Husband and I took my mom in four months ago, agreeing that we would take her in (on my siblings' request -- 7 of them!... 6 older and 1 younger) and my siblings would help take her to her doctor appointments, get her address changed and other obligations taken care of. Unfortunately, the majority of them ended up doing nothing. On top of that, when I pretty much pleaded for their help as promised, they started attacking me, cursing my family and my children "ten folds", saying we were going to hell, for us to stay away from them as we are no longer part of their family, etc. We no longer talk to my siblings.
I attended a family meeting a couple of months ago and couldn't believe my ears when my mother lied to them about my husband and I right in front of me. It was very hurtful and I was told by another sister that my mom said a bunch of things to her separately, i.e., she asked me to translate some paperwork for her and I just yelled at her, husband and I don't cook for her, etc. My mom has never been an easy person to live with. I am 26 years old and haven't lived with her since I was 12. I work full-time and I also go to school.
With all of this drama, especially the fact that my siblings don't do anything for my mom (as promised) but have the audacity to attack us repeatedly, my husband wants my mom out. I understand where he is coming from as I have been stressed out to the max as well. My grades were falling and I became very scattered at work. I also started to fall into a depression and sometimes thought about leaving my mom and my husband alone in the home. My husband says either she goes, or he goes. We have two little girls together. My siblings keep saying they'll find an alternate home for her but it's been over one month and we were told they haven't done so.
I honestly can't live with my mom, but I feel guilty for not letting her stay. Of course we are just trying to pressure the siblings to meet their end of the bargain and find her a place already. I just hate being stuck in the middle of it all. Help?!
AND, I bet the agreement that your sibs would help out, and in what ways, when, was only verbal?
Your husband makes very good sense!
He is also giving you an ultimatum: He is telling you Mom must leave....the spoken or IMPLIED ultimatum says "or I will leave you".
You need to clarify this with him.
Talk with him about his feelings on this.
Learn if he has been avoiding telling you things relevant to living with Mom from his perspective.
Ask him what he fears about it, or if Mom has been giving him grief behind your back, or???
It may also mean the 2 of you need some counseling, to help repair your relationships before things spin too far off-kilter.
Get that help!
We learned that, thanks to Obamacare, we now have UNlimited counseling both thru my HMO plan, and thru my spouses' VA medical--which is a vast improvement from the insurance companies only allowing 6 to 12 counseling visits annually--I think it is that way now, thru all insurance plans?
WE took Mom into our home: she BEGGED us to move her up to our place
--even though we had less income and tinier house than any of the other sibs.
I suckered for her pleadings--none of the others at that time, stepped forward.
Later, my sibs made numerous comments about "you didn't have to move mom to your place, she could have come live with us!"
Of course, by then, Mom had been feeding them "horror stories" she made up about living here. The sister who was most vocal about taking Mom then, had also been the one to totally remove all bedroom furniture from their spare room, making it into a different kind of use, after Mom had stayed there for only a few months--then making lame lying excuses for that maneuver!
NOTHING you can do will undo what Mom has done to break up family relations.
Consider that family relations were fragile to start with.
Your Mom may have no idea her words/actions achieved that breakage, since she was probly so deep into trying to get what she believes is her needs met, she never realized consequences of her lies;
WORSE, she DOES know, and it gives her a false sense of power and control, which she revels in [mine did], and will keep escalating to keep feeling that rush of power and control.
Like children, elders who have lost much [literally & figuratively], will seek attention, even bad attention, just to get close to what they want in their imaginations.
ALSO, genuinely close family relations, can usually survive things like an elder's dementia or misbehaviors, and keep their bonds.
HOWEVER, those with fragile family bonds, as in dysfunctional families, and/or when there are problems with mental health, addictive behaviors, etc., are very fragile relationships, and will break, often for good, in the face of things like this.
Elders tend to sit -isolated- way to much, allowing them to manufacture stuff in their head, then act on it as if it is true----it is, in their mind!
IF it has not gotten too far advanced, it might be almost possible to get the elder involved in socializing with her peers, to divert them from thinking it's all your fault [whatever that might be].
BUT, if she has dementia, or other common mental/emotional or addictive behaviors,- isolating- (where she stays in her room or otherwise keeps to herself and refuses hugs, refuses verbal conversation, etc) , is hard to change.
IF IT SEEMS there has already been too much damage in your family, it will pretty much keep getting worse, like a runaway train.
When it has gone so far as to split family members up, it would be difficult,
and more like throwing yourself against a brick wall, to try anything to fix it
--besides, you cannot fix someone else, only yourself.
You can still help YOUR immediate family before things get worse.
You might do very well to get help from Social Workers, and/or the "Area Agency on Aging" in your area.
Make sure other officials know what your circumstances are.
SUGGESTIONS:
1. ONLY communicate with siblings and resource people in writing, or with a witness of your choice present; or at least keep a diary of daily contacts, times, and content of conversation.
2. GET a tiny micro-cassette recorder, keep on you at all times, and record Mom's and siblings verbals; keep them in a file in case you need them.
