My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
If you think mom shouldn't be left alone, tell the hospital social worker that mom needs emergency care. They can arrange that.
Or perhaps mom CAN be left alone if someone sends food and a neighbor checks in once a day.
After this is over, you call the local Area Agency on Aging and get a Needs Assessment.
When/if you want to know about that, let us know.
YOU are allowed to say "No, I can't possibly do that".
You love your parents. THAT doesn't mean that you have to say yes to everything they ask.
Your parents (not you) have made some really poor choices in life and they have balanced their well-being on your and your husband's backs. That needs to stop, now.
They presumably have Social Security and are eligible for Medicaid. They and you need to investigate how to navigate the social services system in Florida because that's where they live. If they want to move (on THEIR dime) to your area, they will need to investigate what services are available THERE.
You are their consultant and manager, NOT their caregiver. You are a senior yourself and a cancer patient. Your parents need whatever professional care THEY can afford.
Start tomorrow by calling the local Area Agency on Aging in their county in Florida to find out how to get them help. Just remember that one of the choices is not YOU.
Giving all their money to your abusive brother was a plan?
It sounds to me like like your parents have basically brainwashed you.
From what you've written, they sound thoughtless, selfish, manipulative and deeply abusive to you.
I'm just going by your description of their behavior.
I know that it seems like everything is up in the air right now but one thing is for certain. You aren’t the one to do the heavy lifting.
Your health is equally important to your parents. Even if you didn’t have health issues, your life is just as important as theirs.
It may appear as if there is no end in sight, which is extremely unnerving.
There is an end in sight. It does require that your parents accept that they must enter a facility. They don’t have money for private caregivers and you can’t accept that responsibility any longer.
Your husband is confused right now. He is loving and compassionate like you are. Please explain to him that a nursing home is the ONLY solution for this situation.
Maybe you see your parents as young at heart. In reality, your parents are old and will only require more care as time goes by. They are never going to be able to be independent again. You know this.
Max, this IS IT! This is when Mom and Dad have to finally see that they can't continue like this. I am going to be blunt. What would they have done if you had died. Your husband cannot be expected to take on that burden, its not his parents. You have had a serious scare. YOUR health is on the line. Why should ur husband loose you because of the selfishness of your parents. Its time that you parents are told they need to go into AL. Sell the house to pay for it. But you no longer can be at their beck and call. They need care that you no longer can give. If they loved you they would let you have a life. And do not pay their way. When the money runs out they can go into LTC together.
". I felt my chest exploding. I can't breathe!" Do you realize that chemo can effect the heart. What you are feeling is anxiety and not good. You also are worrying about something that may not happen. No need to worry because your answer should be NO and your husband should be there to back you up. NO Dad you cannot recuperate here. NO Dad you can't move in with us because...we will not be here all year long. NO Dad, caring for you and Mom stresses me out. Getting too old to deal with you and your problems, you have to figure it out on your own. (Senior caring for a Senior) If you finally go into AL we can help you with the move but you have to do the work.
If you get any calls from SWs, you tell them you cannot care for your parents the way they want. You don't live in the same State. You are a cancer survivor and the stress causes you anxiety, which u don't need. You have tried but they want it their way. No living with you is not an option. What they need is someone who can find them the resources they need because you can no longer be that resource. Again the answer is NO! You have finally throw you hands in the air and say "I am done!"
I am actually getting anxiety writing this. I am so happy my parents were not like this. There comes a time you have to stop banging your head against the wall. Its called tough love even with 90 yr old people. If you ever feel Mom and Dad need help, you call APS and allow them to take over. They have brought this on themselves by being to stubborn to see what they need to do. Burnt says: "Nothing will get an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn".
can imagine the screaming that's going to happen.
Focus on getting home.
Then on some sensible research & action.
Have you heard of the 6 thinking hats? I love them! Time to try on some new hats!! Less red hat. More white hat.
Simplify.
Drive the car home. To YOUR home (not theirs).
Telephones are wonderful things. Use them.
If parents ring with an emergency, tell them to hang up & call 911.
If/when they land in hospital, you will have time to arrange a call to their medical team. About their condition, about discharge plans, about their potential need of a Social Worker.
Drive home. Unpack. Put your feet into you OWN life again.
It’s great hearing you speak about going to Europe!
When you get there, let us know and I’ll open a bottle of wine to share a toast with you!
Learn to manage from afar. You can do it. Everyone has emergencies. However, what is determined as an emergency is different amongst us. By learning to manage from afar, you will be able to save your strength and energy for the true emergencies.
Congrats to you and your husband to finally just walking out. Please take care of yourself.
P.S. Renting is a great way to help with the money outflow. It is even better if you can get a positive monthly cashflow without including the depreciation.
