I'm 17 and expected to take care of my dying grandmother. Am I being selfish if I feel like I shouldn't care for her alone?

Seems to me that your mother and older sister should be part of a team caring for her rather than pushing it off onto you.

Caring for an older person is challenging enough for a young person, but more so when that older person is dying.

If your GM can't walk, not only should you not have sole responsibility or even joint responsibility for her care, but she should have professional support as well.

Yes and no. If we are talking about just a few hours, so your mom can get some respite, you are old enough to handle that, and should out of respect for your mom and your grandmother. However, if we're talking day care or long stretches at night, you are not old enough to be a primary caregiver long term, especially when she can't walk. If this continues, and you can't get help, I would suggest waiting it out until you can declare yourself an adult - and leave. I'm sorry, sweet one. Be strong. Be smart.  Hugs.

Are you saying that you are the only caretaker or that you are being asked to assist in caring for your GM ?
And what is it you are being asked to do? Sit with her and read, feed her, give her medication?
Is your GM on hospice? At home ? In a facility? It's difficult to know what's appropriate without knowing more about the situation.

I personally feel I was abused by the amount of responsibility I was forced into to care for my dying grandmother. Over one winter, I was locked into an apt with nailed closed windows for the weekend with a minimal amount of groceries and told to feed her and change her diapers. There were no fire extinguishers, no way out, no phones, no tv. If all you are being asked to do is to be uncomfortable sitting with demented grandma for a few hours, then yes, you need to do this just because. Read her the Bible if you can't think of anything else to do with her. See the last season of Inspector Lewis TV show for how that works.

If you are given 12 hour stretches where you are the sole caregiver and must make sure she eats or she will die, then yes, you should not be doing that much, & she needs hospice care. Which?

By the way, you have had deaths in your family, you were just kept from their knowledge. Isn't that unfair, that you are almost an adult yet you have not learned how to deal with life's unpleasant truth? Studies show life has a 100% fatality rate. 

Depending on level of care you are being forced to provide you may consider calling Child Protective Services. You are still considered a child until you turn 18. If you choose this routers prepared to move out on your own, get a job and provide for yourself once you turn 18.

When you say caring for your grandmother alone, do you mean you're the only one doing the caring or do you mean you are anxious about being left alone with your grandmother from time to time while your mother and sister are, say, out at work or running errands?

The former would be such a bad idea that I can't imagine it's the case. So assuming that what you're afraid of is being left in charge for relatively short periods, I have a couple of ideas that I hope might reassure you.

You're only 17, and I can imagine that the idea of your grandmother needing help and not recognising you as someone she knows is pretty panic-inducing. But have more faith in yourself. Courage isn't about not being afraid of things. Courage is about "feel the fear and do it anyway." Looking back, doing this could be something to learn from and be proud of having faced.

On the practical side, what might you have to do for her? Break it down into individual tasks. You can make a phone call if she needs urgent medical or hospice help - or if you need urgent advice, come to that. You can fetch her a drink. You can hold a bowl if she needs to puke. You can wash her face, brush her hair, plump her pillows. You can read your text books sitting quietly in your grandmother's bedroom just as well as you can in your own. Above all, you can hold her hand.

Talk to your mother about what exactly is expected of you. Make sure you understand clearly what you should do, step by step, if something seems to be happening that you don't know how to handle. If you feel that you're being asked to spend too much time caregiving and it's affecting your school work or activities or friendships (although, by the way, good friends will be supporting you, not whining about your not being able to go out the whole time), then negotiate - offer to do what you think is fair, rather than getting into a fight about the whole situation.

Death is frightening. It isn't right to tell you that you're weak or selfish to want to get away from it. But you will grow as a person if you can face it squarely and know that you've done all you can to make this sad time easier on your whole family. Good luck, look after yourself, and come back to let us know how you're doing.

