My husband says he might have to quit his job and move in with his mom?

From EastEagle, I would like to add something - again!! I mentioned that my Mother is 91, will be 92 in August. She is legally blind and hard of hearing. She is blind in one eye, and has poor vision in her "good" eye. Legally blind is a term which means that the person is either totally blind, OR, has poor vision. In Massachusetts, and I'm sure in all States, it entitles the person to receive benefits and help from either Massachusetts Association for the Blind, or Commission for the Blind. My Mother is eligible for reading aids, and even FREE Volunteers who would go to her house and help her with errands, and food shopping, they will read books, newspapers, mail, letters, and help her to write letters, etc. and provide other needs. My Mother's Eye Doctor already had the Comm. for the Blind send a Social Worker to her house to do a Vision Evaluation, and to check her house for any safety issues. They have all kinds of visual aids, and they even have fantastic phones for the vision & hearing impaired. They gave my Mother a Magnifier reading aid, which my Mother has refused to use, and she promptly put in the closet, and I have never seen it. She would not let them return to her house, in fact, she told everyone that the Woman who went to her house was "a very low class person." These benefits are either totally free, or according to income, the person may have to pay a small fee for the services. The Home Aids are totally FREE, since they are volunteers, and are carefully screened. So, my point is, My Mother could be getting help right now from these people, but she has classified them as low class. I have read books about Aging Parents, such as: "Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent" by Grace Lebow & Barbara Kane. The book says that if we have Difficult or Demanding Parents, we need to "understand" them better, & try to put ourselves in their shoes, and to not get upset with them. Sorry, but I just don't agree. That is very easy for them to say. I have tried to be understanding, and there is no reasoning with my Mother. It is just a shame that she refuses to accept all of the help available from these 2 organizations for the blind. I just wanted to let u all know about the help that is available to vision and hearing impaired people, of all ages, but especially for the Elderly with who have these issues.

Kimber116, I wish I did that. Instead, I put my mom's needs 1st because she "needed help" and "no one else was stepping up". Well, they were stepping up, but just not how I thought they should. Ha! So arrogant of me. I was actually envious of them because they set boundaries and had a life.

Anxiouswife59, encourage hubby to take a 2-week vacation (or FMLA) and be with his mom 24/7 alone. Only then will you & he talk options.

Kimber 166, Good for you, Take the family vacation that you have planned. These are precious years with your Teen who will soon be gone on to have his own life. It is a shame when oldsters assume that everyone else will take care of all the details that they are no longer able to.
It would be nice if all the kids stood up and said "I you want to own a home then you either pay for services or do them yourselves. If you cannot do that then it's
time for a condo. We have jobs and families of our own to take care of" Unfortunately some feel that everyone should pitch in and be at the beck and call of the needy ones. Until everyone is on the same page it will be a family war.
Maybe writing a letter to the over worked and let them know that you feel they should not be shouldering the brunt of all the work and that you would like to have a talk with the parents about dumping all these jobs on him?
Best of luck this is a tough situation.

Darn straight he'll be giving up everything he enjoys! Basically, he will not have a life!

EastEagle - I feel sorry for your brother!!! I married a modern man - he does equal cooking, housework, parenting (he did first diapers and baths of our son) and I have a career. I encourage his hobbies, he encourages mine. During my maternity leave he would come home for the afternoon so I could get out and golf with friends (with my pump - pumping after 9 holes).

Husbands and wives should encourage each other for hobbies, have things they do together, share time together, and parent together. It means communication, share and negotiate expectations, and be willing to work together at it.

We both grew up in households where dad called the shots and didn't do much parenting. Mom was resentful and had a fight on her hands when she wanted to work, and then had all of the housework, cooking, etc because dad refused to help.

For me, I'm willing to help, but I'm not willing to enable. I'm willing to help, but I will not be an unpaid slave. And Yes, I pi$$ off a lot of my family - especially the ones who want free labor or free loans (gifts - why should we pay you back), etc.

