Grandma-in-law is who I care for. Her kids (only 1 of them honestly) help very little I got really frustrated 1 day and basically said it's her or me. Sadly he said he will not choose. We have been together almost 13 years I'm almost 2yrs into caring for her and take good enough care of her I think I'm actually gonna make her live longer😧 I believe he really thinks this is something I'm gonna do till the day she dies which will include NEVER going anywhere when she eventually becomes bedridden(yrs away yet) I have a 12 yr old and a 6 yr old. I feel depressed almost half the days of a month having to drag her EVERYWHERE. I can't take it. I love him but I don't have it in me to do 10 more yrs I wish my own health would fail for the sweet release of death(I'm only 37 smh) but I know it won't any time soon and by the time she goes and I CAN enjoy life I think it will have all been sucked out. She's needy demanding and worries more about her dog than her self on top of the fact he tells me to just let her do whatever she wants. I told him today he cares more about her than anyone else I get well if THATS how u feel maybe we shouldn't be together feels like a guilt trip honestly and I don't want to tear apart my family plus the fact I have nowhere to go (dad's past 10 yrs ago don't talk to mom and I don't have a car of my own to live with sis). I feel so s*** right now I feel trapped and I don't think he would want to separate just for the simple fact there is nobody he can depend on to care for her. Insurance won't cover in home care (even for a few hrs) I had her Dr check on it. I am filled with self pity and that makes it worse. What should I do?? Fyi she has brain damage, dementia (from tbi,and being a drunk for 40 yrs) low bp,anxiety, depression.
Thanks CM sorry Gma!
What is your level of education? Would you like to improve it or learn a trade like cosmetology so you could be more independent.
Getting relief from Gma seems to be the main issue. She is only 75 and sounds fairly healthy at present. As she is an alcoholic the dementia likely stems from that and her liver is probably in poor shape which may take her sooner rather than latter.
Splitting up the family will probably create more problems than it will solve so at least for now try and hang in there. Is there any possibility of the two of you getting away for a night or two occasionally to rekindle your love life. I am sure hubby feels very neglected and unappreciated at present. if he had some rewards to look forward to he might just might be more considerate at home. keep comming back here many people face your same problems and are very happy to share. You can send a private message to anyone you feel may be especially helpful to you.
Next. Write down on a big piece of paper:
Grandma's income;
Your and your husband's income;
The value of grandma's house and any other assets.
That is how much money there is for the family, as a unit, to play with. There may be better ways to use the resources you have, such as hiring in help. Have a good look at the family budget.
Do you work outside the home? Did you before? Would you like to?
That might increase both the family's total income and your weight in discussions.
Next topic: grandma's needs. NOBODY is proposing that she should be abandoned by her family. It sounds as if one difficulty you might be having when you try to get your husband to talk about all this is that he instantly gets the horrors over the idea of chucking this lovely lady under a bus and stops thinking. But if you put Grandma's care as #1 priority, just maybe he'll engage his brain for a bit longer. Maybe for long enough to see that there is a whole range of possibilities to think about. It's not a stark choice between you care for grandma until either she dies or you break down on the one hand, or walking out on grandma and leaving her to her fate on the other.
There are all kinds of issues he's just not seeing. And for me, the most serious is the question of what happens to grandma and to the children if you fall apart? Two years of this without respite - too right you're near breaking point, too right it can't go on.
I hope sharing has already made you breathe a little easier? Now to get your husband to do some more serious talking and thinking. There will be a way forward, have faith! Hugs.
If I were you, I would I unvolunteer from this responsibility. You have a husband and young children and they need you. Does she live with you? If not then stop going to her house. Tell your husband it’s up to him to figure something out.