Max, YOU are so right! I am SO glad you see it clearly now.
Your parents' caretaking plan all along is you. You be the nurse, the maid, the cook, the azz wiper, the shopper, the driver, etc., live-in, 24/7/365.
Instead of "if we were killed on this highway...what plan do they have?", replace it with:
Mom, dad, I need to take care of my health problems. I can't be your caregiver, what's your plan? (Repeat again and again as necessary.)
So what?
(That is a quote from NeedsHelpWithMom's therapist)
Your parents need help. They need far more help than YOU can provide. But they need you a heck of a lot more than you need them.
Next time your mother abuses you verbally, screams or otherwise shows you disrespect, ask her what her plan is if you were to turn and walk away forever. "Because, mom, if you treat me like that, I'm walking away".
Do not say that unless you mean it. My DH used this on his mom (she had another child who accepted the abuse as his lot in life). My DH walked away and has never had a moment of regret.
Your last line is so helpful. Everyone who has ever struggled with their decision to walk away could learn a lesson from your DH.
“My DH walked away and never had a moment of regret.”
People need to know that it is okay on the other side of caregiving. They don’t have to be consumed with guilt. I think for those raised in FOG, we believed that the guilt will eat us alive if we walk away.
In reality, it is a huge relief to walk away and there is nothing to regret.
The time we spent in caregiving we can never get back. The things that we missed out on are gone. Those are my regrets.
Life is short and sometimes it is a huge balancing act. When it is out of balance, we suffer horribly.
I am so glad that you’re home! How is Romeo doing? Now your fur baby has you all to himself! I bet he is loving it!
Most importantly, you and hubby are free to enjoy being alone together or spend time with friends.
It doesn’t matter what or how your mom expresses her opinion. She can be as passive aggressive as she wants to be. You know that you don’t need her approval to be in your own home.
Here’s to you enjoying your peace and quiet, Cheers! 🍾🥂.
Your mum blows hot and cold depending on whether she is getting her way - always has, always will. She will be charming sometimes and will scream at you other times. It is what it is.
I think you are still looking for her approval and her unconditional love. Everyone needs that but many of us do not get it from our parents. For whatever reason, your mum is not capable of that - nor your dad. Time to accept them as they are - very frail seniors who are getting more and more in need of help. Time also to accept, which I think you are, that you and your hub are not able to give them the care they need. Things started to be much more manageable for me once more professional people were involved in mother's care.
They may be suited to an assisted living facility or they may need more care. They may be able to manage where they are for a while with home aides several times a week. They need to be evaluated as to the level of care they need. Their local agency for aging will have information about local resources, Medicaid is available for people with limited financial resources such as your parents.
Barb's suggestion about contacting the social worker if either of them are in hospital is great. An SW can steer your parents in the right direction for their proper care. Both your parents are still mentally competent though I think your mother is slipping, so they can participate in making plans for their own care. If you want to oversee their care when they are not competent you need to have financial POA and be assigned as their medical proxy. These documents should be out in place asap. Perhaps you already have them and I have missed it in previous posts.
Put your own health and needs as a priority. Do what you have to do to keep stress levels down.
Keep your eye on your goals of retirement for you and hub in Spain, and a suitable facility for your parents in the US. We are always here to support you.
I really thought you would turn around to tend to your mother.
Well done!
When BIL's parents started having fender benders, he went them and said "Mom, dad it's not safe for you to be driving any more. He took their keys.
When it was clear they shouldn't be living alone, she sat down with them and said "this isn't working. You need to move to AL". They picked one out and he helped them move.
Her DH'S family, by contrast, hints, makes vague statements about "not getting any younger", engages in long backs and forth about whether they should wait to go to a nice AL. The MIL has dx'ed dementia and her husband/caregiver is worn out. If he is hospitalized, they have a huge emergency on their hands.
BUT they are SO afraid of hurting mom and dad's feelings!
Max, be direct with your parents. I am a big believer in the idea that God/tge universe sometimes gives us a "trial run". This phone call from dad about his hernia? That was your wakeup call.
If mom can't be left alone without supervision if dad goes into the hospital overnight, then it's time to move them.
You need to have a direct, honest and short conversation about this with NO attention paid to your mom's histrionics.
DH and I are all in favor of finding a Skilled Nursing Facility for him now- but they would need to move out of his home in order to prompt him leaving - as long as they are there he will not leave.
But if they don't proactively choose to leave, and something happens to them - there would be a mad scramble - because DH and I already know that we won't be moving in with him to provide care.
As it stands right now he is coming home from rehab tomorrow and we have a lot of concerns about the differences between what he and the staff are telling us he is capable of doing and what the staff and the doctor are telling us in the discharge paperwork. If the staff's verbal information is correct -he will be fine to come home. If the discharge paperwork is accurate - we may have some issues with him when we get home.