I would like to ask another question about the Husband. Is he willing to give up everything he enjoys? I am assuming that he must have friends, and outside hobbies, and maybe he enjoys sports, such as playing golf, or going to baseball games, soccer, etc.?? Most men love to get away from it all, and go out with their buddies. We all need a mental health day. My Brother cannot do any of these things, not because of our Mother, but because he has a controlling wife who will not let him enjoy his weekend off, and now he has high blood pressure & takes 3 meds. So, I was just wondering about the Husband.

How come when a parent is doing "independent living" I am so tired???

Kimber, my parents were the same way. They never had to care for their parents so they had no idea how much work is involved. Of course, my parents had refused downsizing into something more manageable. Dad was always calling up asking me to help on this or that.

Eventually my own age decline rushed at me, and Dad couldn't figure out why I was declining going out to buy 30 bags of mulch and helping him put the mulch the flower beds.... I just couldn't do it any more. Oh the guilt trips.

I remember back when my Dad asked me to give up my career so I would have more time to help him and Mom. I then turned to Dad and asked him if he had given up his career to help his own parents or my Mom's parents.... of course, his answer was no.

It finally took a therapy for me to understand that "any decisions that our parents make that our parents need to take FULL responsibility for their choices". Eventually I realized I was actually enabling my parents to keep up their life style while giving up my own :P

EastEagle - I am with you and I am only in my 40's with a 7 1/2 year old son and husband. My husband has interests and enjoys then without guilt. when his parents berate him for taking his son for a week camping & hiking - he reminds THEM that they had a vacation house when they were our age and enjoyed that. (His parents now feel that any and all free time should be spent flying out east helping them remain "independent" in their home. He has no guilt saying "pi$$ off".

Me, on the other hand, everytime I pursue my interests and hobbies (education for work, music, golf, outings with my son) I feel enormous guilt. My mom "ohhhhhhh....... that sounds so nice" or my stepmom "gosh..... I would love to be able to leave your dad long enough to........" and I feel guilty. my husband totally supports me and reminds me - when your mom and stepmom were in their 40's, they were going camping, to Las Vegas, etc. It is not YOUR fault they didn't take care of old parents" (grandparents VOLUNTARLY went into assisted living or... died younger - in their mid 60's). My husband keeps me sane - reminds me it is not my fault they are aging, not my fault they refuse to take advantage of services and options available to them, and NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY to become a slave to their work load demands and NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY to see that they are happy. But gosh it is hard to internalize.....

is it because we are women and daughters?

To PhoenixDaughter, you are so right. I do have one question for everyone on here: All of us have spent most of our lives going to school, and then working, and/or raising our own children, and taking care of chores and housework, and as we also start to age, we try to take time to enjoy ourselves while we can. I think we also feel that "time is not on our side" and that we should make the most of the time we do have left. Some of us cannot afford go on expensive vacations, even though some of us have Parents who were able to do that, maybe even going on trips without their children. So, does anyone else suffer from guilt every time they go out to enjoy themselves? OR, to pursue their hobbies?? I have many outside interests, hobbies, and some night time Adult Education classes, BUT, every time I go out and spend time on my own interests, I feel guilty, because I am always think of my Mother who is home alone and socially isolated, and that I am not giving her ALL of my time. Even when it is her own choice to remain isolated, and not join a Senior Center, etc. I still put all the guilt on me. We all deserve to have our own lives, but our Parents make it so difficult to enjoy anything without feeling guilty about it. Thanks everyone.

Now my mum has these moments of 'independence day'. When my daughter was gently berating her for pissing me right off, she said to my daughter who is 43 so takes no 5hit eitherI don't need your Mum to look after me I can look after myself.

So OK let's just look at that, can you get the meds out of the dosette box? No your mum does that

Can you wipe your bottom? I used to Yes but can you now? No but your mum does that

Can you dress and undress yourself? Yes of course I can your Mum helps me

Can you prepare a meal? I don't need to your Mum brings it in for me

Can you make your bed? You are being silly ou know your mum does that

Can you push the hoover? Oh now that bit I can't do its too heavy so your mum does that

Can you change a toilet roll? I never could figure out how to do that so Your mum does that

What about the mail and the bills? Oh now your mum DOES do that for me I agree

What about the washing? Well she does that too I suppose but only because I can't carry things and walk and the washing is too heavy and I can't open the door of the washer. I could do it otherwise!

