My older brother, 62 has some form of dementia. He is in firm denial of that. Says he has a head injury although there is none. He is alone. He has never been capable of a long term relationship because he is a borderline narcissist. It is ALWAYS about him. I have been taking care of bills, appointments, being his listening post (he calls me 2 to 10 times a day) and logistical stuff etc for the past 5 years. I have never taken a penny from him. I have done it because I felt I needed to as no one else would. My other brother lives in another country, has married a very young woman there and fathered children and is also a narcissist (I pray I am not one as it does seem to be a trait!). Job changes and Covid have made it so our finances need a boost. My husband and I will be doing a job that requires us to be out of the state about 80% of the time. I am having terrible guilt issues about leaving. It is bad enough that I won't be able to visit my children and grandchildren as often as I do now. I will not ask them to help. He is NOT their problem and frankly he is not nice and very, very difficult to spend time with. I never leave him without feeling exhausted and headachy. I have asked him about hiring someone to come in a couple of times per week, but he refuses. He is still capable of doing most things around the house, but I do not think he can handle appointments, he probably shouldn't be driving and I know he will get depressed. How do I force him to get the care he needs? I am afraid my anxiety from all of this will kill me or lead me down the same path. It is terrifying. When do my duties stop as a sister? How do I get out from under this? How is he my problem? If he had been a better person he most likely would have someone in his life to care for him now (who I would support whole heartedly!). How do you get beyond the guilt of leaving?
You are a person with limitations and you just bumped up against them.
The other G word you might try is grief. Grief for your brother and his life and where it has led. He is only 62. Without a diagnosis you cannot know if he truly has dementia. If so he will need to go into care as it is early onset. That is something you will never get him to do. A fight for guardianship will likely see you losing, and if you WIN, then what?
It is time now for him to take care of himself as he likely has another 3 decades of life left. He may have dementia; he may have mental illness. But he is unwilling to seek care. Are you willing to sacrifice yourself and your family for another 30 years? I certainly hope not.
If he isn't doing OK, and this is reported to you by family remaining in the area (you are correct not to involve them in his care) them report him as an adult in danger to your local APS. He may need the guardianship of the state.
I cared for my wonderful brother in his last years to the extent I did POA and Trustee of Trust for him, and supported him in all ways I could, but as I said, cooperative and wonderful to the inth degree his entire life.
I think you need to move on with your life. If your brother needs help then there is the entire state to help him with his ongoing problems.
You have enabled him to call on your to the extent he is monopolizing your time on the phone. This doesn't help HIM and it doesn't help YOU. It is time to gently explain to him the facts of life now. Turn your phone off after being certain your bro knows how to dial 911 in an emergency. Tell him you will check in with him in a.m. or p.m. but as far as HELP, that now is something he must negotiate on his own.
As Beatty here always says "There will be no solutions as long as YOU are the solution."
He was murdered a month later. Don't waste time with guilt. Take care of you ❤
You have your own family to have to worry about, it's really not fair that you have to adjust your life around his. He's going to have to figure out(for himself)what if any additional care he's going to need while you're out of the state. And honestly I think that will actually be a Godsend you being away, as it will force him to be open to other options for his care.
And as far as him calling all the time, please quit answering. Let his calls go to voicemail, and then you can decide whether or not to respond. He needs to find a life outside of you, as you have your own life to live. You've got nothing to feel guilty about, because you are doing nothing wrong. It's time your brother grows up and starts taking responsibility for his own life. Best wishes on your new job.
making it easy for him to exploit you. You are doing him no good at all by waiting on him hand and foot. Go about your business and forget about him. He will figure it out on his own, believe me. I have a bipolar narcissist brother in my family. When I finally dropped him on his head, he got treatment and became self sufficient, but unlike your brother, he never asked for help. When he got in enough trouble, someone would call me to get his ox out of the ditch. Now he’s on meds, he’s stable, but I will always wait for the next shoe to drop. You will too...and it will eventually. But in the meantime, live your life for yourself and stop making it worse by treating him like an invalid. What he has probably isn’t dementia. It’s probably just a ruse to get you to do all the work for him. Neglecting your own family to take care of a family member who won’t take care of himself is wrong. I’m sure your husband is pretty tired of the martyr role you are playing by now.
