Let me start by saying; It was my choice to move in. His mother & aunt had been going down south for the cold months. He lived at my home for the months they were gone. It was fantastic!
We were planning to get her set up out of state with caregivers and move into his home and rent mine. He was down south setting it up, I moved into his home and lived by myself for months. Then she had a fall, went to rehab and dementia set in very quickly. So now, she is here, along with her sister. It’s been one year and our relationship is declining rapidly.
I live in his home, with nothing of my own but my clothes. There is no space for anything of mine. He will not make a place for me because he doesn’t want to fight with his mom about getting rid of her things.
He is mad all the time. Between guilt, hate for having to take care of his mom and aunt, obligations, and feeling stuck, he is never present. TV, and video games are his escape. We have no privacy and our intimacy has almost disappeared.
I love him and was planning on spending the rest of my life with him. Now, not so sure. To be honest, I’m not willing to give up the years of vitality I have left to care for his family. I cook, clean, laundry, drive to appts and also am staring a new career. His family has longevity close to 100. I could be 65 before this ends. I’m currently 50.
Do I walk away? Am I making a mistake? I’m so tried, I have not slept well in a year. I look 10 years older, have mystery pains, I never had before. I’m sure due to stress. I’m exhausted!
He told me that he would understand if I left. Which upsets me, because I want to figure out a way to make this work. Multi family home, assisted living, something, anything, but he says he has no idea to how to do it. So he shuts it all out and does nothing.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you.
Let’s see how understanding he will be when his help is gone .... because that’s what you are right now. The longer you stay, the more crippled he will become as it relates to standing up and making those tough decisions.
Give him some good advice, let him know that you love him and get-ta-steppin!!! 🚶🏽♀️👋🏽
You should sit down and have a serious conversation with him. I think you owe it to the person you were willing to spend the rest of your life with to talk through all of the options before making the decision to walking away. I think many peoples first response is to take their family member in and that is not always the best choice. Does his mom really want her son to spend the rest of his life taking care of her and her sister? Especially when he has found a new relationship. Maybe his mom and aunt can share an assisted living apartment... Just talk it over with him.
Nothing is ever black or white, but I do think you should move out for your health, both mental and physical. Perhaps, your boyfriend can seek outside advice, a senior counselor or A place for Mom to help him decide what he can do.
Then, if you choose, you can assist occasionally. Sounds like he needs to hire outside help.
Best wishes.
So many times in life we say I wish I knew then what I know now, I would have done it differently. You know now. As painful as it may be, this man is not an equal partner. If I were one to give advice, I would say to move back into your own house if its available. I would give no explanation, just leave. I would think you would feel a great relief.( Unless you are going to keep worrying and feeling guilt about his situation, do not allow yourself to think that way.) He says he will understand if you leave, so go.You could say you need a break. Life is short, be selfish, you have done enough for someone who could solve all of his problems with a few phone calls. Go live and enjoy yourself.
And honestly I do wish you, your mom and husband blessings and understanding of each other forever 💚
He was willing to do it down south, why not up north?
Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, he sounds like a mommas boy and I think that you have dodged a bullet by finding out now that he can't deal with stress or stand up for you. Imagine how you would feel if you received a devastating diagnosis and he checked out with anger and video games? Move on and find a real man to live your life with.
What type of things do you have that you are doing without? Furniture, wall decor, clocks, knickknacks? Bring them. You lived there without him for a time—don’t ask. You live there too. Bring your favorites.
Tell Mom the truth: you love your things and miss them terribly. Don’t remove her favorite chair, but ask her, if possible during a lucid moment, which are HER favorite things. And keep those. Or ask your partner which are mom’s favorite things. You could box up her other items and store a few boxes in her closet. You live there, too!
Definitely get some in-home relief—twice or thrice a week or even daily. This is what your partner would need to do if you weren’t in the picture, unless he can stay home with the ladies? If so, sign him up!
Get off the doormat!
The silver lining: he is trying to take care of them personally, not just put them somewhere. In my opinion, that speaks volumes about his character and how he would help you -or someone in your family - if needed.
The video games as escape may indicate a bit of depression. I was depressed when taking care of aging family, so I understand. It is hard to watch the decline of a loved one, let alone two.
The choice is yours: be his superhero or bow out and gain your complete freedom. There is no wrong answer. If you are going to leave anyway, sooner is better than later (for both of you).