KT and I just smiled at each other. Yes Mum of course you don't need me around!

To Babalou, I totally agree with your term: "the slavery of others". There is a big difference between "Honoring our Parents" and being forced into the "slavery" of caring for them. My Mother did not have to take care of her own Mother, because my Grandmother had 3 Daughters and she was willing to work with them, not against them. Example, my Grandmother liked staying over at their homes on the weekends, if she was not feeling well. My Mother and her 2 Sisters, did not have to quit their jobs, and in fact, My Mother worked until she was 68 years old, and was able to get her retirement money. My Mother just found out that my brother finally ordered a Medical Alert system for her, in fact her own Doctor told her that she needed to have one, but my Mother had refused. She has fallen more than 4 times, so far she has not broken any bones, but she was in pain for weeks. However, she just informed me that she is not happy about my brother getting the med. alert system. She refuses to face the truth about her own safety.

lol send you nutter

Kimber, tell your hubs to stand strong. Their independence should not come at the cost of the slavery of others.

There are centenarians who are proud to announce to the world "I'm 100." Good grief! Who really wants to live to be 100 when the person has reverted to babyhood? !!!!!!!

Yea, yea sure the elder says "I am okay living alone." What about the fire you started in your microwave, when were you going to tell me you fell 2 times I asked my mother? I didn't have to lift her boobs as they were down to her waist but yes I bathed her entire naked body! Is the OP prepared to change the diaper, too?

That was for Kimber.

Send a contractor over to their home.
Your son can visit the grandparents when he has a much longer break from school. The memories I have of visiting (and helping) my grandparents will always be precious to me. If there was a financial need it did not come into my awareness-they had just bought a house-we helped dig holes for fence posts.
We asked if we could help-were not told to help. It was fun. " We " is my siblings in this case.

I'm feeling a little like a boiled owl right now. My in-laws at 78 did not relocate to senior housing, they bought a 2 story house, with a basement, in a small town 45 miles away from their doctors and my brother in law.

They don't need assisted living, because they are "independent" and can live on their own................... with my brother and sister in law's help snow blowing, gutter cleaning, bringing in groceries, driving to doctor appointments. You get it.

So, my son has a week between school and his summer program in June. Everyone blew up at us over the weekend (all inlaws) since we are going to take my son to a cabin on Lake Superior hiking, golfing, etc. We should be flying out east to help my in laws re-coat their deck, clean their windows, repaint, because they 1) won't pay anyone!!! 2) my brother and sister in law are sick of it and 3) because children owe their parents -that is what !!!

My husband joked and said "I thought you didn't want to look at assisted living because you are independent - so be independent already". Anyway - we have world war III going on. My husband feels that they should pay for these services since they can and I agree with him.

But we are getting no end of grief. @#$@#$ it anyway!

Wait! Did someone mention being the 100th poster was a good thing?

As always, the Phoenix has risen, out of the depths of despair, to live another day; to give out wise advice, and the best wise cracks!

This coming from the heathen amongst you

1 Timothy 5:4 But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.

The cynic in me could rewrite this very easily:
NE Government 20:16
But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to care for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is saving the country zillions

JustA,

Glad you came to vent. It is a learning experience for me. Mom, 91, is totally self care. Well.............not totally, but self sufficient, as far as bathing, she does remember that, eats by herself, makeup, makes her bed, but cannot manage her meds, appointments, days of the week, and everything new is too complicated.
Time will tell how things will deteriorate. I am aware, anxious and grieving
in advance for what's coming down the pike.
She lives with us, tries to help me with any chores and doesn't
meddle in my marriage.
I am happy I can help her, but most of the time, she is very clingy
and I am having a great deal of struggling with this.
Hmmm......

