I want to gather information for my parents' obituaries while they are still with me. Has anyone else done this?

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I want to gather information for my parents' obituaries while they are still with me. Has anyone else done this?

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My parish priest interfews the surviving widow or family and gives a short obit at Mass of the deceased. It usually is very warm and he obtains all the positive info to talk about that person. Unless there is a family member who wants to give the obit, he will take over for the family.

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I believe it makes a difference as to whether a person has lived in one area most or all of life, or has lived in many areas such that none is really "home". The former has a reason to include details; the latter just needs some basic dates and a few superficial details. Although my mother has been in a nursing home in OH for 5 years (and has spent a few years in NY and many in NJ), her real roots are in central PA where she will be buried and people, including relatives, know her. I'm of the second category, so I don't really care what or how much is written about me, or even where it appears.

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I turned it into somewhat of a fun project for my mother, as she is still fairly young (in her mid 60s but disabled with oh so many health issues). I call it the "Legacy Project". I purchased a large clear jar from a craft store. I got some colored paper squares (fairly small but large enough to write on) and wrote a question on each piece of paper and folded each one up and placed it in the jar. Some of the questions are thought provoking, others are more fun. She can write down, journal style, her answers on the computer. It gives her something to do. I told her it was so she could leave something of herself behind for her grandchildren so they could know about her hopes and dreams and who she was as a person. In some cases, the paper asks her what advice she has for her grandchildren on certain topics. Others ask for her memories on certain historical events like when JFK was shot, the moon landing, 9/11, etc. If your parent is not into writing, maybe do it interview style and you can record the conversation. Maybe do a question every week or every day, as often as you like. There are websites with questions to ask to start writing someone's life story or your own. I think those would be a good starting point. I hope that helps. It might help give some interesting stories for their eulogies.

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This answer is not completely on point, but I am constantly surprised about how little some families talk. From the time I was a young girl I knew the basics about my parents and grandparents lives: what there childhoods were like, their educational experiences, where they worked, their experiences during WWII, how they met, everywhere they had lived. When I was an adult, we discussed more painful and sensitive experiences of lives. I know many people who never knew these details at all. Any one of my brothers and sisters could have written a decent obit for either of my parents (with some shakiness on actual dates). If you find you don't know these facts about your parents, be sure that you talk about your experiences to your children and grandchildren. In every day conversation, tell them about the history you lived through, and your place in that history. Did you go to war? Did you dodge a war? Where were you when JFK was assassinated? On 9/11? Did you lose your job during the recession? Who did you vote for, why, and did you regret it? Even the quietest life is interesting. Why did you leave you home town, or why didn't you. Did you ever have other spouses? Did you ever have your life turned upside down by death, illness, desertion, divorce, imprisonment? How did you deal with that. It will help your children and grandchildren to know that your life was not perfect and that you had to struggle with problems. This is just my point of view.

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My husband just decided to write his own. I read it and it reads more like a eulogy than an obituary. Not something I would publish. We are donating our bodies to science, and in the "obit" he states this, then says, "ashes will be distributed to various family members." I cannot see myself dividing up ashes to be "distributed to various family members" after he is gone! Would I be wrong not to publish what he wants and not to distribute ashes, because I just can not. I don't think he realizes that isn't an obituary, and they are very expensive to publish.

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My parents and I were very open about most everything happening with them. My dad had Alzheimer's, my mother had vascular dementia. When they were still themselves, but in Assisted Living, I wrote obituaries for them, and we sat down and calmly went over them. Also exactly what they wanted for their funerals.
Boy, I would have missed a lot if I hadn't done that. Some things my dad wanted in his obit, that I wouldn't have thought of. My mom wanted a completely different sort of service than my dad did. It was emotional at times, but I was able to discuss and redirect.

We were able to get all of this setup and done when we had to spend down their monies.
It was so nice to be able to do what they wanted, to say what they wanted to say, and not have to worry about it at that most emotional time.

I'm trying to get my husband to write our obituaries, so our kids don't need to worry about that.
Death is a part of life. We all know that. We shouldn't be so afraid to take care of it.