One of my struggles is that my "love language" is Acts of Service. This can easily translate into enabling and I have a difficult time distinguishing between the 2. You are probably similar. Nonetheless that is now water under the bridge for you as you move on with your lives. You can now lightly "assist" him in replacing what you've been doing for him with other options. He won't like it. Won't won't won't. Nonetheless, you tell him a firm date when you are completely extricated from providing any help. Don't drag it out, make it 30 days which is perfectly reasonable. He is very young for dementia but could have ALZ or something else or maybe he did have a brain injury -- it would be helpful if you provided the details of his symptoms. No matter...if he refuses to go to the doctor, there's nothing to be done. He will try to emotionally blackmail you, manipulate you into continuing on but you must not. Just smile politely and say, "I can't possibly do that" and don't engage in any further arguing or negotiating.
Also, if you are not his durable PoA or legal guardian you won't ever be able to "make" him do anything for his own good. So, there's that. For some problems, there are just no perfect, or even good, solutions. That's just life. There are safety nets for people like him called Social Services and Medicaid. All you can do is warn him of probably outcomes if he doesn't take actions to help himself now. If you do that you should be totally able to go to bed at night with a clear conscience. I don't think what you feel is guilt, but maybe deep concern, fear and sorrow, which is understandable for a sibling you care about. May you gain much wisdom and clarity and have peace in your heart as you make your own family your priority.
Clarification - mainly for those who are new or who haven't gotten to this point yet: POA does NOT give anyone the ability to "make" anyone do something they don't want to do, like move, per our EC atty. POA only gives you ability to "act" in their stead for financial and medical issues.
My mother was refusing to consider moving anywhere. Despite having done up POAs many years prior, the atty told me we could NOT force her to move and suggested guardianship. Certainly we would not have "forced" her, aka take her kicking and screaming. I also don't believe her dementia was far enough along to be granted guardianship (but was not an option anyway because facility chosen wouldn't accept a committal.) However, it was not being safe for her to remain in her place alone. There are ways to get some agreement (fibs worked with her!) Even staff in MC told me they weren't allowed to force anything on residents, but rather had to try, coax, whatever worked to get compliance.
But I'll just observe from the info already supplied.
"My older brother, 62 has some form of dementia".
He is in firm denial of that."
**What is his diagnosis?** Can be lack of insight, rather than denial if dementia. Google Anosognosia.
"Says he has a head injury although there is none."
**?? Is this how he understands his problems** Can he explain this? Maybe it IS a brain injury? (Stroke? Accident? Alcohol damage?)
"He is alone."
**There are professional services to help him**
"I have been taking care of bills.....logistical stuff etc for the past 5 years. I have never taken a penny from him. I have done it because I felt I needed to as no one else would".
**This was your choice made at the time.** That is OK!! But also OK to re make a new choice going forward.
I think good communication is what will help here. Clear communication with your brother & his medical team.
I would ask your brother if he wants your ongoing help. If so, tell him you need the FACTS. His actual DX.
If he wants you as POA /MPOA get that done (if not already).
If he cannot or will not, then you cannot preceed. Backup out of caregiving. Hand him over to his medical team instead.
Advice his Doctor in writing of his situation. That you wish to help him but have no legal ability to do so. That he is vulnerable, unable to self-care & needs a social worker & case manager to arrange his care going forward.
How does that sound? Are there barriers to talking to your brother first?
Does your brother actually forget to take care of himself or does he "expect" you to handle these tasks? If he actually forgets, he will need an evaluation by a doctor to diagnose dementia. If he is diagnosed with dementia, you can then contact APS to take over his care. If he has been leaning on you all these years, show him how to do all the tasks you have been doing. Then, STOP doing these tasks. He probably has some mental health issues but he will need to want to change in order for psychiatric help to make a difference.
You need to stop feeling guilty about leaving. You are taking care of yourself and your family - which are higher priorities than your self-centered brother.
This doesn’t mean that you have to continue to help him for your entire lifetime.
Clearly this is taking a toll on you but you do not need to feel guilty about anything.
Perhaps, you feel badly for his situation and that is certainly understandable but guilt should not enter the picture because you haven’t done anything to warrant feeling guilty about.
Be at peace. You deserve it. You have helped but there comes a time when it is equally important to let go.
Trust that he will find the help that he needs when you are no longer available.
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