M88. :^(

Whoa! This is all I can say! Whao! Your husband obviously does not have a cooking clue what it means to take care of his mother! Changing a baby's nappy and washing an elderly women's private parts, putting on a clean under clothes is two totally different stories. I have to tell my mom to please pick up her boobs so that I can wash underneath and I totally HATE to do that. Is he prepared to do that? Helping her in the toilet? Whether he quit his job and go live with her, he will eventually need to get some one to come and help with all these tasks. So, better get some one to help her now and pay for the service. It is much like, if you can not fix your own car, pay some one to do that for you. Your hubby will not be able to take care of his mother, it takes much more than he thinks. Trust me on this one - we also were forced to take in my parents and thought it could not be that bad! Yes, until the next morning when your realize that you have to wash and dress them and clean the night's potty, etc!
And I also agree - do not take her in your house. It eventually becomes a nightmare. A night out here and a day of there, does not help. When you get home - the problem is still there, it did not went away while your were away. You does pick up the pieces again and carry on as it you did not even had a break.
I also have children though mine are all married with kids. But they can not come to visit - taking care of old people is a full time job - you have to excuse yourself to wash them, put their pajamas on, feed them and put them in bed - old people wants to go to bed very early! Your grandchildren are too noisy for them. They are not used to little ones running around anymore. Your will lose out one the best years of your own children, the best years of your marriage and one your grandchildren one day.
Trust me, eventually you end up praying that God will have mercy and just take them - I think it is horrible but that is reality! Maybe nobody else will be prepared to tell you that in words, but I am sure that is a lot of people out there who also feel the same way. I do not want them to live another five, six, seven or more years and steal the healthy time that I can still have with my husband and with my children and grandchildren. When they were my age, they went camping each and every year for almost 18 years for three months out of the year each year. Not taking care of their parents or any body. And now they also refuse to go to an old age home and forces us to take care of them. I think it is selfish and unfair. I do not give me that crap about "I have cared for you when you was a child, now you have to care for me!" I did not asked you to have me - that was part of your life's joy! My children is part of my life's joy! I wanted them and enjoyed them! I did not have them so that I can have somebody to take care of me if I live to be a hundred!
Ask you husband to please first take a week or two and go spent some time at a place for old people to see what is needed before he decides to quit his job. I understand that he feels responsible, but he clearly does not know what it means to take care of his mother.

There are so many schools of thought on caregiving. We will all face it should our parents live long enough. Elders are stubborn, but who can blame them really?

Much of what was written about caregiving was written by Paul, the unmarried 13th Apostle who was in prison most of the time, it seems. He for sure never had to care for his aging parents. I bet they were a handful, since Saul (AKA Paul) was a super bad dude before he was struck blind.

Sorry we're getting a touch biblical here. MaryKathleen, I empathize so much with what you're saying. I'm not anywhere close to suicide, but I am far from being happy right now. Today was a bad day. I want to crawl under a table and tell people to leave me alone. (I feel better seeing myself do that. :-)

And to tell the truth, I haven't seen a church take care of its widows.

I also noted the failure to mention widowers. It's like it is assumed they will die young -- either that or that men never need help.

JessieBelle, I tried it. My marriage failed. I ran away and took care of her by making sure she had a good place to live, food, clothes, and medical care. When she was terminal I did bring her back into my house for her last month. She has been dead for 12 years next month. If I had had to live with her again, I would have committed suicide and I am not joking. Caring for a parent doesn't mean we have to take them into our homes. I can't believe a loving god would make me go through that again.

Amen and nothing is said at all about widowers. Note the qualifications for which widows the church is expected to care for. Quite a list!

I just tried to find the scripture that says to take widows into the home. The only thing I can find right off is that children and grandchildren should care for the widowed parent. I think the rest could have been the writer's interpretation.

The Bible does say that if a widow has children or grandchildren, then they should take the widow into their home. I was just reading that this morning. It didn't say which child or grandchild should do it, only that God would be pleased with the loving showed. I don't think it says anywhere that the children should go to the parent's house.