My mom is only 70, but has advanced dementia. She is wheelchair bound, incontinent, does not speak, does not feed/bathe herself. Nothing. You can be right next to her trying to talk to her and she is just vacantly staring off. If you want her to see you, you have to get in her line of vision, and even then, she may not see you.
The guilt part...I very much want her to now be with the Lord. She has no quality of life and is a shell. She has voiced many times before she got sick that she never wanted that kind of life or to be a burden on her children. But my #1 reason for wanting her released is for myself, and #2 for her. She lives in a nursing home, as I am unable to care for her, or else I would. But all her affairs that I have to handle cause me great anxiety on a daily basis, that I am missing out on my own life and it's all I think about. Does this make me bad/selfish to feel this way? To want this for myself before her? I've been beating myself up over this.
Please do not beat yourself up for wanting her freed from this living.
h€[[. It only makes you an obviously loving daughter to want her released.
For whatever reason, she is going through this and her family is being drug right along.
Unless you have dealt with someone that has the lights on but there is nobody home, it is hard to understand the desperation you feel for the situation. There is no engaging them in any way, shape or form. There is no communication possible whatsoever, nobody's home. (I am saying this for all the posters that have suggested engagement as a way to cope, sorry guys, no offense intended. It is just not possible, she is a shell.)
Crafty, do only what you can, delegate when possible and be thankful that she is not suffering.
You have been dealing with a heart breaking situation for a long time, to want it to be over is okay and understandable. Be kind and forgiving to yourself.
Hugs for all you do, you are a daughter that any mom would be proud of.
Read to her. Bring old family movies on DVD, pictures of her as a child. Follow her eyes, you might be surprised.
Pray for God's will for her!
Hope that helps.
Guilt is a very normal emotion. When my Mom died, my sister's overwhelming emotion was relief.
I am a retired Professional Counselor. I totally understood.
My father died in 1974 with Mesothelioma. It is one of the most horrible deaths. Daddy just died by inches. He went from 150 pounds to maybe 75. The cancer invaded his bones and brain and it was so sad. We didn't have Hospice then as it was just coming into the U.S. I did manage with help to keep him at home. Two years ago one of my good friends and co-workers died with this same terrible cancer he was only 57 (my kids age). I was over there two to three times a week helping him and his wife. It was like loosing Daddy all over again. I am 84 and have seen a lot of my friends and relatives die. One was a niece, she was only barely 53.
Personally, I used to pray for Daddy to go. Hospice tells us that it is OK to tell our loved ones that it is OK to let go, that everything is taken care of. My co-worker was worried about his wife, Hospice told her to tell him she was going to be ok and he could let go. I assured him that what he was concerned about was taken care of. It was too, by the way.
Has your mother left any instructions what how she wants her end of life to be handled? Like, feeding tube, a DNR, etc.
Please don't feel guilty, You have nothing to feel guilty about. None of us want our loved ones to suffer. You believe this life isn't all there is, that should comfort you. Just before my mother died, loved ones who had passed on came to talk to her. I didn't believe then, but I do now.
I have had the same thoughts that you are having.
Jerry
My Aunt died if ALZ, for last two years didn't recognize her son. But when he flew out and visited, she would recognize him as the tall good looking young man that was always so kind to her....then ask if anyone knew who he was. The staff confirmed that this was the case as long as she was verbal. Still then she would point and smile as or after he left.
The heart knows, before and after the heart can speak! God bless you. Take care of yourself, so you can keep those memories alive!
Saying your mother in such a terrible state of physical and mental decline is extremely difficult on your own well being. It takes a very unselfish person to be so honest with your feelings. You have come to terms with how you are truly feeling, which for a lot of people is very difficult. This does not make you a bad person in any way!
i take care of my 91 year old aunt in a NH and my mother-in-law 87 at home and my mom is 87 and dad is 93 they are in good health but still need .. I also volunteer as a patient advocate at another nursing home .. and I can honestly tell you it’s been Gods grace , mercy , love , peace , obedience and patience that’s keeps me going .. His strength renews me each day
turn to God and be thankful for this time with your mom , it may not be the best for her and frustrating for you .. but this is not up to us at all .. it’s all in God’s time let Him give you the peace you need to handle your feelings ❤️
I loved my husband and cared for him at home as long as possible. I fought for him to have the best care available, once he needed long term care. I thought about him in every spare waking moment. No question that he was my priority.
