A brief summary: my mom is 90, always been very active and independent, friendly and sociable. She has lots of great friends who call her and invite her often.
Last May my father died, after a long illness; after that she aged instantly, fell ill this summer and lost the sight of one eye. She's now not self-sufficient anymore, she started having lots of memory problems, she's sometimes confused and needs help remembering medicines, appointments etc..
She had a few confusion episodes that really made me worry this past summer so I took her to the neurologist and thanks God she passed the MMSE with full marks; the doctor said she just had a very tough year and that she's emotionally adjusting and recommended lots of socialisation and activities; so I enrolled her in 3 different activities per week and she’s always very happy to go out and very energised when she comes home.
We also have 2 wonderful carers who help us for a total of 5 hours per day, and then I visit her twice a day, one hour in the morning and one in the evening, to make sure she's ok, to chat, play with the cat, have a coffee, help her with medicines, clothes, shower etc...
Still, it doesn't seem enough. Every time she's at home alone for a few hours she gets confused, and depressed. Which I can understand. What I really don't understand is that she never seems able to invite her (many) friends around, commit to their invitations, make plans with them... she's constantly undecided and postpones all decisions til the very last moment, when it’s too late, or simply refuses the invitations for no apparent reason. And to be honest, this has been going on for years; she just waits for people to call her and call her but never call herself, never commits. Even with me!
The result is that I constantly feel terrible because I feel her only emotional support; she never asks me to visit more but she's always sad when I'm leaving. This is starting making me feel resentful, cause it’s true that I’m her only family now, but she truly has lots of people who love her beside me.
I have tried to talk to her friends about the memory problems but it's hard to explain what the problem really is. It seems more like inability to plan and commit. It’s also hard to organise these meetings myself as they call her directly…
I have also started some counselling recently and the therapist suggested to let her carry her own weight. Which I think is a good suggestion, but on a practical level is a bit hard to implement; it’s so hard to see someone going from happy and energised to lonely and confused in a metter of hours, again and again.
Is there a way to ask for help from her friends in this matter, and how? How would you word it? Is this something you would do if you didn't have any family close?
Thank you so much in advance for any ideas!
And I need to make notes for myself for how I might be if I live that long!
I think older folks, with a bit of cognitive decline, sometimes don't want others to know that they're "slipping", so they shun visits, etc.
Since your mom doesn't have dementia, ASK her if she would like you to arrange outings with her friends. She may not really want to go. My mother would NEVER admit she wasn't as sharp as a tack, she would tell you she was just fine (pride). But she couldn't distinguish an aspirin from a vitamin and would go to meals hours before they were served.
You say she gets confused after you leave. Is your mom easily "re-orientable"? Is she safe to leave alone?
She also has "company" (caregivers and you) for a total of 7 hours a day. That's more than the average senior. Maybe she would do better in a senior facility (independent or assisted living) than living alone at home.
Since you are already feeling slightly resentful (which is normal for the amount of time you invest), I wouldn't suggest that she move in with you.
You sound like you're a wonderful daughter and are doing a great job. But, like Blannie said, sometimes you can't fix everything.
Good luck.
Perhaps it's true that we do sacrifice ourselves, a lot, but this is not necessarily codependancy, as I felt it was subtly hinted by my therapist; it's being a carer, and having been through lots. Just this.
As I often feel reading your posts, you really reed minds!
It's so, so weird how similar our experiences are, and how difficult is to explain to someone external what they are really about, and where the tiredness comes from...
* creating a calendar + many (many) reminders: check
* realizing mom doesn't remember to have a calendar, nor the reminders: check
* drawing much bigger, huge calendar for her: check
* asking her friend to pick her up: check
* reminding mom a zillion times her friend is coming to pick her up: check
* realizing mom is still in her pijamas eating a muffin and watching TV when her friend comes to pick her up: check
Oh LOL. I have to smile as you really are making me think of all the things I do, frantically, hopelessly, every day and then I wonder why I feel so tired...
I don't know if it's trauma, if it's age, if it's dementia, if I'm codependant... all these after all are just labels.
What I'll do, I'll buy a calendar with kittens AND dogs AND flowers. It'll probably make no difference but at least every time I'll watch it I'll think of your post and smile again.
Thank you :)
But I won't deny that I often have the same problem myself; sometimes it's just too much to handle social engagements with all the caregiving activities, so I just let the former drift by.
Asking others to take the initiative in providing transportation for events could help, but make sure that Mom is reminded beforehand (and helped to get ready, if necessary), so she isn't caught off guard.
You might get one of the those huge calendars, or something smaller but pretty, with cats, dogs, flowers or other lovely themes to draw her eye to the current monthly page.
I think when someone reaches this stage, "carrying her own weight" isn't an option w/o some kind of family support.
And this isn't necessarily an age related issue; I believe it's a trauma issue. I experienced it after my sister died.
Deep down, I know that the neurological evaluation was a bit on the optimistic side.
Deep down, I know that she can't help it.
Why do I still get so frustrated, and why I feel resentful, it totally escapes me.
It's like a part of me doesn't want to accept her cognitive decline. Or perhaps the responsability attached to it, as you say.
Your idea is the only viable one, one that I had had myself but just felt yet another thing to organize, and after many years of (various) illnesses and dramas I'm probably just feeling tired. But the alternative is just silly: I end up discussing this with my mom, and going nowhere, of course.
Your example of the card is spot on; it happens the same every day to me too, with everything, really. From toothbrushing to writing down an appointment; if I don't sit down with her and wait until she's done it it just doesn't happen.
I just wonder how long it will take me to fully realize that this is our life now, and that is ok.
Your words have really encouraged me. Thank you *hugs*
My mom was kind of a loner and I became her whole world and sometimes it grated on me (the responsibility), but I finally realized in my mom's case, she could change it anytime she wanted. She lived in independent living and had people all around her. But I think she knew she had some cognitive decline and just didn't want to be around others anymore.
Could you set up some standing dates for your mom with her friends? Every Monday she has lunch with Sally and every Wednesday, she meets Louise for coffee at 3 PM at Panera? Something like that? Then it would just be up to you to make sure mom knows the schedule and the friends are notified if there are changes. That's the only thing that I could think of to make her friends understand how to get together with your mom. It sounds like you are doing a LOT for your mom and she's lucky to have you. Sometimes we can't "fix" everything for our aging parents, which can be very frustrating.