriting might be a way to jog the good memories into the forefront of your mind.
As for your "gaffe" with the funeral home, please know that is normal. My husband was a pallbearer for his aunt. Just before lowering the casket, her husband asked that the casket be opened so he could see his beloved one more time. It's part of the healing process to be able to say goodbye.
When my dad died, a friend gave me the advice to be as kind to myself as I would be to a friend experiencing the same loss. Those words helped when I would get impatient with myself for crying over a joke I wanted to share with him but couldn't any longer.
My MIL passed away last fall and there was a graphic moment at the end. Others left the room, and it was my first instinct as well. I was able to turn around and hold her hand instead and it's a moment that I am proud of. I also have to give huge kudos to the nurse who was so compassionate in cleaning her up quickly. That graphic image stuck in my mind for weeks after her death. What helped me was going through her photo albums as we separated the pics for different family members. Seeing her happy was able to push back (not out) the image of her final moments.
You are in the most raw stages of grief now...it will get better.
I lost my mind and asked if I could come seem my mom. Cassandra, who has become my little secret angel said, well embalming does enhance preservation.
Me: but she is being cremated.
Cassandra: and that's my point. Some things have started to happen and you don't want that image to be last one you have of your mom.
Me: oh my gosh, i am so sorry.i don't know what is the matter with me. I am so sorry.
Cassandra: you are not the first, nor the last to ask. You are grief stricken. Let us Take care of your mom and your family. We are going to help you get through this.
Seriously I don't WTF. I was thinking. So my point being anyone concerned about some gaffe you have committed, during this, you are not alone.
Again, my condolences to you. May the happy memories give you peace & comfort now & always.
I haven't really thought it through yet, though, my LO is on Hospice. I was told that I could be called so that I may go to my LO at the end (at MC) or see her after the end. I'm now re- considering it. She is end stage dementia and does not look well. It's difficult to know just how much worse it will get. I dream of her (she's my cousin) often and in my dreams she is happy, healthy looking, though still in wheelchair. Not at all like she appears now. So, I'd like to keep those subconscious memories. I'd like to avoid having intrusive thoughts of her toward the end.
I touched on this topic on your other thread. It’s going to take time.
The images came to me often in the beginning. Mine eased with time.
I got some counseling after about 6 months. That helped.
This is going to sound ridiculous.
I had a dream about my Dad. He was sitting at the picnic table in my back yard drinking a frosty beverage in a College T-shirt. He wore them often. He played football there. He was laughing and talking but there was no sound. I was an observer in this dream. All this was directed my way. After the laughing and talking he was happily gesturing to me to “get outta here”.
Was this my Dad, my hero, coming to me from the other side? Some might say that. I don’t know. More than likely my own mind trying to give me comfort and permission to move on.
If the Hospice you used offers bereavement counseling start with that. Access other counseling if you can.
It’s hard. It’s a struggle. Don’t deny yourself help.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Take care of yourself. You deserve it!
Your reply has touched me deeply on many levels. Thank you for your kind reply, more than you can imagine.
I am truly sorry for your loss, truly.
Being so fresh it is hard to imagine it getting better, but it will. It will.
Praying for you.
Sometimes small things will come up during the process and set you back. This is normal and ok. Here was mine: My MIL passed April 2nd. She was in hospice in her home and my hubby and I were there frequently right up until 12 hours before we got the call. My husband did not do well during hospice time and for a few weeks after, but he's doing better now (Previous PTSD from active duty deployments to middle east) and speaks of her fondly and even jokes about things she said or did. We don't discuss the end time tho, he just breaks down. It interferes with him working, so he just rather work and do family things.
I grieved pretty hard since my MIL was really the best MIL I could ask for. I thought I was done tho, able to talk about her and think about her without the end of life images...until this past Monday. Was shopping for candles and wax melts with my 11yr old daughter. She picked one up, smelled it and said "Mommy, this one is soooo good!". So I smell it, intending to get it for her, and it hit hard. It was the exact scent that was being used in the house where my MIL hospiced and died in. I couldn't buy it, held back tears and told my daughter that we need to wait some time before we get that scent because it reminded mommy and daddy of some difficult memories. (She was never in the house during hospice, so she didn't know.) She gave me hugs, and picked out an apple scent she knows I like and just stuck it in the cart.
I wish you good things, and again many condolences for your loss.