And if we have issues - we will be scrambling to find care if he isn't capable of helping himself in certain areas (specifically transfers and toileting) because neither BIL nor SIL can assist and we are an hour away. Not to mention he is 300lbs so realistically no one can really help.
DH and I talked about it today and outside of calling for an occasional lift assist if he only struggles periodically - if it is consistent and he is not able to do what they claim....we will have to hire 24/7 caregiverS (as in two at a time) to assist until we can find somewhere to move him - because if he can't transfer or toilet himself that is the line we drew a long time ago on what constituted able to stay in his home vs having to move him.
Because it isn't possible to find immediate placement and if he can't transfer he will literally need placement immediately. So the only option will be in home caregivers.
People often don't realize that they can go from having the situation completely under control to an emergent situation literally in the snap of their fingers and at least have to have a couple of emergency options to cover the gaps. Even our emergency options are for different scenarios these days.
When I first took employment doing homecare for the elderly, I was sent out assignment with a senior caregiver to be trained. I was her last trainee because she was getting out of the hands-on business because she couldn't stand it anymore. She did it for 25 years. That seems to be the magic number.
Anyway, she taught me how to handle every situation that a fussy senior brat or a nasty, demented elder can throw at a person.
Don't tolerate any behavior from a senior that you would not tolerate from a child or anyone else. They do not get special treatment because they are old.
Would you tolerate verbal abuse, constant negativity, sabotaging, and gaslighting from say your spouse, a friend, or on a job?
Then don't tolerate it from the person receiving your care.
Would you tolerate temper tantrums, hitting, kicking, biting, and destruction from a child in your care?
Then don't tolerate it from the elder receiving your care.
This was a very valuable lesson my trainer/mentor taught me. It is why I have been able to do this work for as long as I did.
I also do not play games either. I live by the philosophy that England's Royal Family has lived by for centuries.
Don't complain and don't explain.
You should try it. No complaining about how poorly your mother treats you and no doubt she is nasty to you.
No explaining why you say no to something either. You do not give her your entire health history and plead your case for why you can't take her out to dinner.
You tell her plainly, 'I don't feel well. We aren't going out to dinner' then let that be the end of it.
You tell her plainly, 'I am leaving on this date. I'll set up homecare for you'. Then that is the end of it and you do it.
With all respect to you and your husband, don't you think there's something wrong and dysfunctional about your marriage if both of you have made your parents the center of your world? This is something both of you should explore in therapy.
Don't be a martyr, Max. It will ruin your life and the lives of the people who love you.
Why does she get mean - because she is not so loving and giving and no matter how well you treat her she never will be. You can't make her into the mother you want by doing things for her and being nice to her. It doesn't work. You can't change her. You need to change you into caring for you more.
Is your husband only loving to you when you are doing exactly what he says to do? Or do you have adult relationship where all the adults are allowed to have opinions, desires and needs?
You mother doesn't respect you as an adult. She uses and manipulates you through Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
Barb, you said that your husband walked away from his mom, no regrets, right? I am assuming no guilt too.
Why do most men, (there are always exceptions) deal with this situation far better than women? Is it for practical reasons, work? Or temperament?
There are some women (like Lea, you and others) who NEVER considered taking on the ‘hands on’ responsibilities of caregiving but overall many of us feel that it was our responsibility. It’s so sad.
My mother was an excellent caregiver, but had no support. She felt guilty, stressed and angry all the time. She thought this was supposed to an "honor". People told her how lucky she was.
I didn't have a mother who was emotionally available to me as a teenager.
I wasn't ever going to do that to my kids.
I stayed at home when my kids were young, but went back to work/grad school when they started school.
I got divorced and bought my own property with my own mortgage. There was no possible way I could have stopped working to take care of my mom in her home or ours.
My grandmother had a different temperament than my mom. Grandma was not rude but she was direct, extremely independent, fair minded and had a wonderful sense of humor! I absolutely adored her. She saw me get married but didn’t live long enough to see my children.
Mom didn’t always express her feelings. She suppressed them, then out of the blue, beware. Know what I mean? I am not sure how to explain. She wouldn’t always indicate that there was a problem.
Personally, I would rather someone tell me off, clear the air, then talk about it, rather than keep me in the dark about things.
Oh well…life is complicated at times and family dynamics can stink sometimes.
Dad is 95 and he is still having to care for your mother.
Dad is having surgery but mom needs to be taken care of not dad.
Everything is about mom. You were sick but mom wanted to go out to dinner so you went.
Just because you did X,Y,Z in the past does not mean you have to continue doing X,Y,Z. You always have a choice.