Having said that, all of the problems he “caused” with his crazy dementia behavior gave me extreme anxiety and eventually it was like PTSD for me. It didn’t take much to set me off, after dealing with one problem after another for years. He wished for his death, and I did too. Not only for him, but for me and our kids, too. I resented the fact that this was consuming my life at this age. Mostly I felt guilty for feeling that way. I felt guilty for not seeing him as often as I should have (he was in a facility that was over 100 miles round trip). I felt guilty for wondering what my life might like once I wasn’t consumed with the constant work, anxiety and stress associated with his care. Not to mention the financial burden!
Now that he’s passed, I’ve been able to grieve his loss. Not the crazy dementia person, but the person he was before. I will always feel a little guilty for not having those thoughts, but I can now see those were just thoughts. A hospice nun told me that I’m human, and most everyone they work feels like that. The fact that I made sure he had the best care he could and kept him home as long as possible is what mattered. God does not judge you for thoughts. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s what matters! Hugs
For me, these thoughts are unavoidable. It is simply rational to see loved ones completely removed from their former lives (in my case both mother and husband), and to wish for an end to it. For me but also for them!
But those thoughts to not bring peace or serenity. Nor does guilt.
Better for me to focus on enjoying life in the many ways that are still open to me: reading, walking, exercising, joining friends for coffee, snuggling a warm little dog, Netflix, etc..
Good luck!
I spent every day going and sitting with her for several hours, arranging sitters, arranging for whatever doctor's appointments were that week, then coming home and fighting with her insurance and various other agencies. It was soul-sucking. It left me drained and angry and totally unable to enjoy any aspect of my own life. I barely slept, frequently waking multiple times during the night and exchanging texts with her sitter. I myself got very sick with a respiratory infection that lasted over a month.
We are told to give our anxieties to the Lord. It is His will that can make a change, that doesn’t mean that we can’t go on bended knee and ask for strength to get through each day.
If you are able, set a time a side to talk with God, be still and allow him to fill you with his love.
I will also pray for you and your Mom.
I’m aware that this is probably the hardest time of your life and I’m sending YOU sincere love and healing
Aprill x
They're soooo bad and hilarious! Mom is feisty and always has something smart to say. I love it. Before, I used to get angry and frustrated at her. God took that away and I learned to enjoy it instead. So does the staff!
The activities director had taken them on an outing to the beach. I'd come into visit and mom was "out in the street partying at the beach." LOL!
Came back the next day and teased them all about being out in the street partying at the beach. They all started laughing so I just kept it up. I was wiping tears from my eyes laughing so hard. They loved it and so did I.
Another time I went in to visit and there was mom and her little gang. I Put my hands on my hips and asked them if they were "bein' havin'" (behaving) They all looked at Mr. Ray, pointed at him and started laughing (they are sooo bad I tell you!) Well, I started laughing too. We were all laughing.
For the record, my mom is in a wheelchair after falling and breaking her hip, needs total hygiene care. She cannot dress or toilet herself. She eats like a horse and able to feed herself. Yes, she talks off the wall. I just lovingly agree with whatever. Did I mention she always has something smart (snarky) to say?
Beat yourself up no more! Your feelings are normal. All caregivers walking this road have felt the same and beyond. Embrace the journey. You have no choice. Enjoy your mom and see/take things from a different angle.
Gone are the anger, frustration, impatience and guilt. I was beating myself up too.
Like you, secondarily I am concerned for them and they would not want to go on and on living this life and being so helpless and needy.. they used to be so free and adventurous.. now their life is so limited.
You must be pretty young yourself if your mom is only 70.. I do feel guilty about these thoughts ... but they are valid thoughts to have ....please try to not beat yourself up over this.. as I am sure many others in your situation would be thinking these thoughts as well.
I don't think it makes you bad or selfish.. you are entitled to your own life.. this bit about dealing with dementia and parents for years and years.. would lead most to have these thoughts (I would imagine).
((hugs))
If you do feel very anxious about it, I'd ask about some tips from a professional and/medication to help.
I think that it helped me when I accepted that I had no control of my LO's progression and fate. I pray for mercy and that she will not endure much longer. I know she would do the same for me. I haven't felt guilty about it though. It just seems normal and compassionate to want a loved one to be free from such a condition.
My father isn't as far gone, but he has become abusive and vicious --personality changes from vascular dementia (among other things). He is confused.