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My Mom had me write hers years ago, she is still living, thank the Lord.
It was a sad experience for me to write it. A lot of people I know who are living have written their own

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My step father was ill with cancer in 2014 he wrote his own obit and my mother's so all was already taken care of. He passed Dec 2014 mom is still living and I'm her caregiver. Step father has everything in place already for mom so we don't have to worry.

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My advice is to ask questions of them, their siblings, your siblings, others in your family.

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Heres another idea: We actually are supposed to be playing "brain games" which are all sorts of questions under different categories. Math, history, etc. One of the categories was actually "Life in my past" and I found that was a great way to pull out info.

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I have written obituaries even for cousins, so it can absolutely be done. Gather as many facts as you can.

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I wrote a eulogy for my mother’s funeral, and sent copies to those of my mother’s old friends who were still alive but couldn’t be there. I got their addresses from her ‘Christmas Card’ list. You write it to honour the deceased, to record information for younger members of the family, and to bring old friends into the final picture. It needs to be about 1500 words, to take about the right time to be read out at the service.

Very recently our daughters asked me to write the first half of the eulogy for my ex-husband’s funeral, covering the time we had together. My suggestions to my daughters for the last half were ‘make him the principal character, follow his work history, anchor in it any friendships that have survived, skate over difficult bits, and put in a couple of anecdotal comments about the period that people can relate to’.

I fully agree with talking a life history through with your parents, for its own sake as well as to give yourself this information for a eulogy. I find that our children are quite vague about most of our own younger days, even vaguer about most of their grandparents’ lives, and almost totally blank further back than that. School children are quite often given a project to ‘write an oral history’, and grandchildren (even neighbourhood children) can be a way to start the conversation going. It can also be a good topic for your own conversations, when it seems that there is nothing left to talk about besides daily trivia. Give it a go!

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I suppose the obit in the paper is expensive, but you can cut it out, have it encased in plastic and use as bookmarks. I did this with my late husband's obit and gave to his sister and two sons. Someday they may be glad they know those things.

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Another thing about Newspaper Obituaries, is you can write out just the pertinent funeral arrangements and directions to the funeral home, and also refer them to the Free online Funeral Homes Remembrance page, as most of them have them now, and you can write out your full Obituary there.

Visitors can sign the "book", light a candle, order flower arrangements and they can even write their own remembrances of the deceased, and give their respects to the family too.

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My uncle wrote what he wanted in the paper after the family asked him to do so - however he noted 5 grandchildren but by the time he died there were 6 named - just keep on track & re-read anything they write - my uncle had been at many universities so that's why his family wanted him to document the years - he mentioned my mom [his sister-in-law] by her unusual full name [Adeltrude] & she wanted to know who had done it so everyone pointed to the casket .... end of discussion!!! - his last joke!

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I did, my Mom and I always talked about her life before us, and her favorite things. For her birthday or mother's day -- I wrote a small biography for her and had it make into a small book. She loved it. One thing that you may consider, because of so much identity theft, I didn't give her complete history, IE her parents' last name. And yes news paper obituaries are VERY expensive, but the funeral home had a digital obituary on their website. I gave the links to friends and family. Don't be surprised if the tears start flowing as you're writing.

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I haven't read any of the messages but my son did a video with just casually talking with my parents which really came in handy. He asked questions as he always do so they weren't really bothered by the video.

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You can always approach them with the idea of having your own arrangements in order. Tell your parent you are working on it and you need there help. During the process you can gather the info you need.
Your funeral home can provide help in what info is usually needed.
I’m doing this you get yours and theirs done.
Keep in mind that it requires an update from time to time due to deaths and births.

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Well certainly do NOT tell anyone you are writing their obituary. (You could tell me, since I want to know what you are saying about me!) Any task that involves dealing with a loved one's death is easier to do when they are alive. You are not in great shape right after a death. You should ask the person questions about their life. It would be nice to do this even if you were not thinking about the obituary. People usually enjoy these conversations especially older persons. This is a good way to get to know them better. You think you know them but... My mom told me she played checkers at the barbershop as a teenager. Very interesting and not what I would have imagined. Enjoy your parents while you have them with you .

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I want to gather information for my parents' obituaries while they are still with me. Has anyone else done this?

49 Answers

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