My dad went from delirium to dementia since a fall in December. Some days he can't be left alone due to safety issues and other days he's pretty lucid. The more severe the symptoms get (hallucinations, paranoia, extreme confusion), the harder it is for me to bounce around with him. When he has a good day I find myself secretly hoping he's getting better. Then a bad day comes and it's like being crushed again. I know he's not going to get better. I'm just having trouble with the random back and forth.
My Faith keeps me going day to day and helps me to handle the anticipatory grief and sadness.
YOU DON’T JUST LOSE SOMEONE ONCE
You lose them over and over,
sometimes in the same day.
When the loss, momentarily forgotten,
creeps up,
and attacks you from behind.
Fresh waves of grief as the realisation hits home,
they are gone.
Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,
and as you awaken,
so does your memory,
so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,
they are gone.
Again.
Losing someone is a journey,
not a one-off.
There is no end to the loss,
there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,
when it washes over.
Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,
they have a journey ahead of them,
and a daily shock to the system each time they realise,
they are gone,
Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every day,
for a lifetime.
Credit: Donna Ashworth
I try to go for walks, make plans out so I have something to look forward to, and fully recognize the mom I have, isn't the mom I had. That is crucial. She is older, unable to do what she used to do, and cognitively/physically isn't the same.
Hang in there.
Has your Dad had any final diagnosis as to what sort of dementia he has been suffering from? They do vary. Some have more acting out, more paranoia and anger and some have hallucinations. Some, like Lewy's Dementia can be a bit up, down and all over the place, especially in the early stages.
Are you the sole caregiver, and what sort of support do you have? Do you live with your Dad, or does he live with you.
Let us know if you have questions, and caregivers here will try to help with some suggestions or answers. We wish you the best.
You have lots of company here.
So many of us live with the long, slow grief of being the child of a parent who is suffering from what seems like an eternal decline. Step down, level off. Step down, level off.
This is the place to be, when you want a listening ear.
That's the sad truth of it. And because there are hundreds of different kinds of dementia, some of us are only on the roller-coaster for a few years and others are on it for 10-20 years.
The only thing I can tell you is to enjoy the good days and try not to let the bad days get you down.
And the best thing you can do for yourself is to not be in denial about your dads diagnosis, and accept it best you can. So many people(including the one suffering with dementia)are in denial about their loved one and don't want to have to accept the truth, but the sooner you do the better off you will be.
I just did my best when my own mother developed delirium.
One episode of crazy stuff at a time.
Can't change their fate but you can be there loving them and make memories. My mother died in 2020.
This may seem weird but memories of her no matter her state of mind the last weeks of her life have become memories worth having.
You are there at the ending of your father's life story. A chapter to cherish. Not all adult children have that chance. Wishing you the best.
I see where your dad is 90. My mother died at 95. It’s so sad that they linger for so long and it’s very hard to face the reality that they won’t improve.
Please feel free to vent to this forum. We have all done so. You’re not alone in your suffering. Caregiving is physically and emotionally draining.
Have you considered placement in a facility if you find that that caring for your dad is becoming too difficult to continue?
Wishing you peace as you navigate your way through this difficult journey.
See All Answers