You definitely should NOT be the one caring for her. Has your mother looked into hospice care for her? Or a nursing home? I think they are selfish for expecting YOU to be the caregiver....stand firm...tell your mother to get pro-active about this situation...shes the adult. Tell her to contact your grandmother's primary care doctor for guidance.

No, this should not fall on your young shoulders, and your not being selfish. Sorry for your grandmother's condition. It should be a family task with the main responsibilities lying within the adult. I hope your family can find resources, like hospice for example. Who will come to the home and offer many vital services. Grandma could even go to a hospice center. Your a teenager, but you can still helping and it won't be forever. Speak to school counselor about how this is affecting you and try your best.She loves you even if she can't remember. and I'm so sorry that so much is being p!Aced upon your shoulders. Please speak to mother about hospice. They will help provide care and resources.

No this is not your responsibility. Call your county protective services, make a list of questions. If you feel you mom is going to throw you out, disown you because you have refused, then ask the state if they can find you housing. There are group homes, and also HUD apartments provided for people at the poverty level and who are displaced. It is not an easy route, but the stress of caring for an elderly person can truly damage your own health. Remember you once had a grandfather, he must have passed away, and possibly great aunts and uncles. You are 17, and should be allowed to be in school and get a decent education for your future. You need to find out from the state all that is available to you, before you make any quick decisions.  You need to have a contact person that can help you plan everything out so things go smoothly.  Try to stay strong and prepare for what you may need to do. Wishing you my best.

NOT your responsibility. Your mother and sister should feel ashamed of themselves.
If you volunteer to stay with GM for an hour or two (at most) it would be kind and
help you with maturity. However, at your age, it is not a requirement by anyone!

What about the hours you are in school? No you should NOT be doing this!

Although you are nearly a young adult, you are still in my opinion not yet an adult, but a child, legally speaking, and see this as child abuse..as others have said, you should contact any one (or several) of various agencies, and I suggest Social Services be one of them if not the first...

The accusations that you are not fulfilling your "duties" are beyond ridiculous...

Please reach out to authorities and get yourself out of the outrageous situation..

Grace + Peace,

Bob

If you are pushed into doing this or you decide to do it, or some of it, do not be upset if she dies in your care. Everybody dies. It's a natural part of life. Just make sure she's not in pain. Make sure that her doctors give her enough pain medicine!
I too feel that you are probably too young to do this. My husband took care of his dying mother and father at the age of 17 but he really had no choice. You have some choice and what is your mother doing anyway! It seems to me that she has done a lot of nothing all your life.
If you are being asked to do it all, I agree call child protective services. If you are being asked to just do a little, like hold her hand or get her some water or whatever that's understandable I think. But you sound as if you are really overburdened and maybe it is just too much for you particularly.

No, you should NOT be caring for your grandmother alone. Caring for a dying elder is hard work--and very emotionally draining. I'd bet you are placing care for your grandmother above doing your own school work--because I know that I would have done that. I'd bet you don't have much in the way of a social life, either, because of caregiving. The problem is this: how well you do in school right now really does affect what opportunities you'll have later on. So, doing well in school really should be your #1 priority. (When applying to colleges, when you write your college admissions essay, make sure you talk about being the sole caregiver for your dying grandmother. Remember that college admissions officers are adults and have been through a similar situation.)

If I was in your situation, the first thing I would do is talk to ALL my teachers, especially the older ones. They need to know what's going on. It's entirely possible that one or more of them has been a caregiver for a dying relative and is willing to be there for you. Should you have a teacher that is being less than understanding, having a teacher on your side who buttonhole the less than understanding teacher and possibly talk sense into that person is *very* useful. Also, having someone outside the family who has been through this, whom you can talk to is enormously helpful. I know.

Make an appointment to see your guidance counsellor. That person should know what's going on as well. If the guidance counsellor is a social worker, that person MIGHT have training or some experience dealing with this sort of situation. Remember that guidance counsellors rarely interact with the Council for the Aging or Adult Protective Services people, so it might be limited as to how helpful the guidance counselor might be. The guidance counsellor MIGHT (depending on how busy he or she is) be willing to do research and set-up meetings with people who are much more knowledgable and would be able to help. It is in your best interest for your school to formally know what's going on--that's why you want to talk to your guidance counsellor.

