When I came this morning to my parents, I noticed my mother was covered in urine. (Apparently she had messed with the diapers during the night..)
The hardest thing is to undress her. While striving to remove mum's sweatpants in the bathroom, I told her really quietly a couple of times to shut up because she was being so resistant and saying something I couldn't understand.
I know she barely heard my phrase "shut up" - and wouldn't remember it later, anyway - but I felt bad afterward, as in 99% of cases I am patient with her.
Should I feel guilty now? Thanks.
I think you are doing so much - and so amazingly. Just be kind to yourself. Sending blessings for peace ~
Gosh I remember the first times I beat myself up - I’m not sure how long it took for me to realize I was human (wether it was Mom or the day in general - that took me down or had me - not so quietly say shut up ) but once I accepted that she would have bad days and I would have bad days - I learned to forgive her and myself.
Be as kind to yourself as you are and would be to others - you would tell a friend not to feel guilty for not being perfect - forgive yourself as well 🦋
In a week I hope you laugh at the moment - the moments that I think “I will not survive this day” I often share with a friend later and cry laughing at the insanity of what a day in the life looks like - 🤦🏼♀️ Again it has taken me quite some time to laugh at the harder moments but it will come 😊
Hugs 🤗
When I think of the things I have either thought or muttered ubder my breath when trying to deal with my mom, I blush. Also all the times I drove home, crying and pounding the steering wheel of my car out of the sheer frustration of trying to deal with her at times...
No, no guilt. Just a human trying to make it through a difficult time. Maybe it's time for some outside help?
However, it says something else, too. It screams that you’re burnt out, and that you recognize you crossed a line that you’re not comfortable with. Is a mother who says shut up to a screaming baby ok because the baby won’t remember it?
It’s a wake-up call on your part that you need help. It’s not uncommon for people to be fine, pushing along, getting things done, day after day totally not realizing that they’re slowly being pushed to the brink of exhaustion.
Is this you? If so, don’t wait. Don’t brush it off. Get some PSW help or some family help to take a bit of the burden off you. Maybe PSW’s can come in every morning? An hour a day could make a huge difference to your own mental health.
Perhaps try to keep in mind that the parent-child relationship has switched, and you are now the parent. Try to exhibit the same patience with your mother that you would with a child. Kids are trying, too, but did we tell our kids to shut up?
Years ago my mother told me about how queen Victoria was mortified to have to be watched by her ministers as she gave birth to her children. (It was to prevent a different infant from being switched with the royal heirs.) Supposedly Victoria's mother reminded her daughter that her duty to her country superceded her modesty by telling her to "close your eyes and think of England."
When you're frustrated with your mother, think of your duty to her, close your eyes, and think of England. :-)
The only possible problem with what happened with your mother would be if she was trying to tell you that she didn't want you to handle her. I assume there's no option anyway, but if you think that could be an issue then you should pause, step back, acknowledge her (apparent) feelings, and say "we really just need to get this done. Is that okay?"
My husband is extremely deaf. I say things under my breath ALL THE TIME!! Mostly venting to myself, but I have told him to shut up, to go away, to give me 5 minutes of peace. It makes me feel better, he can't hear me, so no harm no foul. If he did hear me, he wouldn't remember what I said 2 minutes later.
So get rid of the guilt for acting like a human
Hugs to you.
There is quiet a bit written on this forum about guilt. I think it’s pretty hard to train yourself not to feel guilt but maybe possible to use it as a sign that you are on the edge of what you are able to bear without adjustments being made.
Your mothers condition will continue to decline. Knowing that, it might be time to make adjustments in her care. Those adjustments can be as simple as doing some mindfulness exercises with yourself before arriving to her home or as extensive as hiring help to take that chore over or placing her in a facility for more care than you are able to provide. You know your situation best.
You sound like a great son to your parents.