Is that where you want to be for a prolonged time?
I heard an interesting saying... "Indecision is your decision not to decide." While you are still able to think clearly now, you should have your own place to think things through. There may be agencies that can help these women. Your male friend will have to rise to the occasion, not drag you down. When you have your own place, you can help him perhaps by making some phone calls to see how these women can be helped in this situation.
The time to get out of a toxic situation is when you can't sleep well and foresee a decline in health for your future.
The city no one wants to visit is "Adverse"-City (adversity) -- but since you are there now, it sounds like you are on the right track out.
Wishing you future happiness. I have not had the time to read other's comments, but Aging Care has been such a therapeutic place for me to visit, that it's helped a great deal with my situation.
Blessings to you...
My husband and I take care of my nearly 90 year old, narcissistic mother who is also on dialysis. Don't know if you're familiar with narcissism, but it's along the lines of dementia as far as difficulty is concerned. Both are mental illnesses.
My husband should not have to deal with her, but he does. Why? Because he loves me and we both said "for better or worse". Our relationship will, God willing, last longer than my mother will.
Just my humble opinion and two cents worth.
Anyway, do you have a PCP? Have him order a social worker for YOU to come to the home. They can act as a mediator and help refer services for the elders to help both of you out. Sometimes it takes bringing a third party in.
Visit him if you want but do not stay in his mother's home. You would do better to be rested and then visit him with a positive attitude and lift his spirits.
Perhaps your leaving will make him have to move from his dependence on inaction and make plans. Because right now you are doing what he needs to be doing.
I read your posting again just now because it popped up in my news feed.
I would like you to carefully read your own words. They speak volumes!
This is why therapists suggest journaling.
Journaling is extremely useful for tracking our emotions.
You don’t have to necessarily write a book either. That’s not the purpose of journaling. It’s simply to express your thoughts.
It’s beneficial to review your past entries in your journal.
You will see if you are stuck. You will see if you are making progress and so on.
You will also see your emotions staring you in the face as plain as day, in black and white in your own personal journal, in your own words and from your heart.
Your words do not describe a woman who is secure in her relationship. You are questioning everything!
Have you considered seeing an outside, objective professional therapist to help sort out your feelings about this situation? I believe that it would do a world of good.
Those close to you are going to be concerned about hurting your feelings, etc.
Find someone that has experience in relationship issues and lay it all out on the table. If you don’t like a therapist for valid reasons, switch to a new one.
Therapy is a safe place to sort through your feelings.
Just make sure that you stay with it long enough to help.
If you only participate in therapy for a short period of time, you will shortchange yourself. You must be willing to invest enough time and energy in order to receive help. It’s hard work but well worth it.
Do not be offended by a therapist if their viewpoint is different from yours. Give yourself time to process the information.
Go, tell a professional everything that you told us and see what unfolds.
You just may find yourself receiving validation for all of your feelings that you expressed.
Don’t take that validation for granted. It means something.
Wishing you the very best in life. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your life.
If something is blocking any of your goals in life, close the door.
If you should leave him, take time to mourn any losses and dreams that you hoped for with this man.
Be open for new doors to open. Use this experience as a learning experience and remember that with everything experience, good and bad, we learn and grow.
If you could find a 4-5 bedroom home, or one with two separate living areas - you/partner would have a living area and they would, too. They would be able to have some/all of their belongings (depending on what they have). The rest can go to storage if they aren't willing to sell it.
If it's going to continue as is, in his house, this isn't going to work because you don't feel at home - he's drowning in what he feels as obligation - and the elders don't seem to be willing to budge to let you feel at home. You two aren't going to get happier together; you're going to make the divide even bigger. So that means it's time to move on down the road and go back to your own home.
You already know what you want/need. Don't feel guilty leaving, it sounds like he is not that invested anyway or just feels trapped and knows he has nothing to offer.
Go and have the vitality, but have more of it than you previously would have imagined.. loads more of it. Take this as a lesson life is short and mistakes are easily made. It is NOT going to get better. Run, run, run. oh and by the way...run.
Do it for those of us who can't.
You know, by leaving for even a weekend or 1-2 weeks, your partner may have a *A'Ha!* moment 💡💡
He may realize his life CAN be different to what it currently is or is turning into. It may really help ALL of you towards a new plan.