If your town / city has either a Counsel for the Aging or a Senior Center, I would call that. In my state, Councils for the Aging and Senior Centers have staff social workers. This social worker will have experience (and interest) in working with seniors and their families. If you have problems finding which Council for the Aging or Senior Center serves your area, contact your state's Office for Elder Affairs (or similar organization) or your state level elected representative (state representative or state senator). Many have a constituent services representative and that person will put you in touch with the right people. I would make an ASAP appointment with a Council for the Aging social worker, and if I had to cut classes or ditch school for a day, I would do so. It's that important.

Perhaps the most important thing the Council for the Aging social worker can do is to moderate a family meeting. The social worker will back you up and tell your mother that you shouldn't be the primary caregiver for your dying grandmother. The social worker can talk to your mother and grandmother about hospice--and perhaps convince them that hospice care is in everyone's best interest. The social worker can talk to your mother, in private, about what happens if she (the social worker) files a report with Adult Protective Services. This is a carrot and stick approach, with the carrot being Hospice and the stick being Adult Protective Services. This usually works.

When approaching your grandmother about getting hospice care, tell her that you (and the rest of the family) will be able to spend more time with your her and this time is *really* precious. It's the simple things that matter. Because of hospice, I was able to spend time with my father binge watching our favorite TV show together--How It's Made. My mother and I didn't have to worry about cooking and cleaning, because volunteers took care of that. I live out-of-town. The help the volunteers gave my parents made it possible for me to prepare my house for my father's death--that I would be spending a lot of time at my mother's farmhouse preparing it for sale.

When my dad was terminally ill, hospice was there. His hospice care coordinator started helping us several months before my father formally entered hospice. She discussed care options with him--that included home care, nursing home or the hospital hospice. My father knew when it was time for hospice and had my mother call the doctor to make it happen, and me, so that I would come. The hospice was there for us, after he passed. They helped us grieve my father's passing--they will care for the family up to a year after the loved one's death. For example, one of the hospice chaplains made sure I went to church when I wanted to go but my mother didn't.

I hope this helps. My heart goes out to you.

DoN

I'm sorry for your situation and your grandmother. It sounds to me like you need some help. Maybe you could ask your family to pay for home care. If she gets worse she way have to go into a home. Good luck.

I don't believe you should be forced, at 17, to provide hands-on care if you are not comfortable doing so. Think of other ways you can contribute to the household. Can you cook or clean or run errands? Also, identify an adult -- a teacher, your minister, the parent of a friend -- who can offer support and counsel so you don't feel alone.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Establishing healthy boundaries is a coping skill that will serve you well throughout life.

If MD says she is truly dying, then you need to call in hospice care, they are wonderful! If you are concerned about what to do if your grandmother dies on your watch, don't be. Call your mom, call 911. I have been present at two deaths, my mother and my husband. Both were in comas, on morphine, and passed easily. I did not find it as frightening as I thought I would and as a result can face my own death with equanimity. In the past young family members were often present at the deaths of their elders, but modern living has changed that. As a result, we fear it more than we need to.

I read your question twice - I don't see if you are taking care of Grandma alone or if all 3 of you are contributing.

I wouldn't use the term selfish. Unnerving and uncomfortable come to mind. My BIL was an only child and his mother worked, he had to come home from school and take care of his grandmother - sometimes we just have to do. I only learned of his situation last year but this happened about 55 years ago. Sadly, when it is a single parent and no one else to help - we do what we must.

But your sister should be helping and your mother if she isn't working.

Surprise, really? The only person I lost by the age 17 was a grandfather I wasn't that close to. All my Aunts and Uncles died from the ages 67 to 89 and I was in my 60s then. Her Mom is probably 40 and GM 60s? Not that old.

