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Thoughtful & caring responses. That is what we all need while going through our own particular kind of hell. I liked your response, 50s child. Very insightful and I do not feel you owed the other individual an apology.
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I too am the child of an emotionally abusive mother. Something changed in her once I entered 8th grade. Before then, she was a kind loving mother. Afterward she was monstrous. When she died I felt sadness but also relief. I could not care for her because I was too young. Her expectations of me were unfair. There's nothing wrong with you. It's healthy to want to protect yourself against an abuser even when that person is your parent. You are worthy. You are deserving of love. You cannot control your mother but you can control yourself and your reactions to her. I too am going to search for abusive parent as a previous poster suggested. The pain and anguish children feel when they have been guilted into caring for an abusive parent pours out all over this forum. Guilt is a lethal emotion if not dealt with properly. You are not damaged despite the damage she did to you. Your feelings are normal and healthy. Be kind to yourself. Do meditations - Louise Hay got me through many tough times. Until your mother does something that gets APS to step in there is nothing you can do. You were not born to be your mother's whipping post. Go to a house of worship or psychiatrist and talk. Talk therapy is vital. In my opinion it's more helpful than a prescription unless you really do have a mental illness that requires meds. You are not evil. You are not abnormal. You are not a bad person for having these feelings that even children of the most amazing parents have. You are human. You are valuable. I now own my feelings about my mother. My psychiatrist helped me understand that what she did was because she likely had a mental illness. He helped me believe that I am worthy of love and kindness. He gave me permission to hate my abusive mother and be very angry about what she did to me when I was a child. He helped me put her in my past and be honest and not feel ashamed that my mother could do such emotional damage. He helped me by letting me talk and feel. Most importantly he helped me move forward. Luckily was in my early 20s when I found this amazing physician. But it's never, ever too late to deal with an abusive parent in a healthy way. Stay strong because your mother is trying to take your power. My mother died before I could let her know that she no longer had power over me. Take back your power and put the old bat in her place. She might just respect you for it. I've come to learn that abusive people or bullies feed on weakness but respect people who stand up to them. Good luck to you!!
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NY Daughter in law truer words never spoken abusive people react better to people that stand up to them and let it be known "I'm not going to tolerate this not for one minute stop it or leave it matters not to me" I have found this out purely by accident when I blew my top and the bully just sat there with their mouth open. STAND UP for yourself and your right to be respected.
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Rkello, all moral dilemmas aside, this is my story (quick and dirty version) - before deciding to keep contact with my mother to the absolute minimum: nothing but complaints, negativity, criticism, insults, and insinuations that I should be doing ever more to feed her endless appetite for attention, praise, and sympathy. I was a miserable and nervous wreck.
After going to minimal contact - I'm able to manage her finances without her interference, as well as her healthcare, her home care arrangements, you name it. If she needs something, I see that she gets it. Is she happy? I'm sure not - she never was. This road was not something I envisioned, but it's the one that works. So, do what works for you, and be patient and kind to yourself as you figure it all out.
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Rkello, your post really resonated with the experiences I have had and am having with my parent. I wish to offer counter to a few posts in here as a way of coping. I do agree with most of what NYDaughterinlaw said, but I think if someone is going to "put the old bat in their place", and use tactics like shouting or blowing up at them, then that person better really have a grip on themselves. I would compare it to another few posts I partly challenge: a valium or half a xanax to cope can turn into a stay at the rehab center unless someone really has a grip on using those kinds of things. Using shouting to stun someone into silence can turn into a habit that leads to a stay in prison. My take on "standing up" to my ragingly dysfunctional parent is different. I stand up to it by not allowing it to knock me off balance. I have had to apply this approach for years. I have noticed when she is having a tantrum and I do latch onto the argument...even if it is calmly...she gets a look of satisfaction like now I have him. I stand up to her by not grabbing onto it, letting her thrash all she wants. In the past I always found myself more drained when I joined the arguments. The situations are not pleasant. For example she will be shrieking loudly about how glad she is that my eldest sister is dead (who passed away not long ago and was the nicest person you could meet) or saying she was constipated one day and had me, and in the meantime I cannot wipe the spit she flung in my face because I have to keep both hands extended to keep her from striking me (and the police or APS wont help). That was a real situation, and I focused more on my own thought than her theatrics, and I just stared her back in the eye and refused to get hooked into the drama emotionally. That is just my take on standing up to someone...or when they demand this and that just staying silent or calmly saying no. This is something that has worked for me for years now. Not exactly fun, but it has worked and helps to keep me from feeling like I am worn out or am gonna blow up. People using meds or using yelling or whatever as a way to be in charge are walking a dangerous path and better stay heads up to what they are doing. Best wishes to you and all the other posters here.
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Clrsky58, I don't understand how you derived at yelling or worse from my post. You quoted one phrase completey out of context. That said, Rkello, you can put the old bat in her place firmly and calmly. It's called being assertive. You can learn to be assertive without being aggressive. It's like disagreeing without being disagreeable. These are all communication skills that children of emotionally abusive parents often need especially if they become their caregivers. Good luck!!!
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It was the next post.
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Sorry hit the button. It was the next post that tied into yours which said something about blowing up and my comment was I think appropriate. You described a situation where you had considerable guidance. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things.
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YOU are an awesome person for feeling that even though she neglected you in so many ways, YOU are remaining true to her. That right there is AWESOME! When you feel sure you can no longer do it, you must release yourself from the feelings of obligation for your own sanity.
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What makes dealing with these parents so tough is that we weren't taught how to be assertive. We were discouraged from challenging them on anything. I grew up fearful of any confrontation, that some how conflict or disagreement was wrong and to be avoided. So it's doubly tough for us to learn how to be assertive (and that it's perfectly acceptable) and to be assertive with the one person who most had us under their thumb.

No matter how far you think you need to go in this journey to healthy and functional, please remind yourself every day how far you've come.
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