I made the decision to move in with my partner. Now it’s his aunt and mother with dementia, too. Mistake...Now what?

Many great answers here, but I can tell you what I see. It sounds like you know what you need to do. He has shown he doesn't want to deal with you, his mom, or.....anything, to be honest, and had the same issue in past relationships. It sounds like he tends to ostrich a bit...to let the world develop around him rather than forming a plan. He's too complacent to even consider your basic needs at this point, and has put the emotional labor on you to leave. Anything to avoid conflict. Yeah. It doesn't mean he's a bad person, and he's not a happy camper either right now. I'm positive he has a lot of good qualities as well, but this is a very big deal as a couple. In my experience, most people like this don't change much from their default as a rule, or it is short term unless you're constantly pushing them, which makes you both resentful, which is probably not what you signed up for. In my case with my partner, I realized I was mourning the loss of the dream I had at my (middle) age more than the actual man I was with. I felt too exhausted to start over. I was in a different situation than caregiving at the time, but remember how devastating it was to see my "future" crash. I left. (10 years later, I'm living with and caregiving for my mother and holding down a full time job, lol..but that's another story - and it was a pretty awesome 8 years in between events.) FYI, he and I were still able to retain a friendship for awhile after - platonic. My advice? I got out of that relationship 3 years too late. Rip off the band-aid now before you feel truly stuck. The short term road will be emotionally exhausting and not easy, but your future self and your future health will be eternally grateful. I know this is very one sided advice, and I don't know him, you, or your life experiences, so your mileage may vary, and I may get a lot of flak, but I wish you well in whatever you choose.

I Agreed talk to him one more time if he don't do anything then move back to your place I give him 3 months he won't be able to care for them by him self. Care giver job is not easy good luck.

You should move back into your own house and let him deal with his family. Once you are not there to do all the chores he will have to face reality. Right now he is dependent upon you.
you can still continue to see him if that is what you want but this will force him to figure things out.

I so agree with JPC2842. I couldn't have said it better. Exactly what I was thinking.

My husband has been gone for over a year. I was but no longer am caregiving. I basically am happy the way I am. I don't want to care for anyone else ever again so I would definately be very hesitant to be with any man.

I am older than you but I can see where this could go on for quite some time taking your younger years and chances of finding another relationship a lot less likely if that's what you want.

I realize it is hard and is moneywise sometimes impossible for your friend to make other arrangements even if he really wants to do so. But, at the same time, is that how you want to live the rest of your life if that is so. The longer you wait, the harder it will become for you. I agree with the other lady, if he is really interested in making a change and having a life with you, he will figure things out. If he doesn't then maybe he doesn't care for you as much as you need him too.

As you get older, you realize how precious life really is. Don't wake up wondering where all the years went and wondering what if this or that. Take care of yourself. Sometimes that's the right thing to do even though it is hard.

I know if that rush to find a placement for 2 hit me, I would be overwhelmed and junk TV would look like a good respite.
1. Why don't the 2 of you agree to have an evening talking between the two of you --of possible scenarios. Yes, you should probably do a bit of homework first so that you two can talk with some specificity. Agree to talk again in 1 week to DECIDE.
2.If they had been in helping facilities before, it appears there is $$ to pay for some home care (cleaning, laundry, appointments, meal prep) (I hope you aren't falling into the martyr camp. Also, what is the son/nephew doing to help?)
3. If the two of you are indeed caring for both, what are each of you doing to contribute to the family? He might need a kind explanation of the amount that has to be done. You have jumped in so easily, he may think it is easy.
4. What can the Aunt contribute? Money, laundry, meal prep, setting the table? Find something that will make her feel useful. She will truly appreciate it.
5. Don't threaten to leave. That makes you as much as an ostrich in the sand as he. You need to work together --as a couple, friends or more-- to find the best solution for all of you.
6. Why worrry about the intimacy --in the living or bedroom? They know what it's about. Why are you hiding your feeling for each other? Do any of you show any affection for each other?
7. You are the smart one at the moment...remember that.

Ok, curiosity killed the cat.

So, AC why did BigRed say I was compassionate and she was upvoting my answer and that of all things was deleted but all the attacks about non compassion and suicide are left up?

I understand you want me to be the resident bad guy but this is taking it too far, just like before. I have obeyed your rules, not went after WIC or ITRR as requested, no likes, no responses, nothing.

So why does one nice thing about me get deleted but this other instigating BS get left up?

Sorry I'm late to the game. PC decided to reboot and it's taken a bit to get back to this, but I was also giving it some thought.

"His ex wife and ex girlfriend told him that he was not present during their relationships either, so he knows. I guess, I was hoping things would change."

I'm glad I waited. These statements speak volumes. This IS who he is. You can hope all you want for change, but even if he were younger, I'd say don't count on it. This IS who he is and he isn't likely to change.

"I live in his home, with nothing of my own but my clothes."
"He will not make a place for me because he doesn’t want to fight with his mom about getting rid of her things."

You aren't LIVING in his home, you're basically living in a hotel, of sorts.

"He is mad all the time. Between guilt, hate for having to take care of his mom and aunt, obligations, and feeling stuck, he is never present."

Despite what one commenter has been saying, this is someone who DOESN'T want to provide the care, but is also too worried about how things would "look" if he moved them to a facility. Hmmm, he wasn't concerned about how it would look when he went south to "make arrangements", was he? What's changed? Oh, he has a FREE care-giver.

"TV, and video games are his escape. We have no privacy and our intimacy has almost disappeared."

I understand people sometimes need an "escape", but when he's "escaping" all the time, what relationship do you even have at this point?

If you'd had a good relationship, marriage or not, for years and agreed to help him care for these two, that might be different. Being thrust into this and then left to fend for yourself, without even really "living" in the home is asking a bit much from a "partner".

"I cook, clean, laundry, drive to appts..."

What does he contribute? Anything?

"... and also am staring a new career."

Yes, caregiver and nursemaid for three.

"I’m so tried, I have not slept well in a year. I look 10 years older, have mystery pains, I never had before. I’m sure due to stress. I’m exhausted!"

Your emotions may be holding sway over you, but your body is sending you messages. Maybe time to listen?

"...I want to figure out a way to make this work. Multi family home, assisted living, something, anything, but he says he has no idea to how to do it. So he shuts it all out and does nothing."

It'll take TWO to make it work. He was, so you thought, planning to set this all up "down south." Why is it any more difficult now? YOU have no real say in where they'll live or who will provide the care (at this point YOU are the care - why would he want to change anything?)

Rather than just say move out and move on, here's how I instructed my daughter, when she was nearly an adult and starting relationships:

1) Make two lists, things you like about this person and things you don't like.
  For clarification, this means things you like/don't like, NOT what's good or bad.
  Good and bad are judgements. Like/don't like are impressions.

2) Weigh the items on these lists, very carefully.

3) Decide if you can live with the things you don't like.
  This is because you CAN'T change another person.

If you can live with the things you don't like, it *might* work.
If you can't live with the thing you don't like, it'll never work and you'd most likely continue to be (or become more) miserable.

You wrote:
"I don’t feel stuck, but was really, really hoping he would put me first. My mistake completely for waiting. I hate having to start over. My mother says “you need to take care of your treasures,” he doesn’t see me as such. She said, I am the treasure and should not devalue who I am."

It's been a year of this. Consider it a year of education. Starting over might take time, but what's worse, spending that time still waiting for things to change or perhaps finding the right person?
Your mother is a wise woman.
Take time away from the situation (is your home available still?) Make those lists and do some REAL thinking.

Leave! Start a new life…unless you want to be changing adult diapers for the next 20 years. Hugs 🤗