This is not just to "catch them" in their behaviors,
AND, this ALSO helps YOU to hear what it sounds like--both what Mom or your sibs say, as well as what you say back and forth.
You would be surprised how different it sounds on tape, and how one can see the conversation differently, by listening to it on tape.
You might discover your own need to get your own verbals back on a better track, or might discover new ways to communicate better.
3. Write a formal business letter to your siblings, and send it "return receipt requested"
By taking this formal measure to enlist them into Mom's care,
they will do one of a few things:
they will refuse to accept the letter; they will accept it, but refuse to answer it; or they will answer it.
(2 of my sibs refused it; 1 waited until it was about to be returned unopened to pick it up then never answered it; the 4th received it immediately, but didn't answer it--and denied she'd gotten it when we spoke by phone the Monday after).
THE LETTER I wrote was at a Social Worker's suggestion, had all their names/address/phones across the top, like a business letter.
CONTENT is SIMPLE: cover things needing joint decision making
(I knew my sibs would never do it, because they far preferred to do verbal since they could play the "plausible deniability" game at me--say one thing one time, totally different next time--That was one of Mom's favorite games, and my sibs played it extremely well.
INCLUDE THINGS LIKE:
1. What type of mortuary/funerary preferences do you feel are what Mom wants? a. cremation; b. donation to science; c. embalm or not? d. burial where? e. Other?
2. WHO do you want to be the POA or Executor of Mom's estate?
a. All of us together; b. One? [who?]___c. Outside representative [who?]
3. IT IS immediately necessary to find a more suitable place for Mom to live;
we cannot keep her in our home any longer than it takes to find a more suitable place. (You do NOT owe them any explanation for this change!!)
a. Do you want Mom living under your roof with you? b. Do you want her to stay in an elder care facility near you? c. Do you want her to move to an elder care facility near me?
INCLUDE: whatever other questions you need, for your circumstances, to get caretaking of Mom clarified amongst you and your sibs, in writing
I made mine so they only had to circle a choice and return a copy of the letter with their answers on it: a copy returned to to me, so it was clear I could not be seen as having changed their answers!
Letter is:
LIMITED to: facts, data, specifics to do with Mom's care.
LEAVE OUT: emotional descriptors, accusations, feelings.
You will need to give them about a month
--check with the post office to learn how long it takes before the USPS returns a rejected "return receipt requested" letter.
KEEP the return receipts and the letters that get returned in a file.
At a certain point, ONE of them will likely jump to a sudden "rescue"
--that is, they may pull a sudden "move mom to a safe" place maneuver, based on Mom's accusations that you are doing her harm.
One of my sisters swooped into town [from 3 States away!], pulling a 007 maneuver--keeping it secret to the last minute. But I knew something was going on by how they acted, and a few cues given.
So I was almost prepared for someone to show up, and they did by the end of the 1st week after that letter was received.
PUT YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW as much as possible BEFORE you mail that letter. BE PREPARED: Estranged Siblings will not likely try to patch things up with you--they will keep to themselves.
Acknowledge your losses, and allow yourself to grieve.
Leave your "door open" so to speak: let THEM be the ones who cut communications: YOU always make sure they have a way to communicate with you by email or letter
--avoid phone conversations.
Part with them by saying things like:
"I wish you well", and,
"Please keep me updated on Mom's health and welfare, I care deeply."
Just know, it is common for broken family members to stay broken.
Keep breathing.
You are in good company of many who have been through stuff like this.
It WILL get better.
You WILL feel like laughing again.
Focus on putting your immediate family back together as healthy as you can.
Get help if you need to.
Keep us posted about your progress!
{{{hugs!}}}
Chi
.
Enough about my mother. I would call somebody for assistance to help you get her into a place and please do not feel guilty about it.
As for your siblings, stories like this make me feel releieved that I was the only one.
I always knew in my heart that if I had a brother or sister that my mother would have pitted us against each other. She likes to see people not content with life.
A very bad character flaw and it took me to this age to finally see it.
notice everyone how he never offers a solution? that's because pretend christians, the kind who offer nothing but shame and guilt, never do. all they offer is pain while they pretend to better than we are.
there are caregivers in this place who are honest, loving, caring, true Christian men and women, you will know them by the LOVE they show.
this man is false through and through and he and his ilk disgust me beyond all measure. be gone you demon!
'done' together. His privacy, his wife's attention and his ability to give her his attention, is all greatly restricted when a person is brought into the home. Again, as a married couple, that relationship must come first, because children need to be in a loving and stable home. Very often, parents believe that all their lives - because "I gave you life" - their children are indebted primarily to them. I believe that as parents we are called to take on the full responsibility of raising our children, our gifts from God, and then they move on, grown up and do the same for their kids. Helping parents doesn't mean letting them suck the lifeblood from your marriage and separate existence as an adult.