I agree, if ur asked to stay with her for a short period of time, I see no problem with this. But, ur young to be to be doingcsome of the physical stuff that is needed. School is important. If GM is 65 then she is getting Medicare and Medicare will pay for Hospice care. They will provide an aide to help for an hour or two so family can get out. Not sure how it works without Medicare.

Have you spoken with your school counselor about this? You have a chance to get something done since you're still a minor in school. They can not only call the CPS on your behalf, but they can call the APS on her behalf. There are child labor laws to protect you, and elder laws to protect her

Do
Not
Do
This.
You have had NO training, not even as CNA, or you would have mrntioned it.
You are
a
child.
CONCENTRATE
on your school work, get good grades, and go to college even if you have to pay for it yourself. Take the initiative and apply for scholarships. Your school counselor can guide you.
Personally I do NOT want ANY of my grandchildren caring for me, not even my granddaughter who is a Registered Nurse.
Do NOT let ANYONE
BULLY YOU
into doing a job for which you have absolutely no qualifications.

WOAH! I haven't even read any answers here and I am saying right here, right not, DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO THIS~! RUN, MOVE, LIVE ELSEWHERE! A 17 year old has a right to a life. This is a hideous, horrible, soul sucking existence for anyone, a 17 year old is not equipped mentally or physically to take care of a sick person. It's over to the adults to handle it. Call social services at a hospital, call the adult protective at social services, call the police. Do not, do not, do not sign up for anything to do with this.  ....  To sit and 'watch her' (whatever that means - NOT changing diapers/feeding/giving meds/)  - f0r a few hours while whoever is in charge gets out of there for a few hours - that's ok.  That would be a blessing for you and all concerned.  But you should not be responsible for the care of a dying patient, at age 17.  That is child abuse.  Horrible!

i do not know what your family is like but no they should help to that is not fair they will not be in with you on it your mom should be in a bigger part than you anyway is the grandmother her or in law either way they should be in charge not you ..you are still growing up that is not good for you !!!!!!!!

The grandmother in question, who was closely involved in the OP's upbringing, is now actively dying of cancer and has chosen to do so at home. The caregiving is unlikely to go on for very long. The OP is understandably freaked out by what is happening and deserves our sympathy and reassurance; but this is not a situation where a child who should be concentrating on her schoolwork is being thrown under a bus for the sake of selfish elders.

Unfortunately, the OP also hasn't been back to comment so we don't know what her reflections are. I hope she and her family are doing as well as can be expected.

I dropped in on this thread because it has been so active, but after scanning through
I didn't bother to read the new comments because Mbreuri has never returned to answer questions or clarify her situation after 6 days.
The thread has obviously taken on a life of it's own.

Sometimes I wonder about posts where people just arbitrarily throw out questions to watch the responses. Some questions being asked just don't seem realistic enough tp bother with.

Labs, another clue to this kind of baiting is when the original poster doesn't return to interact and respond to suggestions. And note that the questions are usually toward the inflammatory side of inquiry, something to get other people's attention and worked up enough to respond with passion.

One of the clues I missed is that the OP's profile states that GM is in independent living, her post states that GM is dying of cancer and "she can't even walk.
Can't walk, but she's still in IL? Hmmmmm...

I missed this when I first posted; otherwise I wouldn't have.

I feel like I have read this post/question before

You are 17 and shouldn't be doing any hands on care giving, period. If all you can do is sit with her for an hour or two a day, do it but refuse to do hands on care giving. You are not selfish to want to have a life and it's okay to feel freaked out about your grandma dying and you've never experienced death close up and personal. What exactly are your mother and your sister doing to help out? How old is your sister? I would talk to your guidence consller and see what they can do. If they are no help, talk to social services and make them get involved. Since you are not a legal adult in the eyes of the law, you can't exactly tell your mother to pound sand and leave without reprocussions.