Ever since my mother's stupid eye doctor told her she was okay to drive last week, she has been RELENTLESS. She won't drive unless I give her my blessing (thankfully), but it is so bad. In our daily phone call today, she yelled and swore at me the whole time, wanted to know why I insisted on treating her like a baby, why I don't trust her, why I want to ruin her life, why am I so unkind to her, why does she need permission from her daughter to drive when none of her friends do, etc…. (I should mention that my brother let her drive while he was visiting her this weekend, so she doesn't understand why he is so kind while I am not.)
It was so, so difficult and so frustrating and upsetting, and I am afraid I made the huge error of trying to explain and actually using the word "dementia" at one point.
I know what a huge mistake that was. That will be the main thing she remembers. But I was so shaken — I still am literally shaking — and I vomited at one point. I am not cut out for this at all. Please help me.
Find neighbors, friends, other family and even church/synagogue members to call her up and say they are running errands on such-and-such day and does she need anything? Would she like to come? If you can get this to happen regularly (at least for the short term) then she at least knows she can have some freedom to look forward to.
I did this with my Aunts (both elderly, living together, one was the drive, the other the copilot). My Aunt the driver had advancing dementia so I had to report her to the state's DMV and her license didn't get renewed. This was very upsetting to 2 people. But I covertly arranged for rides and also gave the drivers a GC to my Aunt's favorite places to eat and asked the drivers to please also take them out to lunch. It took *most* of the sting out of their loss of spontaneous freedom.
My own Mother was another story. She was already fighting me on not driving so I got her primary doc to talk to her and also arrange for a Virtual Driving Assessment through the OT dept. She failed both the executive function test and physical reaction test and the OT broke the news to her and the Dept of Public Safety cancelled her license. She was still mad at me but couldn't deny her own test results. She got over it.
Then there was my uncle (Mom's brother) who, in his early 90s was driving home from his office (he was retired from his 60-truck plumbing business) along with his wife. His kids should have stopped his driving. One day he went through a red light and was t-boned on his wife's side. She (and the dog in her lap) died instantly (she was a 2-time cancer survivor) and the people in the other car had some injuries and car totalled. I'm sure his kids (my cousins) would say if they had to do it over they'd endure my uncle's anger rather than causing all that grief.
I hope this gives you the courage to continue keeping an unfit driver off the road.
Its best to come to terms with the facts w/o making yourself sick. None of this is your fault and it's not your job to keep mother happy and to enable her every desire. Safety is paramount now. Please do get her a diagnosis so you can all come to terms with moms compromised mental state.
Best of luck to you.
I really feel bad for telling her she has dementia in the heat of the moment. I mean, she knows she has "memory loss," but the word Dementia really upset her. She told me she would never forgive me for saying that.
Your mom is abusing you. That's right, this is abuse. You don't deserve that. No one does. She's making you sick, and what good can you be for her if you're gone? As in unalive? You're shaking, vomiting, and what's next? Your heart giving out? A stroke? Wow, mom would be really mad then, but you wouldn't be around to observe it.
Help yourself by not taking any more abuse. That includes no contact at all if she doesn't respect your wishes. You're not required to die on the hill of her choosing, and you need to put yourself first. You can do it, and I wish you the best as you recover from Monster Mom. I have an idea that if you lay down the law and mean it, she might improve her behavior immediately if not sooner. Try it!
An eye doctor can only verify that a person's vision is adequate for driving, and whether or not the driver needs corrective lenses while driving. It is not within their purview to make a determination as to anything else that goes along with driving, ie. cognitive ability.
If you actually heard this doctor tell mom she was "all right" to drive, a complaint to the AMA (or whatever organization oversees ophthalmologists) might be in order. BUT - if you weren't there, it could be that mom heard what she wanted to hear and is insisting now the doctor told her she was ok to drive.
Or perhaps mom asked after her exam "So, am I ok to drive?" and he answered her as far as the eye exam told him.
In any event, you did NOT screw up; you are doing what a responsible person does when confronted with a situation as this. You are NOT required to listen to her heap abuse on you; either screen your calls or hang up when she gets nasty. She is never going to understand why she can't drive, and there isn't much you will be able to do to convince her it is no longer safe, I'm sorry to say. Just keep telling her that you will NOT give her your blessing to drive anymore.
And disable the car.
I just read what you have accomplished. Many hugs! You did it!
LilacGirl
22 hours ago
Yes, that last scenario is exactly why I am so firm about it! I do have some good news. I reached out to her PCP today and he is sending her a letter to stop driving and also reporting her to the DMV! I’m dreading the day she gets the letter. I’m sure she will blame me and maybe disown me. But I know it had to be done.
(9)
GOOD FOR YOU!
Caregiver awards for you today.
What follows is that you become her servant and are required to take on this abuse that you have described. It is not your fault that you have been brought up this way. You did not "screw up" with attempting to "explain" things.
A psychologist doing a deep-dive into your relationship with your mother would offer you techniques to cope, or advise you to withdraw from her care altogether,
for your health, and mental health going forward. This in no way implies that you are mentally ill, or the problem.
There is nothing wrong with you that has not happened to many caregiving adult daughters who are kind, wanting to help their mother, etc. Try to notice how many times you are needing to explain to all those around you. Then, just stop. Stop explaining.
As for your mother driving, tell her to ask your brother, or someone else for "permission". Make a note of the fact that no one competent to drive needs anyone's permission to drive. It could be possible that she knows unconsciously that she should not be driving, so has set you up to take responsibility to stop her.
Then, she benefits by blaming you, being angry at you.
It is perfectly okay to take the position that she should never drive in her condition,
and you will never give her your blessing to drive, so stop asking you.
Do anything to stop her from driving, secretly, in the background. Do not engage her in this topic. You will never be successful. You will be the recipient of:
"No good deed goes unpunished".
The fact that this makes you sick (shaking and vomited) could be a sign of caregiver burn-out. I don't think anyone is cut-out to take abuse without sacrificing something in themselves. So, get help for yourself. You know the truth, you don't have to prove it's true to anyone.
Your Mother. for whatever reason or conditions she has, will be continuing to target you. Getting immediate help for yourself is more important than helping her continue in this lifestyle choice. This does not mean she is a bad person.
I was parentified per therapist at 15. 51 years of dealing with a mom that was never a responsible adult. Always causing chaos. I’m looking into getting her outside support services. She will probably turn everything down, but I can no longer live in the circle of chaos and never doing anything right. She’s living in a house with carpet saturated in years of dog urine, loaded with bacteria. 8 UTIs in the last year. Won’t let me help her get house clean. Refuses everything. I could go on & on 😞 !
We also have my husband’s 90 year old parents that are not managing and my husband spends hours dealing with their life everyday.
I am retiring & need to have knee replacement in May. I have decided to make my health the priority after a lifetime of always putting everyone before myself.
We are committed to never doing this to our kids!
She’s going to be mad and not understand why she can’t drive no matter what words you use .
You aren’t shaking because you used that word. You are shaking because Mom does not understand anymore because she has a broken brain and you can’t fix that.
I resorted to telling my mother to stop blaming me for taking freedoms away from her. I told her that age is doing that. I also told her “ Mom , I didn’t make you old and I can’t fix old “.
I also agree with ending the phone calls .
” Gotta go Mom , I have an appointment “. Keep visits short too