A family acquaintance of mine once had her mother, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer, come live with her. At the time she had a 12 year old son at home and was married. Their home was such that the master bedroom was on the main floor and two small bedrooms were upstairs. The husband and wife vacated their own room for her mother, who couldn't climb stairs. Her prognosis was about 4-6 months. With the wonderful care this woman gave her mother, she lived over 2 years. By the time she passed away (I was there with them that day) this caregiver's hair was falling out, she was having severe anxiety attacks, pulled her shoulder out and barely could move it from lifting and bathing her mother, and she and her husband were constantly 'at' each other. Their son took to things like super gluing the coffee pot to the counter and slashing tires in the neighborhood. The stress was so huge that, even with Hospice to help and other family and friends, a counselor finally was brought into the picture who advised her that she needed to get her mother out of there. Really, had she known that it would be over two years I am certain they would have figured something out differently. Her mother had very little money so Medicaid would have definitely been the way to go, in a nursing home close by with her 'being there' to make sure she was well cared for. And once someone is 'in' it is very hard to get them out. There are very good reasons to have boundaries and to say "this is what I can do, nothing more" honestly. If other people judge you or talk about you it really doesn't matter. It is YOUR life.
(((((((((MystiqueMay)))))))))))) how are you and yours doing. I can only support that husband and children come first, and as for siblings - if they are not true friends too, then you are better off to detach and distance, and create more family by gathering around you the people who do care.
Clearly, facilities are not perfect, but those are what we have.
Some are better than others.
Facilities can do the heavy/difficult care families cannot, for elders with problems families are simply not equipped to handle.
This can allow a graceful distance in which family limits their visits, which can potentially help them develop memories of a few "nice" conversations or events during visits, so they have something nice to remember of that person when they are gone, instead of only the bad memories of how that person caused harm, drilled into their brains.
Please take heed:
One of my Great-Gma's had an attitude kinda like yours, matthew24242424.
Stuck with an abusive husband, for over 60 years, brow-beaten by her church to stick with him. Their 3 children grew up with abusive behaviors to one degree or another, and perpetrated them to their children.
I still have a letter she wrote, saying she didn't understand why my Gma couldn't stick with her son, Gma's husband, despite him trying to cut Gma's throat in sober anger. [no, GreatGma didn't mention that in the letter--that event was told to me by Gma while explaining how the scar got on her neck].
Gma managed to stay with her abusive spouse until their 2 kids were teens
--just after the throat cutting incident, when she said "that's enuf!!".
She tried all she could to keep that marriage together, unwittingly subjecting the kids [my Mom and Uncle] to the turmoil and damage that kind of relationship causes.
Mother brought some of those abusive behaviors forward from generations before her, despite trying to prevent them [so did my Uncle], and a twisted need to have a husband who would "do battle" with her [she found him on the 3rd try; she divorced away 2 husbands before finding the 3rd guy].
Mom was damaged from growing up in an abusive household and extended family, compounded by the church mandates to honor parents, etc. guilting---it helped escalate her bipolar behaviors, caused her to develop split personalities, and started her onto substance abuse. Uncle had abusive dysfunctional behaviors, alcoholism, ended up losing a wonderful family, and died from his alcoholism, nearly alone.
Abuse is NOT protected by any "turn the other cheek" rule, either.
NO! Biblical advice never says to stay with abusive partners, NOR to keep a parent in your home who is causing destruction of / in the family unit.
Jesus and other spiritual teachers of good standing, NEVER told anyone to become a martyr in any way that caused harm to others.
That sort of guilt-tripping is terribly dysfunctional, and has to stop, if humanity is going to truly improve.
Churches, groups or individuals that promote that kind of guilt-tripping are destructive of families, people and society; this has caused harm for generations, those who promote it are in the game for their own power and control.
PLEASE save yourself from that kind of disaster!
LOVEing someone also means loving yourself.
Loving someone, as a good parent must do while bringing up children, also includes being able to set limits on childish behaviors in elders, and including recognizing when one cannot provide adequate care for their elder.
IF the family or person is being harmed by having to provide care for a sick elder, the elder needs a more suitable place to live, out of that family.
As one Gma used to say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder".
Giving the elder proper care in a facility, or at a different family member's home, is better than allowing the situation to destroy people who can no longer withstand constant verbal, mental and emotional abuse from an elder they are trying to care for, or being physically and financially wiped out from single-handed 24/7 caregiving.
Helping an elder get proper care in a facility, IS taking the high road of providing proper care--of both the elder and the family they come from--that is LOVE--and LOVE is what Good Books from all time and all religions have taught.
matthew24242424
Location: Los Angeles, CA
I am caring for someone, living at independent living.
he/she doesn't have to deal with or take care of his/her parents on a daily basis, he/she has no real idea of the genuinely hard work all of you do. this nasty mean rotten pretend christian has no business telling any of you anything.
so don't listen to him/her. ignore and report all comments that use religion to preach for they are against the rules in here.
I have never reported another person on this site, but I have reported you. You are a sick person. You give no comfort, just lectures. Please enjoy your lectures, but keep them to yourself. If you are a man, my guess is someone else did all the work while you sat on your fat biblical ass and preached. Go away and as the scripture says, F**f off.