Hello!
My husband and I are both 50. He became a quadriplegic about a year and a half ago after an unfortunate accident. He is home after an extensive hospital stay, but for the last six months I have been the caregiver. Full time. All the time. He, God bless him, still finds me attractive and wants intimacy. This would be, of course, one sided at best. I am not at all interested as I am so worn out, not at all in the mood, just not feeling it. He is hurt and doesn't understand how I could feel this way. How can my feelings be wrong? I am faced with having to care for him for the next thirty years. I need to focus on so many other things right now. I don't need or want sex. I need to figure out how to keep our three daughters happy and successful and living and graduating from school, working full time, maintaining a home, and keeping him alive - clean- healthy - well, as comfortable as I can. Help me.
Thank you!
While you may not be able to have regular intercourse with DH being a parapalegic (I don't know), you can still be intimate in a variety of other ways. He can still please you, and vice versa, and you should explore those possibilities together. I'm sure he wants SOME level of normalcy in his life, and sex is one of the ways he can feel that normalcy........same with you. If you hire someone a few days a week to relieve you, and go out and get a mani/pedi etc. (once this nightmare of covid19 eases up), then perhaps you can arrange some 'play time' for you and DH one day a month (or whatever). Even if you're not in the mood, give it a try and see what happens. You may find yourself getting some of your own mojo back in the process! "Intimacy" is not just 'sex' either......it's laying together, side by side, talking out fears and hopes and dreams. It's having his arms wrapped around you and laying your head on his shoulder. Oftentimes, that sort of closeness leads to sexual activity which comes naturally.
Wishing you the best of luck finding peace and normalcy with a very difficult situation. God bless you and give you peace, both of you.
I can just imagine that cleaning, turning, feeding, and taking care of someone else’s basic needs doesn’t feel sexy! Perhaps if caregivers can come in to help out, you can resume your main role in this relationship as a wife and partner.
About fifteen years ago, when I was a charge nurse in a rehab hospital, I saw an abdominal x-ray of one of our paraplegic patients ( she was born without legs). It clearly showed an IUD in place. At first, I felt strange and a bit shocked, but the truth is that disabled people still have sex drives and desires, just like anyone else! She and her loving husband found a way to make a sexual relationship work; which was wonderful!
Please get helpers in the home , and consider small steps towards intimacy. Sex doesn’t have to be a full-on physical experience all the time. Maybe a steamy movie and some adult toys could be a fun way to test the waters when you’re ready and not so tired from caregiving 24/7?
Please update us and let us know how things are going. This group here is very caring, sharp, and so very helpful! We do truly care!
Your feelings are not wrong, and are understandable.
But thank the Lord, he still finds you attractive.
You may be nearing burnout, so get caregiving help immediately.
Worry about the rest later, keeping in mind, circumstances and feelings do change, both his and yours.
Sorry this has happened to your husband and you, and your family.
Offer him understanding. Marriages do go through times without sex, and adjustments are made over time. Give yourself time, imo.
Your family is forever altered, but you do not have to figure everything out and do everything by yourself. How can you start to free up some of your time? Can you order groceries and have them delivered? How about prepping meals for the week so the girls can take turns heating up dinner?
Freeing up some time for yourself will help ease some of the burden that's been put on you. Use some of that time to pamper yourself. You may feel your desire start to return.
You talk about the needs of your hubby and children, but YOU matter too. It’s not surprising that you don’t feel sexy with your hubby. Total care for a quad is demanding, to say the least. Someone here advised that you “do it for him“, but I disagree. Unless that is what you want.
How was your marriage before his injury ? Things have changed drastically. Let’s not deny that. If it were me, I think I’d have to really love a guy prior to his quadriplegia to be at all interested in him sexually now. All relationships change over time, with cycles of more/or better sex and less sex, over the years. Maybe in time you will want to take part in different sexual activities with your hubby. Despite physical limitations, you can still give each other pleasure using different methods. (Think, hands, mouths, toys...) And there can be intimacy and sensuality with out physical sex. But I would not say you owe him sexual pleasure. What if you were the injured one ?
Your life has changed dramatically. Fine some support from others who have been through this or similar situations. Get help with his care, so you feel less overwhelmed. Counseling may be helpful too. Now with Covid, it will be harder to find support services. The rehab hospital must know of some local options. Or search the internet.
Mainly remember that your needs and wants are just as important as those of your hubby and children. HUGS !
(sometimes it’s ok to whine a bit)😉
Dr Sadie Allison could help you both.
In addition, is there any possibility that he may regain any function in any of his limbs (for example, through physical therapy)? However, I suspect that after a year and half, he's already accomplished most or all of what is possible, and the window for improvement has probably passed, but I've love to read if this isn't necessarily the case.
So many responses and suggestions can trigger so many emotions. It has taken me a few days to try to breath and not just react to some of these helpful posts. The warmth and caring is palpable; I just don't want to come across as "alwayswhining".
That being said. He is a complete quad. He does not have any movement in his legs and has very little movement in his arms. He is able to feed himself with adaptive equipment, and with me setting up his plate and preparing his food. He can brush his teeth also with an electric toothbrush. That's about it for his self-care. He cannot wash his face, itch his nose, scratch his head, shave, or anything.
He has very little or no feeling in his fingers or hands, so hand holding is awkward at best.
He can kind of hug but definitely not wrap his arm around me or hold me.
He was not very demonstrative or affectionate for many years prior to his accident either. So this makes the situation even more difficult. Sex was more of an on-demand event.
Now I am the care giver and don't know what to do. He feels trapped; I feel trapped. It's just a terrible situation for us. However, life is a roller coaster and we just have to keep our hands inside the car and enjoy the ride, right?
Have your seen the movie Intouchables? It is based on a true story. It is in French, but there are English subtitles. It was redone in America, but I find the French one to be a better movie.
The reason I ask is one of the main characters is a Quad, he only has feeling from the neck up. Sexuality is one of the things covered in the movie.
Is there any way of you getting help and a break? Being intimate when stretched to your limits, just feels like another chore, not a loving act. I remember when my 3rd child was born, 2 weeks later my husband got a job out of town 4 days a week. I had a new born, a toddler and a 10 year old at home and he would come home wanting to get lovey dovey, all I wanted to was leave the kids with him and get out of the house by myself. I certainly did not want to be touched, as I had little people all over me all day long.
I see the problem. Hard to get "in the mood" when there is no effection from the other side. So, you sort of welcome no intimacy. Changes things.
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