I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown over how my mother treats my dad. Advice?
I feel at the end of my rope! My 87 year old mother has Lewy Body Dementia but is sharp as a tack and shows no signs of it. My dad is 89 and has moderate stage Alzheimer’s. My dad is declining rapidly and watching my mom’s mean and hurtful comments to him are killing me! Until three years ago, my dad did everything for her. Everything!!! Drove her everywhere and did everything around the house. He is unable to do those things anymore and my mom seems to hate him for it.
Thankfully, I have lots of siblings to try and help my dad but it’s getting harder. A couple sisters refuse to talk to my mom because of her abusive behavior towards our dad that has been going on for decades.
I want to be of service to both my parents until the day they pass, but I feel like my mom’s lack of empathy towards him is going to kill me.
He worships her too and it’s so sweet, but he also gets sad when she’s mean to him.
The outside world thinks we have this large and amazing family of 10 including my parents. Most people would never know how cruel my mom is to my dad because she can be so nice and thoughtful to other people, even strangers. She can be a good woman, although some of my siblings would disagree, she can be very thoughtful.
I need coping skills to mange my feelings and still try and love my mom even though she has horrible behavior.
I’m not sure where her hatred comes from because he’s a good man who has devoted his life to his wife and us 8 kids and many grandchildren!!!
I have tried talking with my mom but it doesn’t seem to help.
I could use advise on how to accept this and not have it break my heart.
Thanks for any advice or wisdom
25 Answers
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You tell him that he's going for a respite break to allow your mother to rest. You can tell her what you like according to your judgement of how sharp as a tack she really is. And if she *really* is - which, I have to say though, is not compatible with Lewy Body Dementia - then you can tell her that the choice is respite care or an interview with APS to discuss examples of her treatment of him.
Abuse is abuse even if it is unintentional. Abuse is abuse even if it is not physical. You can't do nothing about this or you become complicit, and you are not going to be able to alter your mother's behaviour now that it has become the habit they are both so used to and accepting of.
If you haven’t had a discussion with a few of your siblings and one or more of your mother’s medical specialists, it might be helpful to your family to do that.
If you have access to adult day care or any sort of social activities for seniors with dementia, separate them. If you are able to separate living quarters and they seem able to have some level of comfort then separated, begin the search for a more permanent setting that will allow them to be separated on an ongoing basis.
Please be careful of your own thoughts concerning her “behavior”. She’s still the mom who loved you and your father. Being “of service” can mean looking for solutions that make everyone’s life a little less difficult. You can’t fix your mother’s behavior. Her brain disease is progressive and permanent.
You can manage both her behavior and your father’s exposure to it.
You are a loving family.
Have you voiced your concerns with your siblings? It might be time to separate your parents.
We were in a similar situation a few years ago with my in-laws. My FIL was a saint, and my MIL a she-demon. He was dying of cancer, and I was pushing HARD to move him to our house just so he wouldn’t be treated that way to the end. His cancer took a very sudden turn, and that was that.
My advice would be, don’t be the silent witness who lets a bully get away with it, regardless of the circumstances or her mental state. It’s not fair to your dad, and really that’s the bottom line.
If you were you in your dad’s shoes, what would you want to have happen? I guarantee there’s no making your mom see reason at this point. So, if you can’t reason with her, what CAN you do?
Best of luck.
As difficult as it is it might be time to find Memory Care for both.
Have you talked to your mom's doctor about her anger? It is possible that she needs medication for the anxiety and anger. With an actual diagnosis of LBD there are medications that she can not take but I am sure the doctor is aware of those.
In a Memory Care setting there would be staff that would be able to redirect your mom when she becomes upset. So that they could remain in the same place together.
I am sure no one wants them in different places but that might become necessary.
The tricky thing to get your head around is that it doesn't necessarily imply that either parent does not wish to be with the other, or that love (albeit skewed out of all proportion) is diminished. Your father's sadness could equally be from failing to please as much as not desiring the criticism. Your mother's anger is likely from unmet expectations that she has become accustomed - LBD does complicate things somewhat as self restraint and empathy will be unpredictable (selfish disregard for others is common), so ensuring safety for all is paramount.
Whatever you do to help smooth the waters will certainly add a layer of moderation; but as bizarre as it sounds, this is how your parents have navigated life together, and it is the product of a lifetime of love for each other through thick and thin.
Meanwhile, he'd stick up for the woman every single time I'd step in to stick up for HIM. She could do no wrong, in his book. Maybe that came from fear of repercussion from HER, should he (God forbid) agree that she was less than perfect, I don't know. But this was THEIR dynamic, as dysfunctional as it was.
Mom's terrible treatment of my father was one factor that led me to dislike her. I love her, but I do not like her AT ALL, not even a tiny little bit. And that's okay, it is what it is. I realized long ago I couldn't 'fix' the relationship between my parents or make it a nice, happy friendship that I could approve of. Then again, I realized, it wasn't my place to do so. So I stepped back and let them deal with their OWN relationship. A few times my DH & I were called in to break up the arguments they were having as my mother's dementia progressed and my father's tolerance level dissipated as his brain tumor advanced. He was dying and his wife was getting even MEANER than usual. Oh happy day.
So my point in this rambling story is this: You can't fix your parents' relationship so stop trying. Both of them have dementia and your mother is not 'sharp as a tack' with LBD, let's face it. The two of them will continue to deteriorate as their dementia worsens. The best thing you can do is to devise a Plan B and a Plan C for their care when it becomes too great to bear alone at home. That's where you and your siblings can come together and present a united front on their behalf.
Forget about 'talking to your mom' about her abusive behavior b/c she does not see her behavior as abusive. Once dementia sets in, they'll argue EVERYTHING anyway! If you say black, she'll say white, and if you agree it's white, she'll disagree and say it's grey. Let it all go (and I know how hard that is to do!). Just be sure they're in no danger at home and when things get bad, call in caregivers to come into the home or have some Memory Care ALFs scouted out ahead of time.
Take things one day at a time and don't expect your heart not to be broken. This stuff is all bad and all sad. Dementia is horrible and so is emotional abuse from one parent to another. But remember this: Your father has stayed married to this woman for all these years for a REASON. He accepts her treatment of him and is okay with it. Don't absorb his imagined grief as your own b/c it probably doesn't even exist!
Wishing you the best of luck!
I'd be tempted to separate them. As dad continues to decline, she can't take care of him and he could be better served in a facility that will at least be neutral to him instead of so negative.
I'd also be tempted to try to medicate mom a bit to take the edge off. She can't be very happy being so nasty to him but who knows??
I guess you don't have to like your mom. That's OK. Be sweet to your dad so you know that he at least gets some kind and loving treatment to counter her behavior.
My mom does not do any of the caretaking for our dad.
I think maybe a respite break might be good, to see how he does without her.
Thanks!
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