My Grandad is 87 and has had a diagnosis of dementia for a number of years now. He has started to decline rapidly and has now reached the point where he has talked about different ways he could kill himself. He is very detailed in how he would do it and has a number of ways in mind. He has also, however, explained that it wouldn't be fair to whoever found him, or if he jumped in front of a train or bus the driver might get in trouble and they would have to live with killing him so it wouldn't be fair.
He gets very emotional and is fully aware that his brain is declining and that he will need more and more care which is the thing that makes me think his threats are much more than that and he is trying to prepare us.
He doesn't know who we are anymore but he does know he sees us often so we must be significant.
I don't know what to say to him, how to respond and I know that the last thing he would ever have wanted is to forget us or need care and not be able to perform basic functions like going to the toilet unaided.
Any advice would be very greatfully received.
Susan
i chose to talk with his primary physician first. He was able to get me the name of a dr. Who supports death with dignity .
i had to remind my father that the dr. Determined that he did not qualify; must be 6 months or less to live (medical reasons) when he would forget and start talking about it again. That dr. Charged $420.00, yet it was reimbursed some time later.My reasoning for letting him talk to the Specialist, was because I felt that he had the right to know. I prefaced this with a statement of, “I want you to know that I love you, am not ready to lose you, yet I feel that he he had the right to know, and the decision was not mine, but his to make. Respect for his rights was important to me.
you also build trust with respecting his rights as a person, and treating him that way. Hope this helps.
I had a hard time dealing with listening to his ideas on how he would kill himself. At first I was getting so upset I actually went into the bathroom and got sick. I was so upset with him and
didn't know how to deal with it.
One day dad was doing well. his dementia wasn't that bad. So
I decided to sit next to his bed and tell him how much I loved him. I explained how much it hurt me to hear he wanted to end his life. I explained to dad that when I was born you were there for me always, good and bad times. How he never let me down and how his shoulder was always there for me if I needed it. I told him I felt the same way as he did , I said I loved him endlessly and wanted to be there for the good and bad times. I said daddy, you saw me into this world with mommy now its my turn to
be there for you. please allow me to hold and love you to the very end.
my dad cried and told me he loved me and wanted me to be there for him.
Dad never spoke of hurting himself again. We cried and laughed till the very end. We were together holding each other when he took his last breath.
It has been one year since my dad passed. My mom passed three weeks later. I am heart broken but I have so many memories of my parents that will always be in my heart.
I miss them so much.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cnn.com/cnn/2018/05/10/health/david-goodall-australian-scientist-dies-intl/index.html
https://www.google.com/amp/s/news.sky.com/story/amp/my-final-hours-with-david-goodall-the-104-year-old-doctor-who-chose-to-die-11367408
I am not advocating suicide. I am saying it’s a real consideration for elders. Your grandfather might experience a certain amount of stress relief to be able to discuss this with someone. Medicare will pay for therapy. Maybe a visit with a licensed professional would help reduce his anxiety.
Sometimes just having a safe place to unload these thoughts can help.
A few sessions for yourself might help you learn to guide his conversation to help him release these thoughts.
Usually we recommend to distract a dementia sufferer from hallucinations or distraught ideations.
He does seem very aware for having had years of dementia.
The last two years of my mom’s life, she told a grandchild that she wished she had not had a pacemaker. She mistakenly thought it was keeping her alive.
I know it’s stressful to hear him being so tired of life.
Also you might try going to him for advice. Tell him your troubles and let him be of service to someone.
You might try interviewing him on camera. Asking him questions about his earliest memories. All of this not to stop his talk of suicide but to remind him of happier times. Make a cup of tea. Have a pen and paper. Take notes. Let him do 90% of the talking. Take your time. Hugs to you both.
If he is of sound mind, he needs to write down his wishes, legally in the form of a will and medical directive (end of life directive).
You could establish a doctor/patient relationship with a medical professional in a state where assisted suicide is legal, and take a road trip when the time is right. Study up on the law of medical assisted suicide in that state and know what his rights are, and make a plan with Grandpa's wishes prior to him no longer being able to communicate his wishes. I believe most states require a terminal diagnoses, meaning that he has been medically diagnosed with a disease or illness that is fatal within the next 6 months. Dementia is not a fatal disease.
My hubby is 15 years younger than your Grandpa, diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease 10+ years ago, has been living with rapidly declining dementia for 2+ years, and no way can hubby communicate nor cognitively reason as well as Grandpa. He doesn't even believe he has any cognitive decline. His Geriatric Psychiatrist says most person's living with dementia don't recognize they have it. I guess we could call this a blessing in disguise. Hubby says sometimes that he wishes he was dead because he feels like he is living in a horror movie, but has never imagined nor expressed ways to follow through with suicide.
However, when my mother was in a nursing home and suffered from dementia, she made a comment once about my grandfather (her father). It got me to thinking and I did some investigating of her papers. Fifty some years after the fact, I found out my beloved grandfather had hung himself in the garage of their home. Even though it was ancient history, I can tell you it was devastating. My mother was so far gone,I couldn’t ask her why he committed suicide and why it was hidden from me, even as an adult. It was scary. I remember telling my doctor and asking her if she thought this could be an inherited trait as I have children and grandchildren. For the rest of my life I will continue to be devastated by the knowledge of what my grandfather did to himself, and to me. It ultimately was a selfish act with little thought of consequences to those he left behind. I remember my grandmother stopped finding joy and happiness in everything she previously did. She stopped laughing. My mother was angry, haunted and nasty, especially to me, just entering my teens. I always assumed it was something I did. Now I understand, but it’s still very painful.
You can share what I’ve written here with your grandfather. Tell him to think of what sadness and upset he’d leave behind...for generations by committing this act.
My heart goes out to you, and to him. It sounds like he's a very thoughtful, empathetic soul, who doesn't want to hurt or even discomfort others. Our USA society doesn't seem to have great provisions for old disabled folks who don't want to live as a burden on someone else.
It's hard to know what to say to him. I wish my family members would be receptive to such a discussion with me, but I don't have dementia (I think); so your situation with him is different. I think you just listen, ask questions so you understand his feelings about it, and answer his questions directly and honestly.
Many people would--wrongly, I think--refuse to talk about this, although the dementia may be a big factor in how you want to approach it. Personally, I think it's cruel to tell someone his concerns don't matter, that everything will be fine, etc., when he clearly knows that everything won't be fine. Perhaps asking him to explain his reasoning will bring to light situations that could be changed or explained to provide him with reassurance that the future won't be as bleak as he fears.
He and you are blessed that you have inherited his empathy, love and understanding. You will do and say the right things out of your love for him.