For over 6 years now I’ve cared for my 94 yr. old mother with dementia for six months out of the year. My sister has her the other six. I’m a widow, so being alone, I can’t even go to the bathroom without hurrying for fear she will fall. Even though she is legally blind and has hearing loss, she can still shower, dress herself, watch tv, carry on short conversations and get around the house. She is a fall risk and needs the constant supervision and attention similar to what a four year old would need. My home smells and looks like a nursing home a lot of the time. We have daily battles about small things that come up, like throwing her garbage on the floor, sticking her chewed gum all over the place or losing her teeth in her pockets somewhere or throwing them away wrapped in her napkin. She’s angry with me a lot of the time. Seems nothing I can do makes her any happier.
When she is watching her show with her “tv ears” on, sometimes she will cry and talk to my dad saying she wants to be with him. She will cry about all her limitations and the loss of her independence. I think when she has her tv ears on she feels like no one is around to hear her. It’s a regular thing that happens.
I feel bad. I don’t go over to hug her. I do cry a little when she’s going through that, but I don’t feel close to her anymore. I try hard to be soft and caring with her, but eventually it just turns into stress and frustration. Our relationship is just “do my job, take care of her/ battle with her”. I realize a lot of it is my attitude and perception but it’s difficult to shake.
I feel terrible that I don’t feel the urge to hug her and
I feel like I have a cold heart. Actually, most of the time
I just feel numb of everything around me.
I’m I the only cold hearted one out there?
You are not alone. I am in a similar situation with my mother who is 97! I moved in with her 3 years ago and still work full time. I have a caregiver that takes care of her during the day and I take care of her every nite and on one of my days off. She drives me crazy sometimes with her calling me for no reason and waking me up 3 or 4 times a nite. I find myself yelling at her and not just because she is hard of hearing. I recently started to look at old photos of us and our family. It reminds me that this is the person I'm taking care of. I can't says that I blame her for clinging to me. After all she's lost all her siblings and all of her close friends and now I'm the only one left in her world. It makes it easier to be kinder to her and I try to make her laugh whenever I can. I play the balloon game with her which is really good at. You just blow up a balloon and bat it back and forth. It's good arm exercise for her and great for to maintain her reflexes. You can't help but laugh. She also has dementia but it hasn't progressed a lot, but I'm lucky that at least she can't walk much so at least I don;t have to worry about her turning on the stove and leaving it on.
What we are doing is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do. They will push all our buttons until we scream. You need to remember to take care of yourself too. Take a day off and don't feel guilty about it. It really helps a lot. If you don't have the money to hire a caregiver, then check with I.H.S.S ( In home support services ) or the Veterans administration. I'm getting help from both to take care of my mother. My father was a WWII vet and the VA will help the spouses of veterans. I don't know what I would have done without their help. I wish you a lot of luck and thank you for being such a good person! Hang in there!
It's all the more difficult for us when that parent has become difficult to deal with.
Sometimes, you just need to "do what needs to be done" and not worry about how you feel about it. Been there, done that.
I give you kudos for hanging in there as long as you have. You are a great daughter!!! You are winning your wings to Heaven my dear!
All the best and a very Merry Christmas to you!
Cookie
For a long, long time, I simply thought a weird woman was just getting weirder. Not exactly endearing. But I’m a big girl and (for many valid reasons) I always had a poor opinion of my elders’ coping skills.
By the time Mom’s neuro deterioration branched into physical limitations, I had to do one helluva mental hopscotch.
All the while, my “my way or the highway” mother would not pursue medical care. NO DOCTORS, she’d scream. Belligerently refused to get a diagnosis. Belligerently refused to entertain possible treatments.
This is a woman who had top-notch health insurance and a very generous long-term care policy.
Mom could barely function in her own home, but would not entertain the option of in-home care or any other (read: safer) living arrangement.
The kicker: Back when Mom had all her buttons, she preached “listen to your doctor” and “take care of yourself” and “it’s so important to have your paperwork in order” to everyone else.
Also - for as long as I could remember - Mom was supportive and encouraging when someone moved an elder to Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing Care. “You’re just one person. Of course you can’t meet all of his/her needs.” “Don’t feel guilty. You’re doing the right thing.” “When my time comes, I’ll gladly go.”
Sigh. That all went out the window during Mom’s time of need.
I sympathized with Mom.
I understood her, to a certain extent.
At the the same time, it all became a colossal joke.
I could not remember what it was like to have an actual conversation with my mother - or the last time we had one.
To me, Mom increasingly became more of a project, and less of a person. I was demoralized.
It was an end that I never imagined.
Know that her anger and uncooperativeness is her age and not directed at your self esteem. Maybe keep a journal of your feelings.
It is hard. You are an angel to care for her as you do.
(about a year ago I was on here asking for help because my mother started sleeping with me and I had absolutely no alone time! You all helped me get past that).
All that crying seemed to have helped. (I rarely cry) I woke up today feeling so much better. I was able to have a fresh outlook and felt much better about my mom today. We have had a good day. I can accept my feelings a little more now because I know i’m not alone feeling that way. A lot of my stress comes from hating myself for those feelings. I spend so much of my time trying to make my mother happy. I get hopeful expectations and when it fails I feel defeated. She can’t help how she feels either, she has no control over her life anymore. That’s why she argues and disagrees so much.
I agree with many of you, I think I am depressed and exhausted and burnt out. My sister is too, but she’s less willing to look at assisted living, plus she has a husband to help her. Her attitude has always been “We’ll just do it even if it kills us! Mom doesn’t go into a home!” But, she’s unwilling to go look at how nice many of those places are. My mother has said she gets so tired of moving back and forth and also complains that nothing is “hers” anymore. I think assisted living would give her a place of her own, other people to talk to and she wouldn’t have to be uprooted all the time. Plus I think our time with her would be better.
I think she might actually have an opportunity to be happier
in that environment without my sister and I always being on her for something. Without her having to feel the stress and frustration we feel with her. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do or not, but I think it’s at least time to consider it.
Thanks to all of you. You’ve given me a little more clarity.
I am the local child, and am the one who's been here for my mother. Until very recently (17 days hospitalization, she's in her 2nd rehab facility now which may become her long term care home), I was told by my mother that I didn't do anything (I was the Dummy Daughter Driver -- she lived independently in a condo), and that my time wasn't worth anything.
But now I'm on a short leash for the rehab and my mother. The rehab place has had two people tell me I should be there to help my mother transition -- the doctor said 2 - 3 hours/day. (Well, he said it didn't have to be ME, but of course it means me!)
Yesterday my husband and I went for a visit. Right away I was told what she needs. I got annoyed. "All I do is bring this or that, and the first thing you say to me is your latest need!" Then the crying starts. She's finally acknowledged how much I've been doing. I couldn't resist saying, "Yes, I AM the one who's been doing it all, even though you've told me I don't do anything." The unappreciation is what has caused me to really not like being around my mother. We had a so-so relationship before, but in the past two years it's deteriorated.
It's a chore to go to the rehab/nursing home. Very depressing.
At least I'll be getting compensated now by my brothers, including for the past two years when I was forced into being the Dummy Daughter Driver! My mother can never find out, though, because, "You don't pay family!"
I don't think you are cold hearted, it takes a lot of a person to care for a family member! I am sending hugs! I too constantly felt numb and just wanted to be left alone.