Hi everyone. I'm circling back on an ongoing situation with my mother-in-law. She's been in a steady decline with dementia for the last 10 years, and now she's at Stage 5 (out of 7). She needs help with all daily living tasks and also barely eats anything now, so we really have to prompt her. She's 75 and her husband is 86. They both still live at home, but are struggling, and we're in a different state. I love them dearly so it's been so hard to see them decline. More than a year ago, I found an excellent Assisted Living/Memory Care place 10 minutes from our house. I also found a terrific place in their state, about 30 minutes from their home.
While my mother-in-law clearly needs more help and support, my husband's sister is very resistant to transitioning her into Memory Care, despite seeing the needs she has. Every time there's a crisis, we fly or drive over to help (my husband and I and his sister). They did recently arrange some in-home helpers, and it's helping to a degree, but a lot is still falling through the cracks. It's like watching an impending train wreck. My sister-in-law is POA so she holds the cards. My only guess is that my sister-in-law only sees negatives with Memory Care and not the positives. At what point does this become neglect? It's definitely strained the relationship between us. I love and want the best for her parents, and leaving them alone at home is very precarious. I'm incredibly frustrated.
While you could go to court to have your SIL removed as POA, I suspect the time and cost involved, as well as having sufficient evidence of her failure to act in the parents' best interest will not be worth the trouble.
You can continue advocating for your In-Laws, as you obviously care what happens to them. Unfortunately, your SIL is in charge of making the decisions.
If your sister in law is open, you could take her to tour the memory care facilities you have chosen. Perhaps she will see them differently than she imagines, which could help to sway her.
You could stop traveling to help every time your SIL determines there's a crisis which requires your help. That's hard to do. We are all conditioned, as I'm sure your husband is, to immediately go see our parents when we hear there is a downturn in their health, or they need help. But, by running every time she says "jump", you are helping to enable the notion that your in-laws can stay independent in their own home.
How do your mother and father in law feel about the prospect of moving to a memory care facility? If they would be open, perhaps you just need to have them convince their daughter this is the right move for them.
Is your husband still in denial, or is he accepting but reluctant to confront his sister, or is he on board but she ignores him?
If no one is the PoA for your in-laws and you are in disagreement with your SIL about a sustainable care plan, you are under no obligation to participate in orbiting around them. I would make it clear to your SIL that you won't be participating in any further orbiting because the current arrangement isn't sustainable for you. BUt this needs to come from your husband to give it teeth and not create an international incident. Once she gets a taste of the reality of having to do it by herself, she will probably change her mind. You don't have to give her any reasons because "no" is a complete sentance. If you give reasons she will attempt to negotiate with you. Your MIL needs MC or LTC and not AL. Your FIL will eventually burn out and will have his remaining health negatively impacted.