Your dad probably got injured helping your mother when you left. Dad can only do so much and your mother is like an insatiable parasite that only cares about her survival and no one elses well being.
Dad can have his hernia surgery where he lives. They will need to hire someone to help mom if she is not capable of helping herself.
I dont understand about the money. Dont they get social security? What are they spending their monthly income on exactly? It is your right to know since you are subsidizing their living expenses.
Since you didnt have the talk with mom and dad while husband was there in person it will have to be done in the phone. A bit impersonal but better than the alternative of you going back to Florida.
Take care of yourself stress can feed cancer and cause heart attacks. You and your husband deserve a life together before one of you is too sick or dead to enjoy each other without the obligation of mom hanging over you.
Sounds so much like my husband’s grandmother. She was one of the self centered people that I have ever known. My poor mother in law having to grow up with her!
My husband’s grandfather was a sweetheart. His grandmother was an amazing artist. Once she painted a portrait of her husband. She showed it to him. He was shocked!
He looked at her and said, “Please look into my eyes. What color are they?” She said, “Oh, I see that they are blue.” She painted his eyes brown! LOL 😆 They were married over fifty years and she didn’t even know his eye color!
She only paid attention to herself. He would catch the street car everyday to work at his office until his late 70’s because he said that she would have driven him crazy if he retired.
My FIL is a narcissist. He is an OVERT narcissist. The kind everyone thinks about when they think narcissist. Grandiose, can't handle criticism, huge attention seeker, completely self-involved, his needs must be met above everyone else's, does not really live in our reality - he creates his own and fabricates narratives to match his reality, craves admiration. You name a narcissistic trait - he's got it. He spent my DH and his sister's entire childhood being abusive and pitting them against each other - where each of them thought the other was the Golden Child (favored child) and they were the Scapegoat. He did this with intention. My MIL spent years crafting how she dealt with him simply as a survival instinct. And now as caregivers we are having to learn our way around dealing with an aging narcissist.
But there is another kind - and they are harder to recognize. The COVERT narcissist. They don't seem like they are narcissistic at first glance. They seem the reverse. They are often passive aggressive and self-deprecating. As mothers - they tend to play the victim and shift blame to their children and set incredibly high expectations for their children.
And the most at risk in the path of a COVERT narc mother is the GOOD DAUGHTER. You want to be good, you want to make her happy. You will always feel guilty and you aren't even sure why you feel guilty! And they have a way of making you feel bad about yourself. Her needs are the most important, but when you have needs, you are overreacting or too sensitive. She is the eternal victim. And the most key thing I've read about is the fact that she may parentify her daughter in the quest to get her needs met - literally appropriate her daughter from her own life in order to make sure she gets what she needs. And that culture of guilt thing I mentioned - NO ONE is better at that than the covert narc mother. She needs YOU to feel bad if you don't do what she wants, even if YOU are right.
Covert narcs - like Overt narcs, will play siblings against each other.
And the hardest part is that as children - it becomes so normalized that you don't even realize it is happening and by the time you are an adult and can recognize that there is something inherently wrong with the relationship dynamic, the damage is already done. You have to work very hard to change your own mindset to break the cycle.
Cast of characters often include a passive father who enables her behavior and a golden child brother (or sister). And virtually no one will recognize that her behavior is anything other than a loving mother who invested so much into her child and now is reaping the benefits of a loving daughter. This is NOT new behavior. You have been dealing with this your entire life.
So...if you haven't entirely skipped my post because you think I'm crazy - consider the possibility. As I said, I certainly can't make any assumptions about your mother. I don't know her. I just know that so much of what you are describing sounds just like my FIL and the issues we constantly deal with on a daily basis. You don't come to the realization overnight. It comes in stages and once you recognize it, you don't even know what to do about it.
But its something to consider. If it is even potentially possible it might give you some tools to help you deal with her going forward. Because if it is on the table, it changes your entire approach. Because you have to shore up your spine and really dig in and take all of the advice here and put on your armor!
Hugs!
Best article EVER: 25 Signs of a Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist. I was gob smacked when I recognized so many of these 25 examples in my own mother. Mind bending.
How is HIS planning ability to deal with it?
To seek advice, to arrange whatever may be needed eg extra services to help him at home after surgery, or if he thinks that won't be suitable, a his & hers rehab/respite arrangement.
It's the same again. It will keep happening. Again & again & again.
You must take over & lead. Follow their orders & do whatever they want. Or stay away & out.
Whatever option you choose is fine. No judgement! But ensure you communicate it.
It's not kind or honest to your parents to let them assume you will do this or that, fly back, put them up etc be their whole plan if you won't be.
Decide your action.
Then tell them.