Hi everyone. I have followed the posts on this forum and need some outside viewpoints/advice on my situation.
I am single, in my early 30's and live at home with my mother who has chronic heart failure. I suffer from depression and have been trying to make a life for myself but I cannot move on because I find it hard to ignore my mom.
For what it's worth my mom and I do not have a good relationship. She was extremely abusive growing up and I feel I should not be obligated to take care of someone who mistreated me. She has also been diagnosed by a professional with Narcissistic Personality disorder so she is difficult to be around.
Health wise she uses a potty chair (which I take care of), and can eat and drink fine although because of her knees and weight (she is easily over 300 lbs and just turned 70) she doesn't walk much with her walker. For the past few years I have been the person getting the groceries, gas, making meals, doing the laundry and trying to clean the house. Her biggest reason for not doing anything (leaving her bed) was that she couldn't see because of her cataracts. Well I took her to get them removed and she is still not active as she had said she was going to be.
I really, really, really resent taking care of her. Like, I cannot put into words how much I dislike her.
But I feel really bad for her because she has no one so I am the one she leans onto. I've brought up nursing homes but she refuses (basically she is not on Medicaid and cannot be on Medicaid because of some property dilemma) and her dream is to move to a retirement community but that would entail selling the house. The house is not cleaned up enough for home health care people to come in and I have no help in packing things up. I suffer from depression and schizoaffective disorder/ocd. The burden she is putting on me is TOO MUCH.
So this summer I went and stayed with a friend for two months to see if my mom could make it on her own. When I came back the house was a mess and she had gone through all of the groceries I bought her (several months worth). I was very disturbed by the condition of the kitchen although she did try to use the bathroom toilet which is very close to her bedroom.
I want to move out, get a profession, finish my degree and get away from her. However I feel really awful for leaving her (she likes to guilt trip me) but she refuses to cooperate/get help so I don't know what my options are.
Should I just leave her and hope she'll cave in and get some professional help to move out (or help her with the stuff I'm doing)? I don't want to put my life on hold any longer and I feel a deep amount of hatred and resentment for helping her when she has been so awful to me my entire life.
I made a 25 page packet of senior resources and numbers for her to call to get services/help. But because of her cataracts she couldn't read. Now she has to get reading glasses, and I'm just so frustrated.
Being around her triggers and worsens my depression and anxiety and I don't think it's healthy to continue to help her. Would I be wrong for moving out? Everyone else in our family has passed away and I'm an only child. I feel guilty for moving out but I really really need to. Any advice would be appreciated. :(
To be cared for, and effectively controlled by, someone with a “deep amount of hatred and resentment” is not good for her in any way. Set your mother free. Let her find her own future with that retirement home dream.
I try to look at posts like this from the opposite perspective, that of the person being described, not the person posting. For you, yes, be free without guilt.
Call APS on your way out (vulnerable adult needs resources).
The condition of the house (home help cannot come in) is exactly when Mom needs outside help. Bring in help anyway, don't wait.
If you were able to help Mom, you would have made calls to get her resources lined up. You are not able, and must help yourself now.
It is understandable that you cannot, and understandable that she cannot.
You and Mom don't need punishment for that, you each need help, but live separately. You won't get well staying stuck where you are.
"I suffer from depression and schizoaffective disorder/ocd. The burden she is putting on me is TOO MUCH."
"I feel a deep amount of hatred and resentment for helping her when she has been so awful to me my entire life."
"Being around her triggers and worsens my depression and anxiety and I don't think it's healthy to continue to help her."
SAVE YOURSELF.
I like what Barb wrote -- you are enabling her and preventing her from getting the help she needs.
Your staying is called "enabling". The sooner you leave, the sooner your mom will get help.
After you leave you can always make a report to APS if you feel she is truly a danger to herself.
Good for you for seeing this situation with such clarity! It speaks well of you that you can do so despite the tragic circumstances you’ve endured all these